Well, here we go...you know, I was going to do one of my usual long, drawn-out, masturbatory self-righteous reviews of Rob Zombie's
Halloween and attempt to make some sort of coherent point about just WHY the movie is a huge failure, but really, there's literally nothing I can say about the movie that hasn't been said a thousand times over already. My complaints about the movie are the same as everyone else's - that it successfully strips away every BIT of subtlety and scariness that the original classics (and if it's not known by now, it should be -
Halloween I and
II are my favorite horror films of all time) possess, it redneckifies the entire story to the nth degree as per usual with Zombie's films, the attack of the 50 foot Myers, etc.
And really, 10 paragraphs of that would just bum me out way too much.
Thus, I present,
Halloween 2007...in Erisi's patented Random Thoughts form. For those unfamiliar with said form, it's a viewing of the film accompanied by the chronological thoughts - sometimes humorous, sometimes observational - that go along with watching the movie. So, without further adieu...
Rob Zombie's Halloween [/color][/center]
~ Firstly, I remember having a LOT of trepidation when I first heard that Zombie's name was attached to a remake of
Halloween...I remember thinking "man, I can see it already...a theatrical trailer involving Michael plowing through walls while heavy metal music plays over the theater loudspeakers." I didn't end up being that far off.
~ While you can't beat the original's creepy piano score and the lit jack-o-lantern (coupled with the fact that Halloween itself is my favorite DAY of the year), I admit that I do like the movie's "true-crime style" quote and title screen quite well - although the opening pangs of classic rock quickly sink the mood...
~ While child Michael takes loads of flack from fans (and deservedly so), Daeg Farch certainly does his damndest with a pretty thankless role. Hey, he didn't write the thing. ;D
~ There's about a thousand instances of the following complaint that I COULD bring up, but I'll just say it once now and be done with it since it continues throughout the film: Rob Zombie's script just reeks of "profanity for profanity's sake." We're not even past the movie's scene that introduces the family - and every other word is "snork." I don't have a problem with realistic dialogue and profanity, but it's not even remotely how real human beings talk. "snork, I snorking hate this snorking house, snork!" = frighteningly typical line from this movie.
~ Forsyth is right - Judith does indeed have quite the cute ass. But while the story of Michael Myers is SUPPOSED to be one of human tragedy as it relates to his victims...I can't WAIT for this bunch of annoying hicks to die. Hell, Michael is the MOST likable member of the family.
~ The kids at school = not much better. Go Michael!
~ And Rob keeps up with his normal status quo by making Mama Myers a stripper.
~ I love how Sam Loomis just shows up out of the woodwork, almost as if he possesses a
Ghostbusters style "serial killer in training" alarm.
~ I will admit that Michael's massacre of the family - and the douchebag boyfriend - is pretty damn cool. However, I found myself very much rooting for every one of these people to get it, which was a complete 180 from the original film.
~ For some reason, Michael's phase while initially incarcerated doesn't sit right with me, either. As opposed to being the Boogeyman incarnate, Zombie paints him as a tragic figure, and his victims as deserving, particularly when you factor in the nurse's lilttle mean quip to Michael before he offs her.
~ Goodbye, Sheri Moon. The movie will miss you and your overacting.
~ Okay, one of the biggest laugh-out-loud moments I have EVER had watching a movie is seeing just how ridiculously STARK the contrast is between little twerp kiddie version of Michael and giant 7-foot Incredible Hulk version of Michael.
~ Needless cameo #2 - Danny Trejo. Definitely a good actor, but wasn't in the movie for any other reason than just for horror fans to stand up and say, "hey, it's Danny Trejo!"
~ Jesus, the graveyard shift workers at the Sanitarium gotta be hicks, too? Learn some other characters already, Rob.
~ And Trejo is dead, bringing the total number of sympathetic victims to one thus far.
~ Ah yes, meet your star character of the movie, kids - the 2007 version of perhaps the most relatable, likable horror movie heroine of all time. And to introduce us to such a character, they have Laurie Strode version 2K7 mouth off to her parents with a bunch of moronic, hammy sexual metaphors. Long story short, while I don't think Scout Taylor Compton is a BAD actress...she's definitely no Jamie Lee Curtis.
~ "Definition: Stop walking." What kid talks like that?
~ Needless cameo #3 - Ken Foree as the truck driver.
~ You know...even though Laurie's friends in Carpenter's
Halloween weren't saints, we at least LIKED them. Annie and Linda 2K7 are typical dislikable sluts just like every other modern horror movie disposable victim character. Oh, and needless cameo #4 - Danielle Harris, a.k.a. Michael's niece from
Halloween 4 and
5.
~ Needless cameo #5 - Udo Kier.
~ Needless cameo #6 - Brad Dourif, in a scene that makes a mockery of the original movie. The "walking home from school" sequence truly felt like a documentary in the original, with the three girls having a fairly realistic high school conversation. When the original score from the 1978 movie kicks in during THIS version, somehow the feeling of watching the kids next door is lost after hearing the three cartoon characters spout off about all the random guys they've snorked/been wanted by.
~ Yes, random stoner boyfriend, let's snork in the creepy old Myers house.
~ Linda's boyfriend's death in the original movie is classic and creepy - in this one, it's just really uninspired, quick, and lame.
~ I realize I'm in the minority here, but I actually prefer this movie's second half, if nothing else than for the nostaligia factor and the fact that "Carpenter's
Halloween on steroids" usually reminds me to watch the original movie.
~ It's also more tolerable because Dourif, in typical Dourif form, turns in the best performance of the movie by a mile as Sheriff Brackett.
~ "May we return to the subject we explored earlier in the evening?" Yeah, Rob, don't try writing children.
~ For another long story short, this movie SEVERELY falls flat in the horror aspect. The original had Michael stalking and stalking and waiting and waiting until the tension became unberable...then there'd be a calm before the storm...and THEN the kill. Myers bum-rushing every victim falls into the "painfully unscary" category. Case in point: Annie and Paul's murder scene, as Myers walks behind them for a grand total of five seconds before the blitz.
~ Keeping up with that theme, remember the original's classic scene where Laurie walks through the darkened house and FINALLY finds the body of Annie? Yeah, we just get an open door and a whole lotta screaming in this movie. You know what? This trend continues throughout the "Laurie's battle with Michael" sequence of the movie, so this is the last I'll mention it.
~ It's been said before, but yeah, the scene where Michael kneels down before Laurie, as if promising that he won't hurt her, only for Laurie to scream "you mothersnorker!" and stab him is mind-numbingly retarded.
~ Michael = The Kool-Aid Man. Crashing through walls is definitely his specialty.
~ Did anybody else think
Poltergeist during the scene when Laurie attempts to claw out of the pit?
~ Okay, Doctor Dumbass, he didn't listen to you for fifteen years - for some reason, I doubt yelling "Stop!" now is going to have any different effect.
~ And now Michael listens? WTF??
~ I'm trying to think of something to say during the movie's little coda chase/showdown, but really, what is there to say? It's incredibly bland and by-the-numbers.
~ And that's a wrap, folks. This was only my second viewing of the film, and my opinion didn't change...at all. To quote my good buddy tehoobz: "Rob Zombie's
Halloween is a sterling example of how
not to do a remake. Needless cameos, changes just for the sake of change, and making your villain a hulking monster are things to avoid." Couldn't have said it better myself - but I've finally exorcised myself of the demons associated with watching this film. ;D And hey, one good thing about this movie...it makes you appreciate the original two films even more. ;D
And the way this turned out, I did another one of my long, drawn-out, masturbatory self-righteous reviews after all. I suppose I should rate the movie...let's say 1/2 *.