Rules of life in fiction

[The Tank]

I figure this could be a pretty interesting idea for a thread. Make a set of rules which you should follow should you somehow find yourself in a fictional environment through some sort of mystical chicanery or technological accident or whatever.

To set the basic idea down...

1. Don't ever say any variation of "What could possibly go wrong?", or else something horrible WILL happen eventually.

Now list any other good ones you can think of.

[darthalexander]

2. Immediately ask what the heck is going on. None of this half-answer BS you get in stories (like Lost, where no one can answer a simple damn question without it being a big issue).

3. If I time-travel, I will keep my mouth shut and look around before I do anything involving technology or using/buying sport almanacs.

4. If I'm near retirement, I will stay at my desk until my time is up.

[Alex Shelley]

5. Never agree to pet-sit for your friend's hamster/fish/rat/etc. There is a 100% chance that it will die, forcing you to buy an identical one at the pet store because you can't own up to your mistake.

[DSR]

If you're going to a place where a horrible murder was committed or the place is haunted in some other way, don't sneak off somewhere to have sex. Don't even go to that place, if you can help it.

If you happen to kill someone's family members/lover, you probably should kill that person, too. Otherwise, they will come for revenge, and usually succeed.

If you're a decent person and anything radioactive/experimental is nearby, eat it, rub it on yourself, or just touch it in some way. Next stop, superpowers! If you're not a very nice/good person, you'll probably get powers too, but you're also more likely to be horribly disfigured.

[aka Cthulhu]

Here's the Discworld guide regarding places with vampires:

1. Don't go near a vampire's castle, no matter how bad the weather
2. Having gone near the castle, don't knock at the huge forbidding door.
3. Having knocked at the huge forbidding door, don't accept the invitation from the strange man in black clothes to go inside
4. Having gone inside, don't go into the guest bedroom
5. Having gone into the guest bedroom, don't—whatever you do—sleep with the window open.
6. Having slept with the window open, don't come runnin' to me to complain.

[Pervy Stone Cold]

Don't be too afraid of a guy that seems like a tough guy badass, often he turns out to be scared of his own mother.