Post by Hulkshi Tanahashi on Dec 24, 2007 18:46:49 GMT -5
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Makes Me Wish For Jar Jar Binks.
I bet you people thought I forgot all about this. Well, I got news for you!!!!
You’re right. I did forget about it. I blame my college. And, my shitty memory. And, my procrastination.
Anyway, this is my Christmas present to you all: another induction into TV Crap:
The Star Wars Holiday Special!!!!
It was 1978. The previous year, “Star Wars” exploded onto the pop culture landscape. It was everywhere. Everyone was going to the theaters to see it. So, it made sense to make more money off of it. Someone at 20th Century Fox suggested to George Lucas and Lucasfilm that they should make a special for Christmas in order to make some more money. And, to that person I say, “Thank you!” with an F, a U, a C, and a big old…well, you know what letter comes next.
This thing is horrible. HORRIBLE!!!! Not even George Lucas likes this thing, and he thought it was a good idea to have Jar Jar Binks on screen. It wasn’t that the stars of “Star Wars” weren’t involve. They were:
Mark Hamill was there, looking like Dorothy Hamill. Harrison Ford was there, thinking that this crappy special better lead to a big career. And, Carrie Fisher was there, coked out of her mind, most likely to get through this thing.
But, what went wrong!? Well, Lucas agreed to do the special in order to keep people interested in “Star Wars” until “The Empire Strikes Back” came out. He sat down with the show's producers, Ken and Mitzie Welch, and penned a basic story outline for what he wanted to happen in the show. However, in later drafts of the script, the Welch’s intervened and rewrote much of what Lucas had intended. The plot remained, but the content was vastly different. After five drafts and many additions, subtractions, and changes to Lucas' original concept for the film, the script was completed sometime in October 1978. And, that is why we have this special as it is today: because Lucas’s original idea was changed beyond recognition. Also, he was busy with “Empire” and couldn’t be fully involved with the Special past writing the plot outline.
So, let get to this Christmas Special. Wait, did I say “Christmas”? I meant to say “Holiday.” You see, in the Star Wars universe, there isn’t a Christmas because a Christ-like figure wasn’t present in any of the Star Wars religions. Though, I can’t be the only one who thinks a Jedi Jesus would be awesome!!!! Anyway, there needed to be a Christmas substitute: Life Day.
The plot revolves around Chewbacca. I don’t know why; I guess to make up for the fact he didn’t get a medal at the end of “A New Hope.” Anyway, Chewbacca is on his way home to see his family and to celebrate the holiday, accompanied by his friend, Han Solo. Not long after departing Tatooine in the Millennium Falcon, the duo find themselves chased by two Star Destroyers, which Han derisively refers to as an "Imperial garbage scow." Oh, what an insult! Man, Han Solo is a master of intergalactic biting sarcasm. After a short argument whether they should abort the mission a decision is made to move forward. Han then sends the Falcon into hyperspace. Meanwhile, on Kashyyyk, Chewie's family is anxiously awaiting and preparing for Chewbacca's return. Oh God! Chewbacca’s family!!!!
There’s Malla, Chewie’s wife. Basically the only thing that let’s us know that she’s a she is her red lips, which appears to have lipstick on it. There’s Itchy, Chewie’s father-in-law, who’s bit of a pervert. More on that later. And, then, there’s Lumpy, Chewie’s son.
He’s more annoying than Jar Jar, the Ewoks, and Darth Vader’s “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” in “Revenge of the Sith” combined.
For the most part, they are going on with their everyday lives. However, Chewie's family is a bit nervous, because Chewbacca has not arrived yet. Malla takes down a framed picture of Chewbacca; her father-in-law Itchy, notices her worries and reassures Malla that Chewie is safe, and she replaces the picture. Itchy then gets out a movie (in the form of a futuristic capsule), and gives it to his grandson, Lumpy, to play on their movie device. After the movie is over, the family begins to do various chores. Malla and Itchy begin to worry again. Malla switches on a viewscreen-computer, and runs a search for any starships in the area, hoping that the Falcon will be found in the scan, but the computer returns the result of "no starships in the area." She is deeply disappointed, and switches off the viewscreen. She opens a hidden communication device from within their cabinets — it is a device that allows them to communicate (via the HoloNet) with Chewbacca and the rebellion. Since this type of device is not allowed by the Empire, they must keep it a secret.
Malla contacts Luke Skywalker, who, along with his faithful droid R2-D2, is working on his X-wing starfighter. Luke says he doesn't know what has happened. But knowing Han and Chewie, he suggests that they probably stopped off somewhere and would arrive soon. He tries to cheer here up, which leads to some weird sexual tension between the two.
Ew! This is creepier than when Luke and Leia made out in “Empire.” I guess it’s just me, but I’d rather see incest over bestiality. Anyway, Luke begins to have a few problems of his own when the part he is working on begins to emit a large amount of steam. Seeing that he is busy, Malla shuts off the communication viewscreen.
Next, Malla contacts Saun Dann, a local human trader on the planet. Dann is played by Art Carney. I wonder if Ralph Kramden finally tried to send Alice to the moon but she ducked and he got Norton instead. Anywho, Dann is dealing with a customer when she contacts him, and Malla is able to view the proceedings. An Imperial navy trooper is looking around Dann's shop, but is uninterested in any of Dann's suggestions. Wait a minute. Navy trooper!? The Empire had a navy!? I hope they were better shots then the Stormtroopers. But, I digress. While the guard is still looking at things, Dann notices Malla on the viewscreen, and lets her know through a carefully-worded message that Han and Chewie are on their way, and should be arriving soon. However, he doesn't know of their current whereabouts.
Meanwhile, Darth Vader's star destroyer is orbiting Tatooine. He must be homesick. Or, trying to kill anybody who remembers him as an annoying kid and whiny teen. Got to keep up that badass persona! Vader has been alerted to the escape of the Falcon from the grasp of the Empire. He was not ready to let them escape for the second time, as he has been on the search for the rebels who had destroyed the Death Star not long ago, and was obsessed with locating the ones responsible. Chief Bast, one of the few who had escaped the destruction of the first Death Star, informs Vader that a blockade has been set up around Kashyyyk, and a search started on the planet. Vader is pleased, and instructs him to continue the search.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJlG-BumBHM
Back on the Falcon, Chewie and Han have just come out of hyperspace not far from Kashyyyk. They are completely surprised by the blockade, and immediately begin to do battle with four TIE fighters blocking their way. Meanwhile, back On Kashyyyk, an Imperial officer broadcasts that a blockade has been set up around the planet, and the Empire has declared martial law. Luckily, Bruce Willis won’t be in charge.[/reference to the movie “The Siege.”] Immediately after the announcement, Chewie's family gets a knock at the door. Frightened, Itchy goes to open it and to their relief, it is Saun Dann at the door. If only it had been Darth Maul, and he had decapitated all of them. Saun Dann brings everyone Life Day gifts; a music box for Malla, a box with an unknown present in it for Lumpy, and a memory chip for Itchy. And, by “memory chip,” I mean porn chip.
Remember earlier, when I said that Itchy was a pervert, well this is why. During the Wookie Christmas, Itchy watches porn. But, not just any porno. This stars Dihann Carroll!!!! Apparently, she went through some tough times in between Julia and Dynasty.
Malla then contacts Princess Leia via viewscreen to alert them of Han and Chewie's tardiness. Leia and C-3PO are at a Rebel base, hard at work on something. Leia can offer no help, but does ask if Malla is alone, and is relieved that Saun Dann is there to protect everyone. Sadly, she doesn’t ask if they got anymore space weed. With little help from Leia, Malla switches off the communication device. Malla then goes to watching a cooking special.
This is the first of three appearances of Harvey Korman. I hope he fired his agent after this. In this segment, he plays an intergalactic version of Julia Child, with four arms no less. I don’t know why it’s in this show. Apparently, making fun of Julia Child was all the rage in the late 1970s. Thanks a lot, Dan Aykroyd!
Back on the Falcon, Han and Chewie are approaching Kashyyyk, which is green. Al Gore must run the place. Though, if he did, wouldn’t he think all the Wookies are Manbearpig. They are glad to finally almost be there. There toilet’s broken, and Han needs to pee like Leslie Nielsen in “The Naked Gun.” Han notices the increased Imperial presence, so they decide to land on a safe section of the north side of the planet. However, this is far from the Wookiee household and will be a long walk. Chewbacca protests, but they finally decide to land the ship. As they enter the atmosphere, Lumpy hears the roaring of the ship. Everyone in the Wookiee house gets excited, and all run to the door. Believing Han and Chewie might be at it, Malla opens the door, and find two stormtroopers and two Imperial officers behind it. Sadly, they don’t end this thing by shooting the family.
The Imperials force their way into the house. The head officer checks the house for residents and finds that the male Wookiee, Chewbacca, is missing. He orders a search. The officers rudely look through the house, nearly discovering the hidden communication device. Apparently, there as bad at looking for things as they are at shooting. To try to distract the attention of the Imperials, Saun Dann suggests that he and Malla prepare some food for everyone in the kitchen. While they are doing this, Dann turns on Malla's music video box for one of the officers, who seems to interested more in the music than his duties. This leads to a Jefferson Starship performance. Why Jefferson Starship? They have “Starship” in their name, and it’s a sci-fi special, stupid!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ81wcFL2p8
In case you’re wondering, no, he doesn’t deep throat the microphone. I’m sure some of you are pleased, or disappointed. When the music finishes, the head officer orders the search to continue. Saun Dann sees he cannot help further and leaves. The head officer tells Malla to keep Lumpy busy while they search his room, so Lumpy (and the viewing audience) watches a cartoon on a viewscreen of one of his father's many adventures.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rtPmPDrWjY
Ah, the cartoon. The highlight of this fiasco. It’s the only good thing about it. Sure, the animation is bad. I mean, Luke and Leia look nothing like their real life counterparts. And, Han Solo has become Asian. But, it is decent. And, it has the first appearance of Boba Fett! Yes, the coolest intergalactic bounty hunter this side of Czarnia first appeared in this crappy special. Anyway, here’s the plot to the cartoon: During a search for a talisman, the Millennium Falcon crashes on a water planet known as Panna. Luke and the gang go after them, dispatching from a rebel base in a Y-Wing. Upon landing, they run into Fett, who wants to help them. They all board the Falcon, where Han has been infected by a mysterious sleeping virus caused by the talisman. Luke immediately contracts the virus as well. Fett and Chewie go into Panna City to get the cure for the condition. Once they get into the Imperial-occupied city, Fett instructs Chewie to stay behind while he gets the cure. Once away from Chewie, Fett contacts Darth Vader and informs him of the situation. He reveals that he and Vader are in a plan to reveal the location of the Rebels so that Vader can stop them, as he tried and failed to do previously. Back on the Falcon, as C-3PO is caring for Han and Luke, he and R2-D2 intercept the message between Vader and Fett. After evading the Imperials, Fett and Chewie return to the Falcon with the cure. After everyone recovers from the virus, they all learn of Fett's true allegiances. Fett ignites his jet pack and blasts away, promising that he will meet them all again. Everyone then blasts away from the planet, and back to the rebel base on board the Falcon.
Lumpy shuts off the monitor and applauds it. By this time, the Imperials have trashed everything in Lumpy's room. Even they found Lumpy annoying. Once the Imperials are done there, they move to another part of the house, Lumpy surveys the damage and is very saddened over what they have done to his stuff, and after a moment of sadness, creates a plan for revenge using the gadget Saun Dann gave him earlier for his Life Day present. His plan is to create a communication device that will fool the Imperials into returning to their base by emulating the voice of one of their superiors. Though one has to wonder why he didn’t think of this before they trashed his room. Lumpy’s also stupid. Anyway, Lumpy watches an instructional video, starring Harvey Korman, again. He plays a malfunctioning Amorphian android in this comedy devoid of comedy. Then, we go to Tatooine, for some strange reason.
Harvey Korman shows up again, hoping either Carol Burnett or Mel Brooks calls, saying they have an emergency and need him to film something at the last minute. No such luck, however. In this skit, he plays an alien with a hole in his head. I wish I had a hole in my head. I’d be dead, but I wouldn’t have to watch this think again. But, he’s not alone.
AND THEN THERE’S MAUDE!!!! Yes, Bea Arthur is in this special. She plays the Cantina owner, who likes to dance!
And, sing!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai3oKI8zc8c
And, get hit on by Harvey Korman.
Ewwww! This is worse than the sexual tension between Luke and Malla. Now, if it was Adrienne Barbeau and Lyle Waggoner, that I could get behind. Apparently, the Empire doesn’t want these geriatrics get it on as well, and they issue a curfew on Tatooine, telling everyone to go home.
Lumpy uses this opportunity to put his plan into motion. The Imperials get a repeated call to "return to base." They leave, but the head officer instructs one of the stormtroopers to stay behind. After the other Imperials leave, the stormtrooper still hears the repeating signal. He immediately sees that something is wrong because there are no more radios around. He determines that the sound is coming from upstairs, where he finds Lumpy speaking into the box he had constructed earlier. His voice is being translated and amplified to be more human and deeper. The stormtrooper walks into the room and grabs the box, startling Lumpy. I would be sad that he didn’t shoot Lumpy, but we all know how horrible shots stormtroopers are; and he would have end up shooting himself in the head somehow. The trooper throws the box to the ground, shattering it. Lumpy is frightened, runs down the stairs and out onto the deck, followed closely by the stormtrooper.
As they both run onto the deck, they discover Han and Chewbacca walking up to the door. Chewie runs around the stormtrooper to protect Lumpy as the trooper points his gun at both of them. I don’t know why their worry. You would think the stormtroopers’ legendary bad aim would be universally known. Han backs against the wall, sneaks up behind the stormtrooper attacks the trooper, making the trooper break the railing and fall off of the deck to his death in the deep forests below. Relieved, Han picks up Lumpy and hands him to his father.
WHOA!!!! Some action! Makes the Darth Maul VS Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn fight look like a slap fest.[/sarcasm]
As all three go inside, they find Malla and Itchy are waiting. Han tells them he has taken care of the threat, and everyone is glad to be safe and back together. Chewie and Han hug everyone. Yes, Han Solo, the badass of the galaxy who shot Greedo first, hug a little Wookie. If that doesn’t make you want to vomit, I don’t what will. Oh, wait…
Nevermind.
They want Han to stay, but he says he has to get back to the Falcon before someone finds where he has hidden it. After bidding everyone a heartfelt goodbye, he leaves wishing everyone a happy Life Day. After he leaves, another knock at the door announces the return of Saun Dann, arriving with bags in his hands. Suddenly, the Imperial officer appears on the viewscreen, giving a general alert for a missing stormtrooper, the one that Han has just killed. Realizing the trouble they could be in, Saun Dann quickly claims that the trooper stayed behind after his squad had left as instructed, but then the trooper stole a lot of food from the house and left without a trace. The excuse works, and the officer says he will send out a search party to find the missing trooper. Everyone is relieved as the viewscreen deactivates. Saun Dann wishes the entire family a happy Life Day as he leaves. The family prepares to go the festival at the Tree of Life, gathering crystals together and joining them above their heads.
Magically, along with many other Wookiees, the family is next seen in space, traveling toward a bright star. Apparently, the writers must have been on pot when this was written. Or, pretty much when the whole thing was written. They walk into it, arriving at the great Tree of Life, where many Wookiees dressed in red robes are gathered. As Chewbacca takes the stage, C-3PO and R2-D2 suddenly appear, along with Luke, Leia, and finally Han. He had had a surprise for everyone, as he brought the whole gang back for the celebration. Everyone is glad to be together. Leia gives a short speech on the meaning of Life Day and sings a song in celebration. Sadly, she doesn’t ask for any space cocaine.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgwnNasZje4
At the conclusion of the ceremony, Chewbacca remembers the adventures he had in A New Hope, such as his first meeting with Luke and Leia, their escape from the Death Star, playing dejarik with R2-D2, and the award ceremony after he and Han had helped Luke destroy the Death Star. Then, he throws a huge bitch fest about not getting a medal; but everyone pretends not to understand him. The Wookiees began to file out of the ceremony as his memories end. That night, the Wookiee family: Chewbacca, Mallatobuck, Lumpawarrump, and Attichitcuk all sit at the family table, feasting to celebrate the day and being back together again.
AWWWW!!!!
And, thus ends Star Wars’s first adventure in crapitude. Did you hate it as much as I did? Hell, George Lucas doesn’t even like. He’s even said that he would destroy every bootleg copy if he could. Yes, George Lucas, the man who would put a Star Wars logo on every product in the world if he could and it would make him money doesn’t want anyone to see this thing EVER!!!! And, I don’t blame.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
Or, HAPPY HANNUKKAH!!!!
Or, HAPPY KWANZAA!!!!
Sources: Wikipedia and WrestleCrap.com.
Makes Me Wish For Jar Jar Binks.
I bet you people thought I forgot all about this. Well, I got news for you!!!!
You’re right. I did forget about it. I blame my college. And, my shitty memory. And, my procrastination.
Anyway, this is my Christmas present to you all: another induction into TV Crap:
The Star Wars Holiday Special!!!!
It was 1978. The previous year, “Star Wars” exploded onto the pop culture landscape. It was everywhere. Everyone was going to the theaters to see it. So, it made sense to make more money off of it. Someone at 20th Century Fox suggested to George Lucas and Lucasfilm that they should make a special for Christmas in order to make some more money. And, to that person I say, “Thank you!” with an F, a U, a C, and a big old…well, you know what letter comes next.
This thing is horrible. HORRIBLE!!!! Not even George Lucas likes this thing, and he thought it was a good idea to have Jar Jar Binks on screen. It wasn’t that the stars of “Star Wars” weren’t involve. They were:
Mark Hamill was there, looking like Dorothy Hamill. Harrison Ford was there, thinking that this crappy special better lead to a big career. And, Carrie Fisher was there, coked out of her mind, most likely to get through this thing.
But, what went wrong!? Well, Lucas agreed to do the special in order to keep people interested in “Star Wars” until “The Empire Strikes Back” came out. He sat down with the show's producers, Ken and Mitzie Welch, and penned a basic story outline for what he wanted to happen in the show. However, in later drafts of the script, the Welch’s intervened and rewrote much of what Lucas had intended. The plot remained, but the content was vastly different. After five drafts and many additions, subtractions, and changes to Lucas' original concept for the film, the script was completed sometime in October 1978. And, that is why we have this special as it is today: because Lucas’s original idea was changed beyond recognition. Also, he was busy with “Empire” and couldn’t be fully involved with the Special past writing the plot outline.
So, let get to this Christmas Special. Wait, did I say “Christmas”? I meant to say “Holiday.” You see, in the Star Wars universe, there isn’t a Christmas because a Christ-like figure wasn’t present in any of the Star Wars religions. Though, I can’t be the only one who thinks a Jedi Jesus would be awesome!!!! Anyway, there needed to be a Christmas substitute: Life Day.
The plot revolves around Chewbacca. I don’t know why; I guess to make up for the fact he didn’t get a medal at the end of “A New Hope.” Anyway, Chewbacca is on his way home to see his family and to celebrate the holiday, accompanied by his friend, Han Solo. Not long after departing Tatooine in the Millennium Falcon, the duo find themselves chased by two Star Destroyers, which Han derisively refers to as an "Imperial garbage scow." Oh, what an insult! Man, Han Solo is a master of intergalactic biting sarcasm. After a short argument whether they should abort the mission a decision is made to move forward. Han then sends the Falcon into hyperspace. Meanwhile, on Kashyyyk, Chewie's family is anxiously awaiting and preparing for Chewbacca's return. Oh God! Chewbacca’s family!!!!
There’s Malla, Chewie’s wife. Basically the only thing that let’s us know that she’s a she is her red lips, which appears to have lipstick on it. There’s Itchy, Chewie’s father-in-law, who’s bit of a pervert. More on that later. And, then, there’s Lumpy, Chewie’s son.
He’s more annoying than Jar Jar, the Ewoks, and Darth Vader’s “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” in “Revenge of the Sith” combined.
For the most part, they are going on with their everyday lives. However, Chewie's family is a bit nervous, because Chewbacca has not arrived yet. Malla takes down a framed picture of Chewbacca; her father-in-law Itchy, notices her worries and reassures Malla that Chewie is safe, and she replaces the picture. Itchy then gets out a movie (in the form of a futuristic capsule), and gives it to his grandson, Lumpy, to play on their movie device. After the movie is over, the family begins to do various chores. Malla and Itchy begin to worry again. Malla switches on a viewscreen-computer, and runs a search for any starships in the area, hoping that the Falcon will be found in the scan, but the computer returns the result of "no starships in the area." She is deeply disappointed, and switches off the viewscreen. She opens a hidden communication device from within their cabinets — it is a device that allows them to communicate (via the HoloNet) with Chewbacca and the rebellion. Since this type of device is not allowed by the Empire, they must keep it a secret.
Malla contacts Luke Skywalker, who, along with his faithful droid R2-D2, is working on his X-wing starfighter. Luke says he doesn't know what has happened. But knowing Han and Chewie, he suggests that they probably stopped off somewhere and would arrive soon. He tries to cheer here up, which leads to some weird sexual tension between the two.
Ew! This is creepier than when Luke and Leia made out in “Empire.” I guess it’s just me, but I’d rather see incest over bestiality. Anyway, Luke begins to have a few problems of his own when the part he is working on begins to emit a large amount of steam. Seeing that he is busy, Malla shuts off the communication viewscreen.
Next, Malla contacts Saun Dann, a local human trader on the planet. Dann is played by Art Carney. I wonder if Ralph Kramden finally tried to send Alice to the moon but she ducked and he got Norton instead. Anywho, Dann is dealing with a customer when she contacts him, and Malla is able to view the proceedings. An Imperial navy trooper is looking around Dann's shop, but is uninterested in any of Dann's suggestions. Wait a minute. Navy trooper!? The Empire had a navy!? I hope they were better shots then the Stormtroopers. But, I digress. While the guard is still looking at things, Dann notices Malla on the viewscreen, and lets her know through a carefully-worded message that Han and Chewie are on their way, and should be arriving soon. However, he doesn't know of their current whereabouts.
Meanwhile, Darth Vader's star destroyer is orbiting Tatooine. He must be homesick. Or, trying to kill anybody who remembers him as an annoying kid and whiny teen. Got to keep up that badass persona! Vader has been alerted to the escape of the Falcon from the grasp of the Empire. He was not ready to let them escape for the second time, as he has been on the search for the rebels who had destroyed the Death Star not long ago, and was obsessed with locating the ones responsible. Chief Bast, one of the few who had escaped the destruction of the first Death Star, informs Vader that a blockade has been set up around Kashyyyk, and a search started on the planet. Vader is pleased, and instructs him to continue the search.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJlG-BumBHM
Back on the Falcon, Chewie and Han have just come out of hyperspace not far from Kashyyyk. They are completely surprised by the blockade, and immediately begin to do battle with four TIE fighters blocking their way. Meanwhile, back On Kashyyyk, an Imperial officer broadcasts that a blockade has been set up around the planet, and the Empire has declared martial law. Luckily, Bruce Willis won’t be in charge.[/reference to the movie “The Siege.”] Immediately after the announcement, Chewie's family gets a knock at the door. Frightened, Itchy goes to open it and to their relief, it is Saun Dann at the door. If only it had been Darth Maul, and he had decapitated all of them. Saun Dann brings everyone Life Day gifts; a music box for Malla, a box with an unknown present in it for Lumpy, and a memory chip for Itchy. And, by “memory chip,” I mean porn chip.
Remember earlier, when I said that Itchy was a pervert, well this is why. During the Wookie Christmas, Itchy watches porn. But, not just any porno. This stars Dihann Carroll!!!! Apparently, she went through some tough times in between Julia and Dynasty.
Malla then contacts Princess Leia via viewscreen to alert them of Han and Chewie's tardiness. Leia and C-3PO are at a Rebel base, hard at work on something. Leia can offer no help, but does ask if Malla is alone, and is relieved that Saun Dann is there to protect everyone. Sadly, she doesn’t ask if they got anymore space weed. With little help from Leia, Malla switches off the communication device. Malla then goes to watching a cooking special.
This is the first of three appearances of Harvey Korman. I hope he fired his agent after this. In this segment, he plays an intergalactic version of Julia Child, with four arms no less. I don’t know why it’s in this show. Apparently, making fun of Julia Child was all the rage in the late 1970s. Thanks a lot, Dan Aykroyd!
Back on the Falcon, Han and Chewie are approaching Kashyyyk, which is green. Al Gore must run the place. Though, if he did, wouldn’t he think all the Wookies are Manbearpig. They are glad to finally almost be there. There toilet’s broken, and Han needs to pee like Leslie Nielsen in “The Naked Gun.” Han notices the increased Imperial presence, so they decide to land on a safe section of the north side of the planet. However, this is far from the Wookiee household and will be a long walk. Chewbacca protests, but they finally decide to land the ship. As they enter the atmosphere, Lumpy hears the roaring of the ship. Everyone in the Wookiee house gets excited, and all run to the door. Believing Han and Chewie might be at it, Malla opens the door, and find two stormtroopers and two Imperial officers behind it. Sadly, they don’t end this thing by shooting the family.
The Imperials force their way into the house. The head officer checks the house for residents and finds that the male Wookiee, Chewbacca, is missing. He orders a search. The officers rudely look through the house, nearly discovering the hidden communication device. Apparently, there as bad at looking for things as they are at shooting. To try to distract the attention of the Imperials, Saun Dann suggests that he and Malla prepare some food for everyone in the kitchen. While they are doing this, Dann turns on Malla's music video box for one of the officers, who seems to interested more in the music than his duties. This leads to a Jefferson Starship performance. Why Jefferson Starship? They have “Starship” in their name, and it’s a sci-fi special, stupid!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ81wcFL2p8
In case you’re wondering, no, he doesn’t deep throat the microphone. I’m sure some of you are pleased, or disappointed. When the music finishes, the head officer orders the search to continue. Saun Dann sees he cannot help further and leaves. The head officer tells Malla to keep Lumpy busy while they search his room, so Lumpy (and the viewing audience) watches a cartoon on a viewscreen of one of his father's many adventures.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rtPmPDrWjY
Ah, the cartoon. The highlight of this fiasco. It’s the only good thing about it. Sure, the animation is bad. I mean, Luke and Leia look nothing like their real life counterparts. And, Han Solo has become Asian. But, it is decent. And, it has the first appearance of Boba Fett! Yes, the coolest intergalactic bounty hunter this side of Czarnia first appeared in this crappy special. Anyway, here’s the plot to the cartoon: During a search for a talisman, the Millennium Falcon crashes on a water planet known as Panna. Luke and the gang go after them, dispatching from a rebel base in a Y-Wing. Upon landing, they run into Fett, who wants to help them. They all board the Falcon, where Han has been infected by a mysterious sleeping virus caused by the talisman. Luke immediately contracts the virus as well. Fett and Chewie go into Panna City to get the cure for the condition. Once they get into the Imperial-occupied city, Fett instructs Chewie to stay behind while he gets the cure. Once away from Chewie, Fett contacts Darth Vader and informs him of the situation. He reveals that he and Vader are in a plan to reveal the location of the Rebels so that Vader can stop them, as he tried and failed to do previously. Back on the Falcon, as C-3PO is caring for Han and Luke, he and R2-D2 intercept the message between Vader and Fett. After evading the Imperials, Fett and Chewie return to the Falcon with the cure. After everyone recovers from the virus, they all learn of Fett's true allegiances. Fett ignites his jet pack and blasts away, promising that he will meet them all again. Everyone then blasts away from the planet, and back to the rebel base on board the Falcon.
Lumpy shuts off the monitor and applauds it. By this time, the Imperials have trashed everything in Lumpy's room. Even they found Lumpy annoying. Once the Imperials are done there, they move to another part of the house, Lumpy surveys the damage and is very saddened over what they have done to his stuff, and after a moment of sadness, creates a plan for revenge using the gadget Saun Dann gave him earlier for his Life Day present. His plan is to create a communication device that will fool the Imperials into returning to their base by emulating the voice of one of their superiors. Though one has to wonder why he didn’t think of this before they trashed his room. Lumpy’s also stupid. Anyway, Lumpy watches an instructional video, starring Harvey Korman, again. He plays a malfunctioning Amorphian android in this comedy devoid of comedy. Then, we go to Tatooine, for some strange reason.
Harvey Korman shows up again, hoping either Carol Burnett or Mel Brooks calls, saying they have an emergency and need him to film something at the last minute. No such luck, however. In this skit, he plays an alien with a hole in his head. I wish I had a hole in my head. I’d be dead, but I wouldn’t have to watch this think again. But, he’s not alone.
AND THEN THERE’S MAUDE!!!! Yes, Bea Arthur is in this special. She plays the Cantina owner, who likes to dance!
And, sing!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai3oKI8zc8c
And, get hit on by Harvey Korman.
Ewwww! This is worse than the sexual tension between Luke and Malla. Now, if it was Adrienne Barbeau and Lyle Waggoner, that I could get behind. Apparently, the Empire doesn’t want these geriatrics get it on as well, and they issue a curfew on Tatooine, telling everyone to go home.
Lumpy uses this opportunity to put his plan into motion. The Imperials get a repeated call to "return to base." They leave, but the head officer instructs one of the stormtroopers to stay behind. After the other Imperials leave, the stormtrooper still hears the repeating signal. He immediately sees that something is wrong because there are no more radios around. He determines that the sound is coming from upstairs, where he finds Lumpy speaking into the box he had constructed earlier. His voice is being translated and amplified to be more human and deeper. The stormtrooper walks into the room and grabs the box, startling Lumpy. I would be sad that he didn’t shoot Lumpy, but we all know how horrible shots stormtroopers are; and he would have end up shooting himself in the head somehow. The trooper throws the box to the ground, shattering it. Lumpy is frightened, runs down the stairs and out onto the deck, followed closely by the stormtrooper.
As they both run onto the deck, they discover Han and Chewbacca walking up to the door. Chewie runs around the stormtrooper to protect Lumpy as the trooper points his gun at both of them. I don’t know why their worry. You would think the stormtroopers’ legendary bad aim would be universally known. Han backs against the wall, sneaks up behind the stormtrooper attacks the trooper, making the trooper break the railing and fall off of the deck to his death in the deep forests below. Relieved, Han picks up Lumpy and hands him to his father.
WHOA!!!! Some action! Makes the Darth Maul VS Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn fight look like a slap fest.[/sarcasm]
As all three go inside, they find Malla and Itchy are waiting. Han tells them he has taken care of the threat, and everyone is glad to be safe and back together. Chewie and Han hug everyone. Yes, Han Solo, the badass of the galaxy who shot Greedo first, hug a little Wookie. If that doesn’t make you want to vomit, I don’t what will. Oh, wait…
Nevermind.
They want Han to stay, but he says he has to get back to the Falcon before someone finds where he has hidden it. After bidding everyone a heartfelt goodbye, he leaves wishing everyone a happy Life Day. After he leaves, another knock at the door announces the return of Saun Dann, arriving with bags in his hands. Suddenly, the Imperial officer appears on the viewscreen, giving a general alert for a missing stormtrooper, the one that Han has just killed. Realizing the trouble they could be in, Saun Dann quickly claims that the trooper stayed behind after his squad had left as instructed, but then the trooper stole a lot of food from the house and left without a trace. The excuse works, and the officer says he will send out a search party to find the missing trooper. Everyone is relieved as the viewscreen deactivates. Saun Dann wishes the entire family a happy Life Day as he leaves. The family prepares to go the festival at the Tree of Life, gathering crystals together and joining them above their heads.
Magically, along with many other Wookiees, the family is next seen in space, traveling toward a bright star. Apparently, the writers must have been on pot when this was written. Or, pretty much when the whole thing was written. They walk into it, arriving at the great Tree of Life, where many Wookiees dressed in red robes are gathered. As Chewbacca takes the stage, C-3PO and R2-D2 suddenly appear, along with Luke, Leia, and finally Han. He had had a surprise for everyone, as he brought the whole gang back for the celebration. Everyone is glad to be together. Leia gives a short speech on the meaning of Life Day and sings a song in celebration. Sadly, she doesn’t ask for any space cocaine.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgwnNasZje4
At the conclusion of the ceremony, Chewbacca remembers the adventures he had in A New Hope, such as his first meeting with Luke and Leia, their escape from the Death Star, playing dejarik with R2-D2, and the award ceremony after he and Han had helped Luke destroy the Death Star. Then, he throws a huge bitch fest about not getting a medal; but everyone pretends not to understand him. The Wookiees began to file out of the ceremony as his memories end. That night, the Wookiee family: Chewbacca, Mallatobuck, Lumpawarrump, and Attichitcuk all sit at the family table, feasting to celebrate the day and being back together again.
AWWWW!!!!
And, thus ends Star Wars’s first adventure in crapitude. Did you hate it as much as I did? Hell, George Lucas doesn’t even like. He’s even said that he would destroy every bootleg copy if he could. Yes, George Lucas, the man who would put a Star Wars logo on every product in the world if he could and it would make him money doesn’t want anyone to see this thing EVER!!!! And, I don’t blame.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
Or, HAPPY HANNUKKAH!!!!
Or, HAPPY KWANZAA!!!!
Sources: Wikipedia and WrestleCrap.com.
