Nah, that post was absurd. Since when does "I don't want to have sex with you" equate "I don't find you IN ANY WAY worthy"? The latter would actually be the opposite of "friendzone"... the breaking off of a friendship. A person who wants to remain friends with someone else clearly does find them worthy of something: friendship.
Also, since when is attraction about "worthiness"? If a man propositions me for sex, and I'm not attracted to him, I'm automatically saying he's an unworthy human being in every way? Doesn't that imply that I'm obliged to open my legs and my bed for every man with a shred of personal worth? That's positively mad.
Post by darthalexander on Dec 27, 2012 8:31:49 GMT -5
Friendzones can lead to relationships sometimes so they aren't the second worst thing ever. Yeah it sucks having feelings for someone that will probably never be returned but on the scale of worst things I'd put them way down the list.
The best thing to do is put that idea to rest as soon as possible and move on to someone who will like you "that way". Don't spend time lamenting something that will never be. I learned this lesson the hard way.
Post by King Ghidorah on Dec 27, 2012 10:17:06 GMT -5
Again, just because its self inflicted, does not mean it is non existent. You really only have 3 ways options in the friendzone
1. Kill all your romantic emotions for the person and stay friends 2. Cut all contact with the person 3. Continue to stay friends in the hope that you get an opening
If you are friends with someone, congrats, that's not the friendzone. If you're friends with someone and all you can think about is having sex with them, nt it won't happen, you're in the zone. It's simple geography.
All Hail King Ghidorah, My calculations are of course, precise, and the result exactly as I predicted.
Post by Baldobomb-Paid-Impersonator on Dec 27, 2012 14:37:42 GMT -5
yeah I'm tired of this thread too. I say this every time, if you're bitching about being in the "friend zone" you're not much of a friend at all. that said it's okay to have that attitude when you're in high school, and even forgivable for the first couple years afterward. you're a kid really, and you're still learning and you probably hear crap about the "friend zone" all the time so it's understandable to buy into the idea. but there comes a time when you have to mature and realize that you're not entitled to sleeping with someone just because you're nice to them, and pissing and moaning about being in the "friend zone" is for kids.
The "friendzone" concept is something people should really grow out of once they've reached adulthood, or so one would hope. Granted that's very easy to just say, not quite as simple in reality, but in general it's a problem that people encounter less and less in life as they grow more mature and comfortable in their own skin.
It's very simple, and it was said before: if you intend to take a girl out and show romantic interest in her, do it immediately. Don't just BS, don't ask to do over the top favors for her, don't act like you're trying to "earn" a date, just freaking ask for the date, make it known you have an interest and would like to see if it can be a romantic interest. Men (myself totally included) fear rejection, and thus we often settle for the cold comfort of just being on speaking terms with the "girl of our dreams", all the while pining for her love while she either remains oblivious or fearful of things getting weird. This isn't a good thing, it's silly and masochistic, and it isn't right to do to a woman, either.
This isn't to say a guy can never ask a "girl-who-is-a-friend" out, but in order for that to work she must ACTUALLY BE YOUR REAL FRIEND TO BEGIN WITH, a friend who you have an established friendly rapport and comfort level with. This means being around her and not trying to make romantic gestures, and being comfortable with just talking to her like you would anybody else, not the "friendship" some people start because the guy's just looking for an opening to get with her.
The funny thing about having a friendship with a woman, though? You're TOTALLY ALLOWED TO FEEL ATTRACTED TOWARDS HER. It's not weird: you're a guy, she's a gal, and if she's your friend odds are there are things about her you enjoy getting the chance to interact with (personality, sense of humor, intelligence, looks, style, whatever). It's just that there's a gigantic freakin' difference between "she's really cool, it's fun to hang around with her" and "I'm hanging around her in the vain hope that she'll finally demonstrate that she loves me/is sexually attracted to me".
I guess you can make two different definitions of "friendzone". One is the serious, misguided, destructive definition that has to do with the guy who pines for the unattainable girl, but doesn't just man up and face the possibility of rejection. The other is more of a joking term to describe a place a guy might be with a woman he'd be happy to go out with, but is perfectly content if it doesn't happen. I have a long time family friend who I used to crush on badly in high school, but we've grown up, things change, and while I'd still gladly reciprocate if she offered something romantic, I'm also perfectly happy for her that she seems to have found the guy she'll likely marry.
It's growing up: you can be attracted to a woman but still treat her the way you'd treat your buddies, and not like some goddess on a pedestal or some unattainable figure from Poe's "Annabelle Lee".
It's a lesson I certainly wish I had learned earlier in life (along with eating better/exercising more before I got to college, which kind of tied into these things): here I am, 27 years old, and I feel so much more comfortable being around and talking to women I used to feel all jumpy around, and they seek me out to BS or hang out more often. It's not that I'm necessarily getting anything romantic from them, as many of them have boyfriends now (some longterm), but I find myself sitting back and thinking "it's all good". Too bad I couldn't figure it out back when I'd have had a real chance, but I'm definitely happy to have learned and grown, makes me feel infinitely less pressure and much more at ease with myself.
Bingo. Plus I'm friends with women that are married to my friends. Am I attracted to them? Deep down, sure, probably. They are attractive women and as a heterosexual male, that's natural to feel. But I don't desire them or anything. They're my friends because I like being around with them and I have no interest in any romantic pursuits.
The friendzone is sexual immaturity on the part of the friendzoned IMO. Rejection totally sucks, but you gotta deal. Rejection is short term. Ugly, but short term. You'll move on. The friendzone lingers and gets worse over time. And guess what? It's all your doing. You're the one forming a "friendship" on disingenuous grounds of hopeful nookie or romance.
Now, if you feel attraction for someone that's a genuine friend (and single) then that's fine. But let him/her know that you've developed feelings. I was friends for someone for a year that I became more and more attracted to as our friendship grew. Instead of beating around the bush or acting like a passive-aggressive dweeb, I just told her straight out "I care about you a lot and I have feelings for you." A 3 1/2 year relationship followed. I was scared as hell doing it. And I was so worried about rejection and especially losing the friendship. She helped me out in some really tough spots in life and I valued our friendship more than my romantic feelings for her. But that's a risk you have to take.
I truly never thought of "friendzone" as entitlement of sex before this thread. I still don't but I guess it's cause consider the big "friendzone" moment that marked my own life a good decade ago more romance-based than horniness-based. Heck, she was super religious so she was set to wait till marriage...and I was cool with that. Now THAT'S true love when it comes to a horny young man
Post by HMARK Center on Dec 27, 2012 15:50:33 GMT -5
Don't assume it's simply about the sexual aspect: it can just as easily be a guy legitimately feeling romantic urges towards a woman, with the physical side being secondary.
But the point remains, it revolves around a sense of entitlement. If you're using the term "-zone" to specify the seemingly friendly relationship you have with a woman, it implies that you're qualifying that relationship, that it doesn't stand on its own as an actual friendship and is instead a situation you do not wish to be in. Otherwise, it'd simply be "friend".
The issue becomes that if the man involved is in a situation he can't stand/doesn't want to be in, why on Earth would he remain there? The answer is entitlement: "If I engage in this sort of behavior, she will or should eventually see me as a viable romantic/sexual/etc. option", or shorter, "If I do X, I will or should receive Y".
To say "I have feelings for this woman, but she's not interested back" isn't immediately a "friendzone" thing; it's a normal situation many people deal with. It's about how a person responds to that scenario that defines this.