I'm in a funk, and I guess I need to vent

[aka Cthulhu]

I don't know. I'm not depressed. I don't think I am. Whatever the case is, I feel that I'm just floating aimlessly at this point.

Some weeks ago I got confirmation that on top of my arthritic medical condition I also have osteoporosis. At this point I can't even make the effort to hide that I'm limping most of the time. For all the effort that has been done, I find myself still getting worse health-wise. There's rarely a position where I'm actually close to comfortable, bordering on none at all. And I am getting older, and the discomfort is just gonna spread. I'm tired too quickly... hell, I just feel tired most of the time. Every day, it's just coping with whatever aches or pain that's currently on my plate. Mentally I often find myself irritable, and tired from being flippant about it and hiding the fact that I'm sluggish.

Like, I find enjoyment, I genuinely do. But I'd grin and moments later there's that feeling of nothing.

I'm also drinking more. Far more than I should. The booze I've consumed in the past year has been a lot more than the booze I've drank in the past ten years before. Not healthy at all. For a long while I did it since it helped me ignore some of the usual aches and pains that I had to deal with on a daily basis. Now... hell if I know. I end up contemplating a lot more, like right now. It's not good in the long term, yet strangely it's making me more open to just facing what's going on with me, physically and emotionally.

I've accepted how things are, for most part. My medical problems are here to stay, and it's not gonna go away. I accept that and I know that it should not define the rest of my life. There are problems, sure, but I gotta deal with them and aim for good results and try to live a life I can be satisfied with.

At the same time, at the depths where I find my willpower, there's the doubt. Like, I know that there are times when my self just screams. For peace in me, for a break from my decline in health. I want to wake up and actually feel fine, and spend the day full of energy and just not ache all the time. Every time I walk and feel that thing in my left hip that makes me limp and ache, I remember the time when it wasn't so, and am reminded that the future will worsen it. I'm starting to feel it on my right. It's a constant thing that I sense in me, that I gotta deal with.

Sorry. I just wanted to vent. Past few weeks I've been more tired than usual. I've becoming more and more content to just go on autopilot on my day to day responsibilities, and just drift around for every thing else. At the very least, I'm a little relieved to have somewhere to vent this thoughts out.

[Deleted]

Venting is absolutely necessary sometimes and it sounds like you're in am awkward place right now man.

With situations like this I always recommend change, obviously your health is something that you can't effect but making positive changes elsewhere, whether ito with drinking or anything else just tone get the feeling of control back in your life. It breaks the cycle and gives fresh perspective. And get some r&r if you're able. You can always DM. :-)

[aka Cthulhu]

Jul 1, 2018 2:07:58 GMT -5 @returnofthestryker said:

Venting is absolutely necessary sometimes and it sounds like you're in am awkward place right now man.

With situations like this I always recommend change, obviously your health is something that you can't effect but making positive changes elsewhere, whether ito with drinking or anything else just tone get the feeling of control back in your life. It breaks the cycle and gives fresh perspective. And get some r&r if you're able. You can always DM. :-)

Health-wise, yeah, at least physically, I should stop drinking. And smoking. I'm not getting any better at all, and losing my two vices should at least help me slow down the progress of my declining body. Still, at the same time, I've realized that I got very good at just bottling things up. When I drink, I end up forcing myself to think of what I feel. I usually just let things be. I haven't found an answer that satisfies me, so I drink these days to help me think... seems counter-intuitive, yet in the end getting buzzed has become the only time when I'm actually willing to think of the various problems that plague my body.

It's tough. Every effort I do just seems to slow down the gradual worsening of my body. As much as I will myself to deal with the situation and treat things as they come, I can't help but be unsatisfied that it is what it is, deep down inside.

[Dr. T is an alien]

I am also dealing with a body that is not cooperating with me as I age. I have Bethlem Myopathy, which is a relatively rare neuromuscular disorder. I also passed that shit on down to my kids. In many ways it isn't so bad. Sure, weakness sucks, the increasing muscle stiffness isn't fun, and the growing ankle contractures is starting to affect how long I can stand to walk each day.

Having said that, my work with the MDA has exposed me to many kids who would love to deal with my symptoms instead of theirs. I can walk without any aids today, even if around 66% of those with my conditions can't say the same by the time they are 50 (a short 6 1/2 years away for me). My contractures are just somewhat painful as opposed to forcing me to walk on my toes like my youngest now does (if that doesn't sound bad, try doing it for 15 minutes and then imagine doing it all day long after you collapse). There are no indications of cardiac issues and I don't experience the same cachexia (wasting disease) or the camptodactyly (permanent bending) in my fingers that the majority with my condition develop. I could have had it so, so, so much worse.

Still, I plan out simple walks in order to avoid overexerting myself, which happens more often now that I am in my 40's. If I am on campus and need to get from one point to another, I consider which path has the least hills or steps to traverse. I consider what paths might allow me to take a slightly longer route that does not force me to change elevations. Today, I push mowed the small portion of my yard that I do chose to mow and got positively exhausted in the process.

My wife and I are seriously having conversations about needing to sell our house in order to build a handicap-accessible house in order to prepare for the future. It sucks to be 43 and conclude that I would be a fool to not have a house I could get around in a wheelchair in the immediate future. It sucks to realize that losing weight would seriously help my declining mobility, only to also realize I legitimately lack the stamina to exercise the fat off of me.

What I am saying is that I see no problem venting. Hell, if you can find the archived threads about my mom's suicide in 2010 or my step-son's repeated substance abuse issues, you would find me venting a plenty. It helped me sort my thoughts to have a relatively anonymous sound board for them. I recommend it, quite honestly. I also highly recommend giving two fingers to those who complain about using a thread to vent.