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Post by Vice honcho room temperature on Jan 6, 2015 11:55:30 GMT -5
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having
Damnit Otto you're an alcoholic
Damnit Otto you have lupus
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The Unconquered Sun
King Koopa
He has no pants! What a heathen!
Lord of Storms and Kittens!
Posts: 11,548
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Post by The Unconquered Sun on Jan 6, 2015 12:21:51 GMT -5
i don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Post by DASH 243✅ on Jan 6, 2015 12:46:47 GMT -5
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Post by A Platypus Rave on Jan 6, 2015 12:49:34 GMT -5
An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2015 12:51:27 GMT -5
I saw a wino eating grapes, and I said "Dude, you have to wait."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2015 13:16:28 GMT -5
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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The Unconquered Sun
King Koopa
He has no pants! What a heathen!
Lord of Storms and Kittens!
Posts: 11,548
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Post by The Unconquered Sun on Jan 6, 2015 18:32:13 GMT -5
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake
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Brood Lone Wolf Funker
Ozymandius
Got fined anyway. Possibly a Moose
James Franco is the white Donald Glover
Posts: 61,772
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Post by Brood Lone Wolf Funker on Jan 6, 2015 18:49:16 GMT -5
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Post by HisRoyalGreeness on Jan 6, 2015 19:05:08 GMT -5
I have a leather vest. If I had no arms it would be a jacket.
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Blindkarevik
Grimlock
Rock... Paper... Straight-edge!
I Like To <blank>
Posts: 14,343
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Post by Blindkarevik on Jan 6, 2015 19:06:07 GMT -5
My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
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J
Don Corleone
Posts: 1,915
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Post by J on Jan 6, 2015 19:17:03 GMT -5
I used to do drugs...I still do, but I used to, too.
You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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Post by Mutant Couch on Jan 6, 2015 19:23:58 GMT -5
I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say, “I’m hungry.” So it died.
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Post by Porky's Butthole on Jan 6, 2015 19:27:49 GMT -5
The FedEx guy is a drug dealer and don't even know it.
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Capt Lunatic
Unicron
Buttah in mah ass, lollipops in mah mouth
Posts: 3,241
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Post by Capt Lunatic on Jan 6, 2015 20:04:26 GMT -5
If you were traveling at the speed of light and turned on your headlights, would anything happen?
And yeah...I know.
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fw91
Patti Mayonnaise
FAN Idol All-Star: FAN Idol Season X and *Gavel* 2x Judges' Throwdown winner
Tribe has spoken for 2024 Mets
Posts: 38,900
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Post by fw91 on Jan 6, 2015 20:20:53 GMT -5
One night I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3AM, and there was a sign on the door that said, "sorry we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3AM, and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.
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H-Virus
Hank Scorpio
A Real Contagious Experience
Posts: 5,961
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Post by H-Virus on Jan 6, 2015 20:39:52 GMT -5
People who make refried beans should try making fried beans. They could be just as good and you're wasting your time.
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Post by DASH 243✅ on Jan 6, 2015 21:03:13 GMT -5
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2015 21:44:06 GMT -5
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?
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H-Virus
Hank Scorpio
A Real Contagious Experience
Posts: 5,961
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Post by H-Virus on Jan 6, 2015 22:13:16 GMT -5
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be way too long.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2015 22:22:14 GMT -5
I like to wear a 'Do Not Disturb' sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. I'll be like "Hey how you doing nephew?" "Knock knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
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