I think I am effectively adopting a 19 year old

[Dr. T is an alien]

My son’s best friend apparently suffered a case of coitus interruptus when her mom and stepdad walked in on her boyfriend and her. She and her parents agreed to taking a one week break. She has stayed at our place much of that week (she often stays with us when things get ugly at home), but now her stepdad, who does not get along with her, wants to make that break permanent.

She effectively has a few options:

- try to get her mom to work something out with the stepdad, which would require her to actually stand up to him (the relationship sounds a little abusive according to my son), so I don’t see that happening.

- work something out with her dad, who more or less ignores her existence now that he has remarried.

- move in with the boyfriend and his roommates. I have no idea why she isn’t jumping to that, so I wonder about that relationship.

- couch surf with friends.

- move in with us, which seems like her choice at the moment.

This whole thing is weird and I am irritated at all four of her parents.

[Paul]

Don't get involved. She needs to work this out with them. She's 19 and that's way old enough to learn to work things out with your parents. She can't always run away to your house when things get rough.

[Dr. T is an alien]

It’s not like we just got to know the girl; she and my son have been quite close for years now and she was over often. They even tried dating for a while but decided they were better off as just best friends instead. My wife and I used to jokingly refer to her as our daughter before she ever started staying over at our place. She has been a part of our lives over the years.

Another thing is that none of this drama is new. Last time it got like this with the stepdad (over her objections to his treatment of her mother) she was still in high school so her mother was able to force her dad to take her in. Now that she is over 18 he won’t do that because of reasons that had not been explained to me, though I have theories.

Here’s the thing: she is a college student who cannot afford to support herself. One parent is ignoring her completely while the other is more interested in appeasing her husband than providing for her daughter. I’m uninterested in leaving her to her own devices as that isn’t in her best interest either. Dont get me wrong; I don’t want to be her actual parent. I just am not going t leave her to her own devices if she asks to stay with us some more.

[Dr. T is an alien]

My main purpose was simply to vent a little over how all of her parents suck.

[Deleted]

Sarcastic answer: Can she pay her share of the rent?

Serious answer: If it's pretty clear that the relationship at her place isn't going to get better anytime soon, it's not as if there's a magic fix for that, since you can't pick your parents. What's her status, career or school-wise? Maybe this may help with your decision making.

[Mozenrath]

I think it's cool of you to be there for them, but I get that this is going to be a complex situation.

[Dr. T is an alien]

Feb 12, 2019 22:36:14 GMT -5 @jdogindy said:

Sarcastic answer: Can she pay her share of the rent?

Serious answer: If it's pretty clear that the relationship at her place isn't going to get better anytime soon, it's not as if there's a magic fix for that, since you can't pick your parents. What's her status, career or school-wise? Maybe this may help with your decision making.

To answer your question, she is attending community college right now but was already accepted to a 4 year school in your neck of the woods for the fall. She already has a roommate lined up, though I cannot vouch for how she will pay for everything. She does work part time but if she isn’t getting any parental support it sounds like student loans are in her future.

[Deleted]

Feb 12, 2019 21:42:13 GMT -5 Dr. T is an alien said:

My son’s best friend apparently suffered a case of coitus interruptus when her mom and stepdad walked in on her boyfriend and her. She and her parents agreed to taking a one week break. She has stayed at our place much of that week (she often stays with us when things get ugly at home), but now her stepdad, who does not get along with her, wants to make that break permanent.

She effectively has a few options:

- try to get her mom to work something out with the stepdad, which would require her to actually stand up to him (the relationship sounds a little abusive according to my son), so I don’t see that happening.

- work something out with her dad, who more or less ignores her existence now that he has remarried.

- move in with the boyfriend and his roommates. I have no idea why she isn’t jumping to that, so I wonder about that relationship.

- couch surf with friends.

- move in with us, which seems like her choice at the moment.

This whole thing is weird and I am irritated at all four of her parents.

I think it is amazing that you are providing a place for her to feel comfortable as she completes her schooling. Also I think the "move in with boyfriend and roommates" is a bad idea and that the relationship and his relationship with his friends will suffer for it at this age. They are best living together alone or separate right now in my opinion. Stay strong Dr. your definitely doing good work.

[Mister Pigwell]

Adopting an 18 year old, her daugter, her boyfriend, her drama (which included her attempted ruining of a young aspiring police officer's life he's still working on fixing, her meth head mama, and her awful step father) a few years back nearly drove me over the edge and I mean that inthe most dramatic way imaginable. Best of luck. You're gonna need it because these situations are trouble.

[Mozenrath]

Feb 12, 2019 23:08:19 GMT -5 Mister Pigwell said:

Adopting an 18 year old, her daugter, her boyfriend, her drama (which included her attempted ruining of a young aspiring police officer's life he's still working on fixing, her meth head mama, and her awful step father) a few years back nearly drove me over the edge and I mean that inthe most dramatic way imaginable. Best of luck. You're gonna need it because these situations are trouble.

They'd have to work double-time for this girl to be half as bad as "Bob", to be fair.

[Deleted]

Feb 12, 2019 22:57:16 GMT -5 Dr. T is an alien said:

Feb 12, 2019 22:36:14 GMT -5 @jdogindy said:

Sarcastic answer: Can she pay her share of the rent?

Serious answer: If it's pretty clear that the relationship at her place isn't going to get better anytime soon, it's not as if there's a magic fix for that, since you can't pick your parents. What's her status, career or school-wise? Maybe this may help with your decision making.

To answer your question, she is attending community college right now but was already accepted to a 4 year school in your neck of the woods for the fall. She already has a roommate lined up, though I cannot vouch for how she will pay for everything. She does work part time but if she isn’t getting any parental support it sounds like student loans are in her future.

Hmm... that depends on what school it is you're talking about. Butler or IUPUI? I mean, both are alright, it's just they're different neighborhoods and have their own unique set of issues she might deal with this fall, although if it's IUPUI, we finally have a downtown Kroger, which would help with food.

She could also try for FAFSA, which is what I used to get into community college. It can help her out quite a bit, and it's not too early to start the application.

EDIT: Yes, I know there's other schools in the area, like UIndy and Marian, but those were the ones my mind went to quickly.

[bibboid]

I salute you for being a good person.

My neighbor took in a twenty-something in for about two years. It was his daughter's boyfriend. The kid had lived with his dad who owned several houses in the area. One day, the dad told the don that he was selling all his properties and moving to Washington state. The kid worked construction and laid cash for everything. He had no credit and could not get a lease and his dad refused to co-sign for him. Neighbor took him in and helped him establish credit and get an apartment of his own.

["Gizzark" Mike Wronglevenay]

Feb 12, 2019 22:35:28 GMT -5 Dr. T is an alien said:

My main purpose was simply to vent a little over how all of her parents suck.

Her parents do suck. They absolutely f***ing suck, and it sounds like her boyfriend does too.

Whether you let her move in or not, whether it's permanent or not, you are not a bad person. Just in case you needed to be told that.

[Mecca]

Something I've learned about stuff like this over the years, we have kids that are 19, 18 16 and 15. Most if not all teenagers are super difficult and drama filled which is difficult to deal with to begin with. A lot of times they'll present their story to their friends and even friends parents very differently than the real story...had some of those experiences on both sides.

Just know what you're getting into.

[SHAKEMASTER TV9 is Don Knotts]

Yes, she should do the FAFSA application. Because she is 24 years old, it will ask for parent information which it doesn't sound she can provide. She can skip it, but will have to speak to the Financial Aid office at her school about Professional Judgement., that overrides the requirement for parent information. She'll tell them her situation and they'll her what she can provide them.

It would be worth it because without parent financial info, her Expected Family Contribution or EFC will be lower and she'll qualify for more Federal Aid. Also a FAFSA would be required for her 4 year school's own financial aid program and school scholarships. Do these steps before you start looking at private student loans. See how much the tuition will be covered and then if she still needs money for tuition or other academic needs, then take out a Federal Subsidized Loan which has a fixed interest rate.

[Deleted]

Feb 13, 2019 21:18:31 GMT -5 SHAKEMASTER TV9 is Don Knotts said:

Yes, she should do the FAFSA application. Because she is 24 years old, it will ask for parent information which it doesn't sound she can provide. She can skip it, but will have to speak to the Financial Aid office at her school about Professional Judgement., that overrides the requirement for parent information. She'll tell them her situation and they'll her what she can provide them.

It would be worth it because without parent financial info, her Expected Family Contribution or EFC will be lower and she'll qualify for more Federal Aid. Also a FAFSA would be required for her 4 year school's own financial aid program and school scholarships. Do these steps before you start looking at private student loans. See how much the tuition will be covered and then if she still needs money for tuition or other academic needs, then take out a Federal Subsidized Loan which has a fixed interest rate.

It would be the female equivalent of not filling out for the Selective Service System (something I didn't do, but honestly, it was because I didn't know I was supposed to, and had to explain to both the Financial Aid office, as well as the Selective Service System as to why I didn't, because my mother had failed to inform me of the requirement when I became the family caregiver); not impossible, but it could be a challenge. That said, if she's able to explain it well enough, she should qualify for everything you stated.

[SHAKEMASTER TV9 is Don Knotts]

Feb 13, 2019 21:29:24 GMT -5 @jdogindy said:

Feb 13, 2019 21:18:31 GMT -5 SHAKEMASTER TV9 is Don Knotts said:

Yes, she should do the FAFSA application. Because she is 24 years old, it will ask for parent information which it doesn't sound she can provide. She can skip it, but will have to speak to the Financial Aid office at her school about Professional Judgement., that overrides the requirement for parent information. She'll tell them her situation and they'll her what she can provide them.

It would be worth it because without parent financial info, her Expected Family Contribution or EFC will be lower and she'll qualify for more Federal Aid. Also a FAFSA would be required for her 4 year school's own financial aid program and school scholarships. Do these steps before you start looking at private student loans. See how much the tuition will be covered and then if she still needs money for tuition or other academic needs, then take out a Federal Subsidized Loan which has a fixed interest rate.

It would be the female equivalent of not filling out for the Selective Service System (something I didn't do, but honestly, it was because I didn't know I was supposed to, and had to explain to both the Financial Aid office, as well as the Selective Service System as to why I didn't, because my mother had failed to inform me of the requirement when I became the family caregiver); not impossible, but it could be a challenge. That said, if she's able to explain it well enough, she should qualify for everything you stated.

I work in financial aid, but Selective Service is far simpler at the Community College I work at. You go to the SSS.gov website, print out the form and mail it in with your explanation. What you stated is fine for form. After a few weeks, SSS sends a letter that you are exempt and you bring that to our office and that's it. We have a lot of students who came to the US past 25 years old so they wouldn't even know selective service exists.

Professional Judgement would be more complicated, require some work and may even be messy. I can't advise on what to tell them since that's not my section, but I know it has happened for students contacting parent would not be good for them.

[Limity (BLM)]

Feb 13, 2019 20:40:49 GMT -5 Mecca said:

Something I've learned about stuff like this over the years, we have kids that are 19, 18 16 and 15. Most if not all teenagers are super difficult and drama filled which is difficult to deal with to begin with. A lot of times they'll present their story to their friends and even friends parents very differently than the real story...had some of those experiences on both sides.

Just know what you're getting into.

So much this. The last relationship I was in, my girl's kid moved in and stayed with us the last couple years, and he was horrible. Every millenial stereotype was true with him, on top of being manipulative with his mother, knowing how to appeal to her guilt. When she divorced, she let him stay with her ex, his dad. Ever since she's felt so much guilt about that decision. Many times I told her she had so much unearned guilt she might as well be Catholic.

I've never liked kids, but I made every effort to accommodate him for her sake. We've been apart for a year now, and I still hate him.

To the OP, tread carefully, and try to get as much info as possible that doesn't just come from her. Personally I'm very curious what her stepdad's side of all this is, as I was in his shoes before. Also remember, you don't owe her anything, and may even be harming her by giving her a way out instead of taking responsibility for herself.

[Dr. T is an alien]

So, it appears that the issue is entirely with her stepfather as she spent the evening with her mom until he was due to get home from work.

I think some of you have missed that this girl isn’t a stranger to us. I don’t have to find out what she is about. What’s more, I definitely know my son and I find him to be an excellent judge of character. He actively avoids foolishness and needless drama. While there have been moments over the past couple of years where he believed that she needed to be more mature, he still is very close with her.

[Mister Pigwell]

Feb 14, 2019 21:16:26 GMT -5 Dr. T is an alien said:

So, it appears that the issue is entirely with her stepfather as she spent the evening with her mom until he was due to get home from work.

I think some of you have missed that this girl isn’t a stranger to us. I don’t have to find out what she is about. What’s more, I definitely know my son and I find him to be an excellent judge of character. He actively avoids foolishness and needless drama. While there have been moments over the past couple of years where he believed that she needed to be more mature, he still is very close with her.

I'm sure your situatuon is way better than mine was with this... like Bradley hinted at earlier someone would have to work to be half as bad as my adoptee. Familiarity didn't help, that was someone Miss Piggy has known since the girl was born. Her neice. So close that Miss Piggy even helped raise her at a young age. Then she hit her up as at the time a 17 year old going through some shit and when she was 18 we moved her in, started "adult training", helped her give birth to a an adorable daugter, housed her boyfriend, all while the most cartoonish borderline personality disorder shit hit the fan.
Like I'm 100% your experience will be better. Just keep it in the back of your head to look out for you and yours first and foremost. These things can get real south real fast.