Comedian: Hi, I’m “The Comedian” Bobby Riggs. I like Seinfeld, The Who, and Latinas. I just recently came to EWT, but I haven’t had a lot of success. So, to turn that around, I have decided to get a manager. But, now I gotta one. So, the question is WHO’S GONNA MANAGE ME!!!!?
*A short montage of the Comedian training and wrestling is shown while cheesy rock music is playing, ending with the Comedian pouring water over his head.*
Comedian: WHO’S GONNA MANAGE ME!!!!?
Announcer: Presented by Dr. Pepper.
*We open on a room that looks like a doctor’s office. Sandra Worthington is sitting in the room in front of a desk. There are two doors to the office: one leads to the outside where all the other contestants are waiting, and the other door leads to an unknown place. Suddenly, that other door opens, and the Comedian walks through it and closes it. Riggs is wearing a white coat and glasses, has a pipe in his mouth, and is holding a folder and a pen.*
Comedian: Hello, Sandra.
Sandra: Mr. Riggs.
Comedian: Please, call me Bobby.
Sandra: Okay, Bobby.
*The Comedian walks over to the desk and sits down. He places the folder on the desk and takes the pipe from his mouth.*
Comedian: Okay, this is the psychological test to see if you’re mentally stable to participate in my contest.
Sandra: Wonderful. I’m sure you’ll find that I am quite mentally stable.
Comedian: Well, you look very “mentally stable.”
Sandra: Really!?
Comedian: Yes, but looks can be deceiving.
*Riggs opens the folder and takes out some inkblots.*
Comedian: The first portion of the test will be Inkblots. I will show you 10 inkblots, and you’ll tell me what they look like to you. Understand?
Sandra: Affirmative.
Comedian: Alright, let’s begin.
*The Comedian holds up the first inkblot.*
Sandra: A bunch of balls being thrown at me.
Comedian: Okay. *writes down answer* Next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Sandra: A butterfly.
Comedian: Alright. *writes down answer* Here’s the next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Sandra: A spider.
Comedian: Okay. *writes down answer* Now, for the next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Sandra: A two-headed circus freak.
Comedian: Hmm. *writes down answer*
Sandra: Is that wrong?
Comedian: No. There are no wrong answers. Next. *holds up another inkblot*
Sandra: A woman holding up her head with her hands.
Comedian: Alrighty. *writes down answer* Next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Sandra: A fly splattered on a windshield.
Comedian: Okay. *writes down answer* Next. *holds up another inkblot*
Sandra: Some guy’s nose and lips.
Comedian: Alright. *writes down answer* Now, the next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Sandra: A pair of shoes.
Comedian: Okay. *writes down answer* The next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Sandra: A clown.
Comedian: Good. *writes down answer* Now, the final one. *holds up the last inkblot*
Sandra: That looks like a comic book hero of some kind.
Comedian: It is. It’s Rorschach from Watchmen. I put that in there to see if anyone would notice.
Sandra: Oh. I’ve heard good things about the Watchmen comic.
Comedian: Oh, it’s very good. You should check it out.
Sandra: I will.
Comedian: Well, anyway, let’s move on to part two—Word Association. *gathers all the inkblots together and places them to the side* I’m going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that pops in your head. Okay?
Sandra: Let’s do this!
Comedian: Okay, here’s your first word—power.
Sandra: The ultimate goal.
Comedian: Ooooh, nice answer. *writes down answer* Opportunity.
Sandra: Knocking. *knocks on the desk*
Comedian: Okay. *writes down answer* Cheerful.
Sandra: A good quality in the business world.
Comedian: Really? Mkay. *writes down answer* Optimistic.
Sandra: Naivety.
Comedian: Alright. *writes down answer* Pessimism.
Sandra: Realistic.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Attention.
Sandra: Whore.
*Riggs drops his pen and looks up at Sandra.*
Comedian: Good answer!
Sandra: Really!?
Comedian: Yeah! *pick up his pen and writes down Sandra’s answer* Okay, where were we? *looks at his paper* There we go—goals.
Sandra: Money, fame, and power.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Bull.
Sandra: Good.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Bear.
Sandra: Bad.
Comedian: I know. They’re Godless killing machines. *writes down answer* Anyway, time.
Sandra: Wasting away.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Sex.
Sandra: A method to get what you want.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Love.
Sandra: Unnecessary.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Hate.
Sandra: Powerful.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Manager.
Sandra: A smart person.
Comedian: *writes down answer* And, finally, winner.
Sandra: Me.
Comedian: There you go! Keep that positive attitude—it might help you win this thing. And, I do mean MIGHT. *writes down answer and then flips paper over* Okay, now for the final part of the test. This is a special test Carl Jung came up with.
Sandra: Ooooh, sounds exciting.
Comedian: Okay. First question—name a color.
Sandra: Red.
Comedian: Now, give me three words that describe the color.
Sandra: Fiery, passionate, powerful.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Next question—name an animal.
Sandra: Piranha.
Comedian: Okay, give me three words to describe it.
Sandra: Bloodthirsty, ferocious, and unstoppable.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Next question—name a body of water.
Sandra: Niagara Falls.
Comedian: Now, give me three words that describe it.
Sandra: Big, deep, and ever-flowing.
Comedian, smirking: *writes down answer* Now, the final question—imagine you’re in room. All the wall are white. There are no windows and doors. In three words, tell me how that room feels to you.
Sandra: Bright, enclosing, uncomfortable.
Comedian: Okay, we’re done. *writes down answer and gathers his papers together* You’re normal, according to the test. Though, you are a little egotistical.
Sandra: Really!?
Comedian: Yeah, the tests show you really like money, fame, and power.
Sandra: Well, I do.
Comedian: And, that’s a good thing for this contest. That drive for those three things could help you win this thing.
Sandra: Well, then I guess that is a good thing to have.
Comedian: Yeah, it is. Anyway, these tests were also to let me know you a lot better. You know, to let me know who you really are. The inkblots and word association told be a lot, and the last part was the most interesting. It really told me a lot about you. The color part told me what you think about yourself. The animal part told me how other people see you. The body of water part is your sex life. And, the white room part represents death.
Sandra: Well, that’s…certainly…interesting.
Comedian: Yes it is. Well, I’m done with you. You can go, and could you send in Principal Pain on your way out?
Sandra: Okay, thanks for the psychological evaluation.
Comedian: You’re welcome.
*They shake hands. Then, Sandra gets up, walks to the door, and opens it.*
Sandra: Principal Pain, you’re up.
Principal Pain: It wasn’t very crazy, was it?
Sandra: Oh no! It was quite professional.
Pain: Hmmmm...well, in that case, I see no harm. I still have my doubts though
*Sandra walks off. Pain walks through the door, shuts it, and sits down.*
Comedian: Welcome, Mr. Pain.
Pain: Please... call me Principal Pain. Mister doesn't suit.
Comedian: Okay, this is the psychological test to determine if you're mentally stable to participate in the contest.
Pain: Okay. I don’t really see why I should have to do this as I can assure you I’m quite mentally stable.
Comedian: Well then, this should be easy for you.
*Pain suddenly looks behind himself, eyes darting slightly, as he looks on with a cautious look.*
Comedian: You okay?
Pain: *composing himself* Yes, I’m fine.
Comedian: Anyway, we will start with Ink Blots. *grabs the ink blots* I will show you some ink blots and you will tell me what you see. Okay?
Pain: Affirmative.
*The Comedian holds up the first inkblot.*
Pain: Looks like some kind of horrid stain... possibly blood.
Comedian: Okay. *writes down answer* Here’s the next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Pain: Some kind of four armed thing holding two dripping swords.
Comedian: Alright. *writes down answer* And, the next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Pain: A hideous four armed bunny man beast.
Comedian: Interesting. *writes down answer* Next. *holds up another inkblot*
Pain: Some humanoid wearing a large cloak, walking through gunfire.
Comedian: *writes down answer.* Next. *holds up another inkblot*
Pain: A pair of... poodles swapping dog slobber?
Comedian: Alright. *writes down answer* Now, for the next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Pain: A starfish lacking the regenerative traits... as well as two arms, which has more blood pouring out of the severed holes.
Comedian: Okay. *writes down answer* Next. *holds up another inkblot*
Pain: Two punks with mohawks and no legs standing back to back.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Pain A man being shot into the air by a blast of... something. Possibly coming from his... rectum?!
Comedian: *looks at the inkblot* That’s a new one. *writes down answer* Okay, here’s the next one. *holds up another inkblot*
Pain: Ugh... that resembles a pile of scattered organs and bones.
Comedian: Alright. *writes down answer* Now, for the final one. *holds up the last inkblot*
Pain: ... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! That is not apart of the true Rorschach test! Are you trying to make a mockery of this?!
Comedian: What!? No! I assure you that... is an ink blot.
Pain: That is as much as a blot as you are competent.
Comedian: No really... it's an ink blot.
Pain: IMPOSSIBLE!
Comedian: Obviously...you just might be too insane to realize it is one.
Pain: Are you calling me INSANE!? What is wrong with you!?
Comedian: Gotcha!
Pain: What!?
Comedian: That isn’t an inkblot—it’s Rorschach from the graphic novel Watchmen. I was just seeing if you noticed.
Pain: *sighs and rolls his eyes* Can we just move on?
Comedian: Fine. We’ll move on to the second part—Word Association. *gathers the inkblots and moves them out of the way* I'm going to give you a word, and you will say the first thing that pops in your head. Sound good?
Pain: Hmmmmph, whatever brings an end to this sooner. Go right ahead.
Comedian: Okay, here’s the first word—school.
Pain: Domain
Comedian: *writes down answer* Power.
Pain: Mine
Comedian: *writes down answer* Discipline.
Pain: Necessary
Comedian: *writes down answer* Punishment.
Pain: Brutal
Comedian: *writes down answer* Teacher.
Pain: Servant
Comedian: *writes down answer* Rules.
Pain: Absolute
Comedian: *writes down answer* Structure.
Pain: Key
Comedian: Okay. *writes down answer* Fun.
Pain: Waste
Comedian: *writes down answer* Pain.
Pain: Enjoyable.
Comedian: *writes down answer* Education.
Pain: Important
Comedian: Alright. *writes down answer* Sex.
Pain: Immoral
Comedian: *writes down answer* Love.
Pain: Distraction
Comedian: *writes down answer* Hate.
Pain: Traitors
Comedian: *writes down answer* Manager.
Pain: Myself
Comedian: *writes down answer* And, finally, winner
Pain: Obvious
Comedian: Great! *writes down answer and flips over paper* Now, here’s the final part of the test. It is a special test created by Carl Jung.
Pain: Carl Jung hmmm? Very well...I'll go along with this.
Comedian: Alright, here’s the first question—name a color.
Pain: White.
Comedian: Now give me three words to describe it.
Pain: Pure, Innocent, Lazy
Comedian: *writes down answer* Next question—name an animal.
Pain: Lion.
Comedian: Now give me three words to describe it.
Pain: Ruler, punisher, disciplinarian
Comedian: *writes down answer* Next question—name a body of water.
Pain: Ocean.
Comedian: Now give me three words to describe it.
Pain: Vast, tranquil, majestic
Comedian: *writes down question* Now, here’s the last question—imagine you're in a room. All the walls are white. There are no windows and doors. In three words, tell me how that room feels to you.
Pain: Cold, empty, peaceful.
Comedian: *writes down answer and gathers his papers* Alright then...well, that'll do it...Principal Pain.
Pain: It's about time...I barely see such a need for this myself. Like I said, I can assure you, I am of perfect mental...
*Pain suddenly looks behind himself, eyes darting slightly, as he looks on with a cautious look.*
Comedian: Ummm... you okay there buddy?
Pain: *composing himself* Yes... it's nothing. I just though I heard something. It's probably something to do with this shoddy building.
Comedian: Yeah... that's gonna be it. Looking at the test you seem normal. Your just a little power hungry, but I don’t see anything wrong that.
Pain: Yes, absolutely not. I mean, really, who doesn't desire full control or something... or someone.
Comedian: Sorry Pain... but I'm not in it for THAT kind of relationship. So you can just put the whip and ball-gag away.
Pain: *shocked* WHAT?! No...that's entirely the opposite of what I meant.
Comedian: Really... I don't blame you. I'm a hot stud muffin, but I'm not interested. Maybe flattered, but not interested.
Pain: I AM NOT INTO THAT!
Comedian: You keep saying that sweetheart. Also, these tests were to help me to get to know you a little better, especially the Carl Jung part. The first question, about the color, that represents you and what you think of yourself. The animal part represents how others see you. The body of water part represents your sex life. And, finally, the white room part represents death and what you think it will be like.
Pain: Ahhh...well then, that all makes sense.
Comedian: Yep...which is more than what I can say for your kinks...
Pain: I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT LIKE THAT!
Comedian: Sure buddy...hope the other fellas enjoy your special brand of love.
*Pain seethes quite angrily... looking down at the ground, muttering quite angrily to himself now.*
Comedian: Well, thanks again your principleness...that'll do. Send in Harry Caray on your way out.
*Pain nods, giving the Comedian one last look, before walking over to the door and exiting the room.*
Pain: Mr. Caray, you are next.
Caray: Hey, Pain, if you were a beer, would you drink yourself?
Pain: ...I'm not even going to dignify that lunacy with a response.
Caray: Well, I would.
*Pain walks off. Caray walks into the office, closes the door, and sits down.*
TO BE CONTINUED...