EWT Talk Show Appearances II

[Toom E. Guci]

In preperation for Sunday's big show, it is time once again for good publicity for EWT. The following is the list of folks scheduled to appear on the Talk Show Circuit. Have fun.

Live with Regis & Kelly
Chance Confidence & Merc

Howard Stern Show
Chrysta

Adam Carolla Show
Maelstrom

Best Damn Sports Show, Period
Crauswell

Cold Pizza
Curly Long & Mr. Big

Bozo the Clown Show
Clown Girl

The View
Principal Pain

Wrestlecrap Radio
Spyke Johannson

Ellen DeGeneres Show
Billy "the Virgin" Ubermark

Jerry Springer
Team Ireland

TRL
HeartBreak Hitman Brett Micheals
&
Ratings

Wake Up San Fransisco
Gasoline

Oprah
Prophecy Reborn

Maury Povich
Raskall & Trunk

Jay Leno
Andy Duke

Late Show with David Letterman
Chris Indigo
&
Marcus Saxton

Space Ghost Coast to Coast
Paul Podanski

Place appearances in this thread & have fun.

[Rick Raskall]

Outside the television studio in Chicago where the Maury Povich Show is taped.

Hundreds of EWT fans are gathered outside the studio doors waiting for the arrival of EWT superstars Rick Raskall and Marcus Trunk. Everyone is looking down the street for a limousine, a fancy car, anything that signals their arrival.

Suddenly, a large helicopter flies into view, and begins to descend rather close to the building. Through the high winds, the people try to see what's going on. When the helicopter shuts off, the hatch door, opens and out step Raskall and Trunk to thunderous applause. Raskall has the Don Johnson look going, with a white jacket and pants and a pastel blue shirt, while Trunk is simply wearing a black tank top and jeans. They make their way through the throng of screaming fans, with the two of them signing autograph books, DVDs, posters, T-shirts, boobs, anything that the public thrusts out at them.

When they finally get to the door, Raskall gives the people a wink and a salute, while Trunk pumps his fist. The security guards manage to get them in the door and close it.

Raskall: Wow! Lot of hoopla for just the Maury show. So, do we have time to chill out and hang in the Green Room for awhile?

Guard: No, you're actually about ten minutes late. You're supposed to be on in about two minutes.

Raskall: Ahh! No time for makeup! Oh well, at least I've got a face for television. Come on, let's hurry it up!


Set of the Maury Povich Show

Maury: Cletus Podunkle...you are NOT the father.

Some smelly toothless redneck cries as his 300-pound wife cradles her half-black-half-Asian baby in her arms.

Cletus: But ah wuz so sure! He's mah babeh! He gots tuh be mah babeh!

Maury: I'm sorry, but did you think that this baby, who looks nothing like you, could possibly be yours? I mean, he's half black and half Asian! And your wife is white! How could it possibly be yours?

Cletus: Ah luv him so much! He gots tuh be mine! He mah babeh! He mah babeh!

Maury: Well, there you have it. Some idiot rednecks never learn. Anyway, let's shift our focus to the world of professional wrestling. The virtually unknown wrestling promotion, the Extreme Wrestlecrap Threaderation, or EWT, is hugely popular among the, shall we say, "underground" wrestling fan. This Sunday, Christmas Eve, in Iraq, no less, they will be holding a Pay-Per-View event entitled Season's Beatings. With us tonight, we have the number one contenders to the EWT Tag Team Titles, and will be facing Team Ireland at Season's Beatings, please give a warm welcome to Rick Raskall and Marcus Trunk!

Nazareth's "Hair of the Dog" plays as Raskall and Trunk enter to a very good reception. Raskall and Trunk shake an incredulous Maury's hand. They all take a seat.

Maury: Wow! Lot of EWT fans here tonight! So tell me guys, how does it feel to be going over to Iraq and entertaining the troops this holiday season?

Raskall: It's a great feeling. We entertain great fans all the time, but to go over there and perform in front of people who are fighting for our country is really something special.

Trunk: Yeah, especially those guys who have been out there for years and need something to remind them of home.

Maury: This will be the third time that EWT has gone overseas to Iraq. You guys went last year on that trip. Tell me about it.

Trunk: It's great to meet those men and women who have dedicated their lives to what they're doing. I mean, we get called tough because we fight in a wrestling ring almost every day, but those guys really have heart.

Maury: Speaking of toughness, Marcus Trunk, in your short EWT tenure, you've done some incredible stunts that have awed the crowd. Here's a clip taken from a recent EWT program. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is a rather unusual match. Why don't you guys tell us about it?

Raskall: This one's called "Escalator to Heaven". What happens is that there's an escalator in the ring, and you have to go up the escalator and grab the titles to win. Oh yeah, the tag team titles were on the line that night.

Maury: And this was your first match against Team Ireland, correct?

Raskall: Yeah. This is where the whole thing started. What you'll see here is the end of the match. Trunk's about to finish 'em off, but...well, just watch.


Roll Footage

*Trunk manages to finally get an advantage over Sean McCann. Marcus delivers a big knee to the gut of McCann. Sean doubles over & Trunk grabs him, setting Sean up on his shoulders in a powerbomb position. Trunk continues to hold McCann like this as he runs up the escalator.*
Russ: This must've been what Trunk was planning earlier! He’s going to powerbomb McCann through that stack of tables!

*As Trunk makes it to the top of the escalator he takes a leap off. Sean McCann, who just suddenly came to his senses, reaches up & grabs a hold of the tag-team belts, taking them down with him, just as he & Trunk go crashing through the stack of tables! The crowd explodes into another "HO-LY S***! HO-LY S***!" chant!*

End Footage


Maury: Wow! Marcus, what was going through your mind when you went up that escalator?

Trunk: I was hoping to finish the guy off, not to mention trying not to kill myself, but he ended up grabbing the belts anyway.

Maury: It's somewhat reminiscent of the fall that you took over a year ago at the PPV event called Rebirth. You fell 40 feet off of a scaffold, with a 500-plus-pound man on your back! What were you thinking during that one?

Trunk: I ain't gonna talk about that.

Maury: Are you sure? Doesn't it burn in your memory? Does it haunt you every waking moment? Don't you just want to take an ice pick and stab it through your brain just to make the hurting stop? If you feel that bad about it...

Trunk: ENOUGH!!!!!

Maury is shaken, his eyes glazed over. He appears to have wet himself.

Raskall: It's a touchy subject, Maury. Everybody knows you like to screw with people's emotions, but how many of the people you've tormented can snap your neck with his little finger? Huh? How many?

Maury: Uh, alright then, moving on...Season's Beatings, you two get another title shot against Team Ireland. Your thoughts?

Raskall: We "think" that it's in the bag, Maury. We may be outmanned five to two, but two intelligent minds beat out five guys burned out on Guinness and too many shots ot the head. So Team Ireland, put away your crack pipes and your beer bongs, because Raskall and Trunk are coming for your tag team titles!

Maury: Alright, let's get some questions from the audience.

Maury goes into the audience, first approaching a rather overweight girl wearing a sweater with a picture of Rick Raskall stuck onto it.

Overweight Girl: Hi, Rick! (finger wave) I just wanted to say that I've watched all your matches and I think you're so cute and that's all!

Raskall blows her a kiss as Maury moves on, this time to a black guy wearing an Eagles hoodie.

Black Guy: Yo, dawg, you guys are da dawg! Marcus Trunk, you da dawg, dawg! Yea Yea!

Raskall and Trunk kind of nod and smile. Maury moves on to a hot blonde girl with big boobs and a half-shirt. The crowd hoots and hollers.

Hot Girl: You guys, are like, so hot, and like, I wanna get to know you and stuff, and like, Marcus Trunk is like, so hot!

Trunk: (signaling) Come here!

The girl looks around, looking amazed.

Trunk: Come on down!

Maury escorts the girl down to the stage. Trunk taps on his knee, and the girl sits on his lap.

Maury: Okay, we have time for one more question.

Maury goes to a man wearing a black hoodie. He's hunched over, so his face is mostly obscured.

Man: I think Raskall and Trunk are highly overrated. Team Ireland is the best team to have ever held those titles, and Raskall and Trunk are just another team trying to steal their glory. The only reason to watch Season's Beatings this Sunday will be to watch Raskall and Trunk get theirs, because...THEY WILL NEVER BEAT THE IRISH!!

The man pulls off his hood to reveal Coach O'Hare!

O'Hare: Get 'em, boys!

Team Ireland comes running out of the backstage area! The blonde girl screams and runs off as Raskall and Trunk try to fight off the Irish bastards. Security guards pour in to try and stop the melee. The fans chant "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" as an embarrassed Maury appears on screen.

Maury: We have to take a commercial break! Hopefully this will be over by the time we get back. And hopefully we won't book any more wrestlers for this show. Ever again.

[teamireland]

*The Jerry Springer show (recorded ealier this week, before EWT left for Iraq) returns from commercial. Already seated on the stage are a ridiculously overweight woman with a dream of being a stripper, her distraught mother, her angry boyfriend & a black man who wants to be a member of the KKK. The audience are chanting "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!". Springer waves his hands a little to get them to calm down.*
Jerry: Now I'd like to switch gears for a little moment as we talk about the troops out in Iraq at this time of year. As always, our thoughts are with you guys & we hope you stay safe. But there are some people going out to Iraq on a USO-type mission to help lift the spirits of you guys. I'd like to introduce my next guests EWT wrestlers TEAM IRELAND!
*The usual Springer theme starts & Team Ireland march out from backstage clad in Team Ireland T-shirts. They're not too happy to be deprived of their usual entrance music. All five men take seats, Sean McCann waves & winks at the fat stripper woman.*
Jerry: So you guys are heading out to Iraq to entertain our troops, is that right?
O'Hare: YOUR troops, Jerry! Not ours! We're not in support of what's going on out there.
*This remark draws boos from the redneck audience.*
Jerry: If you don't support it why even go?
O'Hare: Aidan & Sean are the tag-team champions is why! Big Shane has a chance to exact some vengeance on behalf of Dr. Vivian Anemone is why. Liam has the chance to beat the hell out of a cowering Frenchman is why! All these lads are going to be in action on the show...
Jerry: What is the name of the show?
O'Hare: Oh... Season's Beatings. All thes lads will be in action & will all beat the hell out of their opponents in front of those mindless military drones.
*More boos*
Jerry: Why don't you tell us a little bit about your matches?
Liam: I'll go first here. See that wee French guy? He thinks such hot s***! He even pointed out that France has been a place where one of the "all-time greats" of wrestling came from. Andre the Giant. Andre? An overweight, smelly. barley mobile guy is the best wrestler in French history? A guy whose most well-known feat is LOSING at WrestleMania III? Mysth wants to draw comparisons between himself & Andre? That's fine, but come Season's Beatings, I will prove to be his Hulk Hogan!
*Boo-Urns!*
O'Hare: I'll talk on Shane's behalf here. At the show we'll be defending the honour of Dr. Vivian Anemone. A lovely young woman who has been dsgraced by a man she helped bring to tag-team gold in EWT. And speaking of tag-team gold... Aidan?
Aidan: Aye. We'll be defending these sexy, shiny belts against a pair of eejits we already defeated for them.
Sean: Those guys Raskall & Trunk. They think they're so feckin' great! Like they're absolute studs & s***! Every time we've seen them over the past month or so... we've had their number! They can't possibly compare to...

*Suddenly, Raskall & Trunk run out from the audience & attack Team Ireland. Sean tries to sneak away from the attack & chat-up the 580lb stripper, but Trunk grabs a handful of Sean's hair. The obligatory Jerry Springer brawl has broken out. Furniture has gone flying & here come the show's security guards to brak things up. The audience begins chanting "STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!" as Steve grabs Coach O'Hare & tries to subdue the Irishman. Other security guards drag Raskall & trunk away, until the two tag-title contenders break free & run back at Team Ireland again. Fists are flying & chairs & Hurley's are getting broken before security restrains Raskall & Trunk again before finally getting the guys out of there.*
Raskall: YOU **** ***** **** ** ***** ***** TILL THE HANDLE BREAKS OFF & YOU HAVE TO BUY A NEW ONE!!!
Liam: YEAH! WELL YER MA ***** ****** ***** ****, SO SHE DOES!
Jerry:... And now it's time for my Final Thought.
*O'Hare smacks Springer with what's left of his Hurley.*
O'Hare It's time for MY Final Thought! Podanski, Mysth, Raskall & Trunk: None of you, NOT ONE OF YOU WILL EVER BEAT THE IRISH!
*The Springer theme plays again, the audience boos, Sean McCann makes out with the overweight stripper as her boyfriend & mother grow angrier & more distraught respectively & then it's time for commercials.*

[The Line]

We return from commercial break to see Jay Leno at his desk. As the band fades out, Jay talking.

Leno: Now my next guest can't be here in person, but we've got him live via satelite from Bagdad, Iraq. EWT Superstar and one of four men who will be in the EWT Toolshed title match this Sunday, Christmas Eve, at the Season's Beatings PPV, "Insecticidal" Andy Duke.

The Band plays a jazzy version of "Ready to Die" as a Screen lowers and the video feed of Andy is put up.
Leno: So as I said earlier, you're over in Bagdad.
Duke: Yep, we left yesterday, and got here just a hour or so ago, so forgive me if I'm a little jet-lagged.
Leno: I don't blame you. So I understand EWT, the wrestling company you're with right now, does this every year?
Duke: Yeah, this is the third year they've come over and done this. This is my first time over. Its pretty awe inspiring to be over here.
Leno: I bet. So you're match on Sunday is a little extreme?
Duke: Totally. Its the first ever of its kind in EWT. A lighttube-C4 match for the toolshed title. You know, lighttubes? The ones you find in offices. Well they are legal, as are the explosive C4. To say that this match is dangerous is an understatment. One, if not more of us could not walk out of there on his own accord. This could end careers. Its a hostile match in an even more hostile enviroment.
Leno: So tell what its like working with Chris Indigo, Marcus Saxton and Spyke Johansson.
Duke: They're great guys. I mean, its just great working with 3 guys who love the business so much. But when we step into the ring, we know its all business. Many people, just by watching our matches probably think we hate eachother, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. yeah, we disagree, a lot, but I'll still go grab dinner with them after the show more likely than not.
Leno: So, you just got done filming and airing a multiple part segment, Journey to Hell, which was critically acclaimed not just in the wrestling world but outside it,too. Care to talk anymore about that?
Duke: Well, a lot of people thought I was just making up everything I said in those segments, but really, I don't care. I said what needed to be said, and I am more prepared for my match on Sunday than I have been for any match in my life.
Leno: Got anything else to say?
Duke: After Sunday night, I am either coming home with the belt, or coming home in a box!

[HMARK Center]

</taped earlier, before the EWT talent left for Iraq>

Oprah Winfrey: We often hear tales of women trying to make it in a "man's world", but I think, today, we might have the ultimate example of it! Please welcome Miss Auraelia, of the Extreme Wrestlecrap Threaderation!

<The crowd applauds as Auraelia wanders out, dressed in jeans and a fitted t-shirt, and seemingly confused. She takes a seat next next to Oprah, who puts a hand on her shoulder>

Oprah: Welcome to the show, honey, and good on you for showing that women can succeed in a male-dominated workplace!

Auraelia: Wait, what? I thought we were just gonna be hyping the show...

Oprah: Nonsense! What you, and all those other wonderful ladies in the EWT have shown, is that women, if they put their hearts and minds into it, are just as capable as men at anything, including a sport that revolves around beating the life out of another person!

Auraelia: But about our show-

Oprah: Let's give her a hand folks, what an inspirational story she and her peers are!

<The audience cheers, while Auraelia continues to wonder what she's been booked into>

Auraelia: You know, I came here with two guys, and-

Oprah: Reach under your seat!

Auraelia: <stumbling, growing more baffled by the second> Wh-, What?

Oprah: Just do it! <growing more excited, face extends into an enormous smile>

Auraelia: God, what are you even talking about, what kind of show is this?!

Oprah: <expression doesn't change>

Auraelia: <stares, annoyed>

Oprah: <expression still doesn't change>

Auraelia: <sighing> Fine. </reaches under> Oh. Wow. Um...an half eaten wheat bagel, and a bottle of Diet Snapple. Is this another one of your "gifts"?

Oprah: So inspirational, give her a hand, folks! </crowd cheers>

Auraelia: Look, all I wanted was to let the people know that we're going to Iraq this week for Season's Beatings, a big pay per view even-

<From the side of the stage, a sound is heard as, suddenly, Moxie and HMark stumble out>

HMark: <quickly grabbing Auraelia's hand> C'mon, we're outta here.

Auraelia: ...What did you do?

Moxie: INCOMING!

<security starts barging onto the stage, looking to catch up with the two men>

Security #1: There they are; those are the guys who were eating Steadman's dinner!

Moxie: Since when was it crazy to assume you guys left out filet mignon and Chardonnay for your guests?!

Security #2: GET THEM!

<Within seconds, the scene devolves into something out of Benny Hill's nightmares. Moxie only stops long enough to leap onto Oprah's couch and begin jumping up and down to avoid the reach of the security guards, getting a big cheer from the crowd. HMark crawls under the chairs, coming up with the wheat bagel in his mouth, while Oprah, for no discernable reason, has put on a Napolean-style hat and begun reciting "Beowulf". Fed up, Auraelia gets up, grabs her chair, and uses it to knock a hole in the set, which the team promptly runs through, all the way out, and into a waiting private car. As it speeds off, Moxie sticks his upper body out of the moon-roof, and flips a double bird, yelling something or other about filet mignon and what certain people can do with it.>