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Post by Clash, Never a Meter Maid on Feb 26, 2018 7:37:44 GMT -5
I apologize if this comes off melodramatic, but I don’t know how else to express myself right now. Because I feel like total dirt.
My issues right now aren’t pertaining to my work or education, the worst thing going wrong with me career-wise is a monotonous routine. But as of late, I haven’t been able to shake this crippling feeling of loneliness. I plan to have myself officially diagnosed in a week or so, but long story short, my depression has been kicking my ass. It’s that feeling when your brain is constantly regurgitating negative ideas and the worst assumptions about people. There’s also this nagging fear in the back of my head that people would find me weird, creepy or strange were I totally honest with myself. I know that sounds childish, but it’s something I’m still coping with.
So the result is, I’m constantly paranoid about how people perceive me whenever I say anything. It’s not to where I was petrified into being near-mute when I tried to spark up conversations years ago, but often I feel I come off overbearing when I debate about a topic with someone. I know some people here see me as “whiny”, and I don’t want that to be what I’m known for on this board. It isn’t my intent to annoy people, I go out of my way to listen and take in people’s arguments. My emotions bubble up a lot when I talk about a subject I’m interested in or excited about, and I pray that I haven’t been too annoying in that regard over the years.
If I’ve ever made anyone feel alienated with anything I’ve posted, I apologize. I’m sorry if I overreacted if you criticized something I was a fan of. All of those stupid threads I made where I got my panties in a bunch because others didn’t like a wrestler, movie, TV show, game, or whatever that I liked, I regret them. I like to imagine I’ve matured over time, at least a little.
I don’t want to be a burden on anyone on these forums. If you see me speak out about something in a thread that I feel isn’t right, it isn’t because I’m trying to assert my authority. It’s because I love this board, and I’ve made a lot of genuine friends here over the years. I see FAN as almost like a surrogate family of sorts. To me, this isn’t a board of strangers. Online friends living miles away are just as valid as the ones I see every day.
I don’t know if my rambling here is too coherent, but I needed to get this off my chest because my self-esteem when it comes to socialization has been the pits these days. So in a nutshell, I feel terrible, I’m sincerely sorry if people think I’m an obnoxious jerk or a whiner, and I truly want to do better if I’ve been any sort of problem. I want to be a real friend to everyone here, if they’ll accept me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 7:56:10 GMT -5
I'm in a similar place to you right now Clash, but I want you to know I love you buddy.
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Cvslfc123
Hank Scorpio
Posts: 5,458
Member is Online
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Post by Cvslfc123 on Feb 26, 2018 8:25:03 GMT -5
I'm in a situation where my girlfriend and best friend now hate eachother and it's taken a toll on me.
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Post by Clash, Never a Meter Maid on Feb 26, 2018 8:28:20 GMT -5
I'm in a situation where my girlfriend and best friend now hate eachother and it's taken a toll on me. Really sorry to hear that's happening. It drives me up a wall when people I care about are fighting, too.
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Post by Toilet Paper Roll on Feb 26, 2018 9:11:48 GMT -5
A monotonous routine is a rut and if you don't get out of it you'll just get worse. Believe me I've been there.
A couple of years ago my routine of monotony lead me to depression. I stopped loving my wife, I drank because it was easier than confront my problems... it numbed me for a bit. It was easier to be hungover than be miserable.
I eventually got fed up andsought out a therapist. I was given celexa and once we had the dosage down and I was able to work some things out in therapy it was like spring time in my head.
I recommitted myself to my wife, we improved our relationship. I started looking into a career that I actually enjoy doing. I ate healthier I was happy, like being born again.
But I feel your pain, my god it was a horrible time in my life. But don't get down it just makes it harder. Get some help from a therapist or a friend... hell if you want to PM me I'll help you out, I know what it's like. I know how bad it can be and how it can be turned around.
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Kyn
Don Corleone
Posts: 1,623
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Post by Kyn on Feb 26, 2018 9:30:41 GMT -5
Sounds familiar. Your brain tells you every laugh you hear is someone laughing at you, every whisper must be people talking about you, and every time you talk to people they're wishing you'd shut up. It's a horrible feeling.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Keep your head up, and remember (in the words of Russell Brand), sometimes your brain is not your ally. If you can I highly recommend seeing a doctor/therapist and not being worried to be completely honest with them; they've always heard way more f***ed up shit than whatever you have to tell them.
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Post by YAKMAN is ICHIBAN on Feb 26, 2018 9:58:53 GMT -5
I don't think anything has captured the feeling of depression quite like Bojack Horseman. The "Piece of Shit" episode in particular is incredible. I for one found it cathartic to watch.
Depression is a liar, and you are very convincing to yourself.
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Post by Clash, Never a Meter Maid on Feb 26, 2018 10:06:49 GMT -5
I don't think anything has captured the feeling of depression quite like Bojack Horseman. The "Piece of Shit" episode in particular is incredible. I for one found it cathartic to watch. Depression is a liar, and you are very convincing to yourself. Real talk: I have yet to actually watch Bojack. I'm long overdue to cross that off my list. Heard nothing but good things about it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 10:10:38 GMT -5
I don't think anything has captured the feeling of depression quite like Bojack Horseman. The "Piece of Shit" episode in particular is incredible. I for one found it cathartic to watch. Depression is a liar, and you are very convincing to yourself. Real talk: I have yet to actually watch Bojack. I'm long overdue to cross that off my list. Heard nothing but good things about it. It sounds bizarre to say because of the premise, but it's one of the most real shows I've ever watched in terms of characters acting like actual people ineed amongst the lunacy.
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Post by fuzzywarble, squat cobbler on Feb 26, 2018 10:16:35 GMT -5
Sorry man. I'm hear to lend an ear.
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Gecko
Grimlock
FAN Pyrite Member. Muahahaha
Posts: 13,242
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Post by Gecko on Feb 26, 2018 13:25:00 GMT -5
Sounds familiar. Your brain tells you every laugh you hear is someone laughing at you, every whisper must be people talking about you, and every time you talk to people they're wishing you'd shut up. It's a horrible feeling. I've been there and it is really terrible. Your brain goes immediately to the worst option and ignores the more likely reason for things and most of the time you won't even catch the fact that what you're thinking doesn't really make sense. Somebody doesn't answer their phone or reply to your message immediately? They're ignoring you. Somebody is a couple of minutes late meeting you? They're not coming because they don't like you. Somebody had to cancel plans with you? They're doing something else with other people instead. The group is talking about a thing that happened that you weren't there for? They're hinting that they don't want you there now. Every little thing that doesn't go exactly as planned or how you think it will, it must be something that you've done wrong and you're useless. It's one of those things that no matter how well you explain it, unless somebody has experienced it themselves they really can't understand what it is like to live with.
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Post by Clash, Never a Meter Maid on Feb 26, 2018 13:55:19 GMT -5
Sounds familiar. Your brain tells you every laugh you hear is someone laughing at you, every whisper must be people talking about you, and every time you talk to people they're wishing you'd shut up. It's a horrible feeling. I've been there and it is really terrible. Your brain goes immediately to the worst option and ignores the more likely reason for things and most of the time you won't even catch the fact that what you're thinking doesn't really make sense. Somebody doesn't answer their phone or reply to your message immediately? They're ignoring you. Somebody is a couple of minutes late meeting you? They're not coming because they don't like you. Somebody had to cancel plans with you? They're doing something else with other people instead. The group is talking about a thing that happened that you weren't there for? They're hinting that they don't want you there now. Every little thing that doesn't go exactly as planned or how you think it will, it must be something that you've done wrong and you're useless. It's one of those things that no matter how well you explain it, unless somebody has experienced it themselves they really can't understand what it is like to live with. Exactly. I'm dealing with a constant voice in my head reiterating worst-case scenarios, and telling me how much I'm *not* capable of overcoming them.
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Post by EvenBaldobombHasAJob on Feb 26, 2018 15:54:24 GMT -5
Dude I'm pretty much in the exact same place right now. I'm starting to feel better though. It's weird. I'm buying a house. Not anxious about that. Working a new workflow that's way harder. Not worried about that. Have 2 of the best friends I could ask for and a family that loves me. So I'm good with that. But I still worry all the time that people think I'm weird or I can't take care of myself or I'm stupid and that's what bothers me. Point is there's no real reason for me to feel that way but I do. But it's important to remind yourself it really is in all your head.
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Post by Clash, Never a Meter Maid on Feb 26, 2018 16:15:07 GMT -5
Serious question to everyone, here: have I ever been a pain towards you?
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Post by EvenBaldobombHasAJob on Feb 26, 2018 16:33:25 GMT -5
Serious question to everyone, here: have I ever been a pain towards you? Not to me no. We're all human. We all have bad days.
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Post by Clash, Never a Meter Maid on Feb 26, 2018 18:07:25 GMT -5
Serious question to everyone, here: have I ever been a pain towards you? Not to me no. We're all human. We all have bad days. Thank you. That means a lot right now.
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Ultimo Gallos
Grimlock
Dreams SUCK!Nightmares live FOREVER!
Posts: 14,318
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Post by Ultimo Gallos on Feb 26, 2018 18:09:46 GMT -5
Been dealing with depression and bi polar disorder ,well got diagnosed in 2007, a good chunk of my life.
Found for me one of the best things for my depression is to get out and do stuff. The first 3 years or so after I got diagnosed I spent most days at home online all the time. And my depression never got better. Now I try to spend at least 4 evenings a week away from home. Sometimes I go see my lady and hang out with her. Sometimes I go hang out with some friends. Sometimes I just go driving around. But this has majorly helped my depression.
I wish you luck in your battle. You seem to have realized that your brain is telling you stuff that isn't true. That is a good step.
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Post by fuzzywarble, squat cobbler on Feb 26, 2018 18:27:45 GMT -5
Serious question to everyone, here: have I ever been a pain towards you? Let me put it to you this way: If we ever went out for a beer, I wouldn't feel compelled to smash the bottle over your head.
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Kyn
Don Corleone
Posts: 1,623
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Post by Kyn on Feb 26, 2018 20:38:53 GMT -5
Serious question to everyone, here: have I ever been a pain towards you? Nope. Not that I've been posting long, but I've been lurking a looong time. I remember the usernames of most of the people who pissed me off, & you're not on there. Everyone has disagreements with someone at some point and bad days, though. We all make mistakes. It's not something to beat yourself up over, unless you're the type of person who maliciously follows people around picking fights for the sake of it, which I don't think you are.
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Post by GuyOfOwnage on Feb 27, 2018 0:29:08 GMT -5
Serious question to everyone, here: have I ever been a pain towards you? Nope; on the contrary, I've always found your different usernames to be very entertaining.
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