Post by Gus Richlen Was Wrong on Apr 26, 2018 1:57:47 GMT -5
I was waiting to see if Sponsored by Groose Wipes was going to do another mock draft this year. Since nothing showed up, I took it upon myself to take my best shot at one.
So here goes nothing....
1. CLEVELAND BROWNS: Grado, TGANFTHWIMEMPACFTHATOWLT, QB. After finishing the previous season 0-16, it's clear that the Browns need someone to make a huge impact on the team right away. Sadly, the team is run by idiots and they pick up someone from Impact. He'll be a better QB than Johnny Football *AIR HORN* but that is not saying much.
2. NEW YORK GIANTS: Colin Cassidy, WWE Smackdown, WR. It looks as if Eli Manning may have nobody to throw to next season, or at least nobody worth throwing to. Enter Big Cass, who is seven feet tall and makes the perfect target for the Original Brady Slayer. He may, however, be targeting the other WRs because he wants to be the only guy catching anything.
3. NEW YORK JETS: Roman Reigns, Originally from Georgia Tech, LB. The Jets know their fans will boo whoever they draft first anyway so why not give them a reason to get those boos out of their system? As for Roman himself, he'll be back on RAW without seeing a single snap for the Jets because getting ruined by WWE Creative is better than getting ruined by an incompetent Jets team.
4. CLEVELAND BROWNS: LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers and formerly South Beach, Whatever He Wants. The Browns do not want their city to sink into despair once LeBron heads for the Lakers or whatever. This is the best chance they have to save Cleveland. Too bad it means they pass up two other favorite sons, one a UFC champion, the other AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMME.
5. DENVER BRONCOS: Donald Cerrone, UFC Lightweight Division, K. Seriously, I once saw him kick a dude so hard in the head that the guy's face nearly moved to the other side of his head. Cerrone packs a nasty head kick and in the thin air of Denver, he's likely going to shatter NFL records like he shatters his opponent's consciousness.
6. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Peyton Manning, Tennessee, QB. Jim Irsay is a f***ing idiot and will make a pathetic attempt to make amends for treating him like shit on the way out. It will not work.
7. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Roman Reigns, Previously drafted by the Jets, LB. Where Roman lives in Florida, the Bucs figure they can draft him since he's likely not playing for the Jets. He's deciding to vanish to somewhere else because he's just heard rumors of who New Orleans is drafting.
8. CHICAGO BEARS: Yu Darvish, Chicago Cubs, QB. Because there is the chance that Mitchell Trubisky may not turn out to be that good in Year 2, the Bears decide to borrow the Cubs' newest addition. The hope is that YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! doesn't completely choke like he did in the World Series (YU BLEW IT!). Green Bay is already planning to draft members of the Houston Astros to ensure that he does.
9. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Mileena, Outworld, Whatever She Wants But Hoping For Offensive Line. The 49ers are already looking to be competitive in the NFC West, but they want to take no risks. They're hoping the deposed Empress will use her fierceness to protect Jimmy G. They also are hoping her clones can be signed as well since they would ensure that nobody even tries to sack him. If they can get the classic Mileena as well, that'd almost guarantee them a Super Bowl victory.
10. OAKLAND RAIDERS: Kerry King, Slayer, Rally Guy. Slayer is nearing the end of the road, but Oakland wants to show their thanks for the thrash legends' fandom by having King work to fire the crowd up. Too bad it won't last long as the team is headed to Vegas to play second fiddle to the Golden Knights. Oakland is also going to try to get Slayer frontman Tom Araya as well.
11. MIAMI DOLPHINS: David Caruso, CSI: Miami, Coach. Considering that his character, Horatio Caine, was the last great thing to be linked to Miami in a long time, this is a smart pick for the Dolphins. Now if only everyone can fix that damned meme!
12. BUFFALO BILLS: Tatanka, WWE, Tatanka. I only have this pick for the obvious joke.
13. WASHINGTON (AHEM): Kirk Cousins, Now A Viking, QB. Daniel Snyder is a f***ing idiot who now has no good plan for QB. He will likely take this out on the entire coaching staff when they end up in the NFC East basement. Too bad he can't throw any money at Cousins since Minnesota gave him an albatross of a contract instead.
14. GREEN BAY PACKERS: Jaire Alexander, CB, Louisville. This is who Mike Mayock has in his mock draft so why not. We need the help in the secondary anyway.
15. ARIZONA CARDINALS: Justin Gaethje, UFC Lightweight division, S. Arizona needs someone who can be a big playmaker as well. Why not someone from their own state? He's someone who fights his heart out and pretty much steals the show, and in a tough division such as the NFC West, that is a good thing.
16. BALTIMORE RAVENS: Tarzan Boy, Jungle, OOOOOHWHOAOOWHOAOOWHOAOOWHOAAAAAAAAA- Sorry, that's "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora. The Ravens just ask John Harbaugh to draft his brother Jim to be the next QB.
17. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS: James Cameron, Hollywood, Office. What better way to get the fans to finally show up to Chargers games in a tiny soccer stadium than to have an Oscar winning director do promotional work for them? Wait, so nobody wants to show up at Avatar Night because he just did that last week? And he's refusing to let them do anything that keeps him from doing a Terminator bobblehead giveaway? This is perhaps the most Chargers thing they've done since moving to LA. F*** YOU, SPANOS!
18. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: A tank, WW2, symbolism. This team is falling apart at the seams. There's only one thing to do now: REV UP THAT GLORIOUS TANK!
19. DALLAS COWBOYS: Roman Reigns, WWE, LB. As mentioned last year, Roman Reigns is the last person to win a world championship in Jerryworld. Emperor Jerry himself wants to win and win now. He also heard a certain redhead is a fan of the Big Dog. Sadly, I am not the coach of the Cowboys, so Jason Garrett is screwed. Also, Roman is still avoiding the NFL because of the Saints' pick.
20. DETROIT LIONS: Random receiver, WR, College. The Lions suddenly get possessed by a malevolent entity. It seems to resemble Matt Millen.
21. CINCINATTI BENGALS: Marvin Lewis, Pit Of Misery (DILLY DILLY!), Coach. The Bengals are f***ng idiots and draft their own coach to be their coach. The Browns laugh but they fail to realize they should have fired Hue Jackson.
22. BUFFALO BILLS: Jinder Mahal, WWE, Modern Day Maharajah. Buffalo accidentally ends up with Jinder when they fail to read a contract before signing. Kurt Angle takes advantage by getting rid of someone nobody cares about and gets a lifetime's supply of wings.
23. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: A QB, QB, College. Because Tom Brady is eventually going to fall apart.
24. CAROLINA PANTHERS: Grado, IMPACT, QB. I'M NOT SORRY, Seth Drakin of Monster Crap!
25. TENNESSEE TITANS: A cloning machine, a lab, cloning. Taylor Lewan is the best player they have. They want an entire team of Taylor Lewans. They are hoping the machine doesn't break after they get the fifth one.
26. ATLANTA FALCONS: Roman Reigns, WWE, LB. Atlanta has seen Reigns' propensity for choking and think he'd be a great fit. Too bad for them he's long gone, having noticed the Saints have made their choice....
27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Nicholas, School, Whatever PositionBraun Tells Them To Give Him They Graciously Give That Boy. EVERYONE FEARS NICHOLAS. EVERYONE. EVEN BROCK LESNAR.
28. PITTSBURGH STEELERS: UrinatingTree, YouTube- wait, never mind, he just cursed them out. They're going to try to draft Conor McGregor instead because he us a fighter who fits in the Steelers tradition. The Tomlin Tradition, that is, of having a team full of talent but also a lot of arrogance and no discipline. The other AFC North teams are going to draft from the rest of UFC's lightweight division in response.
29. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Sponsored by Groose Wipes, Kansas City, Keeper Of The Glamourous Robot. Sadly, Kansas City does not have a pick in the first round. Jacksonville, not wanting to see Groose fall to the second round, has pity and picks him up. Mettaton is also going to be drafted by Ja-
30. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Mettaton, Undertale, Glamourous Robot. DAMN IT.
31. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Seymour Skinner, Springfield, Principal. New England is hoping for steamed clams. Seymour, however, will bring an impressive combo of steamed hams and aurora borealis. Well, he really is an odd fellow.
32. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Yukari Yakumo, Gensokyo, CB. Already one of the most powerful beings in Gensokyo, she now ensures that nobody can catch any passes against her. However, the NFL may end up having to call the usage of gaps to do so "pass interference."
So here goes nothing....
1. CLEVELAND BROWNS: Grado, TGANFTHWIMEMPACFTHATOWLT, QB. After finishing the previous season 0-16, it's clear that the Browns need someone to make a huge impact on the team right away. Sadly, the team is run by idiots and they pick up someone from Impact. He'll be a better QB than Johnny Football *AIR HORN* but that is not saying much.
2. NEW YORK GIANTS: Colin Cassidy, WWE Smackdown, WR. It looks as if Eli Manning may have nobody to throw to next season, or at least nobody worth throwing to. Enter Big Cass, who is seven feet tall and makes the perfect target for the Original Brady Slayer. He may, however, be targeting the other WRs because he wants to be the only guy catching anything.
3. NEW YORK JETS: Roman Reigns, Originally from Georgia Tech, LB. The Jets know their fans will boo whoever they draft first anyway so why not give them a reason to get those boos out of their system? As for Roman himself, he'll be back on RAW without seeing a single snap for the Jets because getting ruined by WWE Creative is better than getting ruined by an incompetent Jets team.
4. CLEVELAND BROWNS: LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers and formerly South Beach, Whatever He Wants. The Browns do not want their city to sink into despair once LeBron heads for the Lakers or whatever. This is the best chance they have to save Cleveland. Too bad it means they pass up two other favorite sons, one a UFC champion, the other AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMME.
5. DENVER BRONCOS: Donald Cerrone, UFC Lightweight Division, K. Seriously, I once saw him kick a dude so hard in the head that the guy's face nearly moved to the other side of his head. Cerrone packs a nasty head kick and in the thin air of Denver, he's likely going to shatter NFL records like he shatters his opponent's consciousness.
6. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Peyton Manning, Tennessee, QB. Jim Irsay is a f***ing idiot and will make a pathetic attempt to make amends for treating him like shit on the way out. It will not work.
7. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Roman Reigns, Previously drafted by the Jets, LB. Where Roman lives in Florida, the Bucs figure they can draft him since he's likely not playing for the Jets. He's deciding to vanish to somewhere else because he's just heard rumors of who New Orleans is drafting.
8. CHICAGO BEARS: Yu Darvish, Chicago Cubs, QB. Because there is the chance that Mitchell Trubisky may not turn out to be that good in Year 2, the Bears decide to borrow the Cubs' newest addition. The hope is that YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! doesn't completely choke like he did in the World Series (YU BLEW IT!). Green Bay is already planning to draft members of the Houston Astros to ensure that he does.
9. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Mileena, Outworld, Whatever She Wants But Hoping For Offensive Line. The 49ers are already looking to be competitive in the NFC West, but they want to take no risks. They're hoping the deposed Empress will use her fierceness to protect Jimmy G. They also are hoping her clones can be signed as well since they would ensure that nobody even tries to sack him. If they can get the classic Mileena as well, that'd almost guarantee them a Super Bowl victory.
10. OAKLAND RAIDERS: Kerry King, Slayer, Rally Guy. Slayer is nearing the end of the road, but Oakland wants to show their thanks for the thrash legends' fandom by having King work to fire the crowd up. Too bad it won't last long as the team is headed to Vegas to play second fiddle to the Golden Knights. Oakland is also going to try to get Slayer frontman Tom Araya as well.
11. MIAMI DOLPHINS: David Caruso, CSI: Miami, Coach. Considering that his character, Horatio Caine, was the last great thing to be linked to Miami in a long time, this is a smart pick for the Dolphins. Now if only everyone can fix that damned meme!
12. BUFFALO BILLS: Tatanka, WWE, Tatanka. I only have this pick for the obvious joke.
13. WASHINGTON (AHEM): Kirk Cousins, Now A Viking, QB. Daniel Snyder is a f***ing idiot who now has no good plan for QB. He will likely take this out on the entire coaching staff when they end up in the NFC East basement. Too bad he can't throw any money at Cousins since Minnesota gave him an albatross of a contract instead.
14. GREEN BAY PACKERS: Jaire Alexander, CB, Louisville. This is who Mike Mayock has in his mock draft so why not. We need the help in the secondary anyway.
15. ARIZONA CARDINALS: Justin Gaethje, UFC Lightweight division, S. Arizona needs someone who can be a big playmaker as well. Why not someone from their own state? He's someone who fights his heart out and pretty much steals the show, and in a tough division such as the NFC West, that is a good thing.
16. BALTIMORE RAVENS: Tarzan Boy, Jungle, OOOOOHWHOAOOWHOAOOWHOAOOWHOAAAAAAAAA- Sorry, that's "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora. The Ravens just ask John Harbaugh to draft his brother Jim to be the next QB.
17. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS: James Cameron, Hollywood, Office. What better way to get the fans to finally show up to Chargers games in a tiny soccer stadium than to have an Oscar winning director do promotional work for them? Wait, so nobody wants to show up at Avatar Night because he just did that last week? And he's refusing to let them do anything that keeps him from doing a Terminator bobblehead giveaway? This is perhaps the most Chargers thing they've done since moving to LA. F*** YOU, SPANOS!
18. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: A tank, WW2, symbolism. This team is falling apart at the seams. There's only one thing to do now: REV UP THAT GLORIOUS TANK!
19. DALLAS COWBOYS: Roman Reigns, WWE, LB. As mentioned last year, Roman Reigns is the last person to win a world championship in Jerryworld. Emperor Jerry himself wants to win and win now. He also heard a certain redhead is a fan of the Big Dog. Sadly, I am not the coach of the Cowboys, so Jason Garrett is screwed. Also, Roman is still avoiding the NFL because of the Saints' pick.
20. DETROIT LIONS: Random receiver, WR, College. The Lions suddenly get possessed by a malevolent entity. It seems to resemble Matt Millen.
21. CINCINATTI BENGALS: Marvin Lewis, Pit Of Misery (DILLY DILLY!), Coach. The Bengals are f***ng idiots and draft their own coach to be their coach. The Browns laugh but they fail to realize they should have fired Hue Jackson.
22. BUFFALO BILLS: Jinder Mahal, WWE, Modern Day Maharajah. Buffalo accidentally ends up with Jinder when they fail to read a contract before signing. Kurt Angle takes advantage by getting rid of someone nobody cares about and gets a lifetime's supply of wings.
23. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: A QB, QB, College. Because Tom Brady is eventually going to fall apart.
24. CAROLINA PANTHERS: Grado, IMPACT, QB. I'M NOT SORRY, Seth Drakin of Monster Crap!
25. TENNESSEE TITANS: A cloning machine, a lab, cloning. Taylor Lewan is the best player they have. They want an entire team of Taylor Lewans. They are hoping the machine doesn't break after they get the fifth one.
26. ATLANTA FALCONS: Roman Reigns, WWE, LB. Atlanta has seen Reigns' propensity for choking and think he'd be a great fit. Too bad for them he's long gone, having noticed the Saints have made their choice....
27. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Nicholas, School, Whatever Position
28. PITTSBURGH STEELERS: UrinatingTree, YouTube- wait, never mind, he just cursed them out. They're going to try to draft Conor McGregor instead because he us a fighter who fits in the Steelers tradition. The Tomlin Tradition, that is, of having a team full of talent but also a lot of arrogance and no discipline. The other AFC North teams are going to draft from the rest of UFC's lightweight division in response.
29. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Sponsored by Groose Wipes, Kansas City, Keeper Of The Glamourous Robot. Sadly, Kansas City does not have a pick in the first round. Jacksonville, not wanting to see Groose fall to the second round, has pity and picks him up. Mettaton is also going to be drafted by Ja-
30. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Mettaton, Undertale, Glamourous Robot. DAMN IT.
31. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Seymour Skinner, Springfield, Principal. New England is hoping for steamed clams. Seymour, however, will bring an impressive combo of steamed hams and aurora borealis. Well, he really is an odd fellow.
32. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Yukari Yakumo, Gensokyo, CB. Already one of the most powerful beings in Gensokyo, she now ensures that nobody can catch any passes against her. However, the NFL may end up having to call the usage of gaps to do so "pass interference."
