*We fade out of a commercial break.*
Comedian: Hi, I’m “The Comedian” Bobby Riggs. I’m a wrestler in EWT. I like long walks on the beach, romantic candle-lit dinners, and black women. I just recently came to EWT, but I haven’t had a lot of success. So, to turn that around, I have decided to get a manager. But, now I gotta one. So, the question is WHO’S GONNA MANAGE ME!!!!?
*A short montage of the Comedian training and wrestling is shown while cheesy rock music is playing, ending with the Comedian pouring water over his head.*
Comedian: WHO’S GONNA MANAGE ME!!!!?
Announcer: Presented by Dr. Pepper.
*We cut to a room with some tables and chairs. There are eight people sitting at the tables. Three are managers currently in EWT: Terina, Coach O’Hare of Team Ireland, and Principal Pain. Five are new to EWT. There is an elderly man who bares a resemblance to Cubs announcer Harry Caray. One is a woman with black hair in a bun, blue eyes, tan complexion, and is dressed like a business woman. She also has a briefcase. Another guy has a bag over his head with a black '?' on it and is wearing a green trench coat. There is another woman who looks shy. She looks African American but has a light complexion and has dark blonde hair and blue eyes, possibly of mixed heritage. She’s dressed in a pink shirt and blue jeans. And, finally, there is another man; he’s African American and is wearing a Pink Floyd shirt and blue jeans. Suddenly, the Comedian comes in, wearing glasses and holding a clip board and a cup of soda. He walks to the table and chair facing the other tables and chair and sits on the table. He takes a sip of the soda and sets the cup on the table.*
Comedian: Okay, welcome to my manager’s contest that I have named “WHO’S GONNA MANAGE ME!!!!?—Presented by Dr. Pepper.” Okay, any questions?
Black Guy: Yeah, why is it presented by Dr. Pepper?
Comedian: Because Toomi said that he wouldn’t waste any of his precious air time on some stupid contest if it didn’t have a sponsor and had some chance of bringing in some money. Any more questions?
*Nobody says anything.*
Comedian: Alright, let’s begin! First, I want to get to know you people, and why you want to manage me. I see we have some people currently in EWT and some new people. Well, this should be exciting. So, we’ll start with the business lady. What’s your name, and why do you want to manage me?
*The business woman stands up and walks over to Riggs. She puts her briefcase next to Riggs on the table, opens it, pulls out a portfolio, and hands it to Riggs.*
Business Woman: Hi, my name is Sandra Worthington. I’m a graduate from Harvard Business School, and I was working for Proctor and Gamble until I saw your ad for this manager’s contest. Now, wrestling is my passion, and I have wanted to get into for years. But, I could never find an in into it. Then, I saw your ad. So, I decided to quit my job and come here to be your manager.
Comedian, apathetic: That’s great. *throws the portfolio down* But, what are you going to do if you lose?
Sandra Worthington: I’m not going to lose.
Comedian: Are you sure about that?
Sandra: Yes, I am, because, I am going show you why I would make the best manager in the world.
Comedian: Really!? *looks down at Sandra’s big breasts* Well, I don’t if you’re the best manager in the world, but I definitely see that you’re qualified to be my manager.
Sandra, unaware Riggs is looking her chest: Really!!!!?
Comedian: Yes.
Sandra: I’m so happy! *jumps up and down from excitement*
Comedian: Me too! *moves his head in rhythm with her jumps* Okay, go sit down now; my neck’s starting to hurt.
*Sandra stops jumping, walks back to her seat, and sits down.*
Comedian: Okay, let’s move on to some already in EWT. Coach O’Hare, why don’t you come up here and tell me why you want to manage me?
*Coach O’Hare gets up, walks over to the Comedian, and stands beside him.*
O'Hare: Well, Tony, when I look at you... I can call you Tony, can't I?
Comedian: No, mainly because my name's not Tony...
O'Hare: That's great. Y'see, Jerry, I look at you & I see great potential, great untapped potential. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were Irish. You have the right stuff, that intangible "IT" factor that all the greats have. You just haven't fully exploited "IT".
Comedian: What the f***? Are you talking about Stephen King or something? Cut the crap & get to the f***ing point you blowhard!
O'Hare: Look here, son! I am a manager of champions! Who else have we got here? A few no names, a former school teacher, & a rich b****? These people have no proven track record! Not like me!
*O'Hare throws a couple of photos on the table. He points to one of them.*
O'Hare: There, Aidan Donnelly & Sean McCann. EWT Tag-Team Champions! They held those belts for 140 days! The longest reign in EWT!
*He points to another.*
O'Hare: "The Celtic Giant" Shane Malone. Aside from a handful of losses (that nobody can remember), Shane has plowed through the competition like nobody else in this company & it was I who led him all the way! Look at these lads, look at the success I have brought to them. You just know that if you have me by your side as a manager then there'll certainly be gold in your future, mate.
*O'Hare moves as if to return to his seat.*
Comedian: What about the other guy?
O'Hare: Huh?
Comedian: The other guy in Team Ireland... what's his name? Long red hair... little guy... you all know him...
*The Comedian clicks his fingers, trying to remember.*
Terina: That'd be Liam.
Comedian: THAT'S the one. Thank you! What about that guy? Aren't you gonna tell me how much success you've brought him too?
O'Hare: Well, Liam's a bit of an exception...
Comedian: How can I know that you're going to bring me to new levels of success if there's one guy in your charge that you've screwed up with?
O'Hare: Ah, but see, Liam's the exception that proves the rule...
Comedian: Think I've heard enough from you, pal. You can sit down now.
O'Hare: But... but...
Comedian: I said SIT DOWN, chuckles! Now, who's next? Um, you, black guy in the Pink Floyd shirt. What’s your name, and why do you want to manage me?
*The black guy gets up, walks over to the Comedian, and stands beside him.*
Black guy, in a low, dull tone: John Cena.
Comedian: I’m sorry, what was that?
John Cena, in the same tone: John Cena.
Comedian: I didn’t hear you. Say again.
Cena, in a little louder tone: John Cena.
Comedian: What!?
Cena, in a loud, annoyed tone: John Cena!
Comedian: John Cena!?
Cena: Yes.
Comedian: Your name is John Cena.
Cena: Yes.
Comedian: JOHN CENA!!!!?
Cena: Yes! My name is John Cena!
Comedian: OH MY GOD!!!! Your *chuckles* name is *chuckles* John Cena! HAHAHAHA!
*Everyone else laughs*
Cena: It’s not funny!!!!
*Everyone stops laughing*
Comedian: So, um, are you a doctor, with a Ph.D. in Thuganomics!?
*Everyone starts laughing.*
Cena: Dammit!!!! This is why I didn’t want to say my name. I mean, at first, having the same name as Cena was cool. He was that awesome white rapper heel, and when he first turned face he was still pretty cool. Then, he became WWE Champion, and WWE gave him that stupid Superman push. Now, everyone’s been making fun of me. I hate it!
Comedian: Then, why don’t you change your name?
Cena: Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks!
Comedian: You stole that from Office Space!
Cena: I don’t give a crap!
Comedian: Okay. So, why do you want to manage me?
Cena: I want people to know me for something other than having the same name as that stupid wrestler.
Comedian: Okay.
Cena: Can I sit down now?
Comedian: Sure.
*Cena walks back to his seat and sits down.*
Comedian: Alright, our next participant is Terina of TJT. Come here girl and tell me why you want to be my manager.
*Terina gets up, walks over to the Comedian, and stands beside him.*
Terina: Well...Mister Riggs...I think the evidence speaks for itself. Under my management, my partners in crime, Jimmy Thunder and Jason Jupiter, have rapidly risen through the tag division, asserting their dominance over each and every tag team they face. Not to mention the obvious--they remain unpinned in EWT. NOBODY in this company can keep them down, and, well, we're all affiliated. We specifically chose you as our partner for the Barclays Unofficial Trios Tournament, and things are looking up. I mean...I managed you in the opening round, and I'm not hearing any talk of you losing that one. I'm the obvious choice here. You're more than capable of defending yourself, but with one of the biggest, wealthiest names with some of the most powerful affiliates in all of EWT, you know there's absolutely NO way you can lose. *smiles*
Comedian: Well, you present a great argument, and to be honest with you, I enjoyed it when you managed me.
Terina: Glad you see it in a positive light. If you choose me, you don't have to join Minipax--though you're more than welcome if you do—but you'll still have them as unofficial allies. And, well, Jim and Jason already have decided that they're going to help you in any predicament you need help with if you contract me as your manager.
Comedian: Well, you just keep making it more and more tempting to call this whole thing off and take you as my manager. *laughs* But, I’m a fair man who believes in giving everyone a fair shot.
Terina: *expression of shock, but quickly into a sheepish grin* Of course....I'll just wait here *walks to sit down, but turns back* while you burn the next several minutes...only to pick ME in an instant! *giggles, and turns around only to sit back down*
Comedian: Okay, that was fun. Next will be *looks around* the old guy. Come here and tell me who you are and why you want to manage me?
*The old guy gets up, walks over to the table, and stands by the Comedian.*
Old Guy: My name is Harry Caray.
Comedian: Like the Cubs announcer.
Harry Caray: Hey! How did you know what I do for a living?
Comedian, confused: Huh!? Wait—do think you’re the Cubs announcer Harry Caray?
Caray: I am Harry Caray.
Comedian: You are Harry Caray!?
Caray: Yes, I am.
Comedian: Aren’t you dead!?
Caray: Really, I haven’t noticed.
Comedian: Okay. Why do you want to manage me?
Caray: Well, they won’t let me announce for the Cubs anymore. So, I decided to come here.
Comedian: Okay. *silent for a moment* Are you sure you’re Harry Caray!?
Caray: Hey, if you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?
Comedian: What?
Caray: Come on. It’s a simple question—if you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself?
Comedian: No.
Caray: Really!? I would. I would take a bite and wouldn’t think twice about it.
Comedian: Okay, you can sit down.
*Caray walks back to his seat and sits down. Riggs mouths “WOW” as he’s walking back.*
Comedian: Alright, let’s continue with Principal Pain. Come over here and tell me why you want to manage me.
*Principal Pain gets up, walks over to the Comedian, and stands beside him.*
Pain: Well... honestly, as much as I hate to admit it... with your idiotic humor, I see some amount of potential in you. Potential that I have seen in so many others, every person I have ever gotten behind has made it high up in the EWT... whether it was Chance Confidence, Eddie Omega, Virus, even The Canceler benefited from my work. I even introduced to the world... that hussy, Tanya Flaire. Each one of these names went on to great things, despite each one of them letting me down... and betraying me so often. THOSE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS... but you Riggs seem different. You seem much more trustworthy, somehow. I don't see you stabbing me in the back, nor kicking me in the face, throwing me off a rampway, CRUSHING ME BENEATH A STACK OF TABLES...
Comedian: Ummm... that'll do.
*Principal Pain walks back to his seat and sits down.*
Comedian: Okay, next is *looks around* you with the bag over his head. Come over here and tell me—who are you and why do you want to manage me?
*The guy with the bag over his head gets up, walks over to the Comedian, and stands beside him.*
Guy With A Bag Over His Head: Hello, my name is...uh...Anonymous. I like.....things....and I enjoy certain illegal material when I'm alone. Uh.......it's legal in Russia, I believe. No further questions!
Comedian: Wait! I want to get to know you! Who you are, what you like, stuff like that.
Anonymous: Uh.....um.....well, I live in....uh....Tokyo, I guess....that's got a lot of people in it....um....I've been arrested three times, but....uh.....I'm good.
Comedian: Okay. Um, I hope this question isn’t too intrusive, but what’s up with the bag on your head!?
Anonymous: If I take the bag off my head....I won't be anonymous anymore. Plus, I'm pretty sure the FBI wants my head for....things.
Comedian: FBI!?
Anonymous: Yeah, it seems that they don't like delicious flat chest.
Comedian: What!?
Anonymous: Uh.....I might have said too much. *long pause* Say, do you have Flora's number?
Comedian: No. Wait, isn’t she 15?
Anonymous: Um......no further questions!
Comedian: Okay! You can go sit down now.
*Anonymous walks back to his seat and sits down.*
Comedian: Alright, finally, let’s talk with our final contestant. Come up here lady and tell me who you are and why you want to manage me.
*The other lady walks up to Riggs and stands beside him.*
Woman: My name is Michelle McCarthy. And, I want to get into EWT, and I figured this was a better and more dignified contest to enter than that other one Joe Ragnal was hosting.
Comedian: Okay. That was concise and informative.
Michelle: Thanks.
Comedian: Are you of mixed heritage?
Michelle: Yes. Can I sit down now?
Comedian: Wait a minute, now. What’s the rush? I’m just trying to get to know you. Now, you’re mixed—you’re a mulatto. Do you like that term “mulatto”?
Michelle: I’m cool with it.
Comedian: Great! So, you’re a mulatto. I’m guessing your mom was white, and your dad was black.
Michelle: Yes. How did you know?
Comedian: Lucky guess. So, you’re like the Who song.
Michelle: What?
Comedian: You know, the Who song—Substitute.
*Michelle stands there looking at the Comedian, with a confused look on her face.*
Comedian: You know, Substitute. ‘I look all white, but my dad was black.’ Do you like the Who?
Cena: I love the Who.
Comedian: *turns to Cena* Good for you. *turns back to Michelle* Now, what about you?
Michelle: They’re okay, I guess?
Comedian: You’re not very talkative. You’re a little shy.
Michelle: I suppose.
Comedian: Well, we’re going to fix that. A manager has to be open—he or she has to talk and be comfortable and confident on camera. And, that’s what I’m going to do to you. By the time this contest is over, I’m gonna get you to open up for me.
*Everyone looks at the Comedian in a funny way.*
Comedian: In a professional/managerial way, not a sexual way.
*Everyone still stares at the Comedian in a funny way.*
Comedian: Unless, you want to have sex with me, because if you did we would to go out first because I’m not an easy man.
*Everyone still stares at the Comedian in a funny way.*
Comedian: Why don’t you go sit down, now, Michelle?
*Michelle walks away and sits down.*
Comedian: Okay, well, now that we’ve gotten to know each other, we will move. Before we start the contest, I’m going to have to give you people a psychological test—and I have a doctor who will give you all a physical. Then, the contest will begin!!!!
*Everyone just sits there and stares at the Comedian.*
Comedian: So, um, get out of here!
*Everyone remains sitting and staring at the Comedian.*
Comedian: I said, GET OUT OF HERE!!!!
*Everyone gets up and walks out of the room.*
Comedian: GO ON, LEAVE!!!!
*The camera fades out.*