Post by angryfan on Jun 10, 2006 0:02:12 GMT -5
(scene opens in Stehps’ office, with the gang sitting at a long table, much like the judges from American Idol. In the background Dusty Rhodes and Super Porky are sharing several whole Turkeys)
HHH: Can we just get this over with?
Steph: Hunter, this is important, we need to make sure we make the right choice to help elevate the Smackdown brand. A good color commentator can go a long way in doing that, right Dream?
Dusty (playing the wishbone game with Porky) It can make it or break it, baby, can go from somethin’ to nothing, in the blink of an eye, if you weeeeeeeeeeeeeel. (the wishbone snaps, leaving Dusty the bigger half) Yes, now gimme that turkey leg, shorty, the son of a plumber needs to eat!
Flair: Wooooooooo!
Dusty: Quiet, you’re still upset about Wichita in ’83, when I took ya to da pay windah!
Flair: Wooooooo!
HHH: Can we please just hurry up? I’m missing Days, and if the Game misses days, then the Game is not a happy man.
Steph: Alright, everyone ready? (she pushes a button on the intercom) Please send in the first applicant.
Holly: (speaking through the intercom) Give me one second.
Steph: (hearing the sounds of a scuffle over the speaker) Is there a problem, Bob?
Holly: Not at all, I’m multitasking I’ve got a half dozen OVW kids out here, so I’m doing an, uh, orientation class.
Steph: Well, thank you for being such a team player, Bob. Send in the applicant when you get a moment.
Bob: No problem, Steph: (then away from the intercom) Where do you think you’re going, punk? Get back here!
Josh: Running from Hardcore is never wise.
(the door opens and Kahli walks in trailed by Gerwitz)
Steph: (to Flair) Please turn on the Micheal Cole simulator.
Flair: Woooooooo!
Steph: Yes, Naitch, it’s very life-like, that’s why we spent one million dollars having it made.
HHH: Hang on, a million bucks?
Steph: Not to worry, we saved money in other areas.
(scene changes to Tysom Tomko and John Heidenreich, sitting in a park)
John: So what do we do now?
Tomko: I’m thinking I’ll use this. (he holds up a sign that says “will botch boot for food”)
John: That’s nice and all, but what do I do?
Tomko: Uh…poetry?
(scene changes back to the conference room)
HHH: Well, hopefully it helps.
Coleomatic-2000: OH MY! What a vicious move by Mark Henry!
Kahli: Yes, notice how he utilizes his weight and leverage to –
Gerwitz: (cutting him off) Ahem, caramels?
Kahli: You can’t be serious.
Gerwitz: We had it written into your contract.
Kahli: Fine. (takes a handful of the candies and pops them in his mouth and chews)
Gerwitz: Please, continue.
Coleomatic-2000: No! Not this way! Not this way!
Kahli: Blaaaaaaaargraaaaawfaaaaaaawwwaaaaaaaaaa!
Gerwitz: Much better. Steph? What did you think?
Steph: (looking to the group) Guys?
Matthews: Usually, caramels are always wise, but in this case…I should go get help.
Steph: Naitch?
Flair: Woooooo!
Steph: Hunter? What did you think?
HHH: (standing) Well, I have to say…(he walks across the room to Kahli, kicks him low and Pedigrees him, then returns to his seat)
Steph: I see. Thank you Kahli, we’ll be in touch.
(Kahli is dragged out of the room by Gerwitz)
Steph: (on the intercom) Next please.
(Hacksaw Jim Duggan walks in, in his wrestling gear, carrying a 2X4)
Steph: Hacksaw, why are you wearing your ring gear?
Hacksaw: Because I’m Hacksaw Jim Duggan, tough, uh, lady, and I’m going to show you how to get beat up!
HHH: That’s a fantastic idea. (he ges up from the table again, walks over and Pedigrees Duggan) Care to comment on that, Hacksaw?
Hacksaw: (cough) Hooooooo!
(HHH returns to his seat)
Steph: Hunter, if you keep Pedigreeing the applicants, we’ll never get this done.
HHH: Ok, I promise, I won’t pedigree any more applicants.
Steph: Good. (hitting the intercom again) Send in the next applicant, Bob.
Holly: (over the sound of punches landing) Sure thing, Steph.
(Tony Schiavone enters)
HHH: Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Flair: Woooooooooooooo!
HHH: Oh, oh, right, right, WCW. Sorry, forgot about them.
Tony: So where should I stand?
Steph: You’re fine right there.
Tony: Are you sure? I could move a bit to the left, so the camera can get my good side.
HHH: What camera?
Tony: I was told to expect cameras.
(the gang just stares)
Steph: OK, Naitch, turn on the machine.
Coleomatic-2000: That’s VINTAGE Undertaker right there!
Tony: (in his announcer voice) What a move that was! Fans, I tell you, he slammed him hard there. This is the greatest night in the history of this great sport!
Coleomatic: That’s heinous!
Tony: What a despicable, low-life that man is. Did you see the way he came in there and blind-sided him?
Coleomatic-2000: No, not this way, not this way!
Tony: Oh my God, he didn’t, no, no!
HHH: (to Flair) This is eerie, isn’t it? It’s like two Coles in one room.
Flair: Wooooooo!
Coleomatic-2000: A stiff kick to the head!
Tony: What a powerbomb that was!
Steph: (turning off the machine) I think that will do. We’ll be in touch.
Tony: I could do it again so the camera can get my other side.
Steph: Once is plenty, and again, there are no cameras.
Tony: But I thought –
Hunter: What she meant to say was…(he gets up, walks over and smacks Tony in the head with Sledgie, then returns to his seat)
Steph: Hunter, you said you wouldn’t do that anymore.
HHH: I said I wouldn’t Pedigree anyone else, and I didn’t. Besides, I didn’t hit anyone, he did.
Steph: Stop trying to blame Sledgie.
HHH: (to Sledgie) Suck up.
(Sledgie, as always, says nothing)
(the door opens and Art Donovan wanders in)
Art: Is this for that ShakeDown commentary thing there?
Steph: It’s Smackdown, but yes it is, Mr Donovan. Are you going to try out?
Art: Yes I would love to (he spots Dusty) how much does THAT fella weigh there?
Dusty: I’m just a hair over 250, son, don’t disrespect the waistline of the son of a plumber.
HHH: (to Flair) 250 what? It’s not pounds is it?
Flair: Wooooooooo!
HHH: Oh, right, Buicks. That makes more sense.
Steph: (turning on the machine) Are you ready, Mr Donovan?
Art: Where’s the ring and them big guys at?
Steph: There isn’t one, just improvise.
Coleomatic-2000: Oh my! That’s classic Rey Mysterio!
(Art says nothing and stares blankly at the wall)
Coleomatic-2000: He’s gonna fly!
(Art still says nothing, but begins to fiddle with his tie)
Coleomatic-2000: What a devastating clothesline! Oh my!
(Art coughs, and rocks from one foot to the other)
Steph: (turning off the machine) Mr Donovan, are you all right?
Art: Just waiting to figure out who’s a big guy and who’s not. Need to know these things. (he turns and wanders back out the door)
HHH: Well that was a colossal waste of my time. Please tell me this is over.
Steph: I believe that’s all we have scheduled for –
Hogan: (bursting through the door in his red and yellow) Hold on one minute there, dude!
Steph: Hulk, I’m not a dude.
Hogan: Listen, dude, everybody’s a dude, or brother, and you’re not brother, so you must be dude, dude.
Steph: I…see.
Hogan: Anyway, the Hulkster was just sitting in his 27,000 square foot mansion, which was built entirely out of the body of that big stinky Giant that the Hulkster slammed and destroyed way back during the Jurrasic period, dude, and he heard SmackDown needed a new color commentator.
Steph: Well, yes, yes we do as a matter of fact.
Hogan: Than you need to look no further, brother, because the Hulkster is here to save SmackDown, dude.
HHH: And just how in the hell are you going to do that?
Hogan: I’m glad you asked that, Gamedude. See, the Hulkster knows what fans want, and what they want, what they need in their lives, brother, is more Hulkster, not these puny little guys running around now. So what they gonna do, brother, when my Hulkentary runs wild on them?
Steph: Hulkentary?
Hogan: The Hulkster has is own language, dude.
Steph: (turning on the machine) Whenever you’re ready, Hulk.
Coleomatic-2000: OH MY, he just kicked him in the head!
Hogan: That’s right, Micheal Cole, dude! See, the Hulkster knows a little something about moves like that. What it is, is the Hulkster will bring his boot up and, guys go down for the count, brother! When the Hulkster was running wild back in the French Revolution, the boot and the big leg took down the Monarchy, brother! It banished the barbarian hordes, dude!
Coleomatic-2000: That’s VINTAGE Kahli!
Hogan: Great point, Cole, and the Hulkster knows a little something about vintage. When the Hulkster dropped the leg on a vineyard some 50000 years ago and invented wine, the word vintage came to mind, brother!
Steph: (turning off the machine) Hulk, what are you talking about?
Hogan: What do you mean, dude?
Steph: French revolution? Vinyards?
Hogan: (reaching into his bag and pulling Mean Gene half way out) Lemme tell you something, Mean Gene (he shoves him back in the bag) the Hulkster is a great man, a stupendous man. He’s done more for wrestling than any man since the Hulkster helped the man upstairs creative humanity, brother!
(the gang stares blankly, looks of confusion on their faces)
Hogan: You see, the Hulkster got himself a new hip, but it’s not just any hip, dude! No, it’s more than that, it’s a time-traveling hip! Just yesterday, the Hulkster was in Rome bodyslamming the legions! I had to watch my man Caesar’s back, but he just wouldn’t listen! I told him, I said beware the ides of March, brother, but he just wouldn’t listen. So the Hulkster had to take it upon himself, and I took that Brutus, and I slammed him so hard the Pompeii erupted, dude!
HHH: Are you high?
Hogan: What are you talking about Gamedude? The Hulkster believes in clean living, dude!
HHH: Time traveling hip?
Josh: Mr Hunter, it’s not wise to doubt Hogan.
HHH: Shut up, Josh.
Josh: (quietly to himself) I’ll go get help. (he departs)
Hogan: Let the Hulkster show you just how foolish you are, dude! (he puts a hand on his hip) Wonder hip powers, activate! Destination, Athens, 2000 B.C., brother!
(the gang watches as Hogan disappears)
HHH: What the hell just happened?
Flair: Woooooooo!
Steph: Well, that’s just great, now we’ll never find a commentator.
Josh: (running back in the room, carrying a bottle of water and tossing it to HHH). Here, this will help.
HHH: Thanks, kid. Hey, you want to be color commentator on SmackDown?
Josh: Keeping my job is always wise! I’ll take it.
(scene ends)
HHH: Can we just get this over with?
Steph: Hunter, this is important, we need to make sure we make the right choice to help elevate the Smackdown brand. A good color commentator can go a long way in doing that, right Dream?
Dusty (playing the wishbone game with Porky) It can make it or break it, baby, can go from somethin’ to nothing, in the blink of an eye, if you weeeeeeeeeeeeeel. (the wishbone snaps, leaving Dusty the bigger half) Yes, now gimme that turkey leg, shorty, the son of a plumber needs to eat!
Flair: Wooooooooo!
Dusty: Quiet, you’re still upset about Wichita in ’83, when I took ya to da pay windah!
Flair: Wooooooo!
HHH: Can we please just hurry up? I’m missing Days, and if the Game misses days, then the Game is not a happy man.
Steph: Alright, everyone ready? (she pushes a button on the intercom) Please send in the first applicant.
Holly: (speaking through the intercom) Give me one second.
Steph: (hearing the sounds of a scuffle over the speaker) Is there a problem, Bob?
Holly: Not at all, I’m multitasking I’ve got a half dozen OVW kids out here, so I’m doing an, uh, orientation class.
Steph: Well, thank you for being such a team player, Bob. Send in the applicant when you get a moment.
Bob: No problem, Steph: (then away from the intercom) Where do you think you’re going, punk? Get back here!
Josh: Running from Hardcore is never wise.
(the door opens and Kahli walks in trailed by Gerwitz)
Steph: (to Flair) Please turn on the Micheal Cole simulator.
Flair: Woooooooo!
Steph: Yes, Naitch, it’s very life-like, that’s why we spent one million dollars having it made.
HHH: Hang on, a million bucks?
Steph: Not to worry, we saved money in other areas.
(scene changes to Tysom Tomko and John Heidenreich, sitting in a park)
John: So what do we do now?
Tomko: I’m thinking I’ll use this. (he holds up a sign that says “will botch boot for food”)
John: That’s nice and all, but what do I do?
Tomko: Uh…poetry?
(scene changes back to the conference room)
HHH: Well, hopefully it helps.
Coleomatic-2000: OH MY! What a vicious move by Mark Henry!
Kahli: Yes, notice how he utilizes his weight and leverage to –
Gerwitz: (cutting him off) Ahem, caramels?
Kahli: You can’t be serious.
Gerwitz: We had it written into your contract.
Kahli: Fine. (takes a handful of the candies and pops them in his mouth and chews)
Gerwitz: Please, continue.
Coleomatic-2000: No! Not this way! Not this way!
Kahli: Blaaaaaaaargraaaaawfaaaaaaawwwaaaaaaaaaa!
Gerwitz: Much better. Steph? What did you think?
Steph: (looking to the group) Guys?
Matthews: Usually, caramels are always wise, but in this case…I should go get help.
Steph: Naitch?
Flair: Woooooo!
Steph: Hunter? What did you think?
HHH: (standing) Well, I have to say…(he walks across the room to Kahli, kicks him low and Pedigrees him, then returns to his seat)
Steph: I see. Thank you Kahli, we’ll be in touch.
(Kahli is dragged out of the room by Gerwitz)
Steph: (on the intercom) Next please.
(Hacksaw Jim Duggan walks in, in his wrestling gear, carrying a 2X4)
Steph: Hacksaw, why are you wearing your ring gear?
Hacksaw: Because I’m Hacksaw Jim Duggan, tough, uh, lady, and I’m going to show you how to get beat up!
HHH: That’s a fantastic idea. (he ges up from the table again, walks over and Pedigrees Duggan) Care to comment on that, Hacksaw?
Hacksaw: (cough) Hooooooo!
(HHH returns to his seat)
Steph: Hunter, if you keep Pedigreeing the applicants, we’ll never get this done.
HHH: Ok, I promise, I won’t pedigree any more applicants.
Steph: Good. (hitting the intercom again) Send in the next applicant, Bob.
Holly: (over the sound of punches landing) Sure thing, Steph.
(Tony Schiavone enters)
HHH: Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Flair: Woooooooooooooo!
HHH: Oh, oh, right, right, WCW. Sorry, forgot about them.
Tony: So where should I stand?
Steph: You’re fine right there.
Tony: Are you sure? I could move a bit to the left, so the camera can get my good side.
HHH: What camera?
Tony: I was told to expect cameras.
(the gang just stares)
Steph: OK, Naitch, turn on the machine.
Coleomatic-2000: That’s VINTAGE Undertaker right there!
Tony: (in his announcer voice) What a move that was! Fans, I tell you, he slammed him hard there. This is the greatest night in the history of this great sport!
Coleomatic: That’s heinous!
Tony: What a despicable, low-life that man is. Did you see the way he came in there and blind-sided him?
Coleomatic-2000: No, not this way, not this way!
Tony: Oh my God, he didn’t, no, no!
HHH: (to Flair) This is eerie, isn’t it? It’s like two Coles in one room.
Flair: Wooooooo!
Coleomatic-2000: A stiff kick to the head!
Tony: What a powerbomb that was!
Steph: (turning off the machine) I think that will do. We’ll be in touch.
Tony: I could do it again so the camera can get my other side.
Steph: Once is plenty, and again, there are no cameras.
Tony: But I thought –
Hunter: What she meant to say was…(he gets up, walks over and smacks Tony in the head with Sledgie, then returns to his seat)
Steph: Hunter, you said you wouldn’t do that anymore.
HHH: I said I wouldn’t Pedigree anyone else, and I didn’t. Besides, I didn’t hit anyone, he did.
Steph: Stop trying to blame Sledgie.
HHH: (to Sledgie) Suck up.
(Sledgie, as always, says nothing)
(the door opens and Art Donovan wanders in)
Art: Is this for that ShakeDown commentary thing there?
Steph: It’s Smackdown, but yes it is, Mr Donovan. Are you going to try out?
Art: Yes I would love to (he spots Dusty) how much does THAT fella weigh there?
Dusty: I’m just a hair over 250, son, don’t disrespect the waistline of the son of a plumber.
HHH: (to Flair) 250 what? It’s not pounds is it?
Flair: Wooooooooo!
HHH: Oh, right, Buicks. That makes more sense.
Steph: (turning on the machine) Are you ready, Mr Donovan?
Art: Where’s the ring and them big guys at?
Steph: There isn’t one, just improvise.
Coleomatic-2000: Oh my! That’s classic Rey Mysterio!
(Art says nothing and stares blankly at the wall)
Coleomatic-2000: He’s gonna fly!
(Art still says nothing, but begins to fiddle with his tie)
Coleomatic-2000: What a devastating clothesline! Oh my!
(Art coughs, and rocks from one foot to the other)
Steph: (turning off the machine) Mr Donovan, are you all right?
Art: Just waiting to figure out who’s a big guy and who’s not. Need to know these things. (he turns and wanders back out the door)
HHH: Well that was a colossal waste of my time. Please tell me this is over.
Steph: I believe that’s all we have scheduled for –
Hogan: (bursting through the door in his red and yellow) Hold on one minute there, dude!
Steph: Hulk, I’m not a dude.
Hogan: Listen, dude, everybody’s a dude, or brother, and you’re not brother, so you must be dude, dude.
Steph: I…see.
Hogan: Anyway, the Hulkster was just sitting in his 27,000 square foot mansion, which was built entirely out of the body of that big stinky Giant that the Hulkster slammed and destroyed way back during the Jurrasic period, dude, and he heard SmackDown needed a new color commentator.
Steph: Well, yes, yes we do as a matter of fact.
Hogan: Than you need to look no further, brother, because the Hulkster is here to save SmackDown, dude.
HHH: And just how in the hell are you going to do that?
Hogan: I’m glad you asked that, Gamedude. See, the Hulkster knows what fans want, and what they want, what they need in their lives, brother, is more Hulkster, not these puny little guys running around now. So what they gonna do, brother, when my Hulkentary runs wild on them?
Steph: Hulkentary?
Hogan: The Hulkster has is own language, dude.
Steph: (turning on the machine) Whenever you’re ready, Hulk.
Coleomatic-2000: OH MY, he just kicked him in the head!
Hogan: That’s right, Micheal Cole, dude! See, the Hulkster knows a little something about moves like that. What it is, is the Hulkster will bring his boot up and, guys go down for the count, brother! When the Hulkster was running wild back in the French Revolution, the boot and the big leg took down the Monarchy, brother! It banished the barbarian hordes, dude!
Coleomatic-2000: That’s VINTAGE Kahli!
Hogan: Great point, Cole, and the Hulkster knows a little something about vintage. When the Hulkster dropped the leg on a vineyard some 50000 years ago and invented wine, the word vintage came to mind, brother!
Steph: (turning off the machine) Hulk, what are you talking about?
Hogan: What do you mean, dude?
Steph: French revolution? Vinyards?
Hogan: (reaching into his bag and pulling Mean Gene half way out) Lemme tell you something, Mean Gene (he shoves him back in the bag) the Hulkster is a great man, a stupendous man. He’s done more for wrestling than any man since the Hulkster helped the man upstairs creative humanity, brother!
(the gang stares blankly, looks of confusion on their faces)
Hogan: You see, the Hulkster got himself a new hip, but it’s not just any hip, dude! No, it’s more than that, it’s a time-traveling hip! Just yesterday, the Hulkster was in Rome bodyslamming the legions! I had to watch my man Caesar’s back, but he just wouldn’t listen! I told him, I said beware the ides of March, brother, but he just wouldn’t listen. So the Hulkster had to take it upon himself, and I took that Brutus, and I slammed him so hard the Pompeii erupted, dude!
HHH: Are you high?
Hogan: What are you talking about Gamedude? The Hulkster believes in clean living, dude!
HHH: Time traveling hip?
Josh: Mr Hunter, it’s not wise to doubt Hogan.
HHH: Shut up, Josh.
Josh: (quietly to himself) I’ll go get help. (he departs)
Hogan: Let the Hulkster show you just how foolish you are, dude! (he puts a hand on his hip) Wonder hip powers, activate! Destination, Athens, 2000 B.C., brother!
(the gang watches as Hogan disappears)
HHH: What the hell just happened?
Flair: Woooooooo!
Steph: Well, that’s just great, now we’ll never find a commentator.
Josh: (running back in the room, carrying a bottle of water and tossing it to HHH). Here, this will help.
HHH: Thanks, kid. Hey, you want to be color commentator on SmackDown?
Josh: Keeping my job is always wise! I’ll take it.
(scene ends)
