Hey let's quote Mitch Hedberg

[Vice honcho room temperature]

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having

Damnit Otto you're an alcoholic

Damnit Otto you have lupus

[The Unconquered Sun]

i don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

[DASH 243✅]

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

[A Platypus Rave]

An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

[Deleted]

I saw a wino eating grapes, and I said "Dude, you have to wait."

[Deleted]

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

[The Unconquered Sun]

 I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake

[Brood Lone Wolf Funker]

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

[HisRoyalGreeness]

I have a leather vest. If I had no arms it would be a jacket.

[Blindkarevik]

My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"

[J]

I used to do drugs...I still do, but I used to, too.


You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

[Mutant Couch]

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say, “I’m hungry.” So it died.

[Porky's Butthole]

The FedEx guy is a drug dealer and don't even know it.

[Capt Lunatic]

If you were traveling at the speed of light and turned on your headlights, would anything happen?

And yeah...I know.

[fw91]

One night I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3AM, and there was a sign on the door that said, "sorry we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3AM, and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.

[H-Virus]

People who make refried beans should try making fried beans. They could be just as good and you're wasting your time.

[DASH 243✅]

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

[Deleted]

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?

[H-Virus]

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be way too long.

[Deleted]

I like to wear a 'Do Not Disturb' sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. I'll be like "Hey how you doing nephew?" "Knock knock." "Read the sign, punk!"