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Post by DASH 243✅ on Feb 24, 2019 12:41:23 GMT -5
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
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Futureraven: Beelzebruv
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
The Ultimate Arbiter of Right And Wrong
Spent half my life here, God help me
Posts: 15,019
Member is Online
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Post by Futureraven: Beelzebruv on Feb 25, 2019 16:50:18 GMT -5
I've just seen someone ranking the "An American Tail" films.
It's the Fievel Countdown!
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Post by Father Dougal McGuire on Mar 1, 2019 20:52:03 GMT -5
Why do ducks have tails?
To hide their butt quacks.
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Post by bibboid on Mar 2, 2019 14:18:28 GMT -5
A newly married couple go to the Grand Canyon on their honeymoon. They rent a pair of mules and start riding to the bottom of the canyon. They get about a third of the way down and the wife’s mule bumps up agains the the rock wall and scrapes her leg. The wife leans over and says in its ear, “That’s one, stupid.”
They go down a bit more and the mule twists it’s head around and tries to bite her on the leg. The wife leans over and says in its ear, “That’s two, stupid.”
They get down to the bottom and climb off, and the wife’s mule turns away and tries to kick her with its hind legs. The wife says, “that’s three, stupid,” and pulls out a gun and shoots the mule dead.
The husband is shocked. “What did you do that for? Now we have to pay for that mule and you have to walk back up out of the canyon. Are you crazy?”
The wife smiles and leans over and says in his ear, “That’s one, stupid.”
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Post by Father Dougal McGuire on Mar 2, 2019 17:11:05 GMT -5
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla
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Post by DASH 243✅ on Mar 2, 2019 20:30:58 GMT -5
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."
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Post by paulbearer on Mar 4, 2019 3:35:54 GMT -5
What did the swat team call their boat on July 22 in Norway ?
-A Bad Boat (get it.....ABB , Anders Behring Breivik)
Actually it *was* a crappy rubber boat which took forever to reach the island.....
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Post by paulbearer on Mar 4, 2019 3:39:49 GMT -5
How does a Penguin build it's house? Igloos it together The Penguin doesnt like golf due to people hitting *birdies* --------------------------------------------------- I played bridge with a fella named Zorin once. He lost. -James Bond ------------------------------------------ Knock knock ! Whos there ? Isador Isador who ? Is a door made of wood ?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 4:38:51 GMT -5
Why can Daniel Bryan not enter a gas station?
Because he always carries matches.
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Spider2024
Patti Mayonnaise
Dedicated 6,666th post to Irontyger
I believe in Joe Hendry.
Posts: 39,197
Member is Online
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Post by Spider2024 on Mar 6, 2019 9:10:37 GMT -5
I have finally finalized my Top 5 songs list of 2018. Here they are, in some particular order:
1. "Richard Fliehr Drip" - Kiari Kendrell Cephus, Sheyaa Bin Abraham-Joseph & Leland Tyler Wayne 2. "Rodents" - Ghost B.C. 3. "Nothing Breaks Figuratively Like A Heart" - Mark Ronson & Miley Ray Hemsworth 4. the remix to "Finesse" - Peter Gene Hernandez and featuring Belcalis Marlenis Almanzar 5. "Alexis Kaufman" - Ariana Grande-Butera
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Post by devilfish on Mar 8, 2019 11:54:48 GMT -5
Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
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The Unconquered Sun
King Koopa
He has no pants! What a heathen!
Lord of Storms and Kittens!
Posts: 11,548
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Post by The Unconquered Sun on Mar 15, 2019 13:14:48 GMT -5
why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
the P is silent
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Post by Father Dougal McGuire on Mar 22, 2019 23:17:59 GMT -5
A few years ago, my city hosted the Final Four. I think I met some members from an Australian clan They kept yelling out "We're the Fakawi!!!!"
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Post by DASH 243✅ on Mar 23, 2019 10:41:39 GMT -5
A baby seal walked into a club
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Post by DASH 243✅ on Apr 4, 2019 22:14:07 GMT -5
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
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Post by Father Dougal McGuire on Apr 5, 2019 1:51:48 GMT -5
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
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Perd
Patti Mayonnaise
Leslie needs to butt out for fear of receiving The Bunghole Buster
Posts: 31,943
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Post by Perd on Apr 12, 2019 12:23:59 GMT -5
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A Meanderthal
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Post by DASH 243✅ on Apr 12, 2019 17:40:59 GMT -5
What did the fish day when it swam into a wall? Dam!
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Post by Father Dougal McGuire on Apr 19, 2019 8:53:30 GMT -5
(best if read in an Irish accent)
Why is there a law saying you can't put more than 239 beans in a single can?
Because one more would be 240.
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Post by The 1Watcher Experience on Apr 19, 2019 16:14:44 GMT -5
Where do little frogs come from?
Little ponds.
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