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Post by Confused Mark Wahlberg on Jul 31, 2014 21:56:22 GMT -5
"I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same"
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Post by HisRoyalGreeness on Jul 31, 2014 22:05:43 GMT -5
"I have a leather vest. If I didn't have arms it'd be a coat."
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Post by Main Eventer on Jul 31, 2014 22:06:33 GMT -5
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
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Post by The Tank on Jul 31, 2014 22:07:10 GMT -5
I was at a casino standing by the door, and a security guard comes up to me and says "Sir, you're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit."
As though I'm not gonna run if there's a fire!
If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
...unless you're a table.
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Post by EvenBaldobombHasAJob on Jul 31, 2014 22:10:41 GMT -5
Rice is great for when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something
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The Unconquered Sun
King Koopa
He has no pants! What a heathen!
Lord of Storms and Kittens!
Posts: 11,548
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Post by The Unconquered Sun on Jul 31, 2014 22:45:28 GMT -5
That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!"
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nm
Hank Scorpio
Posts: 6,063
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Post by nm on Jul 31, 2014 22:48:19 GMT -5
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
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Crappler El 0 M
Dalek
Never Forgets an Octagon
I'm a good R-Truth.
Posts: 58,479
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Post by Crappler El 0 M on Jul 31, 2014 23:00:52 GMT -5
He said, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you gotta gimme time to guess. You wanna quiz me you must put a pause in there.'
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Post by Hit Girl on Jul 31, 2014 23:10:46 GMT -5
On a traffic light, red means stop, yellow means wait, and green means go.
With a banana, yellow means go, green means wait, and red means something is wrong with that banana!
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Post by Danimal on Jul 31, 2014 23:26:29 GMT -5
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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Post by crashmatsbazz on Aug 1, 2014 2:57:08 GMT -5
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
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Post by Confused Mark Wahlberg on Aug 1, 2014 6:44:10 GMT -5
"I went to the Home Depot yesterday, which was unnecessary; I need to go to the Apartment Depot. It's just a bunch of guys standing around going, "Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit."
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H-Virus
Hank Scorpio
A Real Contagious Experience
Posts: 5,959
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Post by H-Virus on Aug 1, 2014 7:01:44 GMT -5
I was in a death metal band; people either loved us or hated us, or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have really morbid names like 'Mortuary' or 'Obituary', but we weren't that intense so we just called ourselves 'Injured'.
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Post by fuzzywarble, squat cobbler on Aug 1, 2014 8:49:05 GMT -5
Saved by the buoyancy of citrus
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 9:59:51 GMT -5
Whenever a situation arises that requires rolling with the proverbial punches, my immediate response is "f*** it, cut 'em up!"
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Post by Confused Mark Wahlberg on Aug 1, 2014 10:49:07 GMT -5
I saw a fight advertised on HBO as a 'fight to the finish'. That's a good place to end.
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Post by Pervy Stone Cold on Aug 1, 2014 11:27:05 GMT -5
This shirt is dry-clean only. ... which means it's DIRTY
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Post by Angus Mcloud on Aug 1, 2014 16:32:56 GMT -5
I used to do drugs. I still do but I used to too
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The Unconquered Sun
King Koopa
He has no pants! What a heathen!
Lord of Storms and Kittens!
Posts: 11,548
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Post by The Unconquered Sun on Aug 1, 2014 17:41:56 GMT -5
I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
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Post by DASH 243✅ on Aug 1, 2014 19:13:22 GMT -5
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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