Post by Gus Richlen Was Wrong on Apr 25, 2019 2:23:28 GMT -5
Last year, we saw a number of players get drafted in the 2018 NFL Draft. The jury is still out on many of them but they all had one thing in common: They all now have mentions on at least three Wikipedia pages for the rest of Wikipedia's existence.
As we approach the next edition of the Draft, what will we see unfold? What teams will get what they need, what teams will overreach, and how many times will the phrase "Charlotte Flair would get cheered if she interrupted Roger Goodell" be used in the NFL Thread?
That's where I come in.
Last year, I made an extensive prediction of the first round of the draft, and with maybe one exception, I was so far off with my predictions I was able to earn my degree in TV Psychic Readings from Whatthehelliswrongwith U.. But this year? This year will be different. I have done much more extensive research, and let me tell you, those thirteen seconds will pay off for any scouts reading this. (TO ANY SCOUTS READING THIS: No, I am not a cute little kitty girl who is friends with a cute little inchling princess, an awesome sentient mecha depending on who you talk to, and a shrunken pro wrestler who once went to college with some guy named Calvin, uh, Calvin, uh, Smith? Didn't Calvin, uh, Smith play for, uh, was it Detroit? I can't remember.)
And there is one other change: There will be 100% fewer Roman Reigns jokes. This is because 1. I may have overdone it last year, 2. I'm trying to flaunt my research prowess so there is no need for those jokes, and 3. I couldn't think of ones even less funny than the ones from last year.
So without further ado, at a truly wretched hour of the evening, my predictions!
1. ARIZONA CARDINALS: Noah Fant, TE, Iowa. Arizona has been projected to take Kyler Murray or Nick Bosa. Murray would be an improvement over Josh "Is It Just Me Or Was I Badly Coached?" Rosen, while Bosa would just be good. But the Cardinals will not be smart and will instead overreach for a TE that would barely make it to the first round on most boards anyway.
2. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Joejuan Williams, CB, Vanderbilt. You would think the 49ers would take advantage of Arizona's stupidity. You would be wrong. Instead, they overreach for a cornerback who isn't bad but is not Top 5 Overall material.
3. NEW YORK JETS: Nick Bosa, LB (DE?), Ohio State. The Buttfumble does take advantage, however. And the pick does not get booed like 2006 John Cena.
4. OAKLAND (?) RAIDERS: Kyler Murray, QB, Oklahoma. Jon "LET'S TRY WHAT WORKED IN 2002 AND GET RID OF OUR BEST PLAYER AS WELL!" Gruden promptly chucks the wasted remains of Derek Carr's career into the Bay and gets another shiny new toy to stomp on. Oh joy.
5. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Tampa Bay Lightning, NHL, Chokesville USA. The Buccaneers suck and will be sucking for a long time to come, so why not embrace a team that can actually make the playoffs and- never mind, they got blocked by a school bus full of preschool t-ball players.
6. NEW YORK SENTIENT DERPS: Eli Manning, QB, THEIR OWN f***ING TEAM. This team is so badly run that it's like one of those old Match Game jokes. "The New York Giants management is so dumb-" "HOW DUMB ARE THEY?"
7. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Conor McGregor, UFC. In their efforts to ramp up their shit-talking game, Jacksonville decides to draft the man who made it a potent yet controversial art form. "The Notorious" replies by chucking himself through a bus window just to get away from Sacksonville Abbey.
8. DETROIT LIONS: Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots. The Lions decide to keep up with two of the other teams in their division by drafting a high-level QB... from another team. Are we sure Matt Millen didn't get rehired?
9. BUFFALOL BILLS: Nathan Peterman, QB, free agency. NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN.
10. DENVER BRONCOS: Marshawn Lynch, RB, retirement. Because John Elway can't just have one guy past his prime! Lynch was unable to be reached for comment.
11. CINCINATTI BUNGLES: Marvin Lewis, former coach, coach for after they fire the new guy midseason. As Andy Dalton's career continues to wither and die, the management continues to make matters worse by deciding to keep Marvin "Can't Win A Playoff Game, And What Is Discipline?" Lewis around to give him a second shot at driving the franchise into the ground. Looks like we found the AFC North's new basement dwellers!
12. GREEN BAY PACKERS: Jawaan Taylor, OT, Florida. Green Bay has had two straight disappointing seasons and now need to do some serious work. This requires a decision: do they go for a pick that can fill a major need and make Aaron Rodgers happy, or do they go for a flashy WR and make Aaron Rodgers REALLY happy? My bet is the former. Our front line is WRETCHED. WRETCHED. f***ING WRETCHED. NFL.com has Taylor predicted here but really, I'll take anything over the talentless hacks we have right now.
13. MIAMI DOLPHINS: Alice Cooper, rock icon, somewhere deep in the Arizona desert. Miami has been in dire need of someone who can throw for a long time now, and does Alice Cooper know how to throw a party or what?!
14. ATLANTA FALCONS: Braun Strowman, WWE. Atlanta has still never recovered from the epic choke against New England when they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. To make everyone forget that they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl, they draft someone who also has had issues with choking, though it's easier to feel sorry for Braun than for a team that blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. Whether this means we get "The Atlanta Falcons Are Too OP" or "The Atlanta Falcons, Who Once Blew A 28-3 Lead In The Super Bowl, Are A Bitch" threads remains to be seen.
15. WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Lars Sullivan, racist, The Official [INSERT NSBM/RAC/WHITE SUPREMACIST BAND HERE] Fanclub. Daniel Snyder has come under fire for refusing to change the team name. In his first act since taking over all draft power for Washington, he doubles down on the racism.
16. CAROLINA PANTHERS:
CHARRRRRRRRRRRLOTTE! THE HURRICANES FEEL SO BAD ABOUT YOUR COLLAPSE THAT THEY DRAFTED ME FOR YOU! I CAN GIVE YOU THE HYPE YOU NEED TO GET PEOPLE TO COME TO YOUR GAMES!!!! (It should be noted that there are serious problems on the team and Cam Newton may need replacing sooner rather than later.) BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THAT SHIT?!?!?! WE HAVE LOTS OF GREAT PLAYERS AND A COACH THAT HOPEFULLY WON'T CHOKE AGAIN!!! WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE NFC SOUTH AND FINALLY WIN THE SUPER BOWL, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT! SO PLEASE, CHARLOTTE, PLEASE COME TO OUR GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMESSSSSSSSS!!!!
17. NEW YORK SENTIENT DERPS: Nobody, nobody. The Giants somehow manage to waste their allotted time and have to forfeit their pick.
18. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Tiger Woods, golfer. Minnesota is so enamored with Tiger's comeback that they draft him in hopes that he can finally get them a Lombardi Trophy. I mean, he WOULD be better than Kirk Cousins.
19. TENNESSEE TITANS: The Taylor Lewan Cloning Machine. Wait, didn't they pick the Taylor Lewan Cloning Machine last year? And why is there an army of Taylor Lewan clones marching up from Nashville? OH GOD OH GOD NOT LIKE THIS-
20. DAYS OF OUR STEELERS: Anyone who isn't a QB, anywhere. Ben Roethlisberger has just been given two more years to add to the toxic environment that is the Pittsburgh Steelers, and they can't have him feel threatened.
21. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL. After how bad things went with Earl Bennett to the point of him flipping off his now former teammates while getting carted off, the Seahawks need someone who can hopefully fix whatever is affecting the locker room. Go ahead, Seattle. He's listening.
22. BALTIMORE RAVENS: Any of the bands that will be part of the lineup for this year's Maryland Deathfest. I ran out of clever things to say already. Oh dear. Maybe I should have done Reigns jokes.
23. HOUSTON TEXANS: Mark Henry, World's Strongest Man, WWE. Houston could really use someone to beef up the defensive front next to JJ Watt. They pick someone who can go from Hall Of Pain to Field Of Screams. Or something like that.
24. OAKLAND RAIDERS: Jon Gruden, coach, Oakland Raiders. In an effort to shape the team more to his liking, Jon Gruden convinces GM Mike Mayock to draft him. It makes no sense but then again neither has anything else Spider 2 Y Banana Man has done.
25. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Xxcjb01xX [PIECE OF: SH-]- wait, never mind, he got traded. OLD MEMES THAT NEVER REALLY CAUGHT ON FOR TEH WIN!!!!111!1one
26. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: SOMEONE FOR THE O-LINE SO ANDREW LUCK DOES NOT GET KILLED.
27. OAKLAND RAI- WAIT, THE RAIDERS AGAIN? THE f***?: Some guy who shouldn't have been picked until Round 6.
28. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS: Someone who isn't Nick Bosa. The Chargers would have loved to have brothers on their team but they won't get that chance unless they go like full Ditka for Ricky Williams, and you never go full Ditka.
29. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Jeff Bimmel, intrepid reporter for the Ballard Press. The Seahawks once had a great RB in Marshawn Lynch and- wait, someone is stealing the Lombardi Trophy! This looks like a job for...
SPEED WALKER!
Yes, it's Speed Walker, the physically fit superhero who fights crime while maintaining strict adherence to the regulations of the International Race Walking Association! Heel, toe, heel, toe! SPEEEEEEEEEEEED WALKERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
30. GREEN BAY PACKERS: A decent QB? As good as Rodgers is, who knows how long he's going to last. NFL.com thinks Drew Lock may fall far enough for Green bay to take a chance, but who knows.
31. LOS ANGELES RAMS: The Zeo Megazord!
Not agaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn-
32. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Sakuya Izayoi, knife-throwing maid who can also stop time, Scarlet Devil Mansion. OK, this is just not fair. They already have Tom "G.O.A.T." Brady, now they have someone who can manipulate time and ensure brady throws nothing but touchdowns? I normally never complain about New England, but COME ON!
And there you have the first round of the 2019 NFL Draft. I look forward to this faring worse than my predictions that Calgary would win the Stanley Cup.
As we approach the next edition of the Draft, what will we see unfold? What teams will get what they need, what teams will overreach, and how many times will the phrase "Charlotte Flair would get cheered if she interrupted Roger Goodell" be used in the NFL Thread?
That's where I come in.
Last year, I made an extensive prediction of the first round of the draft, and with maybe one exception, I was so far off with my predictions I was able to earn my degree in TV Psychic Readings from Whatthehelliswrongwith U.. But this year? This year will be different. I have done much more extensive research, and let me tell you, those thirteen seconds will pay off for any scouts reading this. (TO ANY SCOUTS READING THIS: No, I am not a cute little kitty girl who is friends with a cute little inchling princess, an awesome sentient mecha depending on who you talk to, and a shrunken pro wrestler who once went to college with some guy named Calvin, uh, Calvin, uh, Smith? Didn't Calvin, uh, Smith play for, uh, was it Detroit? I can't remember.)
And there is one other change: There will be 100% fewer Roman Reigns jokes. This is because 1. I may have overdone it last year, 2. I'm trying to flaunt my research prowess so there is no need for those jokes, and 3. I couldn't think of ones even less funny than the ones from last year.
So without further ado, at a truly wretched hour of the evening, my predictions!
1. ARIZONA CARDINALS: Noah Fant, TE, Iowa. Arizona has been projected to take Kyler Murray or Nick Bosa. Murray would be an improvement over Josh "Is It Just Me Or Was I Badly Coached?" Rosen, while Bosa would just be good. But the Cardinals will not be smart and will instead overreach for a TE that would barely make it to the first round on most boards anyway.
2. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Joejuan Williams, CB, Vanderbilt. You would think the 49ers would take advantage of Arizona's stupidity. You would be wrong. Instead, they overreach for a cornerback who isn't bad but is not Top 5 Overall material.
3. NEW YORK JETS: Nick Bosa, LB (DE?), Ohio State. The Buttfumble does take advantage, however. And the pick does not get booed like 2006 John Cena.
4. OAKLAND (?) RAIDERS: Kyler Murray, QB, Oklahoma. Jon "LET'S TRY WHAT WORKED IN 2002 AND GET RID OF OUR BEST PLAYER AS WELL!" Gruden promptly chucks the wasted remains of Derek Carr's career into the Bay and gets another shiny new toy to stomp on. Oh joy.
5. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Tampa Bay Lightning, NHL, Chokesville USA. The Buccaneers suck and will be sucking for a long time to come, so why not embrace a team that can actually make the playoffs and- never mind, they got blocked by a school bus full of preschool t-ball players.
6. NEW YORK SENTIENT DERPS: Eli Manning, QB, THEIR OWN f***ING TEAM. This team is so badly run that it's like one of those old Match Game jokes. "The New York Giants management is so dumb-" "HOW DUMB ARE THEY?"
7. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Conor McGregor, UFC. In their efforts to ramp up their shit-talking game, Jacksonville decides to draft the man who made it a potent yet controversial art form. "The Notorious" replies by chucking himself through a bus window just to get away from Sacksonville Abbey.
8. DETROIT LIONS: Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots. The Lions decide to keep up with two of the other teams in their division by drafting a high-level QB... from another team. Are we sure Matt Millen didn't get rehired?
9. BUFFALOL BILLS: Nathan Peterman, QB, free agency. NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN.
10. DENVER BRONCOS: Marshawn Lynch, RB, retirement. Because John Elway can't just have one guy past his prime! Lynch was unable to be reached for comment.
11. CINCINATTI BUNGLES: Marvin Lewis, former coach, coach for after they fire the new guy midseason. As Andy Dalton's career continues to wither and die, the management continues to make matters worse by deciding to keep Marvin "Can't Win A Playoff Game, And What Is Discipline?" Lewis around to give him a second shot at driving the franchise into the ground. Looks like we found the AFC North's new basement dwellers!
12. GREEN BAY PACKERS: Jawaan Taylor, OT, Florida. Green Bay has had two straight disappointing seasons and now need to do some serious work. This requires a decision: do they go for a pick that can fill a major need and make Aaron Rodgers happy, or do they go for a flashy WR and make Aaron Rodgers REALLY happy? My bet is the former. Our front line is WRETCHED. WRETCHED. f***ING WRETCHED. NFL.com has Taylor predicted here but really, I'll take anything over the talentless hacks we have right now.
13. MIAMI DOLPHINS: Alice Cooper, rock icon, somewhere deep in the Arizona desert. Miami has been in dire need of someone who can throw for a long time now, and does Alice Cooper know how to throw a party or what?!
14. ATLANTA FALCONS: Braun Strowman, WWE. Atlanta has still never recovered from the epic choke against New England when they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. To make everyone forget that they blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl, they draft someone who also has had issues with choking, though it's easier to feel sorry for Braun than for a team that blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. Whether this means we get "The Atlanta Falcons Are Too OP" or "The Atlanta Falcons, Who Once Blew A 28-3 Lead In The Super Bowl, Are A Bitch" threads remains to be seen.
15. WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Lars Sullivan, racist, The Official [INSERT NSBM/RAC/WHITE SUPREMACIST BAND HERE] Fanclub. Daniel Snyder has come under fire for refusing to change the team name. In his first act since taking over all draft power for Washington, he doubles down on the racism.
16. CAROLINA PANTHERS:
CHARRRRRRRRRRRLOTTE! THE HURRICANES FEEL SO BAD ABOUT YOUR COLLAPSE THAT THEY DRAFTED ME FOR YOU! I CAN GIVE YOU THE HYPE YOU NEED TO GET PEOPLE TO COME TO YOUR GAMES!!!! (It should be noted that there are serious problems on the team and Cam Newton may need replacing sooner rather than later.) BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THAT SHIT?!?!?! WE HAVE LOTS OF GREAT PLAYERS AND A COACH THAT HOPEFULLY WON'T CHOKE AGAIN!!! WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE NFC SOUTH AND FINALLY WIN THE SUPER BOWL, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT! SO PLEASE, CHARLOTTE, PLEASE COME TO OUR GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMESSSSSSSSS!!!!
17. NEW YORK SENTIENT DERPS: Nobody, nobody. The Giants somehow manage to waste their allotted time and have to forfeit their pick.
18. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Tiger Woods, golfer. Minnesota is so enamored with Tiger's comeback that they draft him in hopes that he can finally get them a Lombardi Trophy. I mean, he WOULD be better than Kirk Cousins.
19. TENNESSEE TITANS: The Taylor Lewan Cloning Machine. Wait, didn't they pick the Taylor Lewan Cloning Machine last year? And why is there an army of Taylor Lewan clones marching up from Nashville? OH GOD OH GOD NOT LIKE THIS-
20. DAYS OF OUR STEELERS: Anyone who isn't a QB, anywhere. Ben Roethlisberger has just been given two more years to add to the toxic environment that is the Pittsburgh Steelers, and they can't have him feel threatened.
21. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL. After how bad things went with Earl Bennett to the point of him flipping off his now former teammates while getting carted off, the Seahawks need someone who can hopefully fix whatever is affecting the locker room. Go ahead, Seattle. He's listening.
22. BALTIMORE RAVENS: Any of the bands that will be part of the lineup for this year's Maryland Deathfest. I ran out of clever things to say already. Oh dear. Maybe I should have done Reigns jokes.
23. HOUSTON TEXANS: Mark Henry, World's Strongest Man, WWE. Houston could really use someone to beef up the defensive front next to JJ Watt. They pick someone who can go from Hall Of Pain to Field Of Screams. Or something like that.
24. OAKLAND RAIDERS: Jon Gruden, coach, Oakland Raiders. In an effort to shape the team more to his liking, Jon Gruden convinces GM Mike Mayock to draft him. It makes no sense but then again neither has anything else Spider 2 Y Banana Man has done.
25. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Xxcjb01xX [PIECE OF: SH-]- wait, never mind, he got traded. OLD MEMES THAT NEVER REALLY CAUGHT ON FOR TEH WIN!!!!111!1one
26. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: SOMEONE FOR THE O-LINE SO ANDREW LUCK DOES NOT GET KILLED.
27. OAKLAND RAI- WAIT, THE RAIDERS AGAIN? THE f***?: Some guy who shouldn't have been picked until Round 6.
28. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS: Someone who isn't Nick Bosa. The Chargers would have loved to have brothers on their team but they won't get that chance unless they go like full Ditka for Ricky Williams, and you never go full Ditka.
29. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: Jeff Bimmel, intrepid reporter for the Ballard Press. The Seahawks once had a great RB in Marshawn Lynch and- wait, someone is stealing the Lombardi Trophy! This looks like a job for...
SPEED WALKER!
Yes, it's Speed Walker, the physically fit superhero who fights crime while maintaining strict adherence to the regulations of the International Race Walking Association! Heel, toe, heel, toe! SPEEEEEEEEEEEED WALKERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
30. GREEN BAY PACKERS: A decent QB? As good as Rodgers is, who knows how long he's going to last. NFL.com thinks Drew Lock may fall far enough for Green bay to take a chance, but who knows.
31. LOS ANGELES RAMS: The Zeo Megazord!
Not agaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn-
32. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Sakuya Izayoi, knife-throwing maid who can also stop time, Scarlet Devil Mansion. OK, this is just not fair. They already have Tom "G.O.A.T." Brady, now they have someone who can manipulate time and ensure brady throws nothing but touchdowns? I normally never complain about New England, but COME ON!
And there you have the first round of the 2019 NFL Draft. I look forward to this faring worse than my predictions that Calgary would win the Stanley Cup.