Post by tmc1982 on Jan 2, 2009 2:33:57 GMT -5
www.411mania.com/movies/columns/93626
Anything that features pseudo-celebrities/fame whores like Paris Hilton, Dina Lohan, or Tila Tequila should never be anticipated to remotely resemble "Masterpiece Theater".
Trevor Snyder
5. Rosie Live
OK, I get what Rosie was trying to do here. The return of the good-old-fashioned variety show, huh? It's an idea that Ellen Degeneres also seems fond of. The problem is, no one has apparently told these two that the good old-fashioned variety show was very much a product of its time, and nothing that anyone is really clamoring for nowadays. Now, I didn't see any of Ellen's attempt (I just have a vague memory of commercials advertising it), but I was foolish enough to check out a little of Rosie Live. Granted, I was watching it in the hopes of making fun of it, but it was far worse than I thought. It wasn't just cheesy bad, it was depressing bad, not even enjoyable on a "so bad it's funny" level. And since it was advertised as such a vanity project, I'd have to say that it was, above all else, a complete embarrassment for its star. Then again, Rosie used to be on The View and starred in, so maybe she's long beyond feeling embarrassment.
4. American Idol
My fellow writers apparently decided to go easy on Idol this year…but not I. As long as this thing stays on TV, there's a damn good chance it will make my "Worst Shows" list every year. In fact, that chance only becomes stronger each year, because if anything my main reason for singling it out this time is how obviously pointless it is becoming. At this point, there is no longer any real belief that whoever wins the competition will truly become the next big "idol" in the American music scene. All it does, essentially, is guarantee them a record deal. But guess what? The 5 or 6 runner-ups will probably get one, as well. And so will anyone who was so bad that they became memorable (William Hung). So why does anyone even care anymore about who actually wins this thing? Why are people still voting? Why are people still watching??
3. Kath & Kim
Normally, I'm up for anything that features John Michael Higgins. Unfortunately, that was about the only thing this show had going for it in my eyes. I've never been a fan of Molly Shannon, and I can take or leave Selma Blair. Plus, I'm getting awfully tired of American networks trying to re-do far better sitcoms (and dramas, for that matter) from other countries. OK, yes, you managed to make it work with The Office. But what about the 100 failures that have followed since? Isn't it time to give up this particular experiment? Still, I figured I'd give it a chance, even after a friend of mine watched the first episode and told me nothing good could come of watching it. Even then, I decided to be brave and give it a look. Well, my friend was right. Awful…just awful.
2. The Moment of Truth
Also known as the show that actually ruined a marriage. In retrospect, the idea of strapping contestants up to a lie detector and making them answer embarrassing and potentially devastating questions in the presence of their friends and loved ones actually does sound like a pretty tasteless idea. But, then again, FOX never met a tasteless idea they weren't willing to run with, and so we were soon treated to a woman admitting she had cheated on her husband…or maybe it was her fiancée. I don't honestly remember…all I do remember is the resultant controversy that followed, and that the show died a quick death afterwards. Not to worry, though. I'm sure FOX is dreaming up something equally horrible to take its place even as you read this.
1. Heroes
I know what you're probably thinking. "Really, Trevor? Do you really think Heroes was the worst show on TV this year?" Well, not exactly. Truthfully, the other shows on my list are actually worse than Heroes, as are a great number of shows that didn't make my list. But allow me to explain my decision. You see, like any other sci-fi, comic-book loving nerd, I was initially smitten with Heroes, as was much of the American TV watching world, apparently. And why not? It started off so strong, and for awhile even had people who would never bother reading a comic book falling under its spell. But then came the underwhelming Season One finale, in which the Sylar-Peter fight the entire year had been building to was reduced to nothing but a couple punches. It's all been downhill from there. I thought it couldn't get much worse than the dreadful strike-shortened second season – especially after the third season premiere seemed to hint at a potential return to form. But everything since then has left me actually pining for the days of the second season, which really doesn't seem that bad in retrospect. I'm sorry, but whether it's the complete The Fly rip-off that is Mohinder's storyline, or their annoying insistence on revealing how everything in the universe is and has been connected from the very beginning (allowing them to still do lame flashback episodes), never before has such a high-profile show seemed like it's being run by writers who really have no idea what the hell they're doing. And what is most frustrating of all is their continuous habit of instantly changing their focus and stories based on audience reaction. Look, there's something to be said for listening to your fans…but there's also something to be said for having the balls to carry through with your original intent and not just bend to the whim of critics and Internet bloggers. How can I respect, or trust, a show that will happily throw away any sort of real character development or progress whenever they feel like they need to shake things up again? I mean, take a look at Sylar, who went through several phases this year before finally just ending up pretty much exactly the same character he was at the beginning of the year. I was no big fan of turning Sylar, but jeez, at least it was trying something different with his character. And what was up with Nathan's sudden turn to the dark side? Is it just me, or did that literally happen in the span of one episode (heck, more like one scene). There's no other way to say it – this show has gotten bad. And unlike the other shows on my list, it's not like this show never had a chance of being good. It was good, and has gone off the rails in a frustratingly extreme way. The upcoming return of Bryan Fuller brings some promise, but even he will have a hard time turning around this crap-train. And so I give this my #1 spot, not because I necessarily believe it's the worst thing gracing the airwaves right now, but more out of a desire to shame it into trying a little harder to get back to what it could be.
Steve Gustafson
HONORABLE MENTIONS (Actually there is NOTHING honorable about these mentions.)
The Ex List - Let's see... an attractive single woman in search of a mate, meets a psychic who tells her that she's already dated her true love. If she doesn't marry within a year, she'll spend the rest of her life alone. I'm surprised this got canceled...but I'm glad it did.
Secret Talents of the Stars - It was mind numbing to watch. The only talent I wanted to see was Ric Flair showcase his salsa dancing...which was never aired.
THE TOP 5
5. Knight Rider
Remember, every show, good or bad, is approved by executives, who at one time thought, "This show is going to be a HIT!" That's every show you see! Remember that. Take Knight Rider. I loved this...back in 1982! Did well, holds up...ok, unleashed David Hasselhoff on us, and made some money. You've heard the phrase, "Going to the well once too often."? Check this out. Since the original series aired we've gotten:
Knight Rider 2000 (A 1991 sequel movie to the television series.)
Knight Rider 2010 (A 1994 made-for-television movie loosely based on the original series.)
Team Knight Rider (A 1997 spin-off television series based on the franchise.)
Knight Rider (A 2008 made-for-television movie)
Which brings us to the current Knight Rider. I've given it a try and just can't get into it. It's not fun, the writing is bad (which is saying something), and not even Hasselhoff could save this.
4. Kath & Kim
Naming bad TV shows is like finding ugly people at the mall. They are everywhere! I stuck to shows that I actually saw. I gave this show a try and I'm still trying to figure out who this was marketed towards. Really. The two main characters are unlikable, unfunny, and unwatchable.
3. Living Lohan
Yes, I know what you are going to say. "Steve, if the Lohan family didn't exist, who would you complain about?" I'm willing to take that chance. Anyway, Living Lohan is a reality series that this world did not need to see. It documents the daily lives of actress/singer Lindsay Lohan's family, with most of the focus on manager/mother (if you can call her that!) Dina, actress/singer sister Ali, brother Cody, grandmother Ann "Nana" Sullivan , who is Dina's mother and a former radio actress, and Jeremy Greene, a music producer helping Ali with her debut album. It's torture. I found myself wishing bad things would happen to them...and that's not me! It exposes the Lohan family for who they really are, especially Dina. I read numerous reviews for this show and Gillian Flynn or Entertainment Weekly did it best. Flynn graded the show F and commented, "The irritation turned to repulsion around the first minute ... Dina snipes about the paparazzis invasion of privacy, but thanks to her, there's not much left to invade."
2. Paris Hilton's My New BFF
Remember, someone APPROVED this and gave it a budget! The pitch went something like this: Paris Hilton searches for her new BFF (best friend forever). 16 women and two men competed in challenges in an attempt to become her new best friend. That's it. That's the show. You'd think it would be just for one season...since she found her BFF (Brittany Flickinger, for those keeping score). But she just completed a British version of the series in London set to air in January 2009. Oh, and the BFF for that show stands for British Friend Forever. What's next? Black Friend Forever? Bostonian Friend Forever? Bulimic Friend Foever? Looks like I already have a candidate for worst show of 2009.
1. Rosie Live
Easily my numero uno worst show! Nothing can change my mind. NOTHING! This live, one-hour special featured an array of celebrity guests, musical performances and comedic skits. I admit that this show held great fear over my head. GREAT FEAR! If it did well, then we'd have Rosie back on the small screen. I watched, while holding my breath, and groaned, as this monstrosity lumbered on, and on, and on, and on. I went to sleep that night, clutching my blanket, tossing and turning, as thought of Rosie making a comeback haunted my dreams. I can't accurately describe the relief and joy I felt when I turned on Extra and heard that O'Donnell had her variety show canceled because of bad reviews and even worse ratings. Only 5 million people tuned in. Yes, I know I was one, but can one man make a difference (CONTINUITY to Knight Rider!)? Whatever. I was even more elated when Rosie blogged "There will be no more...No ratings . . . bad reviews...Yet still - a thrill 4 me." Not as thrilling to me knowing that it was canceled. 2008 was saved! The end.
Bryan Kristopowitz
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Leverage - This TNT show just annoys me. Timothy Hutton is the only good thing about it. The show is so smug and smarmy and hip and edgy it's like a weekly Ocean's Thirteen trailer. Awful stuff.
Opportunity Knocks - This weekly pseudo family game show didn't last all that long, and for good reason. It was terrible. It was boring. And it was lame as hell. It makes Extreme Makeover: Home Edition look like House.
Rosie Live - While it wasn't necessarily a bad idea, Rosie's attempt at bringing back the "star studded" variety show just didn't work. If NBC had given it a chance, maybe Rosie would have found an acceptable formula to work off of, but then the ratings for the first, and now only show, were abysmal. Better luck next time to whoever else tries to "bring back" the variety show.
THE TOP 5
5. Momma's Boys
This Ryan Seacrest produced pseudo reality game show is just awful. It achieves its lofty awful status not because of the contrived situation of a bunch of available women living together in a house, doting on three eligible young men who have brought along their mothers to "help" them choose a suitable female, the incessant use of helicopters (I think it's a requirement of the pseudo reality game show to have at least one gratuitous shot of people on a helicopter per show), or just the general lameness of the situation. No, Momma's Boys is supremely awful and bad and contemptible because of the way it uses a mother's out and out racism as a show hook. Why would Seacrest and NBC even allow a racist on a show like this? Bullshit ratings, that's why. So what could have been just a stupid pseudo reality game show is a dangerously stupid pseudo reality game show. And, no, the one racist mother is not a "mirror on society." It's just a scam by the producers to make us watch "What is the bigot going to do next?" Pretty lame, Ryan. Pretty goddamn lame.
4. The Bonnie Hunt Show
Now, the thing is, I like Bonnie Hunt. She's funny, she's charming, she has a good screen presence, and when she has to she can engage in a softball celebrity interview with the best of them (kind of like Ellen but not quite as good). But this new talk show of hers is pathetic. It's just her sitting at a desk cracking "jokes" most of the time. And they're not even funny jokes. This talk show is actually worse than Rachael Ray's show, which is in itself awful because of Ray's overabundance of enthusiasm. Why couldn't they have revived her sitcom, also called The Bonnie Hunt Show. That was a funny show.
3. My Own Worst Enemy
I really don't understand why anyone at NBC thought this show was a good idea. Christian Slater plays both a hip and edgy super killer spy and a milquetoast family man who are actually both the same guy (the family man aspect was part of the spy half's cover and it was all accomplished via some kind of fancy shmancy implanted chip. Slater's family man character, from what I remember, was totally unaware of the chip). Eventually, the chip malfunctions and Slater's character can't stop switching back and forth between his two identities, and this causes all kinds of trouble. And plenty of confusing boredom. I ended up watching three episodes before giving up on it. I was so lost. Now, this dual identity thing might have made for a fun movie, but as a TV show it bombed. The fact that it's now cancelled shows I'm not the only one put off by this garbage. NBC cancelled Las Vegas for this shit?
2. The Return of Jezebel James
This is easily one of the worst sitcoms the Fox network has ever put on the air. I think the best way to describe it is "painfully unfunny." The cast was good (Parker Posey, Lauren Ambrose, Diane Wiest), the plot kind of interesting (successful career woman unable to have children asks her lazy free spirit sister to do a surrogate pregnancy), and the effort was obviously there. Watching the three episodes Fox allowed to air before pulling the plug you could tell that everyone involved liked working on the show. But nothing worked. The show just wasn't funny. And if your sitcom doesn't involve actual comedy that people will laugh at and with, the show's done. And that's what happened to Jezebel James. Some freaking return, huh?
1. Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann
Oh my God this show sucked. Who the hell at ABC thought this was a good idea? I thought the show was going to be a sort of weekly "who can outdo the other" type deal, where the objective was to see who could come up with the best dance routine, Bruno's team or Carrie Ann's team. And it would all be done basically for fun. What we instead got was a lame competition show where dancers had to audition for spots on the teams (boring as hell), and then during the weekly competitions dancers were removed from each team, as if anyone would ever give a shit about these dancers. The goddamn show was called Bruno vs. Carrie Ann, not Bunch of uninteresting people engage in weekly dance competition for no real reason anyone cares about but we're supposed to care about it because that's that these competition shows are all about, connecting with the competitors and when one of them gets thrown off we're supposed to cry. What a bunch of hooey. Why does everything have to be a competition where people get "voted off the island"? Why can't competition shows be more like Whose Line is it Anyway?, where who the winner is doesn't really matter because it's all just a bunch of nonsense (entertainment)? What's wrong with doing that?
Jeremy Thomas
(DIS)HONORABLE MENTION
Living Lohan – I put this in Honorable Mention only because I only caught about four minutes of it once and never looked back. I doubt the rest was any better, but I can't really speak intelligently on it.
THE TOP 5
5. Paris Hilton's My New BFF
Ugh. Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Paris Hilton, queen of the vapid, looks for a replacement for Nicole Richie and proceeds to find the saddest, most retarded group of nobodies I've ever seen collected. We'll see how long this "New BFF" lasts. Somehow, I'm guessing it the last F stands for "For Now."
4. Valentine
This one personally hurts. I had heard that Jamie Murray, who had been so much fun as Dexter's psychotic AA sponsor/girlfriend, was going to be in a show about the Greek gods and…well, I'm a mythology buff, so I was intrigued. Then I watched the first episode. It was like glass scraping its dirty, tetanus-ridden way through my soul. The tone of the show was way, WAY too much like Charmed, which I absolutely despise, and I never watched another episode. Luckily I didn't miss much as it was pulled from the CW Network three weeks later due to financing issues. A mercy killing, no doubt.
3. Knight Rider
Listen, I loved the original Knight Rider. Who didn't? But the fact of the matter is that they haven't been able to make the Hoff-magic strike twice, no matter how many times they try. Justin Bruening is painfully bad as the lead, the dialogue is atrocious, and…well, it just absolutely sucks. There's not much more I can say about it.
2. Hulk Hogan's Championship Wrestling
This almost feels like cheating somehow, but the fact remains that CCW was a show so bad, I couldn't stop watching. I tried, believe me. It was so blatantly obvious that the whole thing was rigged, and if Bonaduce had won, that might have made it somewhat worthwhile. But we knew the Worm was winning by virtue of being Hogan's friend. I'll tell you one thing…it certainly didn't do Dustin Diamond any favors in terms of getting that loser image shed.
1. A Shot At Love 2 with Tila Tequila
I touched on this very, very briefly in last week's Top Five where I bitched about Tila herself, but her show was just as horrible. This was an utter farce of a "reality show" that saw Tila again try to find love—a.k.a. hop in the sack—with either a man or a woman. It was almost more painful then the first season of this whole mess. And even better, before the final episode aired, Viacom screwed up and let it leak that Tila wasn't going to find love period. If you want to watch this show, do yourself a favor and gargle with bleach. You'll enjoy it more, I promise.
5. Rosie Live
OK, I get what Rosie was trying to do here. The return of the good-old-fashioned variety show, huh? It's an idea that Ellen Degeneres also seems fond of. The problem is, no one has apparently told these two that the good old-fashioned variety show was very much a product of its time, and nothing that anyone is really clamoring for nowadays. Now, I didn't see any of Ellen's attempt (I just have a vague memory of commercials advertising it), but I was foolish enough to check out a little of Rosie Live. Granted, I was watching it in the hopes of making fun of it, but it was far worse than I thought. It wasn't just cheesy bad, it was depressing bad, not even enjoyable on a "so bad it's funny" level. And since it was advertised as such a vanity project, I'd have to say that it was, above all else, a complete embarrassment for its star. Then again, Rosie used to be on The View and starred in, so maybe she's long beyond feeling embarrassment.
4. American Idol
My fellow writers apparently decided to go easy on Idol this year…but not I. As long as this thing stays on TV, there's a damn good chance it will make my "Worst Shows" list every year. In fact, that chance only becomes stronger each year, because if anything my main reason for singling it out this time is how obviously pointless it is becoming. At this point, there is no longer any real belief that whoever wins the competition will truly become the next big "idol" in the American music scene. All it does, essentially, is guarantee them a record deal. But guess what? The 5 or 6 runner-ups will probably get one, as well. And so will anyone who was so bad that they became memorable (William Hung). So why does anyone even care anymore about who actually wins this thing? Why are people still voting? Why are people still watching??
3. Kath & Kim
Normally, I'm up for anything that features John Michael Higgins. Unfortunately, that was about the only thing this show had going for it in my eyes. I've never been a fan of Molly Shannon, and I can take or leave Selma Blair. Plus, I'm getting awfully tired of American networks trying to re-do far better sitcoms (and dramas, for that matter) from other countries. OK, yes, you managed to make it work with The Office. But what about the 100 failures that have followed since? Isn't it time to give up this particular experiment? Still, I figured I'd give it a chance, even after a friend of mine watched the first episode and told me nothing good could come of watching it. Even then, I decided to be brave and give it a look. Well, my friend was right. Awful…just awful.
2. The Moment of Truth
Also known as the show that actually ruined a marriage. In retrospect, the idea of strapping contestants up to a lie detector and making them answer embarrassing and potentially devastating questions in the presence of their friends and loved ones actually does sound like a pretty tasteless idea. But, then again, FOX never met a tasteless idea they weren't willing to run with, and so we were soon treated to a woman admitting she had cheated on her husband…or maybe it was her fiancée. I don't honestly remember…all I do remember is the resultant controversy that followed, and that the show died a quick death afterwards. Not to worry, though. I'm sure FOX is dreaming up something equally horrible to take its place even as you read this.
1. Heroes
I know what you're probably thinking. "Really, Trevor? Do you really think Heroes was the worst show on TV this year?" Well, not exactly. Truthfully, the other shows on my list are actually worse than Heroes, as are a great number of shows that didn't make my list. But allow me to explain my decision. You see, like any other sci-fi, comic-book loving nerd, I was initially smitten with Heroes, as was much of the American TV watching world, apparently. And why not? It started off so strong, and for awhile even had people who would never bother reading a comic book falling under its spell. But then came the underwhelming Season One finale, in which the Sylar-Peter fight the entire year had been building to was reduced to nothing but a couple punches. It's all been downhill from there. I thought it couldn't get much worse than the dreadful strike-shortened second season – especially after the third season premiere seemed to hint at a potential return to form. But everything since then has left me actually pining for the days of the second season, which really doesn't seem that bad in retrospect. I'm sorry, but whether it's the complete The Fly rip-off that is Mohinder's storyline, or their annoying insistence on revealing how everything in the universe is and has been connected from the very beginning (allowing them to still do lame flashback episodes), never before has such a high-profile show seemed like it's being run by writers who really have no idea what the hell they're doing. And what is most frustrating of all is their continuous habit of instantly changing their focus and stories based on audience reaction. Look, there's something to be said for listening to your fans…but there's also something to be said for having the balls to carry through with your original intent and not just bend to the whim of critics and Internet bloggers. How can I respect, or trust, a show that will happily throw away any sort of real character development or progress whenever they feel like they need to shake things up again? I mean, take a look at Sylar, who went through several phases this year before finally just ending up pretty much exactly the same character he was at the beginning of the year. I was no big fan of turning Sylar, but jeez, at least it was trying something different with his character. And what was up with Nathan's sudden turn to the dark side? Is it just me, or did that literally happen in the span of one episode (heck, more like one scene). There's no other way to say it – this show has gotten bad. And unlike the other shows on my list, it's not like this show never had a chance of being good. It was good, and has gone off the rails in a frustratingly extreme way. The upcoming return of Bryan Fuller brings some promise, but even he will have a hard time turning around this crap-train. And so I give this my #1 spot, not because I necessarily believe it's the worst thing gracing the airwaves right now, but more out of a desire to shame it into trying a little harder to get back to what it could be.
Steve Gustafson
HONORABLE MENTIONS (Actually there is NOTHING honorable about these mentions.)
The Ex List - Let's see... an attractive single woman in search of a mate, meets a psychic who tells her that she's already dated her true love. If she doesn't marry within a year, she'll spend the rest of her life alone. I'm surprised this got canceled...but I'm glad it did.
Secret Talents of the Stars - It was mind numbing to watch. The only talent I wanted to see was Ric Flair showcase his salsa dancing...which was never aired.
THE TOP 5
5. Knight Rider
Remember, every show, good or bad, is approved by executives, who at one time thought, "This show is going to be a HIT!" That's every show you see! Remember that. Take Knight Rider. I loved this...back in 1982! Did well, holds up...ok, unleashed David Hasselhoff on us, and made some money. You've heard the phrase, "Going to the well once too often."? Check this out. Since the original series aired we've gotten:
Knight Rider 2000 (A 1991 sequel movie to the television series.)
Knight Rider 2010 (A 1994 made-for-television movie loosely based on the original series.)
Team Knight Rider (A 1997 spin-off television series based on the franchise.)
Knight Rider (A 2008 made-for-television movie)
Which brings us to the current Knight Rider. I've given it a try and just can't get into it. It's not fun, the writing is bad (which is saying something), and not even Hasselhoff could save this.
4. Kath & Kim
Naming bad TV shows is like finding ugly people at the mall. They are everywhere! I stuck to shows that I actually saw. I gave this show a try and I'm still trying to figure out who this was marketed towards. Really. The two main characters are unlikable, unfunny, and unwatchable.
3. Living Lohan
Yes, I know what you are going to say. "Steve, if the Lohan family didn't exist, who would you complain about?" I'm willing to take that chance. Anyway, Living Lohan is a reality series that this world did not need to see. It documents the daily lives of actress/singer Lindsay Lohan's family, with most of the focus on manager/mother (if you can call her that!) Dina, actress/singer sister Ali, brother Cody, grandmother Ann "Nana" Sullivan , who is Dina's mother and a former radio actress, and Jeremy Greene, a music producer helping Ali with her debut album. It's torture. I found myself wishing bad things would happen to them...and that's not me! It exposes the Lohan family for who they really are, especially Dina. I read numerous reviews for this show and Gillian Flynn or Entertainment Weekly did it best. Flynn graded the show F and commented, "The irritation turned to repulsion around the first minute ... Dina snipes about the paparazzis invasion of privacy, but thanks to her, there's not much left to invade."
2. Paris Hilton's My New BFF
Remember, someone APPROVED this and gave it a budget! The pitch went something like this: Paris Hilton searches for her new BFF (best friend forever). 16 women and two men competed in challenges in an attempt to become her new best friend. That's it. That's the show. You'd think it would be just for one season...since she found her BFF (Brittany Flickinger, for those keeping score). But she just completed a British version of the series in London set to air in January 2009. Oh, and the BFF for that show stands for British Friend Forever. What's next? Black Friend Forever? Bostonian Friend Forever? Bulimic Friend Foever? Looks like I already have a candidate for worst show of 2009.
1. Rosie Live
Easily my numero uno worst show! Nothing can change my mind. NOTHING! This live, one-hour special featured an array of celebrity guests, musical performances and comedic skits. I admit that this show held great fear over my head. GREAT FEAR! If it did well, then we'd have Rosie back on the small screen. I watched, while holding my breath, and groaned, as this monstrosity lumbered on, and on, and on, and on. I went to sleep that night, clutching my blanket, tossing and turning, as thought of Rosie making a comeback haunted my dreams. I can't accurately describe the relief and joy I felt when I turned on Extra and heard that O'Donnell had her variety show canceled because of bad reviews and even worse ratings. Only 5 million people tuned in. Yes, I know I was one, but can one man make a difference (CONTINUITY to Knight Rider!)? Whatever. I was even more elated when Rosie blogged "There will be no more...No ratings . . . bad reviews...Yet still - a thrill 4 me." Not as thrilling to me knowing that it was canceled. 2008 was saved! The end.
Bryan Kristopowitz
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Leverage - This TNT show just annoys me. Timothy Hutton is the only good thing about it. The show is so smug and smarmy and hip and edgy it's like a weekly Ocean's Thirteen trailer. Awful stuff.
Opportunity Knocks - This weekly pseudo family game show didn't last all that long, and for good reason. It was terrible. It was boring. And it was lame as hell. It makes Extreme Makeover: Home Edition look like House.
Rosie Live - While it wasn't necessarily a bad idea, Rosie's attempt at bringing back the "star studded" variety show just didn't work. If NBC had given it a chance, maybe Rosie would have found an acceptable formula to work off of, but then the ratings for the first, and now only show, were abysmal. Better luck next time to whoever else tries to "bring back" the variety show.
THE TOP 5
5. Momma's Boys
This Ryan Seacrest produced pseudo reality game show is just awful. It achieves its lofty awful status not because of the contrived situation of a bunch of available women living together in a house, doting on three eligible young men who have brought along their mothers to "help" them choose a suitable female, the incessant use of helicopters (I think it's a requirement of the pseudo reality game show to have at least one gratuitous shot of people on a helicopter per show), or just the general lameness of the situation. No, Momma's Boys is supremely awful and bad and contemptible because of the way it uses a mother's out and out racism as a show hook. Why would Seacrest and NBC even allow a racist on a show like this? Bullshit ratings, that's why. So what could have been just a stupid pseudo reality game show is a dangerously stupid pseudo reality game show. And, no, the one racist mother is not a "mirror on society." It's just a scam by the producers to make us watch "What is the bigot going to do next?" Pretty lame, Ryan. Pretty goddamn lame.
4. The Bonnie Hunt Show
Now, the thing is, I like Bonnie Hunt. She's funny, she's charming, she has a good screen presence, and when she has to she can engage in a softball celebrity interview with the best of them (kind of like Ellen but not quite as good). But this new talk show of hers is pathetic. It's just her sitting at a desk cracking "jokes" most of the time. And they're not even funny jokes. This talk show is actually worse than Rachael Ray's show, which is in itself awful because of Ray's overabundance of enthusiasm. Why couldn't they have revived her sitcom, also called The Bonnie Hunt Show. That was a funny show.
3. My Own Worst Enemy
I really don't understand why anyone at NBC thought this show was a good idea. Christian Slater plays both a hip and edgy super killer spy and a milquetoast family man who are actually both the same guy (the family man aspect was part of the spy half's cover and it was all accomplished via some kind of fancy shmancy implanted chip. Slater's family man character, from what I remember, was totally unaware of the chip). Eventually, the chip malfunctions and Slater's character can't stop switching back and forth between his two identities, and this causes all kinds of trouble. And plenty of confusing boredom. I ended up watching three episodes before giving up on it. I was so lost. Now, this dual identity thing might have made for a fun movie, but as a TV show it bombed. The fact that it's now cancelled shows I'm not the only one put off by this garbage. NBC cancelled Las Vegas for this shit?
2. The Return of Jezebel James
This is easily one of the worst sitcoms the Fox network has ever put on the air. I think the best way to describe it is "painfully unfunny." The cast was good (Parker Posey, Lauren Ambrose, Diane Wiest), the plot kind of interesting (successful career woman unable to have children asks her lazy free spirit sister to do a surrogate pregnancy), and the effort was obviously there. Watching the three episodes Fox allowed to air before pulling the plug you could tell that everyone involved liked working on the show. But nothing worked. The show just wasn't funny. And if your sitcom doesn't involve actual comedy that people will laugh at and with, the show's done. And that's what happened to Jezebel James. Some freaking return, huh?
1. Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann
Oh my God this show sucked. Who the hell at ABC thought this was a good idea? I thought the show was going to be a sort of weekly "who can outdo the other" type deal, where the objective was to see who could come up with the best dance routine, Bruno's team or Carrie Ann's team. And it would all be done basically for fun. What we instead got was a lame competition show where dancers had to audition for spots on the teams (boring as hell), and then during the weekly competitions dancers were removed from each team, as if anyone would ever give a shit about these dancers. The goddamn show was called Bruno vs. Carrie Ann, not Bunch of uninteresting people engage in weekly dance competition for no real reason anyone cares about but we're supposed to care about it because that's that these competition shows are all about, connecting with the competitors and when one of them gets thrown off we're supposed to cry. What a bunch of hooey. Why does everything have to be a competition where people get "voted off the island"? Why can't competition shows be more like Whose Line is it Anyway?, where who the winner is doesn't really matter because it's all just a bunch of nonsense (entertainment)? What's wrong with doing that?
Jeremy Thomas
(DIS)HONORABLE MENTION
Living Lohan – I put this in Honorable Mention only because I only caught about four minutes of it once and never looked back. I doubt the rest was any better, but I can't really speak intelligently on it.
THE TOP 5
5. Paris Hilton's My New BFF
Ugh. Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Paris Hilton, queen of the vapid, looks for a replacement for Nicole Richie and proceeds to find the saddest, most retarded group of nobodies I've ever seen collected. We'll see how long this "New BFF" lasts. Somehow, I'm guessing it the last F stands for "For Now."
4. Valentine
This one personally hurts. I had heard that Jamie Murray, who had been so much fun as Dexter's psychotic AA sponsor/girlfriend, was going to be in a show about the Greek gods and…well, I'm a mythology buff, so I was intrigued. Then I watched the first episode. It was like glass scraping its dirty, tetanus-ridden way through my soul. The tone of the show was way, WAY too much like Charmed, which I absolutely despise, and I never watched another episode. Luckily I didn't miss much as it was pulled from the CW Network three weeks later due to financing issues. A mercy killing, no doubt.
3. Knight Rider
Listen, I loved the original Knight Rider. Who didn't? But the fact of the matter is that they haven't been able to make the Hoff-magic strike twice, no matter how many times they try. Justin Bruening is painfully bad as the lead, the dialogue is atrocious, and…well, it just absolutely sucks. There's not much more I can say about it.
2. Hulk Hogan's Championship Wrestling
This almost feels like cheating somehow, but the fact remains that CCW was a show so bad, I couldn't stop watching. I tried, believe me. It was so blatantly obvious that the whole thing was rigged, and if Bonaduce had won, that might have made it somewhat worthwhile. But we knew the Worm was winning by virtue of being Hogan's friend. I'll tell you one thing…it certainly didn't do Dustin Diamond any favors in terms of getting that loser image shed.
1. A Shot At Love 2 with Tila Tequila
I touched on this very, very briefly in last week's Top Five where I bitched about Tila herself, but her show was just as horrible. This was an utter farce of a "reality show" that saw Tila again try to find love—a.k.a. hop in the sack—with either a man or a woman. It was almost more painful then the first season of this whole mess. And even better, before the final episode aired, Viacom screwed up and let it leak that Tila wasn't going to find love period. If you want to watch this show, do yourself a favor and gargle with bleach. You'll enjoy it more, I promise.
Anything that features pseudo-celebrities/fame whores like Paris Hilton, Dina Lohan, or Tila Tequila should never be anticipated to remotely resemble "Masterpiece Theater".