Oh my God this woman is driving me insane

[rapidfire187]

So I started talking to a girl that I met on a dating site a few weeks ago. She's really pretty, has a nice car, has a job, and is in college. She also seemed funny and we shared a lot of interests. Basically, she seemed like a great catch. That is, until we started talking on the phone.

The first night that we talked, the conversation lasted for about 45 minutes. Within that 45 minutes I probably said 3 sentences. The woman just does not shut up. I ended up learning way too much about her financial situation, her friend's financial situations, her parent's financial situations, etc. It basically seemed like she's obsessed with money, so I made sure to tell her that I'm broke as hell. She seemed shocked that I would even think that she would care about that.

In subsequent conversations she has completely trashed a friend of hers that she just had a falling out with. Then when finding out that I share a class with him, she mentions him every single time we talk. I don't think she has a thing for him or anything because he's gay, it's just that it makes me uncomfortable. But when I tell her this, she just keeps on anyway.

She spent 30 minutes last night trying to convince me that she's seen ghosts and that the same friend that she trashes all the time is a psychic. Even when I would tell her "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" it didn't even phase her, she would just keep talking about it.

She will talk for so long without even pausing for me to say anything that it drives me crazy. And she will just randomly say "Oh yea!" in the middle of her stories like she's reacting to something that I said. I literally timed her one night, she talked for 35 minutes while I remained silent before she finally asked "are you still there?". While she was talking about her favorite music (all stuff that I hate) I mentioned that I was a rapper, thinking this would steer the conversation towards something I actually cared about a little. Instead she just said "oh cool" and continued talking about her favorite country artists.

So I was ready to just break things off with her. It was going to be hard because she really seems to like me, and is really a sweet girl. But then she told me something last night that just made me feel like shit. She has Asperger's. I looked it up online, and all of the signs seem to fit her perfectly. It explains why she acts the way that she does. But now I really have no idea how to handle the situation. I know the easy thing to do would be to stop answering her calls and texts, but I refuse to do that. I hate when people do that to me.

Ugh. I just needed to rant for a minute.

[Ducky Momo]

That was a swerve, well shit. I was going to tell you to tell her off and break it off. But I don't know anymore... You still need to end it for your sake, but do it in person and explain yourself. Just ignoring her is all kinds of douchy.

[SAJ Forth]

Sept 7, 2011 13:36:22 GMT -5 Ducky Momo said:

That was a swerve, well s***. I was going to tell you to tell her off and break it off. But I don't know anymore... You still need to end it for your sake, but do it in person and explain yourself. Just ignoring her is all kinds of douchy.

This is true.

[rapidfire187]

Sept 7, 2011 13:36:22 GMT -5 Ducky Momo said:

That was a swerve, well s***. I was going to tell you to tell her off and break it off. But I don't know anymore... You still need to end it for your sake, but do it in person and explain yourself. Just ignoring her is all kinds of douchy.

See that's the thing, we met online and haven't met in person yet. We had a date planned for the end of the month. So doing it in person would mean going through this for the rest of this month, dragging her along, and then breaking it off on the day that we meet. That would be quite awful.

I've pretty much put myself into a corner here. I refuse to just ignore her b/c I've had it happen to me before and it just sucks. I feel like the best thing to do is to tell her exactly why I want to stop talking. At least, it's the most fair thing to do. But I'm not exactly sure how I can say "I don't think we can talk anymore because you drive me absolutely insane every time we talk" in a nice way. Like, I always end up getting pissed off when we talk, and it's not because she has said or done anything to me that is out of line. I've really got to figure out a nice way to tell her that...f***.

[BHB]

Hit it and quit it.

[babyfootball]

Not to be "that guy," but the fact that you haven't even met her in person yet kinda changes things. There's honestly nothing to really break off. Don't just completely start ignoring her, that wouldn't be nice to do to anyone, but if she's that crazy, Asperger's or not, you're not doing her or yourself any favors to keep this charade up. I had a situation like this happen a few months back, the difference was that she was a girl that I used to go to school with and had a pretty big crush on, but nothing happened between us. Years later, she contacts me out of the blue, starts calling me at all odd hours until I realized that despite the fact that she's a nice girl and probably a good catch for somebody out there, it wasn't going to be me because she's batshit crazy. I just started answering the phone say, every three times she called me, then every four, and so on, still being nice (and honestly, still seeing if things would progress behind random calls about nothing) but not really being aggressive at all about anything. Eventually she seemed to get the hint (or met another guy, one that a) doesn't live 2 hours from her and b) is willing to deal with her insanity).

I don't mean to offend or stereotype anybody with any kind of mental illness/learning disability/etc... but if you're not able to deal with it, you shouldn't force yourself to just because "she can't help it." And it's not like she's your girlfriend or you've slept with her or even went on an actual date, you don't really owe her an explanation, per se. Sure, you want to be tactful, but you're right, you have to alter your behavior soon. Tell her flat-out that if it's a boy to date that she's looking for, that's one thing, but if it's just a sounding board, she's come to the wrong place, if she doesn't get the hint and that's what it comes to. Good luck with that.

[Deleted]

Just stay with her and be miserable until one of you dies to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

[theryno665]

At least she has a reason for her erratic behavior other than "being a woman".

Unless you're really uncomfortable with it, why not give it a chance? I don't blame you if you don't want to but maybe you guys could hit it off once you finally do meet. But if not, just run far far away.

[rapidfire187]

Sept 7, 2011 18:17:18 GMT -5 theryno665 said:

At least she has a reason for her erratic behavior other than "being a woman".

Unless you're really uncomfortable with it, why not give it a chance? I don't blame you if you don't want to but maybe you guys could hit it off once you finally do meet. But if not, just run far far away.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable with her having Aspergers...it's just that because she has that, she talks in a way that drives me up the wall. I listed my gripes in the OP, but basically I have to say I have never encountered somebody that just grated on my nerves so badly when we talk. I know it's not her fault, but there's no way I could deal with it on a regular basis. And since it's the result of a mental illness, I don't think that she could even change her behavior if she wanted to...and I might be kind of a dick for even asking her to.

It sucks so bad because other than that, she is exactly what I thought I was looking for. Very pretty, has her s*** together, and basically the opposite of my ex girlfriend in terms of being responsible. To top it off she's very into me. It just seems like I would be trading the problems I had with past girlfriends for a whole new set of problems that I don't know how to handle. It's obvious to me that I can't let it go any further, I just have to grow some balls and do it I guess. Wish me luck guys.

[Mozenrath]

Probably shouldn't go further.

Yes, if she has Aspergers, it might make you feel guilty, but you're not doing her a favor to pretend you're interested if you aren't.

She is an adult. It'll suck, but if you don't see a future there, it's better not to drag this out.

[Captain2]

Yeah, feel bad for her and try to soften the blow but you can't date someone just out of pity.

If she really bugs you so much that you didn't want to be with her anymore then it would be worse to stick around secretly hating her and wanting to get out of the relationship than simply saying "I'm sorry, this just isn't working out for me".

[Kevin Hamilton]

You've got zero obligations here. None.

[Mozenrath]

Sept 7, 2011 19:34:34 GMT -5 Kevin Hamilton said:

You've got zero obligations here. None.

I wasn't going to, but now I feel obligated.

Okay, here goes.


There has been too much false pretense. Too much pity. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give her your farewells, cut ties, be honest, end the whole mess, and you'll spare her feelings down the line. Just walk away and you'll move on to something better suited for you. Just walk away and there will be an end to the fiasco.

[Kevin Hamilton]

Sept 7, 2011 19:40:25 GMT -5 Mozenrath said:

Sept 7, 2011 19:34:34 GMT -5 Kevin Hamilton said:

You've got zero obligations here. None.

I wasn't going to, but now I feel obligated.

Okay, here goes.


There has been too much false pretense. Too much pity. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give her your farewells, cut ties, be honest, end the whole mess, and you'll spare her feelings down the line. Just walk away and you'll move on to something better suited for you. Just walk away and there will be an end to the fiasco.

I was gonna go for that vid, but figured someone else would. Heh.

[Mozenrath]

Sept 7, 2011 19:43:22 GMT -5 Kevin Hamilton said:

Sept 7, 2011 19:40:25 GMT -5 Mozenrath said:

I wasn't going to, but now I feel obligated.

Okay, here goes.


There has been too much false pretense. Too much pity. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give her your farewells, cut ties, be honest, end the whole mess, and you'll spare her feelings down the line. Just walk away and you'll move on to something better suited for you. Just walk away and there will be an end to the fiasco.

I was gonna go for that vid, but figured someone else would. Heh.

I find our buddy Lord Humongous often has something to say about star-crossed relationships.

[The Peoples Elbow]

You have a few options:

a. Break it off over the phone, being very gentle and caring.
b. Have your parents call and tell her that you've moved to Timbuktu.
c. Send her a link to this page and let the chaos ensue.

[rapidfire187]

Sept 7, 2011 19:56:02 GMT -5 The Peoples Elbow said:

.
c. Send her a link to this page and let the chaos ensue.

Dammit, why didn't I go with that option?

Wait...It's because I wanted to spare you guys some future torture. Your welcome!

Anyway, I did it. She texted me a few hours ago and I told her I had to talk to her about something. Then I basically told her that I don't think I'm right for her because she has a lot of personality quirks that get on my nerves and she deserves someone that can appreciate her for who she is. She made it a little more difficult by sending me like 10 messages back to back saying things like "but I'll change for you" and stuff, but I told her that it's unfair for me to expect her to change anything. I told her we could talk about it over the phone if she wanted, but she just wanted to go to bed.

I feel really bad about the whole thing, and I'm not even sure if I learned anything from this experience. I guess it's something that comes with the territory of online dating but I don't know what I could do to keep something like this from happening again other than just writing off online dating for good. I've had too many good experiences to consider that option though.

Thanks for reassuring me that I was doing the right thing guys, it made that whole thing a lot easier for me.

[Mozenrath]

Sept 7, 2011 21:52:13 GMT -5 rapidfire187 said:

Sept 7, 2011 19:56:02 GMT -5 The Peoples Elbow said:

.
c. Send her a link to this page and let the chaos ensue.

Dammit, why didn't I go with that option?

Wait...It's because I wanted to spare you guys some future torture. Your welcome!

Anyway, I did it. She texted me a few hours ago and I told her I had to talk to her about something. Then I basically told her that I don't think I'm right for her because she has a lot of personality quirks that get on my nerves and she deserves someone that can appreciate her for who she is. She made it a little more difficult by sending me like 10 messages back to back saying things like "but I'll change for you" and stuff, but I told her that it's unfair for me to expect her to change anything. I told her we could talk about it over the phone if she wanted, but she just wanted to go to bed.

I feel really bad about the whole thing, and I'm not even sure if I learned anything from this experience. I guess it's something that comes with the territory of online dating but I don't know what I could do to keep something like this from happening again other than just writing off online dating for good. I've had too many good experiences to consider that option though.

Thanks for reassuring me that I was doing the right thing guys, it made that whole thing a lot easier for me.

You made the most mature choice possible in this situation.

[Triwizard Champion]

I would have started dating her just to keep her happy. Hell with how I feel. My main goal is to make the woman happy.

I can't really blame her for wanting to talk about country music over rap.

[noleafclover1980]

You made the right call... I'd have been a lil more gentle and not tell her she annoys me, but best to do it now lol