Post by Tha Kid Joker on Feb 4, 2008 7:42:24 GMT -5
"Me" will be placed in quotation marks for the duration of this announcement. You know what's coming. and I feel sick to my stomach just typing. I'm not sure if I can finish typing this before I leave this morning, but I'm going to do my best to get out as much as I can, while I can.
I recently faked a heart attack. It is, without a doubt, the most sickening thing I have ever done, and one of the most sickening thing I have ever heard of anyone doing. Once it was over, and I realized how many people care about "me" and want nothing but the best for "me", I felt as if I couldn't live with myself. I am not a monster. I have a conscience. I just need to seek help.
I am a pathological liar. My dad was one. Cost him his marriage. My little brother is one--no one trusts him anymore. I just became so good at lying, that lying became acting. Acting became a second life. I am doing nothing more than living one big lie. It started out as just something to get attention. A desperate plea from being so lonely, that just started out with a simple picture. The pictures evolved into events. Things that happen to "me" on a daily basis that do not happen to me. This turned into an entire life. That's what Tha Kid Joker is. My second life.
The problem is, I did not expect to meet people on the internet that would become my best friends. I did not expect to fall in love with someone who I will cry over until the day that I die. Someone who always told me about past boyfriends, who I looked down on for being "terrible" people, and yet, I knew I was the worst of them all. Somebody who cried with "me" and for "me". Who wanted nothing but the best for "me".
I am the same person you all know. I can't steal my wit or my personality from someone else. But all of my lies have overshadowed this. I could never speak to anyone again and have a normal conversation after this. How could I? Who would want me to? I make myself sick to the very bottom of my stomach. To look back and know that people--beautiful, innocent people have cried over "me" and worried about "me"--loved "me", when they didn't need to, because all they know of "me" are lies... I'll never forgive myself for this.
This is one of the most disgusting acts anyone could possibly do. This is beyond Starwolf. This is beyond Cartoon Pirate. This is the actual fabrication of an entire life. This is tricking people. This is lying to people through IM for literally years. Through the phone for months. I'm not pretending to be remorseful. It'll take me a long time to resume normal thought after today.
To get this out of the way--why I did it? Well, I'll start off by saying, in what will probably hurt people the most, that I'm younger than I have led everyone to believe. Growing up on the internet with older friends has matured me into "me." It has taken a kid who's turning 17 later this year, and turned him into a young adult. When I started using the internet at 12, I immediately got a Yahoo, met people, and matured. Developed grammar, a personality, etc. I have a "life." I go and do things with actual friends, but I come home and live a sick lie.
When I joined this forum, I was about 14. As a 14 kid, I was intelligent, but like most 14 year olds, I craved attention. A lot of people tell me it's because I didn't have a dad, but it's besides the point. I needed it in the most pathetic way possible. So, when you're on the internet and you need attention, what do you do? You pretend to be someone else. You get people interested in you in a very shallow way. I did it with a picture.
The problem was, as I continued posting, I met people. TMiz. Boku. LadyDark. Bubbles. Dude. Many people who would go onto become my best friends. People who became emotionally involved with "me" to a point where I couldn't get out of the lie. Looking back, I should have--but at the time it seemed like, "I'm never going to meet them anyway. Telling them will just be bad for everyone."
For a while, it worked. It worked fine. But, I fell for a girl online, who cared so much about "me", and only wanted the best for "me". Half of this was my actual personality. Half was because of the life the I made up as I went along.
I've matured to a point where I didn't need attention, and I gained so much confidence in myself that I didn't need to pretend to be anyone else. But I was so wrapped in this lie, I stalled, and stalled. I kept lying until I could figure out a way to get out of it. How would I? Break up with her? Fake my death? No matter what I did, we'd both end up being hurt. I didn't know what to do. I kept lying.
I'm so disgusting, and a terrible person, and all I want to do now is put this to rest, allow all of the beautiful people that I've met to live their lives without a thought of me in their head. I want this to be behind us all. That's why this will be one of my last, if not my last post on this forum. This thread is my announcement, and official goodbye thread to everyone. No one will believe me, but though one could call me insane, I cared deeply for my friends. That's why I always tried to make them feel better, and tried to make them laugh and brighten their day. I thought that I could do that, and maybe one day get out of the lie clean. It started off as a sick game, and a plea for attention. It turned into a burden. A stressor. A job, almost, to maintain this second life when I really just wanted to be myself.
For all of those who I would consider my best friends, I am sorry. I'll log into AIM occasionally for everyone to get out everything they can regarding this. From then on, I'm going to begin the rest of my life, with the thought that I crushed, and killed the people I care about more than most of my "real life" friends.
And to that girl that I love, all I can do is pray for you. You didn't deserve this at all. To know that I was a factor in you leaving a genuinely sweet, nice guy and being with me, in vain, kills me. Neither one of you deserved that. You say you probably wouldn't have worked anyway, but it still tears me up. You deserve to be loved by someone who can actually love you. I tried to make you feel better about everything everyday, hoping that it wouldn't have to come to this, and I could be gone from your life after leaving a positive impression on you.
Same thing with all of you. I'd like nothing more than to be "TKJ", "Cassidy", "me", to you all, and then be able to actually be me. I know that I've made a lot of people laugh and I made a lot of lives just slightly brighter... but it's all negated by this. There's no way I can live like this anymore. Not just living this lie, but knowing that I lived this lie for so long, and it's going to hurt so many.
I don't deserve to live. Part of me doesn't want to. There are so many loose ends that need to be tied by this. From things as big as me explaining to each and every person why exactly this went on for so long, because I know in my haste to type this that I haven't gotten it all down like I want to--to things as little as storylines in EWT.
I'll make another post later in the day, later in this thread, once I get home. I feel better for getting this off of my chest, but I want to die, because I know I killed the heart of the most beautiful, innocent, undeserving girl in the world. She did nothing to me, and never lied to me, and she doesn't believe it, but this was not just for my good. I kept lying in hopes that I could make her life happier without consequence. Without having to tell her the truth.
I ended up having to. I'll pray for her every night that she can move on, and be able to laugh about how inhuman I am with her husband later on in life. She believes that this'll just pass me by and I'll move on with my life. Problem is, one of the few things I haven't lied about was how madly in love I am with her. So, even if I eventually get over this, it won't be soon. I won't laugh about this next week. Next month. I'm going to live the rest of my life knowing what I did to her, and to everyone.
She said that this should be a crime. It should be. I'm sick, literally, and I'm contemplating seeking help.
Juliana, I'm sorry. Once you get over this, because I believe that you will, look back and know that my insanity just made you stronger. I didn't mean to be the worst thing that's ever happened to you. I didn't want to fake a heart attack, just to set up a medical history in case I wanted to go down the route of "Cassidy" dying. I just wanted to make you happy. Sounds stupid, but it's the truth.
Friends, WrestleCrap Forums, my best friends. All you know of me is a lie. I will spend my final posts giving you closure, before ending this part of my life for good.
I don't know where I go from here, and I'll never been sure if I'll be able to live with myself. So, I'll end every post with "Goodbye", in case I decide myself that after what I did to a girl that I love more than life itself, to people who are some of the greatest people I ever came in contact with, and to anyone who has ever known of me, that I don't deserve to live anymore... I can at least say goodbye.
I love you all.
Goodbye.
I recently faked a heart attack. It is, without a doubt, the most sickening thing I have ever done, and one of the most sickening thing I have ever heard of anyone doing. Once it was over, and I realized how many people care about "me" and want nothing but the best for "me", I felt as if I couldn't live with myself. I am not a monster. I have a conscience. I just need to seek help.
I am a pathological liar. My dad was one. Cost him his marriage. My little brother is one--no one trusts him anymore. I just became so good at lying, that lying became acting. Acting became a second life. I am doing nothing more than living one big lie. It started out as just something to get attention. A desperate plea from being so lonely, that just started out with a simple picture. The pictures evolved into events. Things that happen to "me" on a daily basis that do not happen to me. This turned into an entire life. That's what Tha Kid Joker is. My second life.
The problem is, I did not expect to meet people on the internet that would become my best friends. I did not expect to fall in love with someone who I will cry over until the day that I die. Someone who always told me about past boyfriends, who I looked down on for being "terrible" people, and yet, I knew I was the worst of them all. Somebody who cried with "me" and for "me". Who wanted nothing but the best for "me".
I am the same person you all know. I can't steal my wit or my personality from someone else. But all of my lies have overshadowed this. I could never speak to anyone again and have a normal conversation after this. How could I? Who would want me to? I make myself sick to the very bottom of my stomach. To look back and know that people--beautiful, innocent people have cried over "me" and worried about "me"--loved "me", when they didn't need to, because all they know of "me" are lies... I'll never forgive myself for this.
This is one of the most disgusting acts anyone could possibly do. This is beyond Starwolf. This is beyond Cartoon Pirate. This is the actual fabrication of an entire life. This is tricking people. This is lying to people through IM for literally years. Through the phone for months. I'm not pretending to be remorseful. It'll take me a long time to resume normal thought after today.
To get this out of the way--why I did it? Well, I'll start off by saying, in what will probably hurt people the most, that I'm younger than I have led everyone to believe. Growing up on the internet with older friends has matured me into "me." It has taken a kid who's turning 17 later this year, and turned him into a young adult. When I started using the internet at 12, I immediately got a Yahoo, met people, and matured. Developed grammar, a personality, etc. I have a "life." I go and do things with actual friends, but I come home and live a sick lie.
When I joined this forum, I was about 14. As a 14 kid, I was intelligent, but like most 14 year olds, I craved attention. A lot of people tell me it's because I didn't have a dad, but it's besides the point. I needed it in the most pathetic way possible. So, when you're on the internet and you need attention, what do you do? You pretend to be someone else. You get people interested in you in a very shallow way. I did it with a picture.
The problem was, as I continued posting, I met people. TMiz. Boku. LadyDark. Bubbles. Dude. Many people who would go onto become my best friends. People who became emotionally involved with "me" to a point where I couldn't get out of the lie. Looking back, I should have--but at the time it seemed like, "I'm never going to meet them anyway. Telling them will just be bad for everyone."
For a while, it worked. It worked fine. But, I fell for a girl online, who cared so much about "me", and only wanted the best for "me". Half of this was my actual personality. Half was because of the life the I made up as I went along.
I've matured to a point where I didn't need attention, and I gained so much confidence in myself that I didn't need to pretend to be anyone else. But I was so wrapped in this lie, I stalled, and stalled. I kept lying until I could figure out a way to get out of it. How would I? Break up with her? Fake my death? No matter what I did, we'd both end up being hurt. I didn't know what to do. I kept lying.
I'm so disgusting, and a terrible person, and all I want to do now is put this to rest, allow all of the beautiful people that I've met to live their lives without a thought of me in their head. I want this to be behind us all. That's why this will be one of my last, if not my last post on this forum. This thread is my announcement, and official goodbye thread to everyone. No one will believe me, but though one could call me insane, I cared deeply for my friends. That's why I always tried to make them feel better, and tried to make them laugh and brighten their day. I thought that I could do that, and maybe one day get out of the lie clean. It started off as a sick game, and a plea for attention. It turned into a burden. A stressor. A job, almost, to maintain this second life when I really just wanted to be myself.
For all of those who I would consider my best friends, I am sorry. I'll log into AIM occasionally for everyone to get out everything they can regarding this. From then on, I'm going to begin the rest of my life, with the thought that I crushed, and killed the people I care about more than most of my "real life" friends.
And to that girl that I love, all I can do is pray for you. You didn't deserve this at all. To know that I was a factor in you leaving a genuinely sweet, nice guy and being with me, in vain, kills me. Neither one of you deserved that. You say you probably wouldn't have worked anyway, but it still tears me up. You deserve to be loved by someone who can actually love you. I tried to make you feel better about everything everyday, hoping that it wouldn't have to come to this, and I could be gone from your life after leaving a positive impression on you.
Same thing with all of you. I'd like nothing more than to be "TKJ", "Cassidy", "me", to you all, and then be able to actually be me. I know that I've made a lot of people laugh and I made a lot of lives just slightly brighter... but it's all negated by this. There's no way I can live like this anymore. Not just living this lie, but knowing that I lived this lie for so long, and it's going to hurt so many.
I don't deserve to live. Part of me doesn't want to. There are so many loose ends that need to be tied by this. From things as big as me explaining to each and every person why exactly this went on for so long, because I know in my haste to type this that I haven't gotten it all down like I want to--to things as little as storylines in EWT.
I'll make another post later in the day, later in this thread, once I get home. I feel better for getting this off of my chest, but I want to die, because I know I killed the heart of the most beautiful, innocent, undeserving girl in the world. She did nothing to me, and never lied to me, and she doesn't believe it, but this was not just for my good. I kept lying in hopes that I could make her life happier without consequence. Without having to tell her the truth.
I ended up having to. I'll pray for her every night that she can move on, and be able to laugh about how inhuman I am with her husband later on in life. She believes that this'll just pass me by and I'll move on with my life. Problem is, one of the few things I haven't lied about was how madly in love I am with her. So, even if I eventually get over this, it won't be soon. I won't laugh about this next week. Next month. I'm going to live the rest of my life knowing what I did to her, and to everyone.
She said that this should be a crime. It should be. I'm sick, literally, and I'm contemplating seeking help.
Juliana, I'm sorry. Once you get over this, because I believe that you will, look back and know that my insanity just made you stronger. I didn't mean to be the worst thing that's ever happened to you. I didn't want to fake a heart attack, just to set up a medical history in case I wanted to go down the route of "Cassidy" dying. I just wanted to make you happy. Sounds stupid, but it's the truth.
Friends, WrestleCrap Forums, my best friends. All you know of me is a lie. I will spend my final posts giving you closure, before ending this part of my life for good.
I don't know where I go from here, and I'll never been sure if I'll be able to live with myself. So, I'll end every post with "Goodbye", in case I decide myself that after what I did to a girl that I love more than life itself, to people who are some of the greatest people I ever came in contact with, and to anyone who has ever known of me, that I don't deserve to live anymore... I can at least say goodbye.
I love you all.
Goodbye.