"Guy walks into a bar" jokes

[Urethra Franklin]

A monkey walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The monkey says, "At this point, I don't even care. What a day. The kids woke me up screaming this morning and then I got into it with the wife. Traffic was insane on the way to work. When I finally get there, somebody's in my spot, so it takes another 15 minutes to find parking. I come into the office and discover that my secretary is sick, so I'm answering my own phone. Then I discover that the copier is busted and nobody knows anything, so I spend almost an hour on the phone with tech support trying to get things fixed and to top it all off, I forgot my lunch. So give me whatever."

Bartender replies, "I'm sorry your day sucked, but why the long tale?"

[s l i k]

Guy walks into a bar.

Jerry Seinfeld is performing stand-up.

Jerry asks

"What's the deal with Lesbians? They aren't less and they don't want you to be-in-'ems"

Patrons laugh.

[jrcz]

Guy walks into a bar
"Those jokes are lame but yet funny."

[nm]

A bar walks into a guy.

[devilfish]

Rene Descartes walked into a bar, he sits down and orders a beer, after he finishes the beer, the barmaid asks him "Another beer Mr. Descartes?" Rene replies "I Think Not" and POOF! he vanishes!

[jrcz]

Gay walks into a bar

<_<
>_>

[AnM is back]

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a mop.



(My favorite"bar" joke)

[Shy Guy]

Jun 9, 2011 6:43:21 GMT -5 AnM is back said:

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a mop.



(My favorite"bar" joke)

my brother told me this one but had it as:

a skeleton walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "what can i get for you?"

the skeleton replies, "a beer. and a mop. and sex with your wife!"

[Deleted]

I loved this one ever since I heard Robert Wuhl tell it:

One day, a drunk walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Barkeep, pour everyone in the house a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the tab." So, he pours everyone a drink, one for himself and says, "That'll be $35."
The drunk says, "I ain't got a penny," and laughs in his face. Bartender grabs the guy, smacks him around and throws him out.

Next day, the same drunk walks into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Barkeep, pour everyone in the house a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the tab." Bartender figures this guy isn't stupid enough to pull this again. So, he pours everyone a drink, one for himself and says, "That'll be $35."
The drunk says, "I don't have any money," and laughs even harder. Bartender is steaming mad now. He slaps the guy around, throws him out of the bar.

Third straight day, same drunk walks into the same bar. Says, "Bartender, pour everybody in the house a drink and give me the tab."
Bartender says, "What's the matter, buddy, you're not going to give me one this time?"
The drunk says, "No sir, you get violent when you drink."

[Threadkiller [Classic]]

Here's a circuitous joke I wrote that only works because my last name is Roman.

"Me and my friend Courier walk into a bar in an alternate timeline. We wind up drinking ourselves to death right there in the bar. The next night, we walk into the same bar. The bartender is aghast. He says, 'I thought you guys died!' I say, "Yeah, they did. But this is Courier New and I'm this time's new Roman.'"

Another awful one I wrote, but modified from an existing joke that I can't find anywhere:

"Franz Kafka walks into a bar and demands a vodka tonic. The bartender says, 'We're out of vodka.' This infuriates Kafka, who makes a scene and leads to him getting kicked out by the bouncer. The next night, Kafka goes to a bar down the street, hoping that word hasn't spread about his behavior. He gets to the door and the bouncer halts him. 'Sorry, Franz, we don't take bounced Czechs here.'"

Okay, leaving now.