Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,351
|
Post by Dr. T is an alien on Oct 27, 2014 23:23:30 GMT -5
Quick update: I was going to pay for the first week of the hotel, but I needed confirmation from him that he still wanted to do it (he had told his mother via text yesterday that he did). I texted him and told him that I would not waste my money on the place until he was ready to move in and that if he wanted me to get the place for him he had to respond. He didn't, and now I think his phone is dead (it goes straight to voicemail now, though this morning it rang proper before kicking you to voicemail).
Oh well. Maybe I'll find a better way to spend that $150 this week if he does not get back to me.
|
|
Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,351
|
Post by Dr. T is an alien on Oct 31, 2014 1:36:56 GMT -5
Newer update: He contacted my wife this evening, texting her to ask if she could buy him a cheeseburger. Now, she had given him $60 on Sunday for food, but that was gone. Since I saw some snow flurries this evening, knew it was supposed to get colder, and had suspected that he was back to living in the woods again, we put him up in a Motel 6 for a couple of days, after which time a more long term solution will need to be worked out. This is complicated by the fact that my wife has convinced herself that it was a bad idea to put him up in the drug infested place, but we cannot afford to put him up in a nicer place and she has agreed that he is not allowed to move back in with us. There are another couple of options out there (such as short term sub-leasing and a nicer, low-income apartment complex), but the shithole place might still be the default choice for now.
On the plus side, he apparently at least did some job hunting this past week and had an interview or two.
|
|
|
Post by "Gizzark" Mike Wronglevenay on Oct 31, 2014 8:58:26 GMT -5
I cannot fault a single thing you are doing or have done. I am always keeping an eye out for updates in these threads to make sure you're okay.
|
|
Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,351
|
Post by Dr. T is an alien on Oct 31, 2014 17:10:19 GMT -5
We looked at a place today. Not great, but serviceable enough. There will be a deposit, however (which had initially been one deal-breaker for us), as well as a mandatory lease (the other deal-breaker). Fortunately, I have received donations from family members that might make it possible to swing this. Other things that help is that the landlord should be desperate to make a deal (he has 6 open units in November in a college town. Those are likely to stay open unless he brings the price down) and the property management firm said that the first month should be half off, though we will know for sure on Monday.
Cons for the place:
- I have to cosign his lease - I will have to make a deposit worth one month bill
Plusses for the place:
- Old but well maintained - Cheaper per month than the fleabag hotel, even without the possible discount - Far enough from my house that he is not likely to drop in unannounced too often - Close enough for him to walk to most places he might find a job - His neighbors will be college students. Sure, they might still drink and do drugs, but it is unlikely that is all that they will be interested in. Far better than the place that averages 2 ODs a month (according to a firefighter friend who has to regularly make 911 runs to the crappy place we were initially looking at.
|
|
Juice
El Dandy
Wrong? Oh he can tell ya about being wrong.
I'm the one who raised you from perdition.
Posts: 8,172
|
Post by Juice on Oct 31, 2014 20:13:19 GMT -5
Dude don't co sign shit for him. You're gonna eat that rent every month. But thank Christ your wife has finally agreed that he can't live with you guys.
You're gonna probably hate me for this, but why not look into some homeless shelters? They have free food and places to stay warm. Obviously not the best place at all, but nothing will come from your pocket and you can sleep easy knowing that he is not in the woods.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2014 20:36:24 GMT -5
I think this is the first time I've posted in one of your threads but I have been following along. The place you found sounds great but I will second what Juice is saying - do not cosign for him. Just everything you've posted seems like it would end with you eating the entire lease.
|
|
Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,351
|
Post by Dr. T is an alien on Oct 31, 2014 21:23:55 GMT -5
Regarding homeless shelters, there are a handful of issues there
- Bloomington seems to have a sizable homeless population, so there is a freaking wait list. - He has been in a homeless shelter once before, but he decided he would rather live in the woods over in the shelter. - He has plenty of problems, but I know that those in the shelter even skeeve him out with their instability. To be honest, seeing a guy shit in the corner because he had to go and refused to leave his favorite corner would upset me a bit too.
I am not a fool. I fully expect to eat that lease until July. I would hope that he gets his shit together and pays for it himself now that he is supposedly on meds, but I don't bank on that. When I do get stuck with that bill, I will have no right to complain about it (though I will probably be quite grumpy about it). I have had some family members elect to step up to help out in this regard. My dad called my wife this evening (on the home phone) and offered to help pay towards my student loans and chip in for monthly rental expenses if the kid does not get his head on straight. My mother in law chipped in towards any potential deposit. The kid's grandmother on his father's side also offered to kick in between $100-200 a month. My father-in-law has promised to help out as well.
At this point, we have begun to look at him as a handicapped kid that we are stuck with. I don't want him around the house, but if we don't help him he will never even have a shot of getting on track. He cannot provide a stable enough environment for himself to attempt to get his act together. That, and my wife would never be able to live with herself if he hurts himself (either accidentally or on purpose) after we refused to help, so not helping is not an option.
Since not helping is not an option, the choice is pretty clear. He cannot move back in with us. My wife is finishing up nursing school and can no longer deal with the distractions. I cannot and will not tolerate him in our house either. In fact, if my wife lets him back in then I have to find another place anyways as I will take the two other kids and the cat and leave.
Therefore, I'm stuck cosigning for a lease and crossing every finger I have hoping that he pulls his head out of his ass. If he does not, with all of the help that is being offered I might not suffer financially too much, but it would represent the last time I do something for him. Either way, he is on his own by July at the latest.
|
|
|
Post by KAMALARAMBO: BOOMSHAKALAKA!!! on Oct 31, 2014 21:55:26 GMT -5
How long is the lease for exactly? I've only ever dealt with leases that have been 6 months or a year, but from what you've written it looks like an 8 or 9 month lease unless I am getting something mixed up. I'd be very cautious about this. What if he messes up again and for whatever reason can't/won't go back there? From everything you've written it doesn't sound like it would be completely out of character for him to say, "I hate that place. I'm not going back. F you!" Then since you've mentioned not helping isn't an option you're then on the hook for that place plus wherever else you have to help pay for him to live.
|
|
Evil Homer
Hank Scorpio
I am Evil Homer, I am Evil Homer.
Posts: 5,377
|
Post by Evil Homer on Oct 31, 2014 22:55:06 GMT -5
Wow after everything he did , you & your family are loving and financially willing to support him . I just hope he soon realizes everything done for him and gets his shit in line .
|
|
Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,351
|
Post by Dr. T is an alien on Oct 31, 2014 23:28:32 GMT -5
How long is the lease for exactly? I've only ever dealt with leases that have been 6 months or a year, but from what you've written it looks like an 8 or 9 month lease unless I am getting something mixed up. I'd be very cautious about this. What if he messes up again and for whatever reason can't/won't go back there? From everything you've written it doesn't sound like it would be completely out of character for him to say, "I hate that place. I'm not going back. F you!" Then since you've mentioned not helping isn't an option you're then on the hook for that place plus wherever else you have to help pay for him to live. The place is an apartment building within both walking distance from campus and on a few bus routes. They expect that most units will be rented by college kids, so the leasing periods begin and end in July. Because we would be starting late in the period, the lease would still run until the end of the period in July. As I said, since they have a number of empty units the landlord will probably cut us a deal to lower the price even more in addition to letting us have half off for the first month just to sweeten the deal and get him in the place. I am sure that some people might wonder why there are so many units open if it is such a decent place. Well, it is a matter of subjective choice. The unit is, to be generous, a bit cozy. It is definitely not the kind of place that you would entertain friends in (the entire unit - bedroom, bathroom, closet space, utility closet, and kitchenette/living room) could easily fit in the master suite in my house and have room to spare. It is a utilitarian unit, to be for sure. Still, it suits his needs just fine (remember, he would rather sit in my shed even when he has nothing to get high with than spend time in the house). Would I move into the place if I were him? I had a worse place when I went to school the first time (I went back to school at age 30 to get my BS and MA). I never entertained guests, so this place would have been fine when I was young. I don't know that I would move into such a place now if something happened between my wife and I. I would want someplace my kids could be at and not feel like the Little Old Lady that Lived in a Shoe. Since he has no interest in having anyone over, however, I don't see him wanting to leave the place. The only issue is getting him to the point that he pays for the place himself.
|
|
|
Post by bluemeii on Nov 1, 2014 0:09:01 GMT -5
Dr. T you seem like a genuine good dude. If the worst that comes out of this to keep the existing family unit intact is some cash, your doin ok. Good luck to you man. If you don't keep us updated in a thread, I'd love to know if things are good in a PM. Either way you have the patience of a prince, I can honestly say I don't know if I could have held out as long as you have dealing with what you have.
Sincerely all my best to you and yours.
|
|
|
Post by Zaq "That Guy" Buzzkill on Nov 1, 2014 0:20:20 GMT -5
I'm just glad to know that you no longer sanction his buffoonery.
|
|
Dukect
Don Corleone
A person who tries to make sense of the senseless
Posts: 1,567
|
Post by Dukect on Nov 1, 2014 1:32:34 GMT -5
Man part of me wants to send you some cash to help you out.But I wouldn't be surprised that 19 year old would do something foolish with it. Anyway I'm praying for ya man keep your head up your awesome
|
|
Juice
El Dandy
Wrong? Oh he can tell ya about being wrong.
I'm the one who raised you from perdition.
Posts: 8,172
|
Post by Juice on Nov 1, 2014 6:59:11 GMT -5
I'm just glad to know that you no longer sanction his buffoonery. Did you just quote Tommy Lee Jones? I'm in no way trying to derail this thread, but that's funny dude. www.denofgeek.us/movies/jim-carrey/240743/jim-carrey-on-batman-forever-tommy-lee-jones-hated-meAnyway... If you're going to pay anyway, you should still put the lease in his name if able to. Though I doubt you will ever have any issues making your end of the bargain good, it still would reflect poorly on you.
|
|
|
Post by Hit Girl on Nov 1, 2014 8:01:18 GMT -5
Personally I'd leave him in the woods.
|
|
Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,351
|
Post by Dr. T is an alien on Nov 1, 2014 9:29:33 GMT -5
I'm just glad to know that you no longer sanction his buffoonery. Did you just quote Tommy Lee Jones? I'm in no way trying to derail this thread, but that's funny dude. www.denofgeek.us/movies/jim-carrey/240743/jim-carrey-on-batman-forever-tommy-lee-jones-hated-meAnyway... If you're going to pay anyway, you should still put the lease in his name if able to. Though I doubt you will ever have any issues making your end of the bargain good, it still would reflect poorly on you. Well, his name will be on the lease but as he is currently unemployed a cosigner is required. Believe me, I would rather not put my name on dick, but that does not appear to be an option.
|
|
Juice
El Dandy
Wrong? Oh he can tell ya about being wrong.
I'm the one who raised you from perdition.
Posts: 8,172
|
Post by Juice on Nov 1, 2014 9:46:23 GMT -5
Well, his name will be on the lease but as he is currently unemployed a cosigner is required. Believe me, I would rather not put my name on dick, but that does not appear to be an option. Also don't you think/worry that if you and others are paying his rent that you're just going to reinforce his behavior? Or is this really just coming to that point that you're happy to pay his rent to get him the f*** out? Also don't you worry that he's just gonna hit you up for groceries and shit? 150 a month can turn into 500 quite fast. Even in a small studio apartment. I worry for ya man. Like I said I have read everyone of these threads and always try to give my two cents when it seems welcomed.
|
|
Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,351
|
Post by Dr. T is an alien on Nov 1, 2014 10:24:59 GMT -5
Well, his name will be on the lease but as he is currently unemployed a cosigner is required. Believe me, I would rather not put my name on dick, but that does not appear to be an option. Also don't you think/worry that if you and others are paying his rent that you're just going to reinforce his behavior? Or is this really just coming to that point that you're happy to pay his rent to get him the f*** out? Also don't you worry that he's just gonna hit you up for groceries and shit? 150 a month can turn into 500 quite fast. Even in a small studio apartment. I worry for ya man. Like I said I have read everyone of these threads and always try to give my two cents when it seems welcomed. He'll have water and I'll buy him ramen. If he wants to eat better than that, it's on him. As for whether or not we are reinforcing his behavior, it makes no difference. He will spend what little money he gets on shit like lighter fluid and forgoes eating before he forgoes getting high. With that mindset, he simply is completely incapable of taking care of himself. I more or less expect that I might outlive him at this rate, and no parent should do that. If we ensure that he has a roof over his head and it is heated, at least the odds of him dying of exposure goes down significantly. Also, you are right. I am happy to pay rent to keep him the f*** out of my house.
|
|
|
Post by rapidfire187 on Nov 1, 2014 11:36:05 GMT -5
Hey man, I've been reading about your issues with your step son and I think I have an idea that you have never considered. Check this out. www.ibogahouse.com/I don't know how much it costs, but it has to be cheaper than what you're planning on doing and it may completely reinvigorate the dude's life. Plus, it seems like something he may voluntarily do. Just throwing it out there. I definitely think you should research it though. Good luck! Edit: I should clarify that this is more about fixing his underlying issues rather than his living situation. It's not a halfway house or anything.
|
|
Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,351
|
Post by Dr. T is an alien on Nov 7, 2014 3:15:07 GMT -5
Well, even newer update, and it is decent news, for once.
We did not wind up signing any lease. We knew that we would have to wait until this past Monday at the earliest to actually apply for the apartment. I had put him up at the Motel 6 for 2 days (cost me just under $90 to do so). Because I could not afford to keep putting him up in a nice hotel until we got the apartment, so he was allowed to stay at our place for the weekend, provided that he not act like a dick.
He acted like a dick, though not as bad as he had been. He got to our place in a surly mood and started a fight with me because I had the nerve to move his ratty-ass recliner that he had found on the side of the road out of my shed (where it was getting nasty from the elements) and into my garage. I also shampooed the thing because it stunk and was nasty. Apparently I was out of line for doing a nice thing for him without him asking me. I had also thrown away used napkins and other trash he had stuffed in between the cushion, and how was I to know that he had no future use for that trash? After all, one man's trash is another man's treasure (but seriously, used napkins?) Considering that I found out the hard way when my mother committed suicide 4 years ago that she had hidden from me that she had become a serious hoarder (she was always messy when I was growing up, but I had no idea since she lived 1000 miles away and we would meet halfway to visit), I tend to take anyone I know getting upset about trash being thrown away pretty seriously. Still, outside of being a grump and getting shitty over the fact that people were nice to him, Saturday was not as bad as things had been. We figured we could endure until Monday.
On Sunday he decided to do everyone a favor and stay holed up in his room so that he would not get into it with anyone. Unfortunately (but ultimately, fortunately) his grandmother on his father's side came by to visit (she is his biological grandmother, but she got pregnant as a young teen in a different time and her parents took the kid from her and adopted him themselves, meaning that she is legally the aunt. It's a messed up family). She, my wife, the stepson, and I wound up having to have a 5 hour long conversation about his life, life choices, future prospects, etc. It was made much harder by the fact that the kid could not stay on point and would randomly change the conversation with unrelated musings and incomprehensible bouts of random rage directed at people that were not in the conversation (and may not be real).
How did it all end? She decided that she would take him in, get him a job at her workplace, and keep an eye on him. The primary issues were as follows:
1) The grandma's boyfriend of 2 decades said that if she brought him in he would move out (which was why we did not try to make this happen earlier). She decided that it would be too bad if he followed through with that, but if it came down to it she would choose the kid over her boyfriend. While I was not ready to let anyone have their personal life upended like that when she first mentioned it last year, I don't give a shit anymore if she is willing to make that choice. I don't know if he left her or not, at this point.
2) The kid had to pass a drug screen in order to get the job. He did. Tuesday was his first day.
3) He had to agree to not quit the job and give 2/3 of his check to his grandma to put it aside so he could buy a truck on his own in a few months. Since he is going to be working 7 days a week, he is going to tire of the job and make a lot more money than he ever has made, I don't expect either of those to hold up, but at this point it isn't my problem.
Long story short, we have not seen or heard from him since she picked him up on Tuesday to take him to work (they were supposed to go grocery shopping after work and then get him settled in at the old family homestead). Life has been peaceful. Quiet. I got caught up on my grading that I fell behind on over the past two weeks.
On the plus side for him, he gets to live at his greatgrandfather's house. For some reason, that place holds an incomprehensible fascination for all of the men in that family. I would not want it. It is a 120 year old farmhouse that should have been condemned and torn down 50 years ago. The grandmother inherited the house (while her brothers and son got jack shit because they were all terrible people who their father had disowned in the years before he died). Her boyfriend had to spend the past 3 years since his death fixing the place up and only now is it remotely inhabitable again (another reason it might be nice if he did not leave and abandon the fruits of his labor).
Another plus for him is that if he does comply with her demands, he will quickly get certain things in his life dealt with. No more court fees over his head. He can buy a truck (a big deal to him). He will not have too much spare time on his hands and will be less prone to want to get high just to pass the time. He will get a work history that might enable him to support himself in the future.
I am hoping that she can keep him from huffing, since I think that is eating his brain away. He wasn't completely mentally stable to begin with, but he completely fell off of the damned rails when he started huffing. He will still need serious, professional help, but until his head isn't so far up his own ass for him to realize that he has a legitimate problem (and not forget that realization the next day), no professionals can help him.
Either way, he isn't here mucking up my life at the moment. If this last effort, where his grandmother will basically be babysitting him for most hours of every day, does not start him on the road to recovery, then nothing we ever can do will. If he manages to blow this latest deal, I am not picking him up. He can go live his life however the hell he wants.
|
|