Post by Seth Drakin of Monster Crap on Jan 29, 2008 0:02:46 GMT -5
Part 1
Monster Crap Inductee: Epic Movie
2007 GINO Award Winner
2007
Well, folks……wasn’t 2007 such a disappointing year? We have had a lot of threequels, a lot of remakes, and a lot of bad movies overall. In fact, you can mark this day as a day where I stopped going to the movie theater. I mean, I have only seen two movies in 2007 with Spider-man 3 and The Mist. Oh and let me say that both movies disappointed me. But since the beginning of this year, I have decided to highlight the worst movies involving monsters in 2007. And what would be a greater name for this award than the one monster that reminds us all of what a bad movie is in the GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) Award. However, I had almost decided not to do the award because of technological disadvantages. But earlier this year, I was able to get those computer upgrades and thanks to a certain movie that I will name when it finally gets inducted, I decided to go with said award.
Unfortunately, as I have kind of hinted, the movie I was pulling for did not win the award. That would go to the movie we are inducting now into the bathroom known as Monster Crap. The movie that won, by two votes no less, was Epic Movie. And oh boy, did you people choose a doozy of a film that I have to watch. Now while I would normally laugh at this film, I really can’t because despite its best intentions, I didn’t find one bit of this movie funny. Now for some history.
1996………….I’m sure you all thought I was going to mention Scary Movie, but Scary Movie was actually a parody of a parody of the horror genre. The original parody would be done by one Wes Craven in his movie, Scream. Now while the movie was scary, it made fun of all the past horror movies and made fun of the certain rules that exist in a horror movie. Needless to say…..Scream was a huge hit.
2000…..4 years after Scream, the Wayans Brother decided to go on full on parody with the scary movie genre by doing Scary Movie. How successful was this film? At the time the box office numbers came in, it had become the best selling R-rated movie.
In 2001….two parody movies came out, one done by the Wayans Brothers and done by other people who did the original Scary Movie. The Wayans Brothers did a movie called Scary Movie 2, which they were kind of nudged into doing after the success of the first film. While the film was not a complete failure, it did not do as well as the first film. The Wayans Brothers, after this film, saw the writing on the wall for this parody genre and stopped. I think they kind of realized its failures after the two guys they worked with in the original produced a really horrible film in Not Another Teen Movie. This movie was absolutely dreadful and luckily for me, since there are no monsters in this film. I will never EVER review this film.
In 2003…..while the genre should have been dead and buried at this point, it would come to a surprise that the Scary Movie 3 did very well in the box office. However, if you had seen the film like I did, you would have seen that this was like the Battle of the Bulge for this genre in a last ditch effort to make a good movie. Yes, they were gripping for straws with this film.
But the genre would not end as in 2006, some of the people who did Scary Movie 3, but also did Not Another Teen Movie, decided to continue this genre by doing Date Movie. Despite the star of this film being one very funny & cute Alyson Hannigan and doing well for one week, this movie was in the end a piece of dung.
Also Scary Movie 4 came out, but no one really cares.
Now while this should have stopped the genre dead, it didn’t as the movie we are reviewing, Epic Movie, came out in 2007. This film, as you can tell was, is a parody of all the great epic movies of our time. Now what all parodies are supposed to have (which is humor), this film had none. Now I have had enough with an intro this long and let’s see why this film won the 2007 GINO Award winner. May God Rest Our Souls.
We begin this movie with a narration from Roscoe Lee Browne. Now before I continue, let me say that sadly, this would be Mr. Browne’s last role as he died of cancer a few months later after doing this film. Anyway, the narrator tells us…..why should I mention it when you can read it on the screen?
Then we go to the title screen and after that, we go to the first of the orphans, who was raised by a museum creator. Now looking at this female character, you kind of had the opinion that they meant for Alyson Hannigan to star in this movie as well. Well, let’s just say she had better things to do (like be one of the stars in the comedy sitcom “How I Met Your Mother, which is a good show).
Anyway, the woman playing this redhead is instead Jayma Mays, who besides the really bad first name is a very young actress who hasn’t done much in the film industry. The character’s name is Lucy and she is running around looking at paintings. She finds the person who raised her….murdered. We see a pentagram carved into his skin as well as the word “Thug Life”.
Now if this guy looks familiar, he should because it’s David Carridine, who was Bill in the Kill Bill movies. If you don’t remember that, you can know that he is the guy who pimps up YellowBook.com.
Bow Down To The Sensi Of Schilling
Lucy doesn’t want the curator to die as he tells her that she is standing on his hand. How many times have we seen that joke before? She sees the way the museum curator sets himself up and sees that it is a code. Well, that is unfortunate for her since has never seen the Da Vinci Code film nor read the book on tape.
Of course, she is worried because she sees the albino monk Silas, obviously a black guy powdered in white.
Well…the museum curator, seeing that she can’t figure it out for himself, he starts doing a dance that turns his body into letters as Silas comes walking with different objects instead of the whip like nunchucks. Oh this should be seen to be believed. Anyway, Lucy finally figures out that he is spelling Da Vinci. So she walks off while the museum curator goes back to being dead. She goes up to the Mona Lisa and using a special light, reads “So Lame, the hair of Tom”. Now what do you think that clue is going to lead to?
If you guessed it is a picture of Mr. Tom Hanks from the Da Vinci Code movie, you should consider yourself lucky to be not dumb. She then goes on and says lame is a seven letter word so seven must be the code. No offense, but any genius who can count could tell you that the word “lame” is a four letter word. Not only does this dummy not know literary classics, but she also can’t spell or count. She then goes to candy vending machine and types in seven to grab a Willy chocolate bar. She unwraps it and finds out that there is a golden ticket in the candy bar. So obviously she found the right clue. Okay, it has been less than 4 minutes into this movie and we already found a retarded plot hole.
Lucy then proceeds to accidentally breaks the heel of one of her shoes just when Silas is about to jump on her. She ducks to pick up the shoe heel and he goes right into the candy machine.
We then go to the next orphan, Edward.
Hey….its Kumar from the White Castle film. Boy does he look like he wants to do anything but this movie. Anyway, some monk who is supposed to be a rip-off of Nacho Libre comes to Edward and says he made his dinner especially for him.
The food in question is a cat that was just ran over by a car. He puts the food aside, which pisses the monk off to where he takes off his robe to reveal tights. He then screams “Nachooooooooooo (he does this “o” sound for a while)………..Cheese-flavored Doritos are delicious”. What, did you expect him to say Nacho Libre? No, you silly…..this is supposed to be a parody and where would that fit in?
He then crumbles up the Doritos and sneezes them into Edward’s face. This pisses Edward off, who says he is going to be a Lucha Libre wrestler. This does not make the monk happy so he asks Edward if he thinks that he is better than the other orphans, to which Edward says “Yes”. Furious, the monk calls for one of the kids in a cape to teach Edward a lesson in humility. Edward thinks this is a joke that he is facing a child, but the child proceeds to put on a Lucha Libre mask and kick Edward’s ass. While he is being slid on the table, he steals a golden ticket from another monk before he is thrown out of the window.
We then transition to a plane ride where the third orphan, Susan, about to meet her new adoptive parents, and they hint through a magazine cover that it’s going to be Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Unfortunately, the plane she is on is overrun with snakes. Oh yeah, before we get to what happens next, they must mention that Susan has very hairy legs for one scene. Everyone screams and then cue a Samuel L. Jackson look-alike to say the line from Snakes On A Plane that has been heard all over the place so I’m not going to repeat it.
Enough Is Enough. I've Had It With These Mother F***ing Snakes On This Mother F***ing Plane.
I don't know about you, but when Samuel L. Jackson says it, it sounds a million times better. He keeps saying the line to which Susan gets annoyed of. Susan tells the look-alike of her problems with his repeating of the line and he then throws her out of the plane to her death. But Susan is able to survive by landing on and killing a Paris Hilton look-alike. You know, I don’t know about you, but I think that fall and the way she landed would have killed both her and that look-alike and not just the look-alike. She finds a Willy chocolate bar with a golden ticket in the look-alike’s purse and we proceed to the final orphan.
The final orphan is a mutant named Peter and as you can tell, he was also the guy from Date Movie. Peter it seems has a crush on the mutant Mystique, played by Carmen Electra.
Now look back at the cover and see that the Carmen Electra on the cover is not the same as the movie. Oh yeah, and for those MTV freaks out there, the girl next to her is Lauren Conrad from Laguna Beach. Anyway, Peter imagines Mystique dancing for him when instead she is ignoring him and talking to Lauren. Peter gets the balls to just go up and ask Mystique to the Homecoming Dance. Now there are going to be two problems here. One is she is utterly repulsed by Peter and two is that she already has a boyfriend in Wolverine, who shows up with his clique featuring Cyclops, Storm, and Rouge.
The Clique.....X-Men Style
Wolverine seems to be pissed and shoves Edward into the locker. As they leave, Peter gets pissed and calls Wolverine an asshole behind his back. Unfortunately, the mutants hear him as they turn around and it looks like a fight is about to break out. Wolverine then shows his claws and gives Peter the finger with one of his claws. Now, I don’t know about you, but the real Wolverine did that move a lot better than this poser. Peter proceeds to rip off his shirt and as he turns around, we see his mutant powers. He has chicken wings and he clucks like a chicken. Well, the other mutants laugh at him as Magneto shows up.
He breaks up the impending fight and yet, he still calls Peter a wimp. Peter goes to leave as Magneto uses his powers to slam open a locker door in Peter’s face as everyone laughs at his humiliation. Inside the locker is a Willy bar that has a golden ticket, which falls on Edward. Edward sees and smiles as he joins the other three orphans who are at a warehouse building. The doors open and out comes a Willy Wonka look-alike who is just Willy.
Now if Willy looks familiar, that’s because it is Crispin Glover from Back to the Future, Charlie’s Angels, and the Willard remake. Willy welcomes them to his factory. We then see a brown river which Edward presumes is chocolate, only for Willy to tell him that what he is eating is part of the sewer line. Edward realizes what he is eating crap, but not before he takes a bite out of a turd. Will Wonka also reveals the secret ingredient to his candy is human parts.
Uh Oh
Right…..Susan St. James. Anyway, the orphans try to escape, but Willy closes the door to the exit. Susan wants Willy to let them out and Lucy says the same thing as Susan. Know about this now, because this is going to be a trait for Lucy throughout the film and it gets just about as funny as when a little kid repeated everything you said which is not funny at all. They do the joke again with another phrase just in case it didn’t kick in that this is a trait. Of course, Willy won’t let them leave because as he says, “You’re Mine Now”. The Oompa Loompas come out and grab the four orphans.
Edward is sent to a nut cracker machine where they take a hammer and slam it into Edward’s nuts. Get it? Nut Cracker? Yeah, it’s real bad. We then see two nuts go into the chocolate bars. Yes, folks….when you eat those crunchy nut bars…..try having that image in your mind? They set Lucy on an operating table as they rip her heart out. Willy then throws it into a Valentines Day heart Box. Sorry, but the slasher film My Bloody Valentine already used that. Willy then goes to Peter, who is on a dentist’s chair and pulls out a tooth, which they put into a box of caramel popcorn which has a surprise inside. Susan is the last to get her bad luck as Willy kicks her head off and her head becomes part of a Sour Yellow Head, which is supposed to be a gumball. Of course, don’t worry; the orphans are able to regenerate lost parts so we see they are fine. They are then branded by Willy as the scene ends there. To be truthful, the only thing that is gold about this whole segment is Crispin Glover’s Willy character dancing like he is enjoying this. On second thought, with him getting paid to take body parts and dance, I’m sure Crispin Glover was definitely enjoying this.
We then go to the cell as the children look at their Willy brands that hurt. The orphans then start a fight and as the fight ends, Lucy hits Edward in the head with a lamp because she didn’t realize the fight was over. We get more of the copycat trait of Lucy. We then hear Willy screaming as he is looking for them to chew his gumballs. You know, when you locked them in a room, you should at least know which room. The orphans decide that they need to hide and while most of them just hide in stupid easy to find places. Lucy spins around in circles for no reason and goes into another room where she sees a wardrobe. She opens the wardrobe and a bunch of stuff falls on her. A woman in the full nude comes out of the wardrobe. Of course it is some playmate from Playboy in the nude and I only know this because looked it up on IMDB as I am not a subscriber to the magazine.
Anyway, Lucy enters the wardrobe, nearly suffocates on a hanging plastic sheet because she is an idiot, and is brought to a mystical world. Oh, and of course a few tree branches whack her on the way in. In this mystical world, she sees the ground covered with snow, to which she is amazed by. She then sees a lantern and being the idiot she is, decides to stick her tongue on the hole. To her surprise and no one else’s, her tongue is stuck. While attempting to get it free, she tries to cut it off with a knife. Of course the knife is no good. Look, the only way a knife doesn’t work is it has to be fake. I don’t care how dull the knife is; it would cut off your tongue with enough effort. She then grabs an axe and is about to chop her tongue off, but she is pulled off the pole by someone. She looks back and sees that her tongue is still stuck to the pole. Surprisingly, she can still talk, but of course, it must be that amazing regeneration of lost limbs they have. We find out that the person who freed her is a faun who whenever there is a “ba” sound…goes Baaaaa. The faun sniffs her as she wonders where she is. The faun tells her that she is in the world of Gnarnia. Get it? Gnarnia? Like Gnat or Gnarly? Of course they also call themselves the Non-Sunshine State, which is definitely the diss at Florida. Oh, I’m sure Florida shaking in their boots at your diss.
Anyway, back to the story, the faun introduces himself as Mr. Tumnus and Lucy introduces herself as Lucy. When asking Mr. Tumnus what he is, he says that he is a faun which is half man, half goat. And says that yes, his dad screwed a goat.
When she says that both of her parents are human, he is disgusted. Wow….yes folks….Gnarnia is a bestiality paradise. When he finds out that with both of her parents being human, she is a daughter of Eve, he butts her like a goat and introduces her to his crib. Oh, and we get an entire Cribs rip-off segment, which is completely unnecessary, so I will completely skip it other than mentioning that he isn’t the only one whose dad screwed a goat as we see lots of fauns and a P. Diddy look-alike faun. Also, they are watching the faun version of Scarface. When Lucy tries to leave, Mr. Tumnus doesn’t think she should. She goes to give him a tissue to remember him by, and she blows her nose on it, she still gives it to him. Mr. Tumnus tells her she is in danger and kicks her out of his house, but not before giving her a camera looking device.
To Be Continued
Monster Crap Inductee: Epic Movie
2007 GINO Award Winner
2007
Well, folks……wasn’t 2007 such a disappointing year? We have had a lot of threequels, a lot of remakes, and a lot of bad movies overall. In fact, you can mark this day as a day where I stopped going to the movie theater. I mean, I have only seen two movies in 2007 with Spider-man 3 and The Mist. Oh and let me say that both movies disappointed me. But since the beginning of this year, I have decided to highlight the worst movies involving monsters in 2007. And what would be a greater name for this award than the one monster that reminds us all of what a bad movie is in the GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) Award. However, I had almost decided not to do the award because of technological disadvantages. But earlier this year, I was able to get those computer upgrades and thanks to a certain movie that I will name when it finally gets inducted, I decided to go with said award.
Unfortunately, as I have kind of hinted, the movie I was pulling for did not win the award. That would go to the movie we are inducting now into the bathroom known as Monster Crap. The movie that won, by two votes no less, was Epic Movie. And oh boy, did you people choose a doozy of a film that I have to watch. Now while I would normally laugh at this film, I really can’t because despite its best intentions, I didn’t find one bit of this movie funny. Now for some history.
1996………….I’m sure you all thought I was going to mention Scary Movie, but Scary Movie was actually a parody of a parody of the horror genre. The original parody would be done by one Wes Craven in his movie, Scream. Now while the movie was scary, it made fun of all the past horror movies and made fun of the certain rules that exist in a horror movie. Needless to say…..Scream was a huge hit.
2000…..4 years after Scream, the Wayans Brother decided to go on full on parody with the scary movie genre by doing Scary Movie. How successful was this film? At the time the box office numbers came in, it had become the best selling R-rated movie.
In 2001….two parody movies came out, one done by the Wayans Brothers and done by other people who did the original Scary Movie. The Wayans Brothers did a movie called Scary Movie 2, which they were kind of nudged into doing after the success of the first film. While the film was not a complete failure, it did not do as well as the first film. The Wayans Brothers, after this film, saw the writing on the wall for this parody genre and stopped. I think they kind of realized its failures after the two guys they worked with in the original produced a really horrible film in Not Another Teen Movie. This movie was absolutely dreadful and luckily for me, since there are no monsters in this film. I will never EVER review this film.
In 2003…..while the genre should have been dead and buried at this point, it would come to a surprise that the Scary Movie 3 did very well in the box office. However, if you had seen the film like I did, you would have seen that this was like the Battle of the Bulge for this genre in a last ditch effort to make a good movie. Yes, they were gripping for straws with this film.
But the genre would not end as in 2006, some of the people who did Scary Movie 3, but also did Not Another Teen Movie, decided to continue this genre by doing Date Movie. Despite the star of this film being one very funny & cute Alyson Hannigan and doing well for one week, this movie was in the end a piece of dung.
Also Scary Movie 4 came out, but no one really cares.
Now while this should have stopped the genre dead, it didn’t as the movie we are reviewing, Epic Movie, came out in 2007. This film, as you can tell was, is a parody of all the great epic movies of our time. Now what all parodies are supposed to have (which is humor), this film had none. Now I have had enough with an intro this long and let’s see why this film won the 2007 GINO Award winner. May God Rest Our Souls.
We begin this movie with a narration from Roscoe Lee Browne. Now before I continue, let me say that sadly, this would be Mr. Browne’s last role as he died of cancer a few months later after doing this film. Anyway, the narrator tells us…..why should I mention it when you can read it on the screen?
Then we go to the title screen and after that, we go to the first of the orphans, who was raised by a museum creator. Now looking at this female character, you kind of had the opinion that they meant for Alyson Hannigan to star in this movie as well. Well, let’s just say she had better things to do (like be one of the stars in the comedy sitcom “How I Met Your Mother, which is a good show).
Anyway, the woman playing this redhead is instead Jayma Mays, who besides the really bad first name is a very young actress who hasn’t done much in the film industry. The character’s name is Lucy and she is running around looking at paintings. She finds the person who raised her….murdered. We see a pentagram carved into his skin as well as the word “Thug Life”.
Now if this guy looks familiar, he should because it’s David Carridine, who was Bill in the Kill Bill movies. If you don’t remember that, you can know that he is the guy who pimps up YellowBook.com.
Bow Down To The Sensi Of Schilling
Lucy doesn’t want the curator to die as he tells her that she is standing on his hand. How many times have we seen that joke before? She sees the way the museum curator sets himself up and sees that it is a code. Well, that is unfortunate for her since has never seen the Da Vinci Code film nor read the book on tape.
Of course, she is worried because she sees the albino monk Silas, obviously a black guy powdered in white.
Well…the museum curator, seeing that she can’t figure it out for himself, he starts doing a dance that turns his body into letters as Silas comes walking with different objects instead of the whip like nunchucks. Oh this should be seen to be believed. Anyway, Lucy finally figures out that he is spelling Da Vinci. So she walks off while the museum curator goes back to being dead. She goes up to the Mona Lisa and using a special light, reads “So Lame, the hair of Tom”. Now what do you think that clue is going to lead to?
If you guessed it is a picture of Mr. Tom Hanks from the Da Vinci Code movie, you should consider yourself lucky to be not dumb. She then goes on and says lame is a seven letter word so seven must be the code. No offense, but any genius who can count could tell you that the word “lame” is a four letter word. Not only does this dummy not know literary classics, but she also can’t spell or count. She then goes to candy vending machine and types in seven to grab a Willy chocolate bar. She unwraps it and finds out that there is a golden ticket in the candy bar. So obviously she found the right clue. Okay, it has been less than 4 minutes into this movie and we already found a retarded plot hole.
Lucy then proceeds to accidentally breaks the heel of one of her shoes just when Silas is about to jump on her. She ducks to pick up the shoe heel and he goes right into the candy machine.
We then go to the next orphan, Edward.
Hey….its Kumar from the White Castle film. Boy does he look like he wants to do anything but this movie. Anyway, some monk who is supposed to be a rip-off of Nacho Libre comes to Edward and says he made his dinner especially for him.
The food in question is a cat that was just ran over by a car. He puts the food aside, which pisses the monk off to where he takes off his robe to reveal tights. He then screams “Nachooooooooooo (he does this “o” sound for a while)………..Cheese-flavored Doritos are delicious”. What, did you expect him to say Nacho Libre? No, you silly…..this is supposed to be a parody and where would that fit in?
He then crumbles up the Doritos and sneezes them into Edward’s face. This pisses Edward off, who says he is going to be a Lucha Libre wrestler. This does not make the monk happy so he asks Edward if he thinks that he is better than the other orphans, to which Edward says “Yes”. Furious, the monk calls for one of the kids in a cape to teach Edward a lesson in humility. Edward thinks this is a joke that he is facing a child, but the child proceeds to put on a Lucha Libre mask and kick Edward’s ass. While he is being slid on the table, he steals a golden ticket from another monk before he is thrown out of the window.
We then transition to a plane ride where the third orphan, Susan, about to meet her new adoptive parents, and they hint through a magazine cover that it’s going to be Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Unfortunately, the plane she is on is overrun with snakes. Oh yeah, before we get to what happens next, they must mention that Susan has very hairy legs for one scene. Everyone screams and then cue a Samuel L. Jackson look-alike to say the line from Snakes On A Plane that has been heard all over the place so I’m not going to repeat it.
Enough Is Enough. I've Had It With These Mother F***ing Snakes On This Mother F***ing Plane.
I don't know about you, but when Samuel L. Jackson says it, it sounds a million times better. He keeps saying the line to which Susan gets annoyed of. Susan tells the look-alike of her problems with his repeating of the line and he then throws her out of the plane to her death. But Susan is able to survive by landing on and killing a Paris Hilton look-alike. You know, I don’t know about you, but I think that fall and the way she landed would have killed both her and that look-alike and not just the look-alike. She finds a Willy chocolate bar with a golden ticket in the look-alike’s purse and we proceed to the final orphan.
The final orphan is a mutant named Peter and as you can tell, he was also the guy from Date Movie. Peter it seems has a crush on the mutant Mystique, played by Carmen Electra.
Now look back at the cover and see that the Carmen Electra on the cover is not the same as the movie. Oh yeah, and for those MTV freaks out there, the girl next to her is Lauren Conrad from Laguna Beach. Anyway, Peter imagines Mystique dancing for him when instead she is ignoring him and talking to Lauren. Peter gets the balls to just go up and ask Mystique to the Homecoming Dance. Now there are going to be two problems here. One is she is utterly repulsed by Peter and two is that she already has a boyfriend in Wolverine, who shows up with his clique featuring Cyclops, Storm, and Rouge.
The Clique.....X-Men Style
Wolverine seems to be pissed and shoves Edward into the locker. As they leave, Peter gets pissed and calls Wolverine an asshole behind his back. Unfortunately, the mutants hear him as they turn around and it looks like a fight is about to break out. Wolverine then shows his claws and gives Peter the finger with one of his claws. Now, I don’t know about you, but the real Wolverine did that move a lot better than this poser. Peter proceeds to rip off his shirt and as he turns around, we see his mutant powers. He has chicken wings and he clucks like a chicken. Well, the other mutants laugh at him as Magneto shows up.
He breaks up the impending fight and yet, he still calls Peter a wimp. Peter goes to leave as Magneto uses his powers to slam open a locker door in Peter’s face as everyone laughs at his humiliation. Inside the locker is a Willy bar that has a golden ticket, which falls on Edward. Edward sees and smiles as he joins the other three orphans who are at a warehouse building. The doors open and out comes a Willy Wonka look-alike who is just Willy.
Now if Willy looks familiar, that’s because it is Crispin Glover from Back to the Future, Charlie’s Angels, and the Willard remake. Willy welcomes them to his factory. We then see a brown river which Edward presumes is chocolate, only for Willy to tell him that what he is eating is part of the sewer line. Edward realizes what he is eating crap, but not before he takes a bite out of a turd. Will Wonka also reveals the secret ingredient to his candy is human parts.
Uh Oh
Right…..Susan St. James. Anyway, the orphans try to escape, but Willy closes the door to the exit. Susan wants Willy to let them out and Lucy says the same thing as Susan. Know about this now, because this is going to be a trait for Lucy throughout the film and it gets just about as funny as when a little kid repeated everything you said which is not funny at all. They do the joke again with another phrase just in case it didn’t kick in that this is a trait. Of course, Willy won’t let them leave because as he says, “You’re Mine Now”. The Oompa Loompas come out and grab the four orphans.
Edward is sent to a nut cracker machine where they take a hammer and slam it into Edward’s nuts. Get it? Nut Cracker? Yeah, it’s real bad. We then see two nuts go into the chocolate bars. Yes, folks….when you eat those crunchy nut bars…..try having that image in your mind? They set Lucy on an operating table as they rip her heart out. Willy then throws it into a Valentines Day heart Box. Sorry, but the slasher film My Bloody Valentine already used that. Willy then goes to Peter, who is on a dentist’s chair and pulls out a tooth, which they put into a box of caramel popcorn which has a surprise inside. Susan is the last to get her bad luck as Willy kicks her head off and her head becomes part of a Sour Yellow Head, which is supposed to be a gumball. Of course, don’t worry; the orphans are able to regenerate lost parts so we see they are fine. They are then branded by Willy as the scene ends there. To be truthful, the only thing that is gold about this whole segment is Crispin Glover’s Willy character dancing like he is enjoying this. On second thought, with him getting paid to take body parts and dance, I’m sure Crispin Glover was definitely enjoying this.
We then go to the cell as the children look at their Willy brands that hurt. The orphans then start a fight and as the fight ends, Lucy hits Edward in the head with a lamp because she didn’t realize the fight was over. We get more of the copycat trait of Lucy. We then hear Willy screaming as he is looking for them to chew his gumballs. You know, when you locked them in a room, you should at least know which room. The orphans decide that they need to hide and while most of them just hide in stupid easy to find places. Lucy spins around in circles for no reason and goes into another room where she sees a wardrobe. She opens the wardrobe and a bunch of stuff falls on her. A woman in the full nude comes out of the wardrobe. Of course it is some playmate from Playboy in the nude and I only know this because looked it up on IMDB as I am not a subscriber to the magazine.
Anyway, Lucy enters the wardrobe, nearly suffocates on a hanging plastic sheet because she is an idiot, and is brought to a mystical world. Oh, and of course a few tree branches whack her on the way in. In this mystical world, she sees the ground covered with snow, to which she is amazed by. She then sees a lantern and being the idiot she is, decides to stick her tongue on the hole. To her surprise and no one else’s, her tongue is stuck. While attempting to get it free, she tries to cut it off with a knife. Of course the knife is no good. Look, the only way a knife doesn’t work is it has to be fake. I don’t care how dull the knife is; it would cut off your tongue with enough effort. She then grabs an axe and is about to chop her tongue off, but she is pulled off the pole by someone. She looks back and sees that her tongue is still stuck to the pole. Surprisingly, she can still talk, but of course, it must be that amazing regeneration of lost limbs they have. We find out that the person who freed her is a faun who whenever there is a “ba” sound…goes Baaaaa. The faun sniffs her as she wonders where she is. The faun tells her that she is in the world of Gnarnia. Get it? Gnarnia? Like Gnat or Gnarly? Of course they also call themselves the Non-Sunshine State, which is definitely the diss at Florida. Oh, I’m sure Florida shaking in their boots at your diss.
Anyway, back to the story, the faun introduces himself as Mr. Tumnus and Lucy introduces herself as Lucy. When asking Mr. Tumnus what he is, he says that he is a faun which is half man, half goat. And says that yes, his dad screwed a goat.
When she says that both of her parents are human, he is disgusted. Wow….yes folks….Gnarnia is a bestiality paradise. When he finds out that with both of her parents being human, she is a daughter of Eve, he butts her like a goat and introduces her to his crib. Oh, and we get an entire Cribs rip-off segment, which is completely unnecessary, so I will completely skip it other than mentioning that he isn’t the only one whose dad screwed a goat as we see lots of fauns and a P. Diddy look-alike faun. Also, they are watching the faun version of Scarface. When Lucy tries to leave, Mr. Tumnus doesn’t think she should. She goes to give him a tissue to remember him by, and she blows her nose on it, she still gives it to him. Mr. Tumnus tells her she is in danger and kicks her out of his house, but not before giving her a camera looking device.
To Be Continued
