Great Promo's: Transcripts

[Lovecraft Nightmare]

Hey there fellow Fanboys, what be crackalating?

So, as a viewer of pro wrestling I enjoy a good promo when I see/hear one. So, I decided that we could post some of the best promo's ever, in word form.....
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First of all, I would like to thank the many, many fans throughout this country that wrote cards and letters to Dusty Rhodes "The American Dream" while I was down. Secondly, I want to thank Jim Crockett Promotions for waiting and taking the time because I know how important it was. Starrcade 1985. It is to the wrestling fans. It is to Jim Crockett Promotions. And Dusty Rhodes "The American Dream" With that wait, got what I wanted.

Ric Flair, the world's heavyweight champion. I don't have to say a lot more about the way I feel about Ric Flair. No respect. No honor! There is no honor among thieves in the first place! He put...hard times on Dusty Rhodes and his family! You don't know what hard times are, daddy! Hard times are when the textile workers around this country are out of work! They got four or five kids and can't pay their wages, can't buy their food!

Hard times are when the auto workers are out of work and they tell them "Go home". And hard times are when a man has worked at a job for thirty years. THIRTY years! They give him watch, kick him in the butt, and say "Hey, a computer took your place, daddy!" That's hard times! That's hard times. And Ric Flair, you put hard times on this country by taking Dusty Rhodes out. That's hard times and we all have had hard times together.

And I admit I don't look like the athlete of the day is supposed to look. My belly is a little big. My hiney is just a little big, but brother, I am bad and they know I'm bad. And there were two bad people. One was John Wayne and he's dead, brother. And the other one is right here. "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. The world's heavyweight title belongs to these people. I'm going to reach out right now. I want you at home to know. My hand is touching your hand for this gathering of the biggest body of people in this country, in this universe, all over the world reaching out because the love that was given me and this time, I will re-pay you now because I will be the next world's heavyweight champion of this hard times' blues. Dusty Rhodes' tour '85.

And Ric Flair. "Nature Boy". Let me leave you with this. One way to hurt Ric Flair is to take what he cherishes more than anything in the world. That's the world's heavyweight title. I'm going to take it. I've been there twice. This time when I take it, daddy, I'm going to take it for you. Let's gather for it. Don't let me down now because I came back...for you. For that man up there who died ten, twelve years ago who never got the opportunity to see a real world's heavyweight champion. I'm proud of you and thank God I have you. I love you. Love you!

[SandmanBrawl Saturday?!?!?!?]

"My viewpoint on WrestleMania is just this. Let me clear the air because I never, EVER said 'I Quit'. Ken Shamrock could have went out there with 10 hearing-aids taped to his fat little head, and he never would have heard it, because I never said it!
"Bret Hart says he 'beat me to a bloody pulp. That's the biggest bunch of BS I ever heard, because I knocked the hell out of my head on a guard-rail. Bret Hart, you didn't do a damn thing! On your best day - which wasn't WrestleMania - you never got the job done! You hooked your little Sharpshooter, I'll give ya that! The only reason Stone Cold went out was because my -- my head was pumping out more blood than my heart was givin'! You're the biggest piece of trash I've ever met in my life!
"You talk about coming to the WWF, making the big comeback, because the people needed a hero! You talk about being who the people wanted you to be! That's the biggest bunch of BS I ever heard, again."
(To Vince) "You can look at Steve Austin and you can think whatever you want. You can think I'm a class act, or think I'm the biggest jackass you've ever met, but the bottom line is I ain't changin' for nobody! You put me in this ring and when the bell goes off, whether you got me against a 'good guy' and the people boo the hell out of me! Or you got me against a 'bad guy' and they cheer me, it doesn't make a damn!
"I am the 1996 King Of The Ring. All I set out to do, when the bell rings, is whip somebody's ass, and ya ain't gotta like how I do it but I'm damn sure I'll get the job done!
"I'll say something to Bret Hart right now: If you ain't in the back crying, if ya ain't quit the Federation again, put on a clean pair of panties and get ya ass out here, because I'll beat the hell outta ya right now!"

(Bret Hart on the Titantron): "Stone Cold Steve Austin, you gotta lot of nerve even showing up here tonight. 'Cause you know and I know that I plain and simply kicked your ass at WrestleMania 13. And you may not like it, and you know like a good hyena? You think you're gonna come back with your tail between your legs, but that fact is you ain't got a tail; but for a hyena, you don't look like you're laughin' very much 'cause you just got your butt kicked by the real king of the jungle! And you can talk about how your head got busted open? Well, your head got busted open because I threw you into that railing. And I threw you from pillar to post, and I beat your ass from one end of that ring. And you don't like it, but I beat you once and I'll beat you again and again and again!"

SCSA: "Let me say this..."

BH: "But you know what? I'm through with you. I am, I'm finished with you; I don't want to see you again."

SCSA: "You'll have to kill me! You'll have to kill me to be finished with me! You go get the Bulldog! You go get Owen Hart! Tell them to go get some crowbars to pry me off of your ass. You will never be finished with me!

BH: "I don't need anybody. I didn't need anybody at WrestleMania 13, and I didn't need anybody at the Survivor Series and I don't need anybody to beat you and I've proven it time in and time out!"

SCSA: "The next time when we get in this ring, if you thought like I looked like a bloody mess at WrestleMania 13, I will swear on my life you will look 10 times worse than that. And hear this. One of these days I'm gonna look down at your grave. And it's gonna say 'Here lies Bret "The Hitman" Hart, the biggest piece of crap that ever walked the face of the Earth. And the reason he's laying here is because Steve Austin whipped his pink-and-black ass!

"And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!"

[Alexander The So-so]

"John Cena, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this, because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE championship, I have a lot of things I wanna get off my chest.

I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I DO like you; I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back! I hate this idea that you're the best. Because you're not! I'M the best! I'm the best in the WORLD!

There's one thing that you're better at than I am. And that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass! You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was! I don't know if you're as good as "Dwayne," though; he's a pretty good ass-kisser. Always was and still is. Oops, I'm breaking the fourth wall! *smiles and waves at the camera*

I am the best WRESTLER in the world. I've been the best ever since day one, when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day, because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy! You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar! And he split, just like I'm splitting! But the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.

I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings, that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that: they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody and the world that I am the best, on this microphone, in that ring, even on commentary! Nobody can touch me!

And yet, no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collecter cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, and I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network. I'm not on the poster at Wrestlemania! I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show!

I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be. And trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event at Wrestlemania next year and I'm not makes me sick!!

Oh, and hey, let me get something straight: those of you who are cheering me right now? You are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else! Because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collecter's cups right now! You're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face so you can get an autograph, and try to sell it on eBay, because you're too lazy to go get a real job!

I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17th, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring Of Honor! *turns to camera and waves* Hey, Colt Cabana, how you doin'?

The reason I'm leaving is you people, because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel; the wheel's gonna keep turning, and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with gladhanding, nonsensical, douchebag yes-men like John Laurinaitis, who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear! And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is, it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law, and the rest of his stupid family!

Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon, alright? Here we're doing this whole bully camp-" *mic is cut off*

[Savior Again John Forth]

The first thing I want to be done, is to get that piece of crap outta my ring! Don't just get him outta the ring, get him outta the WWF! Because I proved son, without a shadow of a doubt, you ain't got what it takes anymore! You sit there and you thump your Bible, and you say your prayers, and it didn't get you anywhere! Talk about your psalms, talk about John 3:16, Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass! All he's gotta do is go buy him a cheap bottle of Thunderbird, and try to get back some of that courage he had in his prime! As the King of the Ring, I'm servin notice to every one of the WWF superstars, I don't give a damn what they are, they're all on the list, & that's Stone Cold's list, and I'm fixin to start runnin through all of em! And... Piss off. As far as this Championship match is considered son, I don't give a damn if it's Davey Boy Smith or Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin's time has come! And when I get the shot, you're lookin at the next WWF Champion! And that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold Said so!

[Alexander The So-so]

Raven: "A father gives up a lifetime of chasing women, of fast cars, of unwarranted hedonism, in order to bring a child onto this Earth. A mother spends nine months with a baby in her womb, a fetus, giving up cigarettes, alcohol, giving it all her attention, just to bring this child onto the Earth.

And then, for eighteen years-eighteen long years!-they spend raising this child, catering to every whim, giving it every single thing it wants, whether it be nursing, schooling, educational help, it doesn't matter! Suffering at every turn-and gladly!-because they'll do anything to make sure this child is raised properly and correctly.

And isn't it kind of funny, that yet, they turn to ME for their salvation!? For absolution! For benediction!

You see, the tortuous parenting that you gave them, the childlike lessons that you tried to instill, meant nothing. Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Shannon Hoon, even Kurt Cobain, couldn't deliver these children from the torment, from the pain, the anguish, the suffering that they've spent an entire lifetime coming to grips with.

You see, the mind that controls the children is the mind that rules the future. And I am their salvation!!

*camera pans to Tyler Fullington*

Tyler: *stretches his arms out in the Raven pose* "Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore!'"

Raven: *laughs evilly* "You see, I control the children!!! Or at least Sandman's..."

[Metalheadbanger Man]

"In just a few moments, at my leisure, I'm gonna call Vince McMahon out to his ring in front of his public on a television show that's owned by his grand company. At least, that is, until this Sunday at Survivor Series. I know how much you people appreciate what Shane and Stephanie and I have done. How Shane and Stephanie and I have stood up to the tyranny of Vince McMahon. And the way it is ladies and gentlemen is quite simple: the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) will die this Sunday. But don't blame me for that. It's not my faulty. I'm not the one who ruined everything that was accomplished by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

You see at Survivor Series, it means so much more than just the personalities that are involved. It's about ending what Vince McMahon has tried to accomplish. I sat there at that desk on Monday and I listened to Mick Foley, and I agreed with everything Mick Foley had to say; that the WWF truly does suck! Don't boo me! Have you watched the television show lately? Vince McMahon has lost his mind! The man doesn't have it anymore! He's a has-been. His ideas are antiquated. His concepts are Draconian and Mick Foley was right because the WWF is imploding from within. Like every great empire, the WWF is imploding from within. Vince's loyal employees, like "Stone Cold", left him, like Mick Foley wants nothing to do with him, Vince's own children want him to burn in Hell, and I don't blame 'em. Vince McMahon will see the WWF die this Sunday at Survivor Series and he has no hope to save his precious company. Vince McMahon has the same chances of saving the WWF as he did of realizing his dream of starting a football league!

(Vince's McMahon's music hits and he enters the ring.) I want you to know that I was down on my knees because I know you're used to men kissing your ass, Vinnie. Every time you walk in the back, there's Patterson and Brisco, 'Oh, what a great idea you had, Vince!' You like men kissing your ass, don't you, Vince? Because that's what you're all about; a billionaire! The billionaire, Vince McMahon! The creator of sports entertainment! I've waited so long to see you face to face like this. And I've waited so long to tell you to your face that I hate your stinking guts. And it's not just me, it's your children that hate your stinking guts, Vince, and at Survivor Series, your children are going to do to you what I've waited my whole life to see someone do to you, Vince. You are, so help me God, the most disgusting, vile, son of a bitch I've ever seen in my life. You took Hulk Hogan’s blood and you built Titan Towers. You stole Bret Hart’s dream, and with that money, bought yourself an airplane with WWF all over it. You did that and you know it, you son of a bitch! You stole Shawn Michaels’ smile, took your company public and made yourself a billionaire. But not a self-made billionaire, like you like to tell everybody you are. Oh no…see, you’re a billionaire on other people’s hard work.

Your father, your father, Vince McMahon, your father went around the country and shook the hand...you know I'm telling you the truth, don't you? You know in your heart that I'm telling you the truth, that your father shook the hand of every promoter in this country that he'd never compete against them, that his son would never compete against them. And when your father DIED, you competed! And with your ruthless, merciless, take-no-prisoners attitude, you drove everybody out of business, didn't you, Vince? You ran all the competition into the ground and you stole all their ideas and you made yourself a billionaire out of it! And you know whose ideas you stole the most, Vince? You stole mine. See, I don't give a damn about Don Owen and Sam Mushnick and Jim Crockett, I care about what you did to me and my family. How you stole my dreams, how you stole my legacy, how you stole everything that Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW) represented. Because while Doink the Clown had green hair and a rubber nose, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin was drinking his first beer in ECW, damn you. While Bobby Heenan and Gene Okerlund were dancing around singing "Tutti Fruitti", ECW was producing the edgy TV that you named "attitude." 'Oh, we've got attitude!' You've got nothing, man! What you've got is my ideas and you stole my life, my money, my legacy! (throws his hat at him) SCREW YOU! SCREW YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! I'll tell you something, your own children hate your guts! And on Sunday, your children are going to get even with you, for everything that you stole from me, from everything you stole from them! You flaunt your affairs in front of your wife! You flaunt your affairs in Playboy for your children to read! You bastard!

Look at Tazz! Look at Tazz! This man was a killer, he was a machine! He was a wrestler, a great wrestler, a real man. But wrestling is a dirty word to you, isn't it, Vince? Your father built a wrestling company, and you, you had to have sports entertainment. 'We have to have sports entertainment, ha ha ha!' (Points to Tazz) He was a wrestler, he was a great wrestler, he was a man. And now, he's a fat, little, obnoxious color commentator, and not even a good one! He is a sports entertainer. He is not a wrestler because you made wrestling a dirty word. You made wrestling a dirty word, Vince. What kind of a man are you? What kind of a man takes wrestling and makes it sports entertainment? At Survivor Series, you're going down. You're going down, Vince. I promise you, you're going down, and I'm going to watch it and your children are going to lift their leg, and stand over your grave and we're going to laugh. And you know what else I'm going to do, Vince? I'm going to run your ass out of business. And there's not a damn thing you can do about. I'm feeling good about myself..." (Tazz locks in the Tazzmission and chokes Heyman down)

I got this off No DQ, but man I love this promo.

["Playboy" Don Douglas]

I loved everything about that Heyman promo except for Taz putting him in the Tazmission and Vince no-selling the whole thing with a lame one liner. But Heyman was brilliant.

[BrodietheSlayer]

GO: Hulk Hogan, excuse me. Excuse me! What in the world are you thinking?"
HH: Mean Gene, the first thing you need to do is to tell these people to shut up if you wanna' hear what I've got to say… The first thing you gotta' realize, brother, is this right here is the future of wrestling (pointing to himself, Hall, and Nash). You can call this the New World Order of Wrestling. These two men right here came from a great big organization up north and everybody was wondering who the third man was. Well, who knows more about that organization but me, brother?… Let me tell you something. I made that organization a monster. I made people rich up there. I made the people that ran that organization rich up there. And when it all came to pass, the name Hulk Hogan, the man Hulk Hogan, got bigger than the whole organization.
Billionaire Ted wanted to talk turkey with Hulk Hogan. Well Billionaire Ted promised me movies, brother. Billionaire Ted promised me millions of dollars. Billionaire Ted promised me world caliber matches. As far as Billionaire Ted goes, Eric Bischoff, and the whole WCW goes, I'm bored brother. That's why these two guys here, the so-called outsiders, these are the men I want as my friends. They are the new blood of professional wrestling. And not only are we going to take over the whole wrestling business with Hulk Hogan and the new blood, the monsters with me, we will destroy everything in our path, Mean Gene.
[Fans pelted the ring with garbage]
GO: Look at all of this crap in this ring. This is what's in the future for you if you want to hang around with this man Hall and this man Nash.
HH: As far as I'm concerned, all of this crap in the ring represents these fans out here. For two years, brother, for two years I held my head high. I did everything for the charities. I did everything for the kids. And the reception I got when I got out here - you fans can stick it, brother. Because if it wasn't for Hulk Hogan you people wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff would still be selling meat from a truck in Minneapolis. And if it wasn't for Hulk Hogan, all these Johnny Come Lately's that you see out here wrestling wouldn't be here. I was selling out the world, brother, while they were pumping gas in their car to get to high school. So the way it is now, brother, with Hulk Hogan and the New World Organization of Wrestling, me and the new blood by my side, whatcha gonna do when the New World Organization runs wild on you.
[TS: We have just seen the end of Hulkamania… Hulk Hogan, you can go to hell. Straight to hell.]

Key: GO=Okerlund, HH=Hogan, TS=Schivone

[Moebey the Rules]

'If all you women out there were forced to watch your man or you husband laid out unconscious, facing even further injury yeah, that might make you a little bit upset. That might make you a little bit over the edge. That might make you a little bit insane, if you know what i mean. And if you men out there were forced to watch your wife or your woman or your main squeeze, yeeahhh, BEGGING to another man and then getting SLAPPED by another man, that might make you a little bit upset. That might make you a little bit over the edge. That might make you a little bit insane. But not me Snakeman, not me. Because i know what i'm going to do to you TONIGHT! ...Y'know something...maybe i am insane. Maybe i am insane. And maybe it's time for you Jake 'The Snake' Roberts to FIND OUT HOW INSANE I AM, YEEEAAAHHH, RIGHT NOW! YEEEAHH!' -Macho Man

[Steveweiser]

More than anyone else in that ECW dressing room, Tommy Dreamer, maybe more than anybody else in the wrestling industry, you are willing to pay the price, to sweat, to bleed, to suffer. You're willing to bear that cross, and I say Tommy, don't do it! Because, you see, in order to sacrifice and bear that cross for them, it means I've got to suffer too, and I'm telling you from the voice of experience, that they're not worth it, Tommy. They're not worth it!

You see, you've got the choice, not me. I made my bed of nails, and now I've got no other choice but to be powerbombed on it. But you see, Tommy, the world is smiling at you, the wrestling business is smiling at you, and don't you frown back on it!

I'm going to take you back to a very deciding point in my life - a time when I believed in something. A time when I thought that my face and my name made a difference. Do you remember the night, Tommy Dreamer, because it's embedded in my skull, it's embedded in my heart, and it's embedded in every nightmare that I will ever have again. As Terry Funk took a bottle and began slicing and dicing Cactus Jack, the pain was so much, Tommy, that I'll be honest with you, I wanted to say, "I quit, Terry Funk, I give, I wave the flag, and I'm a coward - please don't cut me anymore," when I saw my saving grace, you see, Tommy, I looked out in that audience, my adoring crowd, and I saw two simple words that changed my life.

"Cane Dewey."

Somebody had taken the time and the effort and the thought to make a sign that said "Cane Dewey." And I saw other people around, as every moment in my life stopped and focused in on that sign, and the pain that shot through my body became a distant memory, replaced by the pain which will be embedded into my skull to my dying day! "Cane Dewey. CANE DEWEY."

Dewey Foley is a three-year old boy, you sick sons of bitches!

YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING I BELIEVED IN, AND YOU FLUSHED IT DOWN THE DAMN TOILET! You flushed my heart, you flushed my soul, and now it sickens me to sit back and see other people making the same mistake!

You see, Tommy Dreamer, I gotta listen to my little boy every day of my life saying, "Daddy, I miss Atlanta," and I'd say, "It's too bad son," because your dad traded a Victorian house for a sweatbox in Long Island. Your dad traded in a hundred-thousand dollar contract, guaranteed money, insurance, respect, and the name on the dotted line of the greatest man in the world... to work for a scumbag who operates out of a little pissant pawn shop in Philadelphia.

You don't expect me to be bitter? Tommy, when you open up your heart, when you open up your soul, and it gets s*** on, it tends to make Jack a very mean boy. And so I'm saying to you, before I take these aggressions out on you, to look at your future and realise that the hardcore life is a lie, that these letters behind me are a blatant lie, that those fans who sit there and say, "He's Hardcore, He's Hardcore, He's Hardcore," wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, you selfish son of a bitch!

But I want you to understand, Tommy, and though he's hurt you time and time again, deep in his heart, Raven wants you to understand that the hatred I have in here is not for you. No, far removed. You see, Tommy, I'm not doing this because I hate you... I love you, man! I only want the best for you, but when I hear that WCW called up your number and you say, "No thank you," well it makes my blood run cold, as cold as that night in the ECW Arena.

And so I have got a moral obligation... you see, Tommy, I'm on the path of righteousness, and righteous men wield a lot of power. So if I have got to drag you by your face to that telephone call and dial collect and say, "Hello, Eric, it's me, Cactus, and though I know I've burnt my bridge, and I'll never be taken back with open arms, I've got a wrestler who would gladly trade in his ECW shirt for a pair of green suspenders." Tommy, just think of that sound in your ear when Uncle Eric says, "Welcome home, Tommy Dreamer. Welcome home." I love being right.

[dav]

May 4, 2012 15:59:27 GMT -5 "Playboy" Don Douglas said:

I loved everything about that Heyman promo except for Taz putting him in the Tazmission and Vince no-selling the whole thing with a lame one liner. But Heyman was brilliant.

I hated it meself. If only for the fact that all Vince had to do in order to tear down Heyman's self righteous prattling was ask him who paid their workers on time.

[Alexander The So-so]

A two-fer, since they're two great promos from the same feud:




"Nothing stops me! And before you cut me off, Raven, the reason I hate you, the reason in my heart of hearts why I hate you, is because I didn't know any better when I was a little kid, when my dad came home smelling like beer! I thought it was a hard day's work he was doing; I didn't realize he was out at the bar! I didn't realize 'work' meant 'unemployment office!'" I didn't think it was strange for somebody to come home from work and have to take an Old Style up into the shower while they showered! I didn't think it was strange for somebody to pass out; I thought an Old Style, a pack a day, was the norm!

Raven, my father is exactly like you! And since day one in Ring Of Honor, where fighting spirit is supposed to be revered, things aren't supposed to be this way! I'd shake your hand like a normal man, but the truth is I don't respect you! I HATE YOU!! I hate you for everything you've pissed away! Everything that I scraped and I clawed for, that I haven't even earned yet, that you got handed to you, and you flushed down the toilet! For what!?! For pills!? For booze!? For alcohol!? For women!?

I am born of your poisoned society! So, on the 17th of July, I will become a monster, to fight the monsters of the world! And your time in Ring Of Honor will be done! And that is a PROMISE! Because this is true!! This is real!! THIS IS STRAIGHT-EDGE!!!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------

"Being on the outside looking in, you may think that the feud between myself and Raven is simply about being straight-edge versus living a life of drugs and debauchery, but it's not. It's about something more deep-rooted than that. It's a lot of disappointment. It's about looking up to somebody, and having everything you believed in shattered and turned to dust before your eyes. It's about fallen heroes. It's about the deconstruction of a vile decadence of an era that's long been dead, yet somehow is continuing to live in a lifeless body. It's about the death of a person who even motivated me to join a wrestling school.

Raven, you became an anti-hero, except you're against everything I believe in. But that made me train that much harder. I drove up and down roads for five long years for little or no money. I fractured my skull in front of 60 people. I've missed holidays with loved ones, I've sacrificed again and again and again, and for what?

Because someday I knew I'd be face-to-face in a squared circle with my nemesis. My anti-hero. Somebody who's against everything I believe in. Well, Raven, I've been suffering for too long! I've been hungry for a long time, and they haven't been feeding me! Tonight, I end my suffering, with your demise! And you're gonna find out exactly why straight-edge means I'm better than you!"

[Mr T L Wolf]

While we're on CM Punk:
"Isn't this the prettiest little thing you've ever seen? It was over a year ago I held this belt high in the air after I fought for it for the first time in Dayton, Ohio against Samoa Joe and I proclaimed this belt the most important thing to me. Right now, in my hands, as of this day 6/18/05, THIS becomes the most important belt in the world! This belt in the hands of any other man is just a belt, but in my hands it becomes power. Just like this microphone in the hands of any of the boys in the back is just a microphone, but in the hands of a dangerous man like myself it becomes a pipe-bomb. These words that I speak spoken but anybody else are just words strung loosely together to form sentences. What I say I mean, and what I mean I say, and they become anthems! You see, if I could be afforded the time here a little bit of a story. There was once an old man, walking home from work. He was walking in the snow, and he stumbled upon a snake frozen in the ice. He took that snake, and he brought it home, and he took care of it, and he thawed it out, and he nursed it back to health. And as soon as that snake was well enough, it bit the old man. And as the old man lay there dying he asked the snake, 'Why? I took care of you. I loved you. I saved your life.' And that snake looked that man right in the eye and said, 'You stupid old man. I'm a snake.' The greatest thing the devil ever did was make you people believe he didn't exist...and you're looking at him right now! I AM THE DEVIL HIMSELF! And all of you stupid, mindless people fell for it! You all believed in the same make-believe superhero that the legendary Ricky 'The Dragon' Steamboat saw some year ago today. No, you see, you don't know anything. You followed me hook-line and sinker, all of you did, and I'm not mad at you...I just feel sorry for you. This belongs to me! Everything you see here belongs to me, and I did what I had to do to get my hands on this. Now I am the GREATEST PRO WRESTLER walkin' the Earth today! This is my stage, this is my theater, you are my puppets! When I pulled those marionette strings, and I moved your emotions, and I played with them, and honestly it's 'cause I get off on it. I hate each and every single one of you with a thousand burns and I will not stop...I will not stop until I prove that I am better than you, that I am better than Low Ki, that I am better than AJ Styles! I'm better than Samoa Joe. Ladies and gentlemen, the champ is here! You don't have to love it, but you better learn to accept it. 'Cause I'm taking this with me, and there's not a single person in that locker room that can stop me!"

Death Before Dishonor III. June 18th, 2005.

[Jimmy]

"Triple H - that is ENOUGH! "Is this what you get off on? Making fun of me - how much more do you want from me? First...you take away my job - then you bring this idiot out there, and you take away my dignity. Then, Monday night, in what should have been the greatest night of my life when I was reinstated on RAW is WAR, you take me, and you ruin my shirt, and you ruin my face, and I'll be honest, when I stepped into that shower and I let the cold water run down on my head, and I look down on that blood as it swirled around in that shower drain, I started thinking a little bit about what Mankind was. Now, Mankind - is an entertaining son of a gun; Mankind - is a pretty damn good author; Mankind - is one tough SOB. And Mankind is one hell of a fighter. So it saddens me to say that after the beating you gave me on Monday night, one thing Mankind is not is ready to face you in a street fight at the Royal Rumble in Madison Square Garden. Because you are, without a doubt, The Game. You are the best in the business right now...and as you said, well, Mankind in some ways is nothing more than a beaten up, pathetic fool, but I think the WWF fans deserve a substitute in that match...what I'm gonna do, Triple H, is I'm gonna name him right now, as a matter of fact, I think you know the guy..." He removes the mask and shirt and tie...to reveal a familiar T-shirt. "...and I think you know him pretty damn well - his name is CACTUS JACK! And his first official act, as part of the WWF, is to kick your teeth all over the city of Chicago!"

He rushes the ring, which clears of all but Triple H. Jack all over H - but the fake Mankind comes back in with the chair. WHACK! No effect - Jack turns around and takes it to Mankind while Triple H flees. Mankind out of the ring - baseball slide dropkick takes him over the commentary table. Jack on the ring with the chair - running off the apron into Mankind on the table! Bangbang! For the first time in quite a while, Jack's music plays - then stops - as he has the mic again.

"Triple H - at the Royal Rumble - you're gonna make me bleed? I've got some news for you - it will not be the first time, and it sure as hell will not be the last, because I've got an awful lot of blood to give! But as far as you - you look into my eyes and realise I mean every word when I tell you I'm gonna tear you apart in New York City! And then...I will take what you hold dearest - I'm talking about your cherished WWF championship belt - I will take it - and it will be MINE - MINE - ALL MINE! Bangbang!"

[BlazinmanCrunch5]

"Terry Funk does wrestle. I am the best in the World. Now, as simple as minded as you are, you might be able to understand the story I'm going to tell you. My daddy was a wonderful person. But, he understood life more so than the executives of the NWA. You see, when I was a young lad, I had a jackass. And I loved that jackass. But that jackass broke its leg. And when that jackass broke its leg, my father took that jackass and put a gun to that jackass's head and BLEW that jackass's brains out!

I said 'DADDY! Daddy, why did you do that to my jackass?! And my daddy said 'That jackass has no more place. It's useless. It is no more use to our operation. We can't shoot Ric Flair in the head and blow his brains out, but you, as members of the NWA can put him out to pasture. Now is the time to put Ric Flair out to pasture. Now I know, I believe the man wasn't injured. You say he was. Whatever the story might be or the truth might be, let's put him out to pasture and get to the top ten contenders. Now, Rick Steiner is no longer a member. Why can't I take his position because of his injuries? Who do I talk to? WHO IS THEY? WHO RUNS THE NWA? WHO MAKES THE TOP TEN LIST? IS YOU ROSS? IS IT YOU ROSS?! I will get down on my knees and I will beg to you Ross. I will beg to you to put me in that category. Because I am the best wrestler in the World today! Why can't you and you people out there realize that, please?!"

I love Terry Funk.

[Alexander The So-so]

And now, for a more comedic great promo:

*Vince and Shane McMahon enter a church*

Shane: "You sure this is a good idea?"

Vince: "Yeah, I'm sure this is a good idea! I've never been in a place like this before. And by the way, I like the windows. Nice colors."

Shane: "Yeah, they're nice."

Vince: "Now, I'm told that if I'm looking for Shawn Michaels's tag team partner, then I will find Him right here. *sees the podium at the front* Uh, I think maybe you're supposed to check us in or something."

Shane: "Sure." *writes in the book at the podium*

Vince: *takes out a credit card* "Um, you might use one of these."

Shane: "It's cash only."

Vince: "...Cash only? What kind of outfit are they running here!?"

*they go into the next room, where a holy water font is*

Vince: "Wow, not bad! I guess you wash your hands in-"

Shane: "What're you doing? You don't wash your hands in there! What's the matter with you!?"

Vince: "Well what do you do with it? Hey Shane-O! I've got an idea! Watch this. Who am I?" *takes a big gulp of holy water, and proceeds to imitate the Triple H water-spit pose with it* "I dunno how in the hell he does that." *sees Shane staring at him, looking appalled* "Pretty good, huh?"

*they then go towards the front of the chapel*

Vince: "Hey, Shane-O, check this out! They rolled out the red carpet for us!

*they arrive at the altar*

Vince: "God, are you there? God!? It's me, Mr. McMahon! You know, when you think about it, we have a lot in common. You created the world, I created World Wrestling Entertainment. You created Adam and Eve, and I created Stone Cold Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, and people like that. Let's face it: I mean, on the seventh day, you rested. Quite frankly, I don't believe in a day off, which means that I may actually have a stronger work ethic than you do!

Something else, God. You cast down the Devil to the depths of Hell! I cast down Ted Turner right out of business! You have your disciple, Shawn Michaels; I have mine, my son Shane! You have your commandments, I have mine!" *to Shane* "May I have the holy glasses, please?" *takes out a document while also getting the glasses* "Thank you very much. I hope you're still listening, God. My commandments:

I am THE BOSS! And there are no other bosses before me!

Thou shalt not tell me to 'move on!'

Thou shalt not take thy urine and douse it into my face!

Thou shalt not cross thine arms and yell 'Suck it!'

Thou shalt not take my disciple's face and shove it up into my rectal cavity!

Thou shalt not take a garbage can, and shove it down over my head, and fall from a 30-foot ladder and try to take me out!

Shawn Michaels broke ALL my commandments, and now will face the backlash! Shawn will face my wrath, and not even you, God, not even you can protect him! But in order to show a little compassion, my son Shane will now recite a prayer." *gestures toward the podium*

Shane: "Over here?"

Vince: "Over here." *they go to the podium* "Go ahead."

Shane: "'The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Except for Mr. McMahon, and his disciple! Mr. McMahon, whose tanned, well-toned body supercedes that of a normal 60-year-old! Whose mighty grapefruits produced the life-giving semen that spawned me...'" *stops abruptly* "Dad, this is getting weird."

Vince: "Alright, come with me." *they go back toward the altar* "Shawn Michaels, at Backlash, I will unleash the Apocalypse on you! And if I'm lying, may God striketh me down as I stand here before you!!!" *Shane quickly sidesteps away from Vince* "Well, it appears as though Shawn Michaels's tag team partner has forsaken him! So therefore, praise be the name of Backlash! BLESSED be the name of VINCENT...KENNEDY...McMAAAAAHON!!!!!"

[theslickness]

"Intense pain is a wonderful thing, Gene Okerlund. Your life flashes before your eyes, things that are the most important to you become crystal clear. You start to begin to learn the meaning of life. Last week when they stuffed me in that ambulance and I looked across and I saw Flair, Sting, Woman, Bagwell and myself, I realized that we were people brought together not by philosophy, but by necessity. And I started to think, new world order, new world order, where have I heard that?
And I remembered in the Good Book it says, 'When the new world order is put into place it signals the beginning of the end of time.' Well, WCW is our world, it's where we live and breathe. And if you want to destroy it, Hogan and The Outsiders, you've already made a mistake that jumps off the page. If you're gonna take a baseball bat to a Horseman, finish the job. Because there's one rule of gang fighting. See, we are the original gang and we're the most vicious in all of professional wrestling history. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send two of theirs to the morgue."

Arn Anderson: Nitro July 1996

[cesaro's no joe goddard]

Man, that is great^. It's like an excerpt from Man's Search For Meaning or something. Double A always brought this insightful intelligence to his promos that felt completely natural and was 100% on the money.

[Alexander The So-so]

Mean Gene: "Jake 'The Snake' Roberts, the match is at hand!"

Jake: "Well, well, the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase. Here we are at Wrestlemania, and it's the biggest match of your career. Why? Because everything you stand for is on the line. Namely the Million Dollar Belt.

Oh yeah, it can be yours once again. You see, all you have to do to get it back is go through Damien and me. But you see, Damien and I don't forget; we remember all the times you made people grovel for your money. These were people far less fortunate than you. People who could use your money for essentials. And what did you do? You made fun of them, you humbled them, and you humiliated them. Well now it's my turn! I'm going to make you beg, Dibiase! You are going to get down on your hands and knees. This time, you'll be the one that's humbled! This time, you'll be the one that's humiliated! And this time, you will be the one that grovels for the money.

And how appropriate that the money you grovel for is your very own, a victim of your own greed, wallowing in the muck of avarice."

Mean Gene: *exhales* "Longfellow couldn't have said it better."

[theslickness]

May 5, 2012 0:10:52 GMT -5 cesaro's no joe goddard said:

Man, that is great^. It's like an excerpt from Man's Search For Meaning or something. Double A always brought this insightful intelligence to his promos that felt completely natural and was 100% on the money.

Arn is easily my favorite promo guy ever. He didnt need to get all animated and scream, but when he did, you *knew* he was pissed and on a mission.

Hell, we could easily do a thread on just Arn Promos.

I couldnt find a transcript, but youtube "Arn anderson promo fall brawl 1995". It's about a minute and a half long, but it tells a fantastic story