wisdomwizard
King Koopa
Too Salty
Watching you.
Posts: 11,087
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Post by wisdomwizard on Dec 27, 2013 18:25:47 GMT -5
Since this is still the most hilarious place I have ever been to on the World Wide Web, I'm hoping it won't disappoint with the stuff people bring up. We all love to laugh, every now and then stuff gets hard and all we want to do is forget any misery or turbulence there might be enjoy ourselves with a good laugh. So, whether it a great joke by your favorite stand-up comedian, a good movie, a book you read, or something that graced your ears in real life; what is the funniest joke you've ever heard? The only rule for this thread is please no "So and so's music/movie/whatever career" or "this thread" joke.
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Post by A Platypus Rave on Dec 27, 2013 18:27:52 GMT -5
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Post by SsnakeBite, the No1 Frenchman on Dec 27, 2013 19:17:12 GMT -5
All you need to know is that it's called "The Aristocrats".
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Post by DiBiase is Good on Dec 27, 2013 19:30:10 GMT -5
A milkman knocks on a door and a woman answers. The Milkman asks "How many pints today Love?", the woman answers "F*** off. My dog has just died".
Now, you're probably thinking that it's not the funniest joke you've ever heard. In fact, you're probably thinking it's not even funny. I'd go one further and say it's not even a joke. However, that "joke" was told to me in the middle of an exam at school where we were meant to be in absolute silence. I got the giggles really bad and every time I looked at my friend I laughed even more. By the end of the exam (how I never got kicked out of it is a mystery to me) my eyes were streaming with tears and my cheek bones were sore with laughter.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2013 19:43:10 GMT -5
"In 1945...peace broke out" is probably my favorite line ever.
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Brood Lone Wolf Funker
Ozymandius
Got fined anyway. Possibly a Moose
James Franco is the white Donald Glover
Posts: 61,212
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Post by Brood Lone Wolf Funker on Dec 27, 2013 19:54:21 GMT -5
Why did the banana date the other banana {Spoiler}he found her appealing
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wisdomwizard
King Koopa
Too Salty
Watching you.
Posts: 11,087
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Post by wisdomwizard on Dec 27, 2013 19:56:42 GMT -5
All you need to know is that it's called "The Aristocrats". No, I need to know what version you heard.
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Paco
Hank Scorpio
Posts: 7,145
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Post by Paco on Dec 27, 2013 20:08:42 GMT -5
Do you like fish sticks?
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Post by Shy Guy on Dec 27, 2013 23:31:48 GMT -5
why did the monkey fall out of the tree? {Spoiler}{Spoiler}because it was dead
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Cranjis McBasketball☝🏻
Crow T. Robot
Knew what the hell that thing was supposed to be
Peace Love and Nothing But
Posts: 41,799
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Post by Cranjis McBasketball☝🏻 on Dec 27, 2013 23:56:51 GMT -5
All you need to know is that it's called "The Aristocrats". No, I need to know what version you heard. I think we all know it's Gilbert Gottfried's.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2013 11:26:11 GMT -5
Every time I'm pressed to tell a joke, the only one I can ever think of is:
Man goes to see a doctor. Doc says, "I got good news and bad news." "Well, what's the good news?" Doctor says, "You have a sperm count of 1." Man is flabbergasted. "That's the good news? What's the bad news?" Doctor holds his arms wide over his head and says, "It's this big and it wants out now."
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Post by Throwback on Dec 28, 2013 12:40:16 GMT -5
Man goes to the doctor. "Doc, you gotta help me. My body hurts every where I touch" The man touches his chest "ow" then he touches his head "ow" then he touches his legs "ow"
The doctor looks the man over and says "sir, your finger is broken"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2013 12:48:24 GMT -5
Man goes to the doctor. "Doc, you gotta help me. My body hurts every where I touch" The man touches his chest "ow" then he touches his head "ow" then he touches his legs "ow" The doctor looks the man over and says "sir, your finger is broken"
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Post by Mc Mc Mannequin on Dec 28, 2013 19:16:22 GMT -5
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns. Johnny is loving the clowns and their humourous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?" "No" replies little Johnny "Are you the rear end of an ass?" "No"' replies little Johnny again. "In that case," says the clown, "You must be no end of an ass."
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, "Little Johnny, don't worry. Your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out." At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns. Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?" Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice, "f*** off you Red nosed c***!"
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Push R Truth
Patti Mayonnaise
Unique and Special Snowflake, and a pants-less heathen.
Perpetually Constipated
Posts: 39,219
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Post by Push R Truth on Dec 28, 2013 19:32:06 GMT -5
What do you call a cow with no legs? {Spoiler}{Spoiler}Ground Beef
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Post by Father Dougal McGuire on Dec 28, 2013 19:48:21 GMT -5
My favorite joke ever, Robin Harris - The Piccolo Player (language warning)
And here is a bad one...
Knock Knock
Smellmop.
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odor31
Unicron
The Stunner Collector
Posts: 3,240
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Post by odor31 on Dec 28, 2013 22:17:49 GMT -5
Why does the Tampa Bay football team wear helmets?
To keep their Buccaneers warm.
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Post by Beets by Schrute on Dec 28, 2013 23:10:37 GMT -5
Two pretzels were walking down the street... {Spoiler}{Spoiler}and one of them was assalted
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BigBadZ
Grimlock
The Rumors Are All True
Posts: 13,923
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Post by BigBadZ on Dec 28, 2013 23:30:41 GMT -5
What was Beethoven's favorite food?? {Spoiler}Ba-na-na-na's
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jagilki
Patti Mayonnaise
Nobody notices him; No, we noticed him
f*** Cancer
Posts: 33,594
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Post by jagilki on Dec 28, 2013 23:39:24 GMT -5
The funniest joke I ever heard was
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