Book Raw like no one gives a shit

[EvenBaldobombHasAJob]

Dec 27, 2013 3:18:54 GMT -5 FHgrad99 said:

Instead of calling the match, Michael Cole goes to the concession stand and he returns to rave about his nachos.

"Vintage Salsa Con Queso!"

-Jerry Lawler's commentary is literally the sound of him snoring through the whole show. Cole has to nudge him awake for the main event and he wakes up screaming "...Stacy, come back!"
-Kofi Kingston and Alberto Del Rio wrestle for 30 minutes. the commentary team doesn't even bother with mics because the crowd is dead silent.
-CM Punk cuts a promo where he lazily goes down a checklist of his typical "smart-mark" complaints, checking them off as he says them. this is still the only thing that gets a pop all night besides...
-Daniel Bryan, whose entire appearance is him walking on stage in his plaid onesie with footies, gamely raising his arms and the crowd chanting "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
-Cena doesn't even bother to show up. instead we get a poorly done video package that was put together in about 5 minutes using footage that's oddly mostly stolen from botchamania.
-Orton cuts a promo where he repeatedly stumbles over his words and squints at the teleprompter. they don't even bother re-recording it. his subsequent match is just him RKOing Ziggler, who doesn't even bother to sell it more than the bare minimum.
-Kane accidentally wears the wrong costume, so for one night only he's a short-haired version of the Big Red Machine.
-Goldust wrestles one on one with Heath Slater. he doesn't wear his makeup and wrestles in some mod-robes and a t-shirt he bought at the Comedy Central roast of Patton Oswalt. Heath doesn't do any of his usual schtick and the rest of 3MB is nowhere to be seen. Cody has a moustache again but it's just because he couldn't be bothered to shave.
-Roman Reigns doesn't much feel like "believin in da Shield" tonight and Rollins and Ambrose are wearing Patton Oswalt t-shirts as well, but oddly NOT ones that were bought at the comedy central roast.
-Batista returns, but his trademark "machine gun" pose is done lazily, with only one arm. rather than his usual badass suits, he's wearing khakis, sandals and the ugliest Hawaiian shirt ever seen. his faux-hawk hasn't been gelled, and it's droopy.
-Miz comes out for a match against the returning Sheamus, but before Sheamus can even enter Miz takes a mic, says "f*** it we all know how this is ending" and lays down in the ring. Sheamus (whose very tanned, having not bothered with his weekly skin-bleaching) walks in and just pins him using his foot.
-Fandango makes his entrance, but Summer Rae is nowhere to be seen. instead of his usual dance, he does the funky chicken. his opponent, Zack Ryder hasn't spiked his hair and his sunglasses are nowhere to be seen. due to inattentiveness, he grabbed the wrong pants so for one night only he wrestles in his half pants/half trunks.
-Rey Mysterio wrestles a match against Jack Swagger. Rey doesn't even bother to hide his limp and Swagger literally has to carry him through the whole match. Zeb hasn't waxed his moustache and cuts a promo where he just says "Mexicans smell bad and terk mah jerb!" and Antonio deoesn't even take off his sports jacket. the match ends when Rey stumbles onto a prone Swagger and Charles Robinson gives the slowest 3 count ever, visibly nodding off the whole time.
-the main event is Big Show against Ryback. it's a minus five stars match that ends when due to CARELESSNESS Ryback knocks Big Show out cold with the Meathook. Big Show manages to wobble to his feet before delivering the lamest noggin-punch in history.

[Deleted]

The main event is a 12 minute game of lawn darts played between Bruno Sammartino and Lou Ferrigno. While the game of lawn darts is being played, Ricardo Rodriguez is at the announce booth giving a tutorial on how to get an old Nintendo to work by blowing on cartridges and banging on the sides of the console. This entire tutorial is given in Spanish. Or Esperanto. Who can say, really? During the majority of the lawn darts game, the camera cuts to a girl at ringside who is sort of cute, I guess. She is holding a sign that has a picture of Triple H with Darius Rucker's face photoshopped onto the head.

[Deleted]

This is easy

- Tonight's WWE RAW opens up with CM Punk making his way out. Michael Cole welcomes us to RAW from Oklahoma City. He's joined by JBL and Jerry Lawler.

We see footage from last week where The Shield attacked Punk. Punk says he's been trying to figure out why The Shield attacked him all week. Punk says he just realized he's in denial, he knows why they attacked him but he wants to be wrong this one time. Punk brings up his words about Triple H from last week. Punk hopes he's wrong. He says surely Triple H isn't dense enough to kick a hornet's nest. Punk says if he's right, Triple H and The Authority are ignorant, stupid dumbasses. Stephanie McMahon's music hits and out she comes.

Stephanie says The Authority would not have The Shield attack him all because he called Triple H a bad name. Stephanie says it's beneath them. She says they have grown and matured but clearly Punk hasn't. Stephanie says they were just upset as Punk was when The Shield attacked him last week. Stephanie says they have bigger things to worry about tonight, like the TLC contract signing. Stephanie says if Punk has any more grievances, ask the Director of Operations and out comes Kane. Kane comes out and talks about his job description. Kane says The Authority had nothing to do with the attack. He says the issue is resolved. Kane asks if Punk has any questions. Punk asks when he became The Big Red Ass Kisser. They continue to have words and Punk threatens to put Kane to sleep. Kane walks to the ring but Stephanie stops him. The Shield's music hits and here they come through the crowd.

Punk grabs a steel chair and waits for The Shield as they surround the ring. Stephanie interrupts them and tells everyone to stop. She won't have a repeat of last week. She says Punk is to be respected and admired. Kane says respected, admired and challenged. Kane announces Punk vs. The Shield in a Handicap Match at the TLC pay-per-view.

- Still to come, the John Cena and Randy Orton contract signing.

- The announcers say The Authority now guarantees one man will emerge from TLC as the undisputed champion. Fans can go on the WWE App and vote for what the new champion should be called - Unified Champion, Undisputed WWE Champion or Undisputed World Champion.

- Still to come, Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler in a #1 contenders match for the Intercontinental Title. Back to commercial.

#1 Contenders Match: Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler

Back from the break and Damien Sandow is cutting a promo while Big E Langston is on commentary. Ziggler is out next and takes control early on. Ziggler with dropkicks and pin attempts. Sandow blocks a sleeper and slides to the floor to regroup. Ziggler kicks him to the floor. Ziggler follows but Sandow drops him over the steel steps. Sandow brings it back in the ring for a 2 count.

Sandow takes control and drops the Elbow of Disdain for a 2 count. Lots more back and forth and pin attempts. Sandow ends up getting the win with You're Welcome and the title shot at TLC.

Winner and New #1 Contender: Damien Sandow

- After the match, Sandow and Langston have a staredown.

- More hype for Cena and Orton. Back to commercial.

AJ Lee, Tamina Snuka and Summer Rae vs. Natalya and The Bella Twins

Back from the break and WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee makes her way out with Tamina Snuka while the other Divas wait in the ring. We see footage from the Survivor Series rematch on last week's RAW.

Nikki Bella and Tamina start things off and have words. Nikki slaps her. Tamina shoves her but Nikki ducks a clothesline. Tamina goes for a Samoan Drop but Nikki rolls her up for a 2 count. Brie Bella comes in and they go at it. Summer ends up coming in and covering Brie for 2. Summer works Brie over in the corner. Summer keeps control until Natalya tags in and unloads, knocking Tamina off the apron also. Natalya runs into the ring post and Summer looks for a tag but her partners are gone. AJ skips around the ring and finally tags in. AJ comes in but has her kick blocked. Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter but Tamina breaks it up. The Bellas take out Tamina. AJ goes to grab Natalya but Natalya rolls her up for the win.

Winners: Natalya and The Bella Twins

- After the match, AJ skips around and almost forgets her Divas Title before heading to the back.

- Still to come, Daniel Bryan vs. Erick Rowan. Back to commercial.

- We come back and Wade Barrett is at ringside with a podium. He's introduced as Bad News Barrett. He has good news and bad news. Good news is we're live on RAW. Bad news is we're stuck in an arena full of overweight hillbillies who had to name their city after their state just so they can remember it. The #BadNewsBarrett stamp flashes on the screen and Barrett thanks us.

- Randy Orton is backstage with Brad Maddox. Orton is glad Maddox is back. As RAW General Manager, Orton needs Maddox to go to The Authority and demand they recognize him as the greatest Superstar ever and the face of WWE.

Daniel Bryan vs. Erick Rowan

We go to the ring and out comes Daniel Bryan to a big pop. Cole plugs Steve Austin's podcast and the Bryan interview that will air tomorrow. We go to commercial.

Back from the break and The Wyatt Family entrance starts but doesn't go through like normal. The lights come on and Erick Rowan and Luke Harper are in the ring with Bryan. We see footage from last week. The match starts and there's no sign of Bray Wyatt yet. Bryan dodges Rowan but he finally gets his hands on him and beats him down. Bryan runs the ropes and staggers Rowan with a forearm and some kicks. Bryan jumps on his back with a sleeper hold now. Rowan overpowers Bryan and slams him on the mat. Rowan runs into a boot in the corner. Bryan with more kicks now.

Rowan keeps control and slams Bryan as Harper looks on. Bryan with more kicks. Rowan avoids a Yes Lock attempt and they go back to the corner. Rowan drops Bryan again and drops a knee on him. Rowan tosses Bryan out of the ring. Rowan follows but Bryan runs back in before he can get there. Bryan jumps out with a suicide dive but Rowan catches him in mid-air and tosses Bryan into the barrier. We go to commercial.

Back from the break and Rowan is in control of Bryan. Bryan tries to make a comeback but Rowan sends him out to the floor. Rowan follows and sends Bryan into the steel steps. They come back in the ring and Bryan makes a comeback. Bryan with a dropkick in the corner. Bryan goes for another but Rowan drops him with an elbow. Rowan with more offense on Bryan. Rowan keeps control and hits a big fallaway slam as the match runs longer than usual RAW matches it seems. Rowan with a big backbreaker. Rowan misses a splash. Bryan knocks Harper off the apron. Bryan runs the ropes and nails a suicide dive on Rowan. They come back in the ring and Bryan goes up top, nailing a missile dropkick. Bryan with kicks to the chest now. Rowan blocks the last kick and goes for a powerbomb but Bryan slides out. Bryan goes back to the top but Rowan hits a big boot. Rowan presses Bryan high up in the air but Bryan slides out and rolls Rowan up for the win.

Winner: Daniel Bryan

- After the match, the lights go out and Bray Wyatt appears on the big screen. He tells Rowan and Harper to stand down. He tells Bryan they're not going to hurt him unless he tells them to. Bray says he has done a lot of horrible things to a lot of good people and he's man enough to admit when he's in the wrong. Bray says he was wrong about Bryan, he viewed him as a creature chasing an uphill war he can't win. Bray asks Bryan how long he's willing to live this life. Bray says he understands Bryan but they look at him like he's some circus clown here for their amusement. Bray says he sees the monster in Bryan and they can't love Bryan like he can. Bray proposes they tear the walls down in this place together. Bray tells Bryan to open his eyes. We go to commercial.

- Back from the break and Daniel Bryan is backstage looking around. He runs into Kane. Kane congratulates him on the victory. Kane says it's only right Bryan face the same challenge at TLC that CM Punk does. Kane announces Bryan vs. The Wyatt Family in a handicap match for TLC.

Xavier Woods and R-Truth vs. Brodus Clay and Tensai

We go to the ring and out comes Xavier Woods and R-Truth. We see footage from SmackDown where the two teams got into it. Brodus Clay and Tensai are out next with Cameron and Naomi.

Clay and Woods start things off. Clay takes Woods' shots and shoves him back. Woods dropkicks Clay but Clay overpowers again and slams him. Clay taunts Woods and asks him if he wants to dance before slamming him some more. Tensai tags in and keeps control of Woods. Woods fights back and tags in Truth. Truth goes to work on Tensai and backs him into the corner. Truth with right hands in the corner. Truth does a split and staggers Tensai but Tensai comes right back with a huge shoulder tackle. Tensai catapults Truth under the middle rope. Clay tags back in and they double team Truth.

Truth blocks a big splash and fights back, taking Clay down with a kick to the jaw. Woods tags in and unloads on Clay. Clay runs into boots in the corner. Xavier with the Honor Roll for a 2 count. Woods knocks Tensai off the apron but Clay runs him over. Clay with a big overhead suplex on Woods. Clay with a splash in the corner. Clay goes to the second rope but Woods rolls out of the way of a splash. Woods rolls Clay up for the win.

Winners: Xavier Woods and R-Truth

- After the match, Clay goes to attack Woods but Truth pulls him to safety. Tensai tries to calm Clay down but they have words and look like they're going to fight.

- More hype for Cena and Orton on the WWE App. Still to come, Cody Rhodes, Goldust and Big Show vs. The Shield. Back to commercial.

Sin Cara vs. Alberto Del Rio

Back from the break and out comes Sin Cara. Alberto Del Rio is out next. Del Rio cuts a promo on the way to the ring and calls Cara a piece of trash from Mexico who represents the rest of the peasants who try to cross the border. Del Rio says he's going to beat Cara down and then call immigration to take him back to Mexico.

Lots of back and forth to start. Cara ends up hitting a moonsault from the apron to the floor. Cara brings Del Rio back in the ring but Del Rio kicks him in the head, sending him back to the floor. They come back in the ring and Del Rio keeps control. Del Rio gets aggressive and slams Cara's face into the mat a few times. Del Rio goes for the cross armbreaker but Cara counters. They go to the corner. Cara goes up top but Del Rio misses an enziguri. Cara with a rolling senton from the top for the win.

Winner: Sin Cara

- We get a look back at Randy Orton punt kicking John Cena's father in 2007. Still to come, they will sign their contract for TLC. Back to commercial.

- Renee Young is backstage with John Cena talking about TLC. Cena talks about both titles and makes references to Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan. Cena says there is only one WWE and he's ready for a change. He says fans deserve one champion and to be that champion, it would mean everything to him.

- We go to The Shield, laughing about CM Punk. They talk about how Punk couldn't handle them one-on-one and hype the handicap match at TLC.

Cody Rhodes, Goldust and Big Show vs. The Shield

We go to the ring and out first comes WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes and Goldust. Big Show is out next as we go to commercial.

Back from the break and The Shield is making their way through the crowd. Big Show dominates The Shield early on. Goldust and Cody both tag in and keep control. Rollins and Cody go at it now. Cody with a big hip toss and a long vertical suplex. Cody with a 2 count. Goldust comes back in and unloads on Rollins for another pin attempt. Cody tags back in and they keep Rollins in their corner. Cody with a big back drop on Rollins for another 2 count.

Rollins turns it around on Cody and tags in Ambrose. Cody takes out all three members of The Shield and hits a moonsault on Ambrose for a 2 count. Ambrose slides out of Cross Rhodes and rams Cody's arm into the ring post. Ambrose works on Cody's arm now. Ambrose with a 2 count. We go to commercial.

Back from the break and The Shield is in control of Cody. They keep him down in their corner with quick tags. Reigns blocks a Disaster Kick with a big clothesline. Cody drops Ambrose over the top rope and springboards in with a dropkick on Rollins and Ambrose. Reigns misses a big elbow drop and Cody tags in Big Show. Show runs over Reigns and hits a big back drop. Show with a back splash in the corner until Ambrose pulls the rope down and Show falls out to the floor. Show comes back in and Reigns goes to work on him.

Rollins comes in and keeps the attack on Big Show. Rollins with a 2 count before tagging in Ambrose. Another tag to Reigns as they keep Show in their corner. Reigns with a flying clothesline for a 2 count. Ambrose comes back in for more of the same. Reigns comes back in and Show counters with a huge slam. Goldust tags in and unloads on Rollins. Goldust with a big shot out of the corner and a spinebuster for 2. Ambrose interferes but Cody comes in. Cody gets sent flying into the announcers table. Ambrose and Rollins go to double team Goldust but Show pulls Ambrose to the floor. Rollins and Goldust both go down. Reigns floors Show with a big spear on the floor, saving Ambrose from a chokeslam. Cody takes out Reigns on the floor. Goldust climbs to the top but Ambrose meets him. Goldust nails a big superplex. Rollins, the legal man, immediately grabs Goldust and rolls him up for the win.

Winners: The Shield

- Up next, CM Punk will address The Shield. We see footage from Orton vs. Cena at Breaking Point 2009 before going back to commercial.

- Renee Young is backstage with CM Punk talking about his match against The Shield at TLC. Punk says he's like a kid at Christmas. Punk is overjoyed and excited for the match. Punk starts singing about how he feels pretty and witty and gay. No, he was just kidding. Punk says that's not his reaction. Punk says he's going down, he knows he's going down. The question is, how many of The Shield is he taking with him.

- We go to ringside for another segment with Bad News Barrett. He has more bad news - Americans celebrated Thanksgiving on Thursday and as a result, we stink and are constipated. Barrett thanks us and the #BadNewsBarrett stamp flashes on the screen again.

- We see Kofi Kingston and The Miz backstage shaking hands before heading out for a tag match. More hype for the WWE App before going to commercial.

Kofi Kingston and The Miz vs. Ryback and Curtis Axel

We go to the ring and out comes Kofi Kingston followed by his partner The Miz. Ryback and Curtis Axel are waiting in the ring.

Axel and Miz start things off with Axel taking control. Miz turns it around and tags in Kofi for some double teaming and a 2 count. Miz tags in and comes off the top. Miz works over Axel and goes for a Figure Four but he slides out. Axel runs over from behind with a clothesline. Axel takes Miz to the corner and beats him down before tagging in Ryback for some double teaming. Ryback slams Miz and the Goldberg chants start. Ryback with a splash on Miz for a 2 count.

Ryback with a long vertical suplex before dropping him and going for a pin attempt. Ryback takes Miz to the corner and tags Axel back in. Axel with more of the same. Ryback comes back in with a bearhug. Miz finally gets out and tags in Kofi. Kofi unloads until Ryback rams him into the corner. Miz gets dropped off the apron. Kofi with a crossbody for a 2 count. Kofi mounts Ryback in the corner and knocks Axel off the apron. Ryback takes advantage and drops Kofi. Ryback hits Shellshocked for the win.

Winners: Ryback and Curtis Axel

- After the match, Axel and Ryback leave while Miz helps Kofi to his feet. Miz smacks Kofi in the face and leaves the ring.

- We go to Los Matadores and El Torito backstage with a WWE Shop segment. Torito tries to take all the merchandise and they have to calm him down.

- We see footage from last week of Randy Orton attacking John Cena. Still to come, the big TLC contract signing.

Mark Henry vs. Fandango

Back from the break and Fandango is dancing in the ring with Summer Rae. Mark Henry is out next. Henry controls most of the match early on and dances at Summer. Henry misses a splash in the corner and Fandango beats him down to one knee. Fandango drops Henry with a boot to the head and keeps control. Fandango with a big DDT for a 2 count.

Fandango comes off the top but Henry catches him in mid-air. Fandango forces him to fall for a 2 count. More back and forth. Henry ends up getting the win with a World's Strongest Slam.

Winner: Mark Henry

- After the match, Henry dances a little and invites Summer to come in the ring but she won't.

- We get a look back at SmackDown where Titus O'Neil won the eating contest and then puked everywhere.

Darren Young and Titus O'Neil vs. Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro

We go to the ring and Titus O'Neil is in with Darren Young. Zeb Colter is out next with Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro. Zeb talks about Titus puking on SmackDown.

Swagger starts out with Titus. The Real Americans keep control and Cesaro tosses Titus to the floor. Swagger runs over Titus on the floor with a big clothesline. Swagger brings it back in the ring for a 2 count. Titus fights off Cesaro and Swagger but Swagger rams him into the corner. Cesaro with a cheap shot. Swagger nails a Swagger Bomb and Cesaro nails the chest stomp for a 2 count as Young breaks the pin.

Cesaro with a big gutwrench on Titus. Swagger tags back in for more double teaming and a 2 count. Cesaro comes back in with a suplex on Titus for a 2 count. Titus finally tosses Cesaro but Cesaro goes for the Cesaro Swing. Everyone begs Cesaro not to make Titus sick again but the fans cheer for it. Cesaro hits the Swing on Titus. Zeb gets on the apron and stops Cesaro so Titus doesn't puke again. Titus starts getting sick it looks like. Young tags in and unloads on Cesaro. Young decks Swagger and clotheslines Cesaro for a close 2 count. Young runs into a huge uppercut from Cesaro for the win.

Winners: Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro

- After the match, Titus joins Young in the ring and still looks like he's about to get sick but doesn't.

- More hype for Cena, Orton and the WWE App. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon are walking backstage. Back to commercial.

- Tables, ladders and chairs are set up everywhere as Triple H and Stephanie McMahon make their way out for the contract signing. They talk about the match at TLC and guarantee one champion after it's over. WWE Champion Randy Orton is out first. World Heavyweight Champion John Cena is brought out next.

Triple H and Stephanie talk about Orton first, mentioning several big names when talking about the WWE Title. Triple H says all the greats have held that title. Fans pop when Triple H talks about Cena and the World Heavyweight Title. Triple H talks about more big names who have held that title. Triple H says this match is something they've been contemplating for a long time but before they could commit, they had to know that both champions going into the match could carry everything as the face of WWE. Triple H says they have reached that time. He says they have a moment to cement their legacy forever. Orton signs first and Cena signs it next. Stephanie gives them both a chance to speak. Orton says he's better than all those champions named, including Triple H. Orton says that's why Triple H chose him. Orton says he and Triple H have something in common with the fans - they don't like Cena. Orton says he's going to beat Cena at TLC and leave with both titles.

Cena interrupts and introduces himself but Orton cuts him off. Orton talks about their history and what he's going to do at TLC. Orton says Cena was put on earth so he can lose this match. Cena cuts him off and runs Orton down. Cena says Orton has never lived up to his potential. Cena praises Orton's work but says he got cocky, a bad attitude and lazy. Cena says he never asked to be the face of anything, he's just the first to show up and the last to leave. Cena says Orton was given his belt but Cena earned his. Cena says if Orton gets anything at TLC, he will earn it. Cena gives Orton two options - leave or make a move. Cena says if Orton makes one move towards him, we will all be reminded of what a TLC match really is. Orton readies to fight as Cena keeps threatening him. Cena drops his mic. Orton turns the table but Cena ducks it. They start brawling and go out to the floor. Cena runs over Orton with a ladder. Cena unloads in front of the announcers table. Orton fights back and sends Cena face first into the ring post. Orton takes apart the announcers table but Cena decks him with a ladder again. Cena grabs a steel chair and hits Orton in the gut and over the back. Cena with another chair shot to the gut. Cena decks Orton with the microphone now. Cena slams Orton's face into the steel steps and brings him back in the ring. Orton sends a ladder flying into Cena's face. Orton grabs a chair and cracks Cena over the back with it twice. Orton with chair shots to the chest now. Orton sets up a table but Cena fights back. Cena sends Orton flying through a table that was leaned up in the corner. Cena grabs Orton and puts him through a table with an Attitude Adjustment. Cena grabs both titles and holds them high above Orton as his music plays. We see Triple H and Stephanie looking on from the stage. RAW goes off the air at 11:15 with Cena doing the "you can't see me" gesture over Orton.

[BatPunk]

* Raw theme music play w/ pyro and stops silent.
* JTG walks out to the ring. He has no theme music. He starts talking about how long he's been with the company and is really happy just to have a job. This lasts for 20 minutes.
* Ultimate Warriors music interrupts JTG and the crowd pops HUGE! But Warrior doesn't come out. JTG looks confused, thanks the crowd and walks back dressing room.
* After the break Renee Young is ringside and interviews Michael Cole about the significance of 'Vintage'. JBL sits next to him and nods agreeing. The King is taking a nap.
* The Shield come through the audience. Renee Young runs away. The Shield don't enter the ring and walk up the ramp to the back.
* Triple H makes his way to the ring in his suit. No music. He stands in the middle of the ring. The crowd chant "HHH". He lets it go for as long as he can. The crowd start to boo him when he doesn't talk. Trips laughs and goes to the back.
* Prime Time Players are shown backstage having a snack.
* The Wyatt family ARE HERE! hey come to the ring with their theme music. Bray sits in his rocking chair that's in the ring and rocks back and forth for 10 minutes. KANE's pyro goes off and he makes his way to the ring. The Wyatt's look like they're going to attack, but back away once KANE steps over the ropes. Kane now sits in the rocking chair and rocks back and forth for 10 minutes.
* John Cena is shown walking through the halls. The crowd erupts. Cena then steps into his car and drives away. The crowd is confused.
* Cult of Personality plays. Punk comes out to a massive pop. He's dressed for action. He comes down to the time keepers chair and sits down. He reads comics for the rest of the night.
* The Total Divas come out for a singing contest to close the show.

No actual wrestling happened.
Daniel Bryan was given the night off.

[FHgrad99]

Michael Cole sounds like he's bored and speaks in a monotone voice for the entire show. JBL decides to refer to everybody who appears as an "asswipe." Jerry Lawler sits silently at the announce table and draws cartoons.

[Some Guy]

Dec 27, 2013 12:07:10 GMT -5 @rackzyder said:

This is easy

Psh, that was at worst a slightly below average Raw. That's nowhere close to the "who gives a shit" mentality of Raw 998, which is my submission for this.

Tonight's WWE RAW Supershow opens up with a look back at the recent happenings between AJ Lee, Daniel Bryan and WWE Champion CM Punk.

- We're live from the Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado as Michael Cole welcomes us. He's joined by Jerry Lawler. We go to the ring and out comes AJ Lee to kick things off.

AJ talks about Sunday's Money in the Bank pay-per-view and brings out WWE Champion CM Punk. Punk comes out to a big pop. AJ says Punk showed his true feelings for her on SmackDown when he said she is mentally unstable and needs professional help. She says she doesn't and is in control of all her mental faculties at all time. The crowd chants that AJ is crazy. She says nobody has ever cared about her. AJ says when she kissed Punk, she knew it, she knew what she had to do. She says his eyes send love straight to her heart. AJ says Punk turns her on.

AJ says she now knows what she has to do. She drops to one knee and asks Punk to marry her. Before Punk react, Daniel Bryan runs to the ring and chants NO! Bryan looks concerned. He tells AJ to please listen to him because she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life. Bryan says Punk doesn't love AJ. He's just playing her because she is the special referee for Money in the Bank. Bryan says he never stopped having feelings for AJ. Bryan says Punk only cares about one person - himself. Punk says Bryan knows nothing about him, especially how he really feels about AJ. Punk tells Bryan to shut his mouth.

Bryan dares Punk to go ahead and say "I do" if he cares for AJ so much. Bryan says he sees AJ as a special person while Punk just sees her as a special referee. Bryan drops to one knee and asks AJ to marry him. Punk isn't buying it. He asks Bryan where the ring is. Punk wants to go to the back and have a talk with AJ. Bryan tells Punk not to talk down to his future fiancee. The e-mail alert goes off and we've got the return of the Anonymous RAW General Manager. Michael Cole stands up and reveals the podium. The GM is back and says he's running RAW tonight. The GM thinks Punk and AJ make a great couple. He books Punk and AJ vs. Eve Torres and Daniel Bryan for tonight. Bryan isn't happy about this. The GM wishes everyone good luck. AJ says everything is really confusing. AJ says everyone needs some time to think. She's happy about the match tonight because she believes that everything happens for a reason. AJ feels that she's going to walk out of the arena with her future husband. AJ leaves the ring and skips off to the back.

- Still to come tonight, Big Show and Chris Jericho vs. John Cena and Kane. We go to commercial.

Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger

Back from the break and out comes the World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus. Jack Swagger waits in the ring. The bell rings and Swagger slams Sheamus. Sheamus catches Swagger in White Noise early. Sheamus connects with a Brogue Kick and gets the easy win.

Winner: Sheamus

- After the match, Alberto Del Rio appears on the big screen. He's backstage with one of his cars. He declares that he will take the World Heavyweight Title this Sunday. Del Rio gets in the car and drives off. Sheamus takes out his anger on Swagger by delivering another Brogue Kick.

- Zack Ryder is backstage with Santino Marella talking about his role as SmackDown General Manager. Santino says he heard the Anonymous General Manager is somewhere in the building and he's going to find him. Back to commercial.

Tensai and Dolph Ziggler vs. Tyson Kidd and Christian

Back from the break an the match is already going on. Ziggler and Tensai double team Kidd in the corner but he makes a comeback. We've got Vickie Guerrero on commentary. Christian comes in and unloads on Ziggler. Christian with the elbow from the second rope on Ziggler. He goes for Killswitch but it's blocked. Tensai tags in as Christian dumps Ziggler to the floor. Tensai knocks Kidd off the apron but misses a splash in the corner. Christian with a big dropkick on Tensai. Sakamoto distracts the referee and Tensai takes back control on Christian. Tensai with a big back splash for another quick win.

Winners: Tensai and Dolph Ziggler

- After the match, Tensai goes after Kidd on the floor and beats him up some more. Tensai powerbombs Kidd into the side of the apron and he hits his back hard. Tensai hits a big splash on the floor now as Vickie looks on approvingly.

- Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler start arguing at ringside. It ends with Lawler standing up and backing Cole off. The e-mail alert goes off and Cole goes back to the Anonymous GM's podium. Cole gets upset and refuses to read what has been sent. Lawler steps up and the GM makes Lawler vs. Cole for tonight. The GM chimes in again and wants to let the fans decide if the match takes place. The fans pop but are told to go to WWE.com to vote. Back to commercial.

Brodus Clay vs. Drew McIntyre

Back from the break and out comes Brodus Clay with Cameron and Naomi. Drew McIntyre is already waiting. The bell rings and Drew strikes first. Clay pushes him in the corner and fires away. Clay misses a splash but dumps Drew to the apron. Drew leaps off the top rope but Clay hits a headbutt in mid-air. Clay with a splash for another quick win tonight.

Winner: Brodus Clay

- Santino is backstage looking for the General Manager when he finds Chris Jericho and accuses him of being the GM. They do some comedy and Santino walks off. Big Show walks in. Jericho talks about how JeriShow was one of the best tag teams of all-time.

- John Cena will speak next. Back to commercial.


John Cena and Kane vs. Big Show and Chris Jericho

Back from the break and out comes John Cena to the ring. Cena talks about how he is excited for Money in the Bank on Sunday. Cena declares that he will win the match and the briefcase. Kane's music hits and out he comes. Chris Jericho is out next followed by his partner Big Show.

Cena and Jericho start off with some back and forth. Cena with an early pin attempt. Show comes in as does Kane. They face off and lock up. They go at it and Show drops Kane with a clothesline in the corner. Show gets the upperhand on Kane again and sends him back down. Show taunts Cena now. Jericho comes in but Kane drops him with a right hand. Cena gets another tag and unloads on Jericho. We take another commercial break.

Back from the break and Show is in control of Cena, working him over in the corner. Cena moves and tries for a slam but Show falls on top of him. Cena kicks out but Show applies a big bearhug next. Cena turns it around and backdrops Show. Kane tags in and kicks Show in the head. Kane with right hands in the corner. Kane splashes Show and nails a big DDT. 2 count for Kane. Kane climbs up to the top but Show moves out of the way. Show spears Kane and covers Kane for a close 2 count. Jericho tags in and continues the attack on Kane.

Back from the break and Kane goes at it with Jericho. Kane connects with a big sideslam. Cena tags in and unloads on Jericho. Cena ends up hitting the Attitude Adjustment but Show pulls him out of the ring for the DQ.

Winners by DQ: Kane and John Cena

- After the bell, Show tosses Cena into the fan barrier and then runs over Kane with a clothesline. Show brings a ladder in the ring and runs over Kane and Jericho with it. Show puts Jericho in between a ladder and stands on it. Cena comes in for the save. He attacks Show with a ladder and knocks him out of the ring.

- We get a look back at the segment with AJ, Bryan and Punk from earlier tonight. The Lawler vs. Cole poll is still up. Back to commercial.

- CM Punk is backstage warming up when Eve Torres appears. She wishes him good luck with AJ. Eve says AJ is spiteful and if she doesn't hear the words "I do" tonight, she will cost him the title on Sunday. Eve says it must be hard being overshadowed by guys like The Rock, John Cena, Triple H and Brock Lesnar but being overshadowed by AJ must be emasculating. Eve wishes him good luck again and walks off.

- Santino is backstage and he's found the Anonymous GM's cell phone. The Great Khali appears and takes it. They attempt some comedy and Santino leaves the phone with Khali.

Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater

We go to the ring and out comes Sin Cara. This match is for the final spot in the World Heavyweight Title Money in the Bank Ladder Match. We go to commercial.

Back from the break and Heath Slater s in the ring. Slater blocks a flying attack and knocks Cara to the mat. We get some back and forth action but Slater keeps control and gets a 2 count. Cara comes back and hits a big crossbody and then the face plant. Cara covers for the win and the final MITB spot.

Winner: Sin Cara

- After the match, Slater takes the mic and says this isn't fair. He says to send him any former champion in the back and he will beat them. He doesn't care who it is, he guarantees a win. Bob Backlund's music hits and out comes the two-time WWE Champion.

Backlund gets a "you still got it" chant from the crowd. Backlund goes to shake Slater's hand but Slater attacks him and beats him down. Backlund ducks a shot and applies the crossface chicken wing. Slater taps out but there is no referee. Backlund finally breaks the hold and celebrates with the fans.

- Michael Cole interrupts and is ready to find out about his match with Jerry Lawler. We see the poll results from WWE's website and the match is on. Cole gets mad and goes off on the fans, calling them a bunch of hypocrites. We go to commercial.

Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole

Back from the break and Cole stalls to start the match. Lawler grabs Cole and spins him around before dropping him for the quick win.

Winner: Jerry Lawler

- The e-mail alert goes off and Josh Matthews steps up to the podium. It's announced that because of Booker T's interference, Michael Cole is now the winner. Santino Marella's music hits and out he comes. Santino believes the GM is under the ring. The e-mail alert goes off and he says no, he is not under the ring. The GM chimes in again and tells Santino to leave the ring because he is not under there. Santino goes to the floor and something trips him, pulling him under. Hornswoggle is pulled out but the e-mail alerts go off several times in a row. Lawler asks Hornswoggle if he's the one and he shakes his head yes. Lawler threatens to spank him. Hornswoggle kicks Lawler in the shin and bites Santino on the rear before running off.

Eve Torres and Daniel Bryan vs. AJ Lee and CM Punk

Back from the break and out comes Eve Torres followed by her partner Daniel Bryan. AJ Lee is out next followed by the WWE Champion CM Punk.

The match starts with Punk and Bryan brawling. Bryan ends up with kicks on Punk in the corner. Punk connects with a dropkick and AJ tags herself in. Eve comes in and kicks AJ down. AJ ducks a clothesline but tackles Eve and unloads with right hands. Eve takes her to the corner and they trade more shots. Eve goes on but lands on AJ's knees. AJ with forearm shots now. AJ with a kick to the face and a 2 count. Eve crawls for a tag and kicks AJ off. Bryan drops from the mat and won't tag in. AJ comes from behind and rolls Eve up for the win.

Winners: CM Punk and AJ Lee

- After the match, Bryan takes the mic and wants to go get married with AJ right now. Punk takes the mic and says he will lay it all on the line right now. He doesn't care if what he says costs him the match on Sunday. Punk says he is not going to marry AJ. AJ smacks Punk and then smacks Bryan as he tries to get her to leave with him. AJ and the crowd starts chanting YES. She leaves the ring skipping and chanting with the crowd. RAW goes off the air with AJ celebrating on the ramp.

[Ecks Ecks Ringout Ecks Ecks]

Well, everyone's gym bags would be safe, and --

Oh, gives. Sorry, disregard.

[Been burned too many times]

Dec 27, 2013 3:25:20 GMT -5 The Sam said:

An entire 3 hour show dedicated to WWE's hottest new superstar;

2.9

[HMARK Center]

Dec 27, 2013 12:12:06 GMT -5 BatPunk said:

* The Wyatt family ARE HERE! hey come to the ring with their theme music. Bray sits in his rocking chair that's in the ring and rocks back and forth for 10 minutes. KANE's pyro goes off and he makes his way to the ring. The Wyatt's look like they're going to attack, but back away once KANE steps over the ropes. Kane now sits in the rocking chair and rocks back and forth for 10 minutes.
* John Cena is shown walking through the halls. The crowd erupts. Cena then steps into his car and drives away. The crowd is confused.

Pardon me, but when did this thread become the "Book the Greatest 23 or so Minutes of Raw in its Broadcast History"?

[CATCH_US IS the Conversation]

Alex Riley has a 30 minute match!!!!!




Against Alberto Del Rio..... .





And he's wearing a headset the entire time, calling his own spots.

[Ron Woodsman aka Shempaholic]

Cole: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Monday Night Raw! We're live from, hell I don't even know where we are. It's some rinky-dink shithole so I probably wouldn't be allowed to say it anyway. We've got a below-average show planned for you tonight. The main event will be Alberto Del Rio vs. Zack Ryder. I shit you not. All the big stars didn't bother to show up tonight. Even Jinder Mahal had someplace better to be. You got anything to say Lawler?"

-cut to Jerry Lawler, who is watching pornography on his iPhone-

Lawler: "Screw you Cole, can't you see I'm busy."

Cole: "JBL was here earlier but I think he left or something. Let's go to the ring."

[Tony Schiavontay]

Dec 27, 2013 11:35:16 GMT -5 FHgrad99 said:

The referee in the divas match is drunk off his ass and proceeds to try to feel up Aksana before passing out.

This leads to them resurrecting one of the worst angles of the last couple years when Teddy Long runs out to avenge his mistress's honour. This leads to a 30 minute comedy match at Wrestlemania.

[KAMALARAMBO: BOOMSHAKALAKA!!!]

WWE Monday Night RAW Results
Austin, Texas
December 23, 2013
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, JBL & Michael Cole
Report by: David Stephens of Wrestleview.com

RAW opens with a vignette in which Mark Henry portrays "Good Santa" and Damien Sandow is "Bad Santa". They tell the story of the RAW Before Christmas.

The Authority makes their way down to the ring. Triple H, Stephanie & Kane are all wearing Santa hats. An elf helps Kane pass out candy canes on the way to the ring. Stephanie and Triple H point out that they encourage their talent to serve in soup kitchens and volunteer during this season. They announce several matches for the night's card and wish Yuletide cheer for their audience. The main event will feature The Shield v. CM Punk, Big E. Langston & John Cena. Triple H looks to leave but the WWE World Heavyweight Champions' music hits. Randy Orton enters the ring and says that his Christmas gift to the WWE Universe is the fact that he is the Champion. Orton also thanks The Authority for giving him the night off. Group hug time. Kane finishes with a holiday wish – "Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight". Kane sets the pyro off around the ring.

12 Diva Jingle Ball Match: Team Total Divas v. Team Tamina

AJ Lee is on commentary for the match. Tamina starts the match off against Nikki but gets caught with a hurricarana. Kaitlyn gets the tag as does Eva. The constant tags occur continuously. The match quickly turns into a showcase of each Diva hitting a move before tagging out. Inevitably everyone hits the ring. Team Total Divas all link arms one by one and do a hootenanny around the ring. As each Diva joins the chain they take out one of the opposing Divas with a clothesline. The crowd begins to boo. It looks painfully staged and horrible. Natalya is eventually left in the ring with Aksana and wins with a Sharpshooter.

Winners: Team Total Divas

Curtis Axel v. Sin Cara

Cara appears in a box screen before the match and wishes the crowd a Merry Christmas. He speaks! Sin Cara is of course now being played by Hunico and not the former Mistico of Mexico fame. A hurricarana sends Axel out of the ring. Cara tries to follow up with a leap from the apron but Axel pulls at his feet. Back inside the ring Axel works the back of his foe with a stretch. Axel hits a high dropkick and goes for a cover. Cara kicks out. Cara knocks Axel out of the ring and follows after with a Summersault Plancha. Axel is rolled back into the ring. Cara hits a crossbody. Axel is sent towards the ropes by a tilt-a-whirl that disorients him. Cara cartwheels into an elbow. Axel smashes him in the mouth and goes for a cover but can't stop the momentum. Cara hits a back body drop and follows with a Swanton for the win.

Winner: Sin Cara

Promo airs for the return of Batista on January 20th

Vignette airs with Bad News Barrett working a Salvation Army stand.

Daniel Bryan & The Rhodes Brothers v. The Wyatt Family

Cody starts the match against Rowan and targets his leg. Goldust gets the tag but is pushed into the corner. He fights his way forward and gets the tag to Bryan. Rowan is kicked mercilessly until he is able to push Bryan away. Body gets the tag and keeps Rowan isolated in the corner to tag in his brother. Rowan pushes Goldust across the ring to tag in Harper. He rakes the eyes of Goldust and then delivers a few uppercuts. Goldust is able to bring in Cody. Cody hits a dropkick before bringing in Bryan. Harper punches off a kick. Bryan dodges a kick in the corner which sets Harper up in a tree of woe. Bryan charges from across the ring for a delayed missile dropkick. Harper falls towards his corner. Bryan wants Bray as the show heads to commercial.

Back from the break and it is Rowan in the ring with Cody. Harper gets the tag and hits Cody with a hard elbow. Cody is dragged down to the mat and then swirled around with a gator roll. Cody begins bleeding from the bridge of his nose. Cody makes it to his feet only to be hit with a headbutt. Luke responds with a clothesline. Goldust gets a hot tag and pushes Harper into the corner for a ten count punch. Goldust blocks a splash and hits a hurricarana. Harper responds with a boot to the face. Bray enters to face the fallen Goldust. He drops several elbows before punching Goldust repeatedly. Bray collides for a splash and then goes into crab mode for a moment. It's like beast mode but more venereal.

Harper gets the tag and ensures that Goldust cannot make a tag. Goldust dodges an elbow. Harper charges over to knock Bryan and Cody off the apron. Rowan gets the tag. Harper is quickly brought back in but gets caught with a modified Code Red. Goldust makes it to Daniel Bryan. Rowan also comes in off a tag. Bryan is fired up as he charges for two consecutive dropkicks. Bryan dodges a clothesline and kicks out the leg of his opponent. Bryan heads up top and delivers a headbutt. Bray charges in to make the save. Bryan follows him out of the ring but only ends up being demolished by Rowan. The Rhodes Brothers stare down The Wyatts as the show goes to commercial.

Back from the break and Bray takes control of Bryan. Rowan gets the tag and slams Bryan in the middle of the ring. He stares towards the opposing corner before attacking Bryan's back. All breaks loose in as Harper and Cody are the legal men. Bryan and Bray start to brawl. Bryan flies from the top rope with a crossbody and falls out of the ring with Bray. Goldust runs off the apron for a Tommy Dreamer flip. Back inside the ring Cody hits a Disaster Kick on Harper. Bray tags himself in and hits Sister Abigail for the win.

Winners: The Wyatt Family

After the match the Wyatt Family drags Bryan into the middle of the ring and go to work on the Superstar of the Year. Bray tells him to follow the buzzards. The lights go out and when they come back on Bray is in his rocking chair and his minions stand guard. Bryan looks on from the ring.

Bad News Barrett is still on the street still collecting money.

In the ring Renee Young hosts a singing contest. It's R-Truth & Xavier performing Oh Holy Night v. Drew McIntyre & Jinder Mahal performing Jingle Bells v. Santino & The Great Khali performing Deck the Halls. Santino & Khali win by an audience vote. The members of 3MB try to go on the attack after the contest but the other teams send them out of the ring and then proceed to sing We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

Christmas Present on a Pole Match: Dolph Ziggler v. Fandango w/Summer Rae

They brawl around the ring at the start. Fandango is the first to make a pole attempt but is pulled back into the ring. Fandango makes another attempt but Ziggler grabs him and counters a hurricarana. Ziggler hits a Fame-Asser and heads to the corner. Fandango kicks Ziggler and knocks him from the turnbuckle to the outside of the ring. The momentum also knocks Fandango out. Summer helps him back up the corner. Ziggler follows after and punches Fandango down. Fandango responds with a vicious kick. Ziggler is draped over the corner. Fandango stands over him and reaches for the dangling present. Ziggler springs up and knocks Fandango crotch first onto the top rope. Fandango tries to stop Ziggler. He pushes him head first into the pole. Ziggler crashes head first into the steel steps as he falls out of the ring.

Winner: Fandango

As a result of the win Fandango has earned a Title shot for Big E. Langston's Intercontinental Championship next week on RAW.

Titus O'Neill is in the ring with Darren Young. Young wants to speak but incorrectly identifies the town as Houston. Titus takes the mic away. He says that they want two things for Christmas. They want the Tag Team Championships and people to join them in dancing #millionsofdollars.

The Primetime Players v. The Usos

Titus tosses his opponent across the ring and then tags in Young. Titus lifts up Young to drop him onto Uso. Young connects with an elbow. Uso makes a tag. Young is splatted by a splash. The crowd chants – "This is Austin". Uso makes a tag and comes in to work the arm of Young. He pulls Young's arm behind his head and then tags in his brother. They deliver a double elbow. Cover, but Young kicks out. Young is in the corner and gets hit with a hard butt splash. Titus charges in to make the save. Young gets caught with a Superkick. The other Uso makes the tag and is wearing a Rudolph nose as he flies off the top rope for a match ending splash. At no point in the match did the commentators identify which Uso is which. I apologize but I can't tell them apart when they have their shirts on especially without commentary assistance.

Winners: The Usos

After the match The Usos dance with The Primetime Players

Mark Henry unveils a gift in the ring and it's a toilet. Sandow's head is pushed down into the bowl. Sandow exits the ring and finds a fire extinguisher under a gift. He tries to use it but does not pull out the pin. Henry laughs, pushes him away, and then blows the extinguisher all over Sandow. Sandow walks up the entrance ramp and grabs a giant candy cane. He uses it to hit Henry. Sandow then goes to work on the Christmas set. Henry and Sandow make their way down to the ring. Sandow again attempts to use the fire extinguisher but again fails. Mark Henry hits the World's Strongest Slam for the win. Christmas is saved!

Winner: Good Santa

After the match Henry unwraps another gift and plays with some jingle bells. Henry finds some cupcakes and takes a bite before smashing them over the face of Sandow.

CM Punk is in the back with Renee Young. He reveals that he has asked for help – something that he never does. He brings in his tag team partners for tonight. Langston and Cena approach and cut a promo for their match with Punk against The Shield tonight.

The Real Americans w/ Zeb Colter v. Los Matadores w/ El Torito

Cesaro starts the match against Diego. He connects with a hurricarana followed by a head trap. Cesaro whips him into the corner but is blocked on a splash attempt. Cesaro catches him and starts a swing. Diego slides out of the ring. Cesaro heads out after him but Los Matadores pulls their version of twin magic. Back in the ring a roll up is attempted but Swagger makes the save. Fernando fights him off. Fernando sets up with a headscissor that lets him roll up Swagger for the win.

Winners: Los Matadores

Kofi Kingston v. Ryback

Ryback almost gets into a scuffle with the referee at the start as he if furious with an attack Kofi made to his skull. Kofi kicks him off the apron. Kofi flies out after to splash Ryback. They get back into the ring only for Ryback to clothesline Kofi back out of the ring. Ryback grabs Kofi for a Bearhug. Kofi is able to fight free and attempts to get the momentum back in his favor. Kofi hits a Boom Drop. Ryback dodges a Trouble in Paradise but ends up getting hit with a see saw kick. Ryback responds with a Shellshock for the win.

Winner: Ryback

The Shield v. CM Punk, Big E. Langston & John Cena

Cena starts the match against Rollins. He knocks him down to the mat and quickly looks for a 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Rollins avoids the move by rolling out of the ring. Rollins gets back inside and tags in Roman. Reigns and Cena stare each other down as RAW heads to commercial.

Back from the break and Cena is being beaten down in the corner by Rollins. Ambrose gets the tag only to be caught with several punches to the gut. Ambrose catches Cena in a Sleeper hold. Cena is forced down to the mat in the middle of the ring. Punk gets the tag and sends Ambrose out of the ring. Once back inside Punk connects with a swinging neckbreaker. Punk hits a big boot in the corner. He tries to head up the turnbuckle but Rollins heads over for a distraction. Ambrose knocks Punk off the apron to the outside. Ambrose follows after and hits a Suplex outside of the ring. Ambrose rolls Punk back in and goes for a cover. Punk kicks out. The Shield works to keep Punk from making a tag. Rollins comes in and mounts Punk for a series of punches. Punk is whipped into the corner hard. Rollins keeps him cut off from the saving corner with kicks. Punk reverses a whip which knocks the wind from Rollins. Ambrose gets the tag and comes in to cut Punk off from making a tag. Ambrose pushes him back so that Reigns can tag himself into the match. Punk tries to fight back but is caught in a Bearhug. Reigns converts it into a belly to belly suplex. Punk kicks out of the cover. Reigns is astonished and tags in Rollins. Seth applies a leg scissors. Punk lifts him up for a back body drop and heads to the corner. Ambrose gets the tag and manages to keep him cut off and knocks Cena off the apron in the process. Ambrose lifts Punk up only to get kicked in the skull. Reigns gets the tag and again keeps Punk from making a tag.

Langston is finally able to reach the arm of Punk and comes in to clear house. Langston slams Rollins down onto Ambrose and then hits a splash on both of them. Rollins tags in Ambrose. He tries a cover but Cena makes the save. Rollins flies off the top rope but Cena catches him and lifts him up for an AA only to be speared. Everyone pours into the ring. Langston and Ambrose are the two men left. Langston hits the Big Ending on Ambrose. Reigns and Rollins come in to make the save so the referee calls for the bell. After the match Cena and Punk help clear the ring.

Winners: John Cena, CM Punk & Big E. Langston

By David Stephens of Wrestleview

[Deleted]

Plane Ride From Hell: the Musical.

[dreamer75]

Dec 27, 2013 15:10:08 GMT -5 @akeem said:

Plane Ride From Hell: the Musical.

That would be fun cobble up the best parts of the story and make songs about them, like the "Nature Boy Goes Naturale", "I Miss You Marlene", "Hayes's Haze" (pick any Hayes moment)

[thegatewaydrug]

Why not give Scott Steiner a live mic? He would never say anything bad, would he?

Then who wouldn't love a Big Show vs. Kane ironman match? (Spoiler: Each turns face or heel three times during the match, but each ends up where he started.)

[Bo Rida]

20 minute Authority promo about nothing, Kane stands in background
Recap of above
Stick all the divas in a tag match, except AJ who does commentary
Kofi vs Ziggler
Barrett has some bad news

Khali, Santino and Hornswaggle vs 3MB
App tutorial, recap of opening promo
Vickie and Maddox have a chat, Kane stands in background
A midcard champion loses a "title free" match
20 minute Punk promo that should have lasted five minutes, two minute Bray Wyatt promo

Daniel Bryan and The Usos vs The Shield
Miz TV - Miz says "really" a lot to annoy Zeb, this somehow leads to Titus vs Cesaro
Titus vs Cesaro
Del Rio vs Sheamus - Sheamus has come back too early so Del Rio is extra aggressive
Recap of above, Sheamus is loaded into an ambulance, Kane stands in background
Lower card wrestlers have two minute match and then dance

Orton beats...let's say Cody via cheating
Cena makes jokes for 10 minutes, then says his next match is the biggest ever and if he loses he'll cry

Entertainment

[Apricots And A Pear Tree]

I don't think they need help.

[Amazing Kitsune]

Dec 27, 2013 8:18:57 GMT -5 shaker said:

WWE Celebrates the Rock Again For Some Reason!

First half hour is video package talking about how good the Rock is. It slowly becomes more evident that they're just taking footage from other DVDs and dubbing in The Rock over it.

"I remember heading down to Memphis back in the 1970s, you cannot believe how great THE ROCK was, I mean they don't call him the King of Memphis for nothing."

"When THE ROCK fell off that Hell in a Cell cage, I remember going to him and saying 'I love you, THE ROCK, but please never do that again'".

"Ring of Honor really let me get my foot in the door in WWE, and I have to thank THE ROCK and THE ROCK for that."

Then 3MB (dressed as the 3 eras of the Rock - Rocky Maivia, The People's Champion, and Modern Rock) perform a skit about how cool The Rock is.

First match starts at 9:00 pm; Tamina Snuka (who is related to the Rock) beats AJ Lee for the Title in a 30 second squash.

Then a flashback to the Rock's misogynist, homophobic return to the WWE in 2012.

Second match hits at 9:30 pm; 20 man battle royale with the winner getting to face the Rock later that night in the main event. John Cena wins.

A replay of "This is your life, Rock". Followed by a replay of the Rock vs Mankind from the Superbowl Halftime Heat.

Main event starts at 10:15 pm since Rock gets a big entrance. Cena's already in the ring coming out of commercial, gets no music. Rock beats Cena and gets his win back by 10:35.

Last half hour is the Rock singing songs. Raw ends with Vince coming out and hugging the Rock.

I think this would make Rock the most over heel in the history of ever.

[Sam Punk]

At random points of the show we see top stars get jumped by a group of masked men. Cena. Punk. Orton. At the end of the show the men are revealed as the returning Mean Street Posse. In their promo they announce their plans to take over the company.