Cranjis McBasketball
Crow T. Robot
Knew what the hell that thing was supposed to be
Peace Love and Nothing But
Posts: 41,891
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Post by Cranjis McBasketball on Jan 6, 2015 22:54:48 GMT -5
This 'Improv' sign is all over, all the improvs have it, and in Tempe, Arizona, the sign is made out of gold. I swear to God. And the dude wasn't gonna pay me, so I stole the 'M', 'cause the 'M' seems like it weighs the most. Followed by the 'R'. Then the 'P'. The 'P' was one little thing away from being as heavy as the 'R'. So I had a gold 'M', and I asked the guy if he'd like to buy a Gold 'M'. He said "No, what the f*** do I want a gold 'M' for?" "Well how 'bout a gold 'W'?"I had a bad set here last night, and they added an 'E' to the end of the sign.
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H-Virus
Hank Scorpio
A Real Contagious Experience
Posts: 5,961
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Post by H-Virus on Jan 6, 2015 23:05:24 GMT -5
I play golf. I've never got a hole in one, but I have hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. I know you're supposed to yell 'Fore', but I was too busy saying 'There's no way that's actually gonna hit him'.
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Post by Evilution E5150 on Jan 6, 2015 23:08:31 GMT -5
Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some special rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.
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Cranjis McBasketball
Crow T. Robot
Knew what the hell that thing was supposed to be
Peace Love and Nothing But
Posts: 41,891
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Post by Cranjis McBasketball on Jan 7, 2015 0:06:26 GMT -5
You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, f***, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!
My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely f***s up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
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fw91
Patti Mayonnaise
FAN Idol All-Star: FAN Idol Season X and *Gavel* 2x Judges' Throwdown winner
Tribe has spoken for 2024 Mets
Posts: 38,913
Member is Online
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Post by fw91 on Jan 7, 2015 0:42:47 GMT -5
"They say the main ingredients of Sprite are lemon and lime, but I tried to make some at home, there's more to it than that.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2015 1:00:58 GMT -5
They say 13 is an unlucky number, well then so should the letter B because it looks like a scrunched together 13. "Hello, what is your name?" "Bob." "Get the f*** away!"
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Post by No Name is needed Bro Beans on Jan 7, 2015 1:08:01 GMT -5
I bought jump rope man that thing is just a rope you have to make the jump thing happen
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fw91
Patti Mayonnaise
FAN Idol All-Star: FAN Idol Season X and *Gavel* 2x Judges' Throwdown winner
Tribe has spoken for 2024 Mets
Posts: 38,913
Member is Online
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Post by fw91 on Jan 7, 2015 3:01:57 GMT -5
Dufrene, party of 3? Dufrene, party of 3?
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Post by No Name is needed Bro Beans on Jan 7, 2015 3:46:46 GMT -5
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut I'll just give you the money and you give me the doughnut end of transaction We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend,Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut I got the documentation right here oh wait it's at home in the file under D
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Cranjis McBasketball
Crow T. Robot
Knew what the hell that thing was supposed to be
Peace Love and Nothing But
Posts: 41,891
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Post by Cranjis McBasketball on Jan 7, 2015 4:08:24 GMT -5
All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "Prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti. And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."
I have long hair, and see: people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like "an extreme longing for cake." People would see a guy with long hair and say, "Damn, that f***er eats cake, he's on bundt cake." Mothers telling their daughters, "Don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
---------------
As a fellow long haired dude, I relate.
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J
Don Corleone
Posts: 1,915
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Post by J on Jan 7, 2015 5:10:49 GMT -5
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Post by Malibu Stacy on Jan 7, 2015 6:27:03 GMT -5
A rotisserie is like a really morbid merry-go-round for chickens.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2015 10:15:33 GMT -5
My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition but, c'mon man, people on the 14th floor? You know what floor you're really on. "Hey what room are you in?" "1401" "No you're not. Jump out the window, you will die earlier."
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Post by Vice honcho room temperature on Jan 8, 2015 0:18:09 GMT -5
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon? "Dr.Scholl's makes foot products. Right? And he's a doctor... which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn't take alot to figure out that stepping on a cushion will be more comfortable. That ....er wasted lots of time at school. 'Cause I woulda bought that shit from a Mr.Scholl. Maybe even a senior Scholl." So get your doctorate if you are going to make a copy because you're better then that but footwear if you have the idea becoming a doctor is a waste of time. Mitch you are weird.
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