*“The Comedian” Bobby Riggs come out to the boos from the crowd. Surprisingly, he’s by himself. The Comedian has on a leather coat, white button up shirt and blue jeans. He’s holding his rubber chicken with the lead pipe in it and a bottle of water. He calmly walks down the ramp to the ring, with a smile on his face and laughing the whole way as he enters the ring. Inside the ring, there are four tables with two chairs to each of them. Each table has glasses filled with clear liquids or brown liquids. There is a small platform in front of the tables and chairs. On the platform is a mic stand with a microphone and two stools. Hanging over the platform is a large, flatscreen TV. The Comedian places the water and chicken/pipe on one of the tables, sits on a stool, and takes the microphone from the mic stand with his left hand. *
Comedian: Welcome one and all once again to The Comedian’s Comedy Club. And, yes, I am alone tonight. The Abbott to my Costello, Sorrow, is off doing something. I don’t know what. He just asked for the night off, and I agreed out of the kindness of my heart. Now to tonight’s guess. So, just who will be joining me tonight? Well, the answer is in this envelope. *pulls out an envelope from his coat pocket* I hold in my hand...the envelope! This envelope is hermetically sealed. It's been kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk N Wagnall's porch since noon today. NO ONE knows the contents of this envelope, but I, in my borderline mystical way, will ascertain the contents without having to read what's inside!*The Comedian holds the envelope up to his forehead and pretends as if he's telepathically reading what's inside.*
Comedian: Peter Pan.*Riggs rips the envelope open, pulls out a piece of paper and pretends to read from it.*
Comedian: What do you use to fry a peter?*Dead silence*
Comedian: May a bag of Pop Rocks explode in your shorts.*More silence*
Comedian: Anyway, tonight’s guest is actually not here. In fact, my guest tonight hasn’t been around for some time. So, just where is he? He’s at home, WASHING HIS TIGHTS! *laughs* Luckily for us, we have the power of teleconferencing to bring him here. So… *pulls out a remote* please welcome on the very expensive COMEDY-TRON 5000… EWT’s fearless leader… SPAZ!!!!*The Comedian points the remote at the Comedy-Tron and turns it on. On the screen appears a photo of Spaz with the mouth cut out. Another person’s mouth is in its place.*
“Spaz”: G’day mate! How ya goin’?Comedian: Thank you for coming on The Comedian’s Comedy Club, Spaz. And, I’m going okay.“Spaz”: That’s good ta hear! Well, it’s a pleasure to be, even if I’m not there in person.Comedian: Speaking of which, why aren’t you here?“Spaz”: Well, I had a bit of run in with a dangerous animal.Comedian: Really? Well, do tell.“Spaz”: Ya see! I got bit by this vicious spider! The damn thing bit me on my dingo if ya know what I mean!Comedian: Oh! That’s terrible! You know I had heard of a rumor that an animal had attacked you. But, I had heard that it wasn’t a spider but rather a duck-billed platypus.“Spaz”: What? Naw, mate! It was most definitely, one hundred percent factually a spider. No platypus can get the drop on me.Comedian: Are you sure? Because I heard that is was a platypus. And, if that’s true, then just what were you doing with a platypus that would get you bit on your dingo.“Spaz”: Well, for one! It wasn’t a platypus! And, even if it was, that’s none of your business about what I was doin’ with it!Comedian: Okay, okay. I’ll drop it. Mainly because I want to get to the most pressing matter. And that is this—why aren’t you here leading EWT to victory over FAWA?“Spaz”: Well, ta be perfectly honest, mate—I’m just not that good of a leader. I don’t have the physical acumen or intelligence that you possess, Mr. Riggs.Comedian: Oh, stop it!“Spaz”: No, it’s true. There’s a reason why they call me, “Spaz.” That’s what I am. I just can’t compete with a superior athlete such as yourself.Comedian: Thank you.*Suddenly, Spaz’s theme music plays.*
*The crowd cheers as Spaz’s walks out with his head down collecting his thoughts and wearing his street clothes. Then, as his music ramps up, Spaz comes alive throwing his arms out as pyro erupts. He then moves quickly, but doesn't run, to the ring limbering himself up for battle. He then enters the ring & soaks in the ovation before he throws his arms out again. He looks right at The Comedian, looking like he wants to kill the man. Riggs has stood up, moving away from the stool he was sitting on.*
“Spaz”: *without the bad fake Australian accent* Um, should I…?Comedian: Shut up!*Riggs points the remote at the Comedy-Tron and turns it off.*
Comedian: Well, well, well. The prodigal son returns. So, where the hell have you been?Spaz: You want to know where I have been Bobby?*The Comedian opens his mouth to speak*
Spaz: Quiet! Listening to you is like being DDT'ed on broken glass!*The crowd cheers*
Spaz: Whilst it is true I have been quiet publically since we returned it doesn't mean I haven't been busy. I have been working my ass off behind the scenes.Comedian: I find that hard to believe, oh fearless leader!Spaz: Is that right Bobby? Well I was going to save this announcement for later tonight but seeing as you called me out I will let the proverbial cat out of the bag now. The FAWA Lord Of The Ring Tournament got me thinking. It is a tournament that over the years has produced so many memorable moments. And that got me thinking of my memorable EWT moments. The crazy ass matches we put on in that place. Then, Bobby, I had a lightbulb moment. So tonight I announce the reinstatement of the EWT World Heavyweight Championship!*The crowd goes wild as The Comedian looks on in shock.*
Spaz: This will be no run of the mill tournament. The best title matches in EWT were not just matches, they were spectacles! The were Cage matches, No Disqualification Matches, Submission matches, Street Fights, First Blood Matches & Falls Count anywhere matches. Every match in this tournament will be an ordeal. It will be a baptism of blood, sweat, tears, broken bones & shattered dreams. I don't know who will enter & who will win but I do know one thing. The final will be a match that is close to my heart, some say it was the best match of my career. It was the match that ended my reign as EWT World Heavyweight Champion.*The crowd cheers as they know what that means.*
Spaz: Yes the final will be a 2 out of 3 retrievals ladder match! That match nearly ended my career, it nearly ended Maelstrom's career! The memory of that match haunted me for months! Can you imagine Bobby!? Can you imagine how it will change the careers of the two men who make the final after surviving all the other matches!? The man who survives will truly be worthy to carry on the legacy of EWT. So I say to everyone listening backstage I open this up to any wrestler FAWA or EWT. If you want it just say so & you will have the chance to say you won the EWT World Heavyweight Championship after the most grueling tournament in FAWA or EWT history!*The crowd is chanting EWT so loudly the ring is shaking.*
Comedian: Okay… Okay… OKAY! So, you did something right for once in your life. Good for you! Now, if I understand you correctly, anyone can enter this?Spaz: Yeah! That’s what I just said.Comedian: Well, good! Because I'm in! I am entering the tournament! I will be the new EWT World Heavyweight Champion!*Spaz smiles as the crowd gets louder.*
Spaz: Congratulations Mr. Comedian, you are entrant number one.*Spaz turns & starts to climb out of the ring. But he stops for a second.*
Spaz: Oh Bobby, by the way, there is something I forgot to tell you. I'm in too! And I hope I draw you in the first round so I can beat your ass!*The crowd goes nuts at the idea of Spaz wrestling again. Comedian is furious & charges at Spaz. The two men trade punches & forearm shots until Bobby knocks Spaz down. Bobby turns to gloat to the crowd. Huge mistake as Spaz kips up behind him. Spaz then grabs Comedian in a Full Nelson hold & drops down into a Backstabber nailing his new finisher Salt In The Wounds for the first time. The crowd is going ballistic as Spaz leaves The Comedian in a screaming heap on the floor as Spaz stands on the turnbuckle making the belt motion around his waist.*
*We open on a gym. Valerie “Ivy” Valentine is working out on a weight machine, wearing black workout clothes that are covered in sweat. She is deep in her workout. So much so that she doesn’t notice that she has a visitor: The Comedian’s bodyguard/tag team partner Sorrow. He has snuck in, which wasn’t that hard for him. He wears all black all the time. He sneaks into the room, slowing slouching towards Ivy. Soon, he’s standing right behind her.*
Sorrow: Surprise
VV: GAH!! What the... of for the love of... What are you doing here?
Sorrow: You didn’t cry for me.
VV: What!?
Sorrow: You didn’t cry for me.
VV: And why, pray tell, should I "cry for you"?!
*Sorrow laughs and walks over in front of Ivy.*
Sorrow: You are quite beautiful. I can see why Mysth likes you.
*Ivy steps back, startled by Sorrow's behaviour*
VV: Okay, I don't like this at all. I thought your shtick was that you're depressed, not creepy.
Sorrow: I am depressed. Every day, I feel the overwhelming weight of the world crushing down on me, forcing me to hurt myself. It is utterly unbearable. And, it’s a lonely existence. I thought that maybe some company was in order.
VV: What, things aren't working out with Riggs? I thought they said opposites attract.
*We open on a bar. Rock music is playing loudly from a jukebox. There are quite a few people there, talking, playing pool, drinking, etc. “The Comedian” Bobby Riggs walks in, wearing a red collar shirt and khakis. He walks up to the bar, looking for the bartender. He sees a squat, balding man with a dirty white button up shirt, black suspender, black pants, and a dirty apron. He’s pouring drinks. The Comedian gets his attention.*
Comedian: Excuse me. Barkeep!
*The bartender walks over after finishing the drink he’s working on.*
Bartender: What will it be?
Comedian: Well, I guess I’ll have a Heineken.
*The bartender grabs a Heineken and hands it to Riggs.*
Jack Jupiter: *offscreen* HEINEKEN!? f*** THAT SHIT! PABST BLUE RIBBON!
*Riggs turns around to see the newly hugely muscular Jack Jupiter sitting at a table with his legs up. He has on a white collar shirt and blue jeans that cling to his body. He gets up and walks toward the Comedian.*
Comedian: Jupiter! You son of a bitch!
*They walk to each other and smack their hands together with a loud pop. They squeeze each other’s hands, sizing up each other’s strengths.*
Comedian: Well, somebody got big.
Jupiter: And, somebody should spend more time in the weight room.
Comedian: You’re telling me.
*The Comedian gives up. They let go and move to sit down at Jupiter’s table.*
Comedian: Thanks for meeting me. I’ve been waiting to talk to you ever since EWT has risen from the ashes. So, what have you been up to? *drinks his beer*
Jupiter: Oh, you know, just...GETTING BIG.
*Jack puts down his drink, rolls up his left sleeve and flexes the bicep.*
Comedian: Sure, but I mean besides that?
Jupiter: Well, let's see...was working at the family business with my cousin--he's really taking to it, you know--ummm...went on a trip to Europe--they've got GIANT NUTELLA THINGS--got into the health craze, came back, tried my own version, and picked up a few disciples along the way.
*Grinning, Jack whistles and several young women immediately gather around him.*
Jupiter: ...say hello...to Jupiter's Nymphs.
Comedian: Why, hello ladies. And just what are their names, if I may ask?
Jupiter: AHEM. In my trek across Europe--the Olympian world--I stumbled upon some wonderful specimens who could be made more wonderful by studying under the shooting branches of my wooded learning tree, from which they grasp most exquisitely! Anyway, Nymphs? Roll call, please.
*A statuesque, dark-skinned woman leans in with her eyes fixed on The Comedian.*
"I am Sara!"
Jupiter: An Ethiope worthy of any personal acclaim, if I do say so myself...NEXT.
*Another lady, slim and red-haired, leans in, with an almost frighteningly-stoic gaze.*
"I'm Gretchen!"
Jupiter: I found this striking lady on one of my treks through the Great North. NEXT.
*A fourth, much shorter than the other two, steps forward with a huge smile, sweating profusely and barely able to contain her excitement.*
"I'm Irene!!!!"
Jupiter: Don't let this Greek goddess' petite size fool you, my good man! She's worth at least two or three people by just raw energy alone...if you know what I mean...
Irene: I LOVE YOU JACK!!!!!
Jupiter: I LOVE ME TOO!!!!!
*Jack pushes her away slightly and leans in towards The Comedian.*
Jupiter: *in a hushed tone* But nobody loves me as much as me. And don't you forget it.
*Jack clears his throat and slams his hands on the table, standing up.*
Jupiter: ROLL CALL COMPLETE. NYMPHS, IF YOU WILL...
*The three immediately fawn around him, rubbing his covered abdominals and his sleeveless biceps.*
Jupiter: Now then, my Prince of Pratfalls, Liege of Lulz, what can I do for you?
Comedian: Well, there are two big questions I've been wanting to ask you since I found out you had joined the EWT Invasion. Here's the first--just where are Jason and Katerina? I mean, you're here. Where are they?
Jupiter: Oh, them? Wellllllll...Jason's running our family business back home, on indefinite hiatus from the ring. He said his body was "telling him to back off." Whatever that means. Why anyone's body would want to be without a back, I don't know. And uh...Kat? Tell you the truth, I have no idea. I've sent her dozens of calls, and I haven't heard from her!
Comedian: Really? *drinks his beer* Like, the past few months?
Jupiter: Nah, just this week.
Comedian: Well, that's a shame. I was looking forward to seeing her. Anyway, to my second question... I don't know if you've been following this whole deal with me and Mysth. Now, he seems to think that EWT and FAWA can be all friendly and have a nice tea party. Me... I know better. They are going to poison his tea, and he's gonna fall face first into his danish. So, I just have to ask you... Are going to be sitting down for tea?
Jupiter: Tea? Hell naw man, I only go for juice.
*Jack raises his arm; Sara heaves a milk jug full of a mysterious beige liquid on to the table, which Jack lifts up, unscrews the cap off from and begins drinking from directly. After a few gulps, he sets it down and wipes his mouth off with his forearm.*
Jupiter: What a douche! I hate douches. He's going to waste a perfectly good Danish. Couldn't he have the decency to ask the REAL Jack Jupiter if he wants one before he goes and buries his big nose in all that icing, filling it with his snotty French snot just so nobody can eat it?! I mean, I'll be perfectly honest, good Danishes are hard to come by. How many bakeries have you gone in where a guy pulled a Danish straight out of the oven, oozing with warm chewy goodness? Oh no, it's all that prepackaged junk. Screw that, man. Screw that. Why is it that when the REAL Jack Jupiter goes in, and they don't bake him a fresh one, when they got like four hundred different loaves of sourdough DANGLING FROM THE CEILINGS?!?! Dude, I'm telling you straight up, the baking industry is going downhill, and this is just the FIRST sign.
Irene: Exactly! Baking is bad! You are SOOOOO right, Jack!
Jupiter: Thank you, Irene. But you know who's even MORE bad?
*The three nymphs crowd around Jack and raise their arms up*
Irene, Sara, Gretchen: The REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL Jack JUPITER!
*They all back off, as Jack closes his eyes with a satisfied grin.*
Jupiter: I know, I know! Now as far as this decline in the baking industry, there's actually an author I know who wrote a book on this, P.B. Kajejembe, a man from the Republic of--
Comedian: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm sorry to cut you off, but I think I have to point out that the tea and danish are metaphors. I'm not actually asking if you're gonna have tea and a danish with Mysth. I was wondering if you were on his side.
Jupiter: That baboon? No way. I mean, I don't HATE him, but a guy who cavorts with the enemy is like a guy who doesn't wash his hands when he uses the bathroom. That vile stench fills the room and I know better than to hang near that.
Comedian: *laughs* That's just what I wanted to hear. I'm glad to see that you're on my side. *drinks his beer*
Jupiter: Yeah, I got your back. I GOT YOU BRO. So what could an Olympian of my prodigeosity do for you?
Comedian: Well, I got this plan. It's not elaborate, but I'm sure it will work. Basically, I would just like it you were to stir the shit so to speak. You know, just interfere in matches, beat up FAWA guys, basically create chaos. You do that, and everything will go like Caddyshack.
Jupiter: You want me to run someone over with a Chrysler that's the size of a whale?
Sara: No...you're thinking Love Shack.
Jupiter: So...hit them with an ocean liner? Look, Comedian, I may be rich, but I'm not made of diamonds, bro. That ain't gonna happen. That is WAY out of my league.
Sara: No...that was Love BOAT.
Jupiter: Can you make up your mind and decide on what it's called?!?!?
Comedian: No! Caddyshack! The movie. Let me explain. Now, what do all the great comedies have in common?
Jack: Um...well I thought Holy Grail was pretty funny, and I loved Pulp Fiction, same with The Room. Wait, I know. I GOT IT...
*Rubbing his palms together, Jack smiles; his Nymphs follow suit with due anticipation*
Jupiter: DEATH! You need me to KILL Mysth! ...well I don't think it's ethical, but I do have this great idea I was going to use on a personal enemy once that involved axel grease, sandpaper, glue, a match and dynamite...but it's a little complicated!
Comedian: What!? No! What is wrong with you? I meant an agent of chaos. All the great comedies start off establishing this perfectly ordered world. And then, this agent of chaos is introduced, who brings mayhem to the ordered world. And, by the end of the movie, chaos has reigned; and the agent has control. That's what happens in Caddyshack. You had this nice country club that got turned upside down when Rodney Dangerfield came in. Ted Knight did everything to get rid of him, but he lost thanks to Bill Murray and that gopher. And, Dangerfield was on top at the end, getting everyone to dance to Journey while talking about getting everyone laid. And, that's what I want us to be.
Jupiter: You want us to get laid? Dude, if you want it THAT bad, allow one of these... *he points backward to his three Nymphs* ...to remedy that dilemma for you! But um, anyway, between this conversation on film and teh shmecks I think you might be losing priority here: we HAVE TO STOP MYSTH however we can, and maybe, just maybe, wrecking the little deal he has going on might be the way to do it...
*Scratching his chin contemplatively, Jack looks to his ladies for approval*
Sara: Splendid idea!
Gretchen: Genius!
Irene: I WISH I WAS AS SMART AS YOU JACK!!!!!
Comedian: Well, that is a tempting offer... Wait a minute! Deal? What deal?
Jupiter: I don't know about you, man, but don't you find it just a little suspicious that he's trying to get all buddy-buddy with these FAWA guys? What if they're not poisoning his tea at all...what if they're going to use him to poison us?!?
Comedian: Son of a bitch! Jack, you ARE a genius! This makes some much sense. I mean, how else could he have gotten Michael Rose and Kerri Thompson into FAWA. He has to be in cahoots with them. And, it might not just be him. Others could be working with them, like Spaz or Maelstrom. Who knows who's turned traitor? We need to investigate this further. Can you help me put together a list of possible traitors? It may involve some subterfuge, but I think you're up for the job.
Jupiter: You got it bro! I'm gonna be on all of them so fast, so stealthy, I won't even be able to SEE MYSELF. BOOM!
Comedian: Fantastic. *drinks his beer* There's something else I need from you. Now, you're familiar with Michael Rose, right?
Jupiter: Of course, how could I not be! You still uh...hate him, right?
Comedian: Hate? Hate!? HATE!!!!? Hate doesn't begin to describe the loathing I feel for that man. I absolutely despise him. I have utter contempt for every single fiber of his being. I dislike even the stray eyelashes that fall from his face. If one was to fall on me, I would burn it and piss on the ashes. I have honestly looked up the scientific accuracy of time travel so that I could go back in time to prevent Michael's parents from ever meeting and thus preventing him from ever being born. I don't want to kill him--I want him to have never even existed. Saying that "I hate Michael Rose" is an understatement akin to saying "The universe is big." And, appropriately enough, the size of the universe accurately describes the amount of hate I have for Michael Rose—infinite.
Jupiter: ...and you got infinite ideas on how you want him gone?
Comedian: I do, but I'd like to handle that myself. I just want you to watch him, size him up, get some info on him, all that jazz. Do you think you can do that?
Jupiter: Do I THINK?!?! I can do ANYTHING. Right, Nymphs?
Sara, Gretchen and Irene: Of course!
Jupiter: See? Anything. But tell me, what does the REAL Jack Jupiter get in return? If I'm buttering your toast, are you going to oil my door hinges? You feel me?
Comedian: Well, what do you want? Do you need some help with an enemy? You need a partner for a tag team match? You need help winning a title? You just let me know what you want, and I'll reciprocate.
*Extending a hand, Jack smiles and nods*
Jupiter: Then I THINK we might have a deal on our hands...
Comedian: Fantastic!
*He shakes Jupiter's hand.*
Comedian: So... Um... One last thing... Um... Well... Has Katerina said anything about me over the years?
Jupiter: Well, she didn't hate you, if that's what your thinking, so don't worry. But now that I think of it...whenever we talked about the old days, she did seem to enjoy working with you, back in that manager search thingy you were doing. Oh OH! Also, she'd ask why on earth you always hoarded all the eggrolls from catering. I mean, what does a man do with twenty eggrolls every night?
*Folding his hands under his chin for a moment, Jack ponders this question for a few moments.*
Jupiter: But anyway, why don't you ask her yourself? Here, I'll forward you her digits! Normally I don't think she'd like that, but it's the season of giving; what could go wrong?
*Jack pulls out his phone and begins typing feverishly.*
Comedian: Um… thanks. *drinks his beer* Also, the eggrolls were for my dog. Anyway, thanks for seeing me. Now, you just hold up your end of our deal. Okay?
Jupiter: You got it. As soon as I'm out of here, I'll be on it like...George Wendt on a...clam...well, you just know that the REAL Jack Jupiter will get the job done!
Comedian: Good. And, remember, be discreet. If anyone finds you out, then it's probably gonna come back on me. Not that I care, but I'd rather not have the hassle as well.
Jupiter: Like you want! Discretion is my SPECIALTY!
*Jack slams his hands on the table quite loudly; several other patrons look over at him silently.*
Comedian: Um... yeah. So, if there isn't anything else you need, I guess we're done here.
Jupiter: Yeah man, it was great catching up, but... *he takes another swig out of the jug of strange liquid* ...it's that time of the hour for another workout! Come on Nymphs, we have much to do...
*With the ladies in tow, Jack makes leaves the table, and the room. A blonde waitress in a black shirt and blue jeans walks over to the Comedian’s table.*
Waitress: Can I get you another beer?
Comedian: Sure.
*As the waitress takes Riggs’s empty bottle, he notices a small stage with a mic stand and stool on it.*
Comedian: Is that an open mic?
Waitress: Yeah. Sometimes we have karaoke. Sometimes we have a band. But, tonight we’re doing open-mic stand up comedy show.
Comedian: Really? Can anyone sign up for it?
Waitress: Well, the sign-up is over, but we did have a cancellation.
Comedian: Really? So, would your boss mind if I filled up?
Waitress: I could go ask him. I’m sure he’ll say yes though.
Comedian: Terrific. Just terrific.
Waitress: I’ll go ask him and come back with your Heineken.
Comedian: Make it a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Waitress: Okay. And, good luck with the open-mic.
Comedian: Oh, don’t worry about me. I always kill.
*The waitress walks away. An evil smile washes over The Comedian’s face.*
Comedian: *evil chuckle* Oh, wait till they get a load of me.
*We open on Jan Hamala walking backstage. He has on his wrestling and looks ready to pick a fight. Suddenly, Michael Rose walks up to him. He has on a nice shirt with a rose on it, blue jeans, and black shoes. Rose looks like he wants to talk and stops Hamala.*
Rose: Hey man! I need to talk with you.
*Hamala reluctantly stops.*
Rose: What gives!? I come out to help you with Riggs, and you attack me!? What was that all about?
Hamala: I don’t need any help.
Rose: *scoffs* Well, you could have fooled me.
*Hamala walks away.*
Rose: Hey! I’m not done talking to you! *runs after Hamala* Get back here man! *grabs Hamala’s arm* Talk to me dammit!
*Suddenly, Hamala turns around pops Rose in the face with a hard punch. Rose falls back, stunned by what has happened. Hamala walks away again.*
Rose: You son of a bitch!
*Rose gets up and charges at Hamala. He hits him from behind with a high knee. Hamala falls to his knees but gets up. Soon, both men are punching and kicking one another. Soon, referees are rushing over to break the two up. They keep fighting as we go to commercial break.*