(Ultimate X-men's Dazzler, much like Sheena, was a Punk Rocker)
The fifteen remaining would-be FAN Idols were wrapping up a photo session for the official FAN Idol Season IX Musical Calendar at the Official FAN sound stage when the Host arrived bearing the Judge's results for
Round 15: Ladies' Night. WWE legend Rick "The Model" Martel directed the photo session, applying his own eccentric ideas to the project.
Looking around at the contestants, the Host muttered to himself "... man, I really dodged a bullet by get eliminated..."
Well known in the modeling world for his offbeat fashion notions, Mr. Martel reveled in the opportunity to dress his Idol dolls to reflect the current Round's theme. Man, woman, it didn't matter, as High Fashion, in the French Canadian's opinion, was a goal that everyone should strive towards.
The Model had J wear gigantic purple sunglasses that obscured his face, a face further hidden by a coif of feathery hair. J, much to his chagrin, was decked out in a tie-dyed t-shirt with a stylized "J", jagged like a lightning bolt, emblazoned on his shirt front. Worse yet was the vintage white-washed jeans and the innumerable beaded necklaces that hung down from his neck. This was not the first time J had to play dress up for a FAN photo shoot, being a enigmatic record producer apparently meant that photographers could dress you up in whatever strange fantasy tickled their artistic fancy, but this was ridiculous. The pants were nearly fifty years old and were far tighter than hippie pants would suggest:
Boris the Soviet Love Hammer and Hayden found Mr. Martel's directions bizarre and obtuse, as they were handed a complicated set of mathematical formulas and what appeared to be lines of longitude and latitude. Addressing their fashion director:
Boris: So, let me get this straight. You want us to exist both here at the FAN sound stage and also in Oslo, Norway? Then, we're to pose- and I quote- like "swans who have just realized the harshness of life but not yet the gratitude of death"... ok, I can do the harshness of life thing but how the hell are we going to exist here and simultaneously in Norway?
Hayden: (choosing his words carefully, trying to figure this all out) Right, you want us to also reveal to the calendar's audience "the whimsy of the fourth dimension". I mean, I don't believe the fourth dimension to be particularly whimsical in the first place, so how-
Boris: Wait, what? What fourth dimension? Don't tell me that you understand that stupid handout he gave us?
Rick Martel (smiling patiently and looking at the two FAN contestants): Mr. Hayden, how you say, KNOWS all there is to know about both 4th dimensions and swans. Moreover, that was no mere "stupid handout". Merde. Indeed, it was treatise on the finer points of coexisting in this and the loftier dimensions that surround us. Of course, I was a mere dilettante before Senor Tito Santana enlightened me on the-
Senor Tyger: Yes, yes, enough already. Tito Santana mysteriously disappeared in an Argentinian village in front of a crowd of reliable witnesses using sorcery. You tell that story every time I see you.
Rick Martel:... well, he did. Poof. He disappeared, mon amie, into air that is thin. When he returned to us from the fourth dimension, he had mastered the fine art of bull fighting.
As this was going on, poor Boris and Hayden had to dress up in "Big Science" era Laurie Anderson science suits. Mr. Martel swore that everyone in the future would be wearing such garb, at least everyone that mattered:
Senor Tyger was about to gather up the FAN Idol contestants when a leather jacket wearing Knalsic Loves to Boogie ran up to him, an enormous grin on his face:
Senor Tyger: Why are you smiling? I know that, all things considered, you made out pretty good. Dressing up like Joan Jett's pretty simple. I mean, leather jacket, leather pants, pretty unisex-
Knalsic: Oh no, it's not that. Heh. Roxie Daggers and some of the others were supposed to dress up as the Go Gos, only the FAN wardrobe company made a slight error and, well, Mr. Martel said we'd just have to make due...
Senor Tyger: How slight? (sees Season IX's only remaining female contestant completely pissed off and walking quickly towards him after posing for Rick Martel)
Roxie (scowling at the Host): I better win this stupid thing. If not (pulls out dagger) and I'm going to have me a nice Tyger skin rug in front of my fireplace (stomps off).
Majin Brad, dressed in a Patsy Cline style country singer suit: (Smiling) Roxie looks great!
Here are the results for
Round 15: Ladies Night. This Round's winner will have the option of selecting an additional song for
Round 16: Across the Pond . Due to that Round's theme, the Round winner, if he or she elects to choose an additional song,
must choose 1 English song and 1 Song from the United States. The higher scoring song will count for the purposes of total points in that Team Round.
In 15th place, with a total score of 22, is a contestant who knows a little rain must fall now and then. There's still plenty of game left to give a happy ending to...
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Moonie!!! who chose Sex Pistols-linked The Raincoats and their storybook Fairytale in the Supermarket!!!
With 26 points and landing in 14th place is a contestant that sticks to his musical guns time and time again. We love him for being who he is...
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Jazzman!!! who holds true, selecting the contralto vocals of Canadian jazz pianist Diana Krall and her Just the Way You Are!!!
Bringing in 31 points from our judges and wrapping up 13th place is a contestant who found success by employing a musical group once described as "Riverdance for the Voice". Time to tap along with...
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Gus "The Predator" Richlen!!! who painted us a picture of fields of barley and the west wind with Celtic Woman's Fields of Gold!!!
Adding to the diversity that marks this Round is a contestant who picked a song from a musician who was once a Jehovah's Witness and is now described as being "angry, damaged, and supremely talented". All alone in 12th place, with 36 points, just one point away from a tie with 11th is...
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Square!!! who's beating down the competition American History X-style with the volatile Meg Myers and her Curbstomp!!!
Cruising into 11th place with 37 points, just one point away from a tie with 10th, is a contestant who can be counted on to take us to some interesting musical vistas. Choosing a musician known for using a unique musical instrument is...
{Spoiler}{Spoiler}{Spoiler}{Spoiler}{Spoiler}{Spoiler}radradsley!!! who continues to walk on the wild side, bringing forth Canadian folk singer Basia Bulat and her autoharp, as featured in Tall Tall Shadow!!!
Breaking into the top ten with 38 points, just one point shy of a tie for 9th, is a contestant who is a constant threat to break open any given Round. Dipping into a bit of alt-dream pop is...
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Pegasus Warrior!!! who continues to musically branch out, whipping out Belly's Feed the Tree!!!
Continuing the trend of razor thin scoring margins is a contestant who chose an under the radar band who draw inspiration from American Indian culture. Securely in 9th place with 39 points is...
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Orange!!! who continues to find his way around this Season, keeping true with Kan Wakan's Forever Found!!!
Enjoying 40 big time points and 8th place, just one point away from a tie with 7th place, is a contestant who chose a song that has been featured in such video games as Karaoke Revolution Country and Country Dance. Time to put on the cowboy boots and go muddin' with...
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Majin Brad!!! who evoked scenes of country saloons and pick-up trucks with Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson!!!
At lucky number seven, with 41 points, is a contestant who has been served well so far with music that's a bit heavier than the norm for FAN Idol. Choosing a song by one of the vanguards of "opera metal" is...
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Mr. B Natural: Law/Disorder!!! who laced this Round like Vince McMahon bringing in the NWO with former Nightwish vocalist Tarja Turunen's cover of Alice Cooper's Poison!!!
Occupying 6th place with 42 points, just two points off from a tie with 5th, is a contestant who has been a formidable presence this entire competition. Picking one of the most polarizing figures in recent pop music culture, one that is both a fierce artist and controversial celebrity is...
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Roxie Daggers!!! who showed a mellower side of alternative riot grrl Courtney Love and Hole, with their Heaven Tonight!!!
Climbing up to 5th place, earning an easy-breezy 44 points, is a contestant who sent us a song that has been nigh-inescapable as of late on the airways. The song was performed by a musician with a celebrated Broadway background who has now taken a foothold on Hollywood. Let's break the ice with...
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Hayden!!! who clings on and won't let this competition slip with Idina Menzel's Let It Go, as featured in the Disney smash hit "Frozen"!!!
Standing tall in 4th place with 47 points at this most important juncture, is a contestant who chose a song from a band known for their lush production, as seen in a debut album that featured no less than 22 musicians. Bringing us a pick once described as "deliriously infectious" is...
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J!!! who gambled on the near pop symphonic styling of baroque pop band San Fermin's Sonsick!!!
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Boris the Soviet Love Hammer.
Knalsic Loves to Boogie.
Sloth Spartan.
Please Step forward.
The three of you are the highest scoring contestants for Round 15: Ladies' Night. This is a particularly interesting category because it eliminated countless musical acts from consideration while highlighting many of popular music's greatest performers. The sheer diversity of this Round is truly admirable and it shows that this contestant pool may do wonderfully when the categories become a bit more difficult and exacting.
The winner of Round 15: Ladies' Night will have the option of choosing an additional song for Round 16: Across the Pond, with the added stipulation that one song must be from an English musician and one song must be from an American one. While that is a great advantage, all three of you have set yourself well for the next Round.
The winner of Round 15: Ladies' Night, scoring 54 points is...
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Boris the Love Soviet Love Hammer!!! Appropriately enough, he chose Ladykillers by shoegaze English band Lush!!! Great job!
Not to be outdone, with 52 points and 2nd place is...
Knalsic Loves to Boogie!!! who succeed well this Round with the legendary Etta James' take on the blues/rock staple Spoonful!!!
And rounding out the top three in spectacular fashion is...
Sloth Spartan!!! who brought some electronic groove to the Round with Krewella's acoustic take on their Alive!!!
Congratulations to all three for setting the bar high and to all our contestants for this Round, as you truly did justice to this theme!
Judges' Rankings:
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1. Boris the Soviet Love Hammer
Ladykillers- Lush
CF-13, D-14, FW-14, NC-5, SC-8= 54
2. Knalsic Loves to Boogie
Spoonful- Etta James
CF-10, D-12, FW-13, NC-3, SC-14= 52
3. Sloth Spartan
Alive (Acoustic)- Krewella
CF-14, D-10, FW-8, NC-14, SC-4= 50
4. J
Sonsick- San Fermin
CF-3, D-9, FW-5, NC-15, SC-15= 47
5. Hayden-
Let it Go- Idina Menzel
CF-11, D-5, FW-9, NC-6, SC-13= 44
6. Roxie Daggers
Heaven Tonight- Hole
CF-15, D-4, FW-11, NC-11, SC-1= 42
7. Mr. B Natural: Law/Disorder
Poison- Tarja Turunen
CF-12, D-11, FW-6, NC-8, SC-5= 41
8. Majin Brad
Redneck Woman- Gretchen Wilson
CF-5, D-15, FW-10, NC-7, SC-3= 40
9. Orange
Forever Found- Kan Wakan
CF-7, D-7, FW-3, NC-13, SC-9= 39
10. Pegasus Warrior
Feed the Tree- Belly
CF-4, D-2, FW-15, NC-10, SC-7= 38
11. Radradsley
Tall Tall Shadow- Basia Bulat
CF-9, D-8, FW-4, NC-4, SC-12= 37
12. Square
Curbstomp- Meg Myers
CF-2, D-13, FW-1, NC-9, SC-11= 36
13. Gus “The Predator” Richlen
Fields of Gold (Live)- Celtic Woman
CF-6, D-1, FW-2, NC-12, SC-10= 31
14. Jazzman-
Just the Way You Are- Diana Krall
CF-8, D-3, FW-7, NC-2, SC-6= 26
15. Moonie
Fairytale in the Supermarket- The Raincoats
CF-1, D-6, FW-12, NC-1, SC-2= 22
