Updated EWT Talk Show Appearances

[Toom E. Guci]

Below is the listing of what talk shows EWT Superstars will appear on to hype EWT's Full House LIVE on Pay Per View this Sunday.

Oprah
Merc

Space Ghost Coast to Coast
Spyke Johanson

The View
Chad Micheals

The Man Show
Paul Podanski

Good Morning America
The Ragnals

Dr. Phil
Handsome Boys Modeling School

Conan O'Brien
The P.T.A.

Jay Leno
HitmanMark

TRL
oceanic

Wake Up, San Fransisco
Limey

The Today Show
Carla O Woe

Nashville Star
Bolt Bacana

Ellen DeGeneres Show
Suicidol Idolz

Wrestlecrap Radio
Koda Kazar

Tony Danza Show
Chance Confidence

Live with Regis & Kelly
dorf

Maury Povich
D'Zee

The Tom Green Show
A-Bomb & Stevie Richards

Best Damn Sports Show, Period
HeartBreak Hitman Brett Micheals

Cold Pizza
Curly & Mr. Big

Surreal Life
Spaz

Jerry Springer
Crauswell

Good Morning Arizona
Tanya Flaire

Howard Stern Show
Chrysta

Talk show appearances will be posted in this thread. have fun with them.

[Oak: Certified Jade Hater]

Quick Nate: I don't know the name of the host of Nashville Star, so I'll call him Jeff.

Jeff: Hello and welcome bak to Nashville Star, where one lucky person will become just that, a star. This is a bit unorthodox, but we have a special guest tonight. From EWT, say hello to the current OX Division Chmpion, (whispers)what kinda name is this? (back to regular voice) Bolt Bacana!

Fat Lip hits as Bolt makes his way out to cheers and some catcalls from a section of girls.

Jeff: (whispers) That's the guy? I know him! (back to regular voice) Glad to see you here Bolt.

Bolt: You too, Jeff.

Jeff: So tell me, how does it feel to be a champion?

Bolt: It feels great. I defeated former champ Spaz for it, and I've been on cloud nine ever since.

Jeff: So I guess you feel like the past winners here huh?

Bolt: You could say that. But, I can go out there and defeat any singers that you have me face.

Jeff: Oho! Feeling cocky a little bit Bolt?

Bolt: Not cocky, just telling the truth. Not a lot of people know it, but I used to sing country music before I saw wrestling. I was actually quite good at that.

Jeff: Wrestling?

Bolt: (thinks to himself) fortheluva, (back to reality) No, at country music.

Jeff: Well this is our final week, so how about you go against Britney over there in a little competiton?

Bolt: Sure, I'm up for anything. Wait, have I seen you before Britney?

Britney: Um......uh...No?

Bolt: Okay.

Jeff: Alright, we have OX Champ Bolt Bacana taking on Britney in a challenge when we come back from commercial.

Commercial for EWT Full House, then one for Tim McGraw.

Jeff: Alright, we're back, as Bolt will go first.

*Bolt starts singing a popular Tim McGraw song as the crowd goes wild.

Jeff: Wow, he really is good!

*Bolt finishes up as the whole crowd cheers.

Jeff: Okay, now here is Britney!

*Britney sings "Oops! I did it Again" as the crowd feels sorry for her and gives her a few cheers.

Bolt: Waitaminute, that's Britney Spears! I'd recognize that annoying voice anywhere!

Britney Spears: HEY!

Bolt: What are you trying to pull Jeff?

Jeff: It's payback for what you did 10 years ago!

Bolt: Ten years ago? I didn't even know you then!

Jeff: Oh, you didn't huh? Well, do you remeber Deerfeild High School huh? The basketball team? How you got me kicked off?!

Bolt: Oh that. Well, you were taking steroids and tryed to throw a game.

Jeff: It was a crappy basketball game! And after I was exposed I was expelled and had to take this crappy job! It's not fair! AAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!

Jeff goes to attack Bolt but gets a punch to the jaw for his trouble. Bolt picks Jeff back up and kicks him in the gut before hitting the V.2 to the delight of the crowd.

Bolt: Sorry about that folks. Well, remember to watch me in action this Sunday on EWT's Full House PPV. Only on PPV!

A group of girls subdue the security guards and hop the barricade. it's immediantly clear that they want Bolt.

Bolt: Uh....hey. I gotta wife. I can't really do this.

The girls hop onto the stage and start walking slowly to Bolt.

Bolt: Oh S***.

Bolt quickly runs of the stage and runs for his life as the girls start to chase Bolt as we fade out.

[Banned Member]

*The Oprah theme plays, and out walks Oprah to a big applause from the crowd.*

O: Hello everyone!!!! How are we all doing today!!!

*The crowd claps louder*

O: Well it's about to get better! Now all of you look under your seats.

*The crowd does, and each person pulls out a book.*

O: It's the latest pick from my book club, and you each get one!!!

F: Hey wheres the car keys!!!!

O: Nope not this time you guys aren't that special. Now I like to bring out my first guest. He will be defending his Tri State Title at the EWT PPV Full House! Please welcome The Mercenary!!!!

*Merc walks out, and gets no response from the people in the crowd. Merc looks confused, and than walks over to Oprah kisses her on the cheek, and sits down.*

O: Hi Merc nice to have you. Now tell me why the name change.

M: Well it's simple really you see Outlaw thats my other gimmack is just not tough enough to tackle the kind of match at the PPV.

O: But that means you aren't either cause your the same guy. Just with a different name.

M: Nah I'm a little bit more insane when I'm Merc. The Outlaw is a rich pompus ass. Kinda like you.

*Oprah looks shooked at last remark.*

O: Now see....

M: Whats with this crowd there as silent as if they were watching a Rob Conway match.

O: Well there not sure what EWT or wrestling is. Matter of fact most of them including myself think it is well fake.

*The fans cheer*

M: Oh really? If you think it is so fake let me put you in a move.

O: Ummm ok what move?

M: Oh lets just try a basic sleeper.

*Merc gets behind Oprah,and in a matter of secs Oprah is out cold on her couch.*

M: There ya see, and come Full House I will beat you down Brett. I will break your bones, and make you bleed, and cause you pain in places you didn't know you had!!!!

*Merc walks off as production people work on waking up Oprah as the show goes to ad break.

[Oceanic]

A commercial for zit cream ends and TRL comes on. Per usual the camera is zooming past the vapid faces of screaming teenagers. The camera scans and stops on the dumbest face of all, that of Carson Daly. He stands there with less charisma than Lashley on a good day while blankly staring into the camera.

Daly: "Hi everyone. Welcome back to TRL, which I am entirely too old to be hosting. We have a special treat for y'all (trying to act hip hop there) today. In the studio we have a superstar from the EWT, that's the Excellent Wrestling Thingy, and she's here to tell us about her big match at the big event this Sunday. Every one give it up for the GND champion, Oceanic!"

The kids scream like a bunch of banshees as the camera zooms around and gets Oceanic walking out from the back in her street clothes and the GND title over her shoulder. Daly tries some complicated handshake but Oceanic isn't having any part of it. A crew member with a paper bag over his head hands Oceanic a microphone.

Daly: "Welcome to TRL. We're glad to have you here. I must say you look really hot."

Oceanic: "Umm....right. Thanks. By the way, EWT stands for Extreme Wrestlecrap Threaderation, not....what you said."

Daly: "Really? Are you sure about that?"

Oceanic: "Yeah. Pretty sure."

Daly: "Oh. Ok."

Daly tries to sneak a peek at Oceanic's breasts but she catches him.

Oceanic: "Whatcha' doin' there, partner?"

Daly: "Nothing! I was just....checking out your shirt. I see you have Joe Cool on there. Snoopy's..........cool."

Oceanic: "That he is. That's why I bought the shirt."

Daly: "Now, I've been a huge EWT fan from way back in the day. You can't find a bigger fan than me. I can remember all the way back in the day when my man The Rock was world champion. That's how far back I go. So is there some pressure in trying to live up as the World Champion in shadow of someone like The Rock?"

Oceanic: (pause) "There was so many things wrong with what you just said I don't even know where to start."

Daly: "Really?"

Oceanic: "First, the EWT is only a couple years old. Second, The Rock was never EWT World champion. Third, I am the GND champion, not World champion. Fourth...."

Daly: "Moving on! So this Sunday you have a title defense against five other women. D'Zee, Chrysta, Rosa, Jackie Geisha, and Tanya Flaire. I've been watching those girls very closely and I have to say.....they're really hot."

Oceanic: (annoyed) "Well, maybe so but that's really not the point. All five of those women are top notch athletes. None of those girls will be taking it easy on me, especially in a TLC match."

Daly: "I'm glad you brought that up. I've been watching wrestling for a long time and I just have to know. What's a TLC match?"

Oceanic: "Well, TLC stands for tables, ladders, and chairs. All three will be around the ring and you can use them as weapons on your opponents. The key thing is the ladder because you'll need that to grab the belt that's hanging above the ring."

Daly: "Wow! That's amazing! So nothing like this has ever happened before, right?"

Oceanic: "No, it has. In fact the Dudleys, Hardys, and Edge & Christian did it a couple times a few years ago. You should watch those. They were really good."

Daly: "Ok, I'll do that. You know, one of my favorite women wrestlers was Chyna. She was bad ass. As a woman you must be a really big fan of hers."

Oceanic: (visibly agitated) "Not really. Chyna was garbage in the ring and worse backstage. If anything she's a black eye to women's wrestling, or wrestling in general for that matter."

Daly: "Well, she was really hot."

Oceanic: "You and Waltman. That's it."

Daly: "So I was watching one of your matches a few days ago and you did this move that really impressed me. You jumped up in the air and dropped your leg across your opponent's chest. What do you call that move?"

Oceanic: (rolls her eyes) "A leg drop. Do you know anything about wrestling or are you just making this up as you go?"

Daly: "I'm not making this up! I'm reading it off the prompter. I'd be lost without it."

Oceanic: "Of course."

Daly: "So let's see what you can do. Everybody, we're going to show you a clip of Oceanic in action earlier this year against another participant in the TLC match and hottie Tanya Flaire. Check it out!"

The clip begins halfway through the match but it only takes up the upper right hand corner of the screen and you can barely see what's going on. Taking up a bigger chunk of the screen is a pre recorded clip of some teenage girl with her face two inches away from the camera and screaming at the top of her lungs.

Teenage Girl: "Ohmahgawd! Oceanic! You are SO kewl! I'm going to be just like you! You rawk so hard! I'm going to be an astronaut! I like mustard!

(The girl puffs her cheeks out, crosses her eyes, and pulls her ears so they stick out and gives the camera a razzberry. The next shot is some perma frosted preppie boy.)

Teenage Boy: "Yo! 'Sup! This is Travis, but my dawg's at Whitmore Junior High School call me Pimp Daddy Ass Master! Oceanic, you are one fine honey! Why don't you come on down to my parent's basement and I'll show you my Kid Rock sculptures I made out of Legos! Peace out!"

The clips end and all the kids in the studio go bananas again. Oceanic is beyond horrified at the crap that's been going on at the taping of the train wreck that's supposed to pass as a TV show. Carson just stares dead ahead like a deer in the head lights.

Daly: "That was dope! You're going to kick some ass this Sunday!"

Oceanic: (pissed beyond belief) "How do you sleep at night?"

Daly: "In a bed with my kitty."

Oceanic turns to the kids in the studio and goes into diatribe mode.

Oceanic: "Do any of you have a clue at what's going on here? The only reason this show is on the air is to keep you stupid! They tell you what to think, what to wear, what to buy, what to be, and they're making money off of you! You should really be ashamed of yourselves! Why don't you stop watching this horrible show? Why don't you go outside? Read a book? Or better yet, decide for yourself who and what you want to be? You don't have to listen to this clown (points at Carson) to tell you what to do! Look at him! He's a thirty year old man who gets his own opinion off of a teleprompter!"

Daly: "Is she talking about me?"

Oceanic: "You kids are missing out on so much right now! There's no better time to be young and you shouldn't be wasting it watching bad music videos and buying over priced junk you don't need! Turn off the tv and just be you!"

The studio is dead silent except for the popping synapses in a hundred young brains. Finally, one Abercrombie drenched teen jumps up from the bleachers.

A&F Kid: "She's given us free will! I'm freaking out! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!"

He runs around in a circle and jumps through the window and to the New York street.

Oceanic: "F*** this! I plugged the damn PPV! I'm out of here!"

Oceanic flings the mic over her shoulder and beats feet. Carson Daly stands there like a totem pole for about 20 seconds until.

Daly: "Hey! That's all the time we have on TRL! We'll see you again tomorrow! Word to your mutha!"

Cut to a rerun of Jackass or some crap.

[HMARK Center]

<Jay Leno is seen fidgeting excitedly behind his desk as Kevin Eubanks and the band play the Tonight Show back in>

Jay: Hey Kev, think it's about time I step into the ring again?

Kevin Eubanks: Hehehehe! You're a funny guy Jay, you're a funny guy, hehehe!

Jay: That's why I pay ya. My first guest tonight is one of the most recognizable faces and names of the Extreme Wrestlecrap Threaderation, and a former multi-time World Champion, ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for "The Fallen Dragon", HitmanMark!

<The crowd cheers as HMark, decked out in a black dress shirt and slacks, makes his way out, waving, before shaking hands with Jay and taking a seat, immediately reaching over to take a slug of water>

Jay: Hey, great to have you on the show, HMark.

HMark: Good to be here, Dave.

Jay: Jay.

HMark: Huh?

Jay: Leno.

HMark: <looks around> ...This isn't the Ed Sullivan Theater? I thought I was supposed to be in New York...and why's Paul Schaffer black?

<Kevin Eubanks laughs and plays a guitar riff for no apparent reason>

HMark: You sure you're not Conan or something?

Jay: <sighs> Ok. Road Wild '98, with DDP versus Hollywood Hogan and Eric Bischoff.

HMark: <jaw drops> OH MY GOD! And you're band guy...he hit the Diamond Cutter! OH MAN!

Leno: Guess you have that tape?

HMark: How could I not?! Trainwrecks like that don't come along every pay per view.

Leno: Uh...thanks? Anyway, anyway, let's go over why you're here tonight.

HMark: Well, a couple things. First off, this coming Easter, you'll be able to catch the EWT on post per view, live from AT&T Park in San Fransisco, not too far a drag down the road from here <cheers from audience>. Gotta get that one out of the way, right? <laughs>

Leno: And what are you gonna be doing there? Wait, aren't you undefeated since you came back a little while ago?

HMark: Heh, nah nah; I've lost a couple times. But what I haven't done is been pinned, or tapped out. So I've got that coming with me going into Full House.

Leno: And who's gonna try to put a stop to that?

HMark: Well, if you've been keeping an eye on the EWT for awhile now, you'd know that I've had a thorn in my side known as Trik Turner. Now, let me make something perfectly clear: this kid is good. He's got talent, he's got the moves, and he's got a killer instinct. But he's got a crap attitude, man. I built a reputation by doing what's right for this business, and by helping everyone I could along the way to get better every time I worked with them...but Trik wants to spit on my legacy. He calls me a fake, and he thinks he can expose me by "beating me at my own game".

Leno: And what's that?

HMark: The match I made famous: The 60 Minute Iron Man Submission Match. <crowd oohs> Most submissions in an hour wins.

Leno: But you haven't submitted since you came back, right?

HMark: Yep. And I'm not about to start, I guaran-damn-tee it. If things go right, this is my last match with Trik; this is for all the marbles, no belts, no money, just to finally prove which one of us can truly be the better man.
It's too bad, though; I'm not THAT much older than this kid, but he's still a baby in the business, you know? I feel like I could do so much to help him along...but if he doesn't want that, that's his choice, and he'll reap the consequences.

Leno: Lemme ask about that, how long have you been doing this wrestling thing?

HMark: Ah, well, ah...ok, look, I've admitted this before, but not on national TV. I've been doing this for over a decade now...but I started wrestling before I was, well, kinda legally allowed to.

Leno: How to do mean?

HMark: When I was a sophomore in high school, I knew a guy who made some nice fake IDs...so I got into a school at 15, went pro by 16. Got my first paycheck that year: $7.50 and a coupon for a Cheesy Gordita Crunch with purchase of a Queasadilla from Taco Bell. Pretty good, considering what most guys make their first times out. But you can do the math for my age, I guess...<goes to take sip of water from mug>...though I won't tell you if you're right. <sips>

Leno: Paid in tacos? That's every high schooler's dream! But I wanna ask you about another thing. See, not everyone might know this, but you took time off from the EWT awhile back, but for a couple reasons. What were they?

HMark: Well, first of all, I needed to get back on the international and indy scenes again. I really felt like I needed to reinvigorate my game, try to better myself; I was terrified of getting stagnant, you know? So I worked hard, trained, faced some of the absolute best talent in the world, and got to travel around the globe for the first time since I was starting out making a name for myself.

Leno: But I understand that there's something else...

HMark: <laughing> Oh yeah. The movie.

Leno: Yes, tell us about that.

HMark: Ok, long time EWT fans know that I'm a Jersey guy, through and through. Thanks to that, I've kinda made buddies with my fellow Jersey-ite, Kevin Smith. <cheers from audience> Kevin called me while I was in the indies, found out I wasn't under EWT contract, and decided he had a part for me in Mallrats II: LaFour's Revenge. I get to play an annoyed shopper who lives the dream and gets to put Jason Lee through a table. <crowd laughs> I'm KIDDING, Jason! Love ya, bro! Nah, seriously, it was great, though, getting to work with people I admire and respect, and getting to basically play myself as a teen, a Jersey-ite Mallrat. Good times, great memories <gives Colt Cabana grin>

Leno: Gotta ask, clip?

HMark: Clip, indeed.

<screen comes up, opens up with Brodie, back in the mall after leaving the Tonight Show and opening up his own comic shop, stopping in a movie store and looking at new titles, HMark standing next to him, decked out as a Mallrat. HMark picks up a DVD, and Brodie shoots him a look>

Brodie: Hulk? You're going to buy the DVD of the Hulk movie?

HMark: Um, yeah?

Brodie: No, hang on...the Hulk movie, but with NO Bill Bixby, NO Lou Ferrigno, but PLENTY of Eric Bana?

HMark: Yeah man, why the @#$% not?

Brodie: Because it sucked major gamma-green ass, that's why!

HMark: Dude, back off, please, let me get my movie.

Brodie: No! I will not stand idly by while some schmuck in a wool member cap gives Stan Lee OR Ang Lee the wrong idea that there might be a demand for a SEQUAL to this pile of festering horse droppings.

HMark: I told you, back the @#$% off!

Brodie: Gimme that DVD.

HMark: @#$% off!

<a scuffle ensues; eventually, both man crash over a stand of anime figurines, before HMark stands up, takes off his hoodie to reveal a toned upper body, and proceeds to give Brodie an Exploder Suplex through a table with movie figure displays>

HMark: <getting up, dusting himself off, putting shirt back on, walks over to the DVD stand, picks one up> Huh, Sin City. Man, screw Hulk, I'm ALL about Jessica Alba.

<Brodie moans, defeated>

<We come back from the clip, with the audience cheering>

Jay: Is that all you do?

HMark: Heh, nah, I'm in a couple other scenes, but nothing major. My film debut, though!

Jay: Well congratulations! Glad to hear it. Well, our time's up, but give us a plug one more time.

HMark: Alright, <points to camera> catch EWT Full House, Live, this Sunday, only on post per view, or live from AT&T park from San Fran. Catch me put an end to Trik Turner's self-destruc-

Voice from crowd: HEY! YOU OLD BASTARD!

HMark: <looking up> Oh no. Not now.

Voice: Why do these people have to wait? Let them get a glimpse now! Show them what you can do! Or are you THAT big a fake?

HMark: Trik, I don't know how you got in here, but you sit the hell down and be a freaking professional; I'm doing this for the EWT, punk. You want me, come get me after the show outside, don't ruin this for the company.

Trik: Heh, you know what? Nah.

<Trik rushes the stage, tackling HMark, sending both men over the Tonight Show guest chairs, into the backdrop behind. Security rushes in to break them up, but they can't. In the insanity, they eventually break off from each other>

Trik: Go ahead! Show me what you're gonna do to me! How you gonna beat me?

HMark: Try me, punk!

<HMark wildly grasps around, and ends up putting Jay in a Crossface Chickenwing, while Trik, just as unaware of who he's grabbing, finds himself slapping a Dragon Clutch sleeper on Kevin Eubanks as the screen immediately jumps to an Indian head and "Please Stand By" notice>

[paulpodanski]

Random Juggy: Ladies and Gentlemen... Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel!!!

The crowd goes wild as Adam and Jimmy walk out, The two guys wave back at the crowd.

Adam: Hello everyone and welcome to the show.

Jimmy: Yeah, tonight, we've got a huge special guest... one you guys in the crowd are gonna love.

Adam: But not in that way of course... huh? HUH?

The crowd is silent. Jimmy looks over.

Jimmy: * Whispering * Goddamn I hate you...

Adam So, yeah anyway, please welcome this week's special guest host... the EWT Toolshed Champion... Paul Podanski!!!

The Man Show Theme starts playing as Paul walks out... getting a nice pop from the crowd. Some of the wrestling fans in the crowd starts chanting " Podanski!!! Podanski!!! " Paul walks over, shakes Jimmy's hand, then kicks Adam in the junk. Carolla acks and drops to the ground, holding his stuff as the crowd pops again.

Paul: That's for cheating on the Man Show Salute!!! Faking drinking beer... you stupid son of a bit...

Jimmy: Wow, someone finally noticed that.

Adam: My CROTCH!!!

Jimmy: .... Kick him again

Paul smirks and kicks Adam one more time, the crowd going nuts as he rolls off to the side.

Jimmy: So welcome to the show Paul.

Paul: Great to be here Kimmel.

Jimmy: Well then, first off... tell me, why are you here anyway?

Paul: Well, I'm here to promote our next Pay Per View for the EWT.It's called Full House.

Adam: You mean like that Sitcom?

Jimmy: Nobody said you could talk!!!

Jimmy kicks Adam in the crotch again.

Adam: ARGH!!!

Adam rolls off to the side. Paul laughs.

Paul: Heh... that's wasn't half bad. You ever considered a career in wrestling?

Jimmy: Oh yeah... I did once. Was for some segment we did on the show.

Paul: Eh, I don't watch the show that often... too busy kicking people's asses, keeping myself in shape, and getting drunk.

Adam: What kinda shape? FAT?!

Paul and Jimmy BOTH kick Carolla in the crotch this time.

Jimmy: So then, tell us, what kind of match will you be involved in?

Paul: Well, right now, I'm the current Toolshed Champion... NO SEXUAL JOKES CAROLLA!!! Anyway... I'm the Toolshed Champion right now, which is basically like a hardcore wrestling champion. No rules... anything goes style matches all the time. And I gotta tell you, it's pretty damn awesome.

Jimmy: That doesn't really sound much like wrestling if you ask me. Sounds more like a fight.

Paul chuckles a bit and nods.

Paul: Yep... that's exactly right. Every match I'm in turns into a fight. If you want... I could show you some clips from some of my favorite matches.

Jimmy: So, who wants to see that?!

The crowd cheers massively.

Jimmy: Alright... play the clips

The screen cuts to a montage, to the awkward theme of Kung Fu Fighting. It shows Paul beating up various EWT Jobbers and Superstars, including. Dr. Insaneo, Koda Kazar, Outlaw, All Three Persona's of Mick Foley, Principal Pain, and Ultimo Chocula. Then the tables turn, showing Paul taking some sick SICK bumps, including the suplex onto the barrier, the Squid Face into thumbtacks by Ultimo, the Double Moonsault off the ladder by him as well, Pain smashing a spanking paddle into the back of his head, the Paraslice Paulerbomb at Magic; The Gathering, the Twist O Lime from Limey at Screaming Sausage Fest, and his beating by Heidendorf when he was Paul Poo. The clips get better as it shows Paul now Paulerbombing pretty much everyone he's ever faced... Diamond Studd, Tim " The Toolman " Terror into the nails, Paraslice into the nails as well, Principal Pain after he slams into the turnbuckle, and ending with many more Paulerbombs to various EWT Jobbers.

As we return from the montage, the crowd is cheering.

Jimmy: ... Wow. Did you really SLAM somebody into a pile of nails?!

Paul: Yep... twice. Don't worry, they didn't die or anything... of course they got tetnis shots before hand... that's what they call those right?

Adam: Oh yeah... I think so.

Paul: Thanks...

Paul kicks him again anyway.

Jimmy: Well, we gotta go to commercial. When we come back... well you'll be surprised. Stay tuned.. or don't.

Adam * Sits up * You'll watch anyway

Cut to commercial

Random Voice: Coming soon from EWT, the greatest idea we've had yet.

Shows kids running into a room.

Voice: EWT PLUSHIES!!!

Kid: WOW!!! EWT Plushies!!!

Other Kid: * monotone * I can't believe they have plushies.

Voice: That's right kids. Straight from the EWT, EWT Plushies. Each one totally unique... and loads better than that WWE Wrestle Buddy Bear crap!

Kid: I got Ultimo Chocula * Shows A poorly made plush bat dressed up like Ultimo with a smiley face down on in what looks to be sharpie *

Other Kid: I got Chrysta * Holds up another poorly made Seal dressed like Chrysta would... this time with a frowny face drawn on *

Voice: And that's not all! There's also Limey * Shows a LIME dressed up as Limey with a smiley face * Outlaw * Shows a horse dressed like Outlaw with frowny face * Chance Confidence * Shows a PEACOCK dressed like Chance with a smug face drawn on * and even Toomi Bischoff!!! * Shows a doll that looks strangely like a cross between God and satan... with a smiley face drawn on * Get your EWT Plushies today!!!

We come back to the Man Show. Paul is still standing by... as now it's time for... The Wheel of Destiny!!! Adam is finally back up, looking very sore and in pain.

Adam : Welcome... ow... back... ow... to...

Jimmy: ... the show! And guess what time it is guys. We've got a special edition of the Wheel of Destiny!

The crowd cheers

Jimmy: First off... let's start with some random audience member. * He looks down at a card in his hand * OK, how about the guy in the front row!

Some fat loser stands up as he heads down to the wheel, as the crowd cheers.

Jimmy: So, what's your name?

Adam: Yeah... fatty!

The fatty kicks Adam in the groin again.

Adam: CRIPES!!! * he falls down again

Guy: My name is Hank Luvbubs!

Jimmy: Well Hank... let's take a look at the things that may happen to you.

The screen cuts to a curtain, which gets pushed aside, showing a huge group of Juggys, labeled Juggy Dogpile.

Jimmy: If you get this, all these lovely girls will pile atop of you.

The crowd cheers

The screen cuts to the second curtain, it gets pulled away. It shows a life size arcade version of Custers Revenge. Free Arcade Game

Jimmy: If you get this, you win this home version of that game Custer's Revenge. The only one in existence. I don't even know why they made one, but eh...

The screen cuts to the third choice. It shows a briefcase full of money. Free Money!

Jimmy: If you get this, you win 100 bucks! Not too shabby eh?

Screen cuts to choice number four. It shows a midget covered in wrapping paper jumping up and down. It's labeled Midget!

Jimmy: If you get this... you win your very own midget!!!

Hank: Alright... I can't wait to spin!

Jimmy: But let's not forget... you could also get a really bad choice.

The crowd goes ooh... as the screen cuts to another group... of presumably gay men. Fruit Pile

Jimmy: If you get this... all these men get to pile atop of you though.

The screen cuts to option number six. It shows a kiddy pool... full of syrup. labeled Sticky Situation

Jimmy: If you get that, you'll be given a bath... in maple syrup.

Adam: Now that's what I call a sticky situation!!!

The audience groans as Jimmy kicks Carolla in the crotch again.

Jimmy: THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED STICKY SITUATION YOU DUMBASS!!!

Adam groans as the screen cuts the the seventh option. It's show Paul looking really mean, labeled Wrestling Match with Paul

Jimmy: If you get this, you get to take a serious beating from our guest today.

The crowd oohs as the screen shows the eighth and final option. A trio of old ladies labeled Granny Cheek Pinch of DOOM!!!

Jimmy: And if you get this, all these senile old people get to pinch your face... alot.

Adam: So choose wisely and

Both together: SPIN THE WHEEL OF DESTINY!!!

Hank walks up and gives it a really strong spin... watching it go round and round... looking like it's gonna land on Juggy Dogpile... instead landing on Fruit Pile. Hank groans.

Hank: Awww... fertheloveof!!!

He immediately gets crushed atop a pile of men.

Jimmy: Ooooooh... that's gotta hurt. Okay who's next... how about the guy in the middle row with the straw hat... come on down!!!

The straw hat guy runs down the aisle and gets a few cheers.

Jimmy: And what's your name?

Straw Hat Dude: Joe Gollygoe

Jimmy: Well Joe... it's time for you to

Adam and Jimmy: SPIN THE WHEEL OF DESTINY!!!

Joe runs up and gives the wheel a quick spin, then watches as it lands on Midget!!!

Jimmy: Congratulations Joe... you just won your own... MIDGET!!!

Joe runs up and picks up the wrapped up man, then notices he's not moving. He looks kinda confused.

Joe: Ummm... it's not moving.

Jimmy: Adam... you DID punch some air holes in right?

Adam: Air holes? I was too busy being in pain. Whoops!

Jimmy: Whoops this!!!

Kimmel kicks Adam repeatedly in the crotch once again dropping him to the floor again. Joe just quickly exits with his apparently dead-midget.

Jimmy: Okay next up... the guy jumping up and down in the crowd!

Some guy who looks like he's been hopped up on some kinda drugs runs down quickly, jumping up and down like a loon.

Jimmy: What's your name?

Nutjob: DERICK!!!

Jimmy: Derick...

Nutjob: JUST DERICK!!!

Jimmy: Well... Just Derick,,, SPIN THE WHEEL OF DESTINY!!!

Derick quickly spins the wheel... weakly. It lands on... Wrestling Match with Paul The crowd cheers as Derrick looks confused.

Jimmy: Oh... tough luck Derrick.

Paul runs over, grabs Derrick and gives him a nasty backbreaker... dropping him to the ground, then dragging him over to the arcade game of Custer's Revenge, climbing atop and leaping with an Appaulachian mountain Splash, as some Juggy referee counts an easy 1...2...3. The crowd goes nuts as Derrick groans in pain... midgets dressed like EMTs walking up with a stretcher and carrying him off.

Jimmy: Ooh... um... we'll be right back!

Paul walks over to the pile of juggys and dives inside of it... right before we fade to commercial.

Random Voice: Coming soon from EWT... the OTHER Greatest Idea we've ever had... EWT DRINKS!!!

Shows some poser teenagers.

Lame Teen: Awesome... EWT Drinks!!!

Other Lame Teen: Totally killer dude!

The two teens takes a can of soda and chugs it down.

Lame Teen: I got Koda Kazar Kranberry!!!

Other Lame Teen: I got Oceanic Pineapple!!!

Random Voice: There's also... Spaz Root Beer!!! Ragnal Fruit Punch!!! Billy Ubermark Cream Soda!!! And last, but not least...Jester C Jackal Juice!!!

Lame Teen: EWT Drinks are totally radical dude!!!

Random Voice: BUY ONE TODAY!!!

Cut back to the Man Show... which shows Paul once again, now sitting in a chair with Jimmy and Adam, who's crotch is bleeding now.

Jimmy: Welcome back once again folks. We're back with Paul again.

Paul waves to the crowd.

Jimmy: So Paul, tell us about the rest of the Matches.

Paul: Heh, sure.

Paul thinks a bit

Paul: First off, we have Twizted versus American Saint versus Koda Kazar versus
Chad Micheals versus Jason Maverick

Jimmy: Wow... those are some weird names.

Paul: Yeah, it's a Steel Cage Ladder Match... so things should be pretty interesting I guess.

Jimmy: Got any picks on who you think will win?

Paul: Eh... Koda Kazar I guess? He's got some potential... but yeah, then again... all those guys do. Hopefully they will be able to use it.

Adam: Use the bothroom... right? RIGHT?

Jimmy: Kick him again...

Paul sighs, stands up and kicks Adam so hard, he falls over in his chair. The crowd cheers again.

Paul: As for other matches... there's Oceanic versus Rosa versus Tanya Flaire versus D-Zee
versus Chrysta versus “Miss" Jackie Geisha. If there's any match that could be a show stealer, it'll be that one. But then again... all GND matches are pretty damn good.

Jimmy: Heh... I bet that's not the only thing that'll be good about it.

Paul and Jimmy laugh lightly

Adam: He means there'll be boobies.

Jimmy: Thank you Adam... that was the joke.

Paul: But seriously, I may not be that great at wrestling myself, but I still appreciate great wrestling when I see it.

Jimmy: Heh... fair enough.

Paul: There's also Cletus Quinn versus Deron Miller. Should be an interesting match.

Jimmy: Never heard of either those guys.

Paul: Trust me... they are pretty damn good. Could be a possible show stealer in my opinion. But then again, alot of these matches have that potential.

Jimmy: Well, I can understand that. Yeah, I'm not so great at telling good wrestling from bad... but eh... I'll probably order it.

Paul: Sure. Everyone of you oughta do it.

The crowd cheers again.

Paul: Yeah, seems like alot of Man Show fans seem to be wrestling fans too. I Would've never guessed that.

Jimmy: True... not something you'd expect. What other matches are there gonna be on the card anyway?

Paul: Well, there's also HitmanMark versus Trik Turner, which is gonna definitely be a technical masterpiece, Holly Vaughn versus Carla O Woe which should be a nice fun match,
Crauswell versus Chance Confidence Versus Dr. Insane-O versus dorf versus Gasoline versusA-Bomb versus Stevie Richards versus... your's truly.

Jimmy: Heh, anything else?

Paul: Loads of stuff. There's The Ragnals versus Handsome Boys Modeling School
versus Curly Long & Mr. Big versus the Nyrds, Mercenary versus HeartBreak Hitman Brett Micheals, Bolt Bacana versus Deamon Cohln, and the main event... Limey versus Spaz versus Spyke Johanson
versus Eddie Omega versus Principal Pain versus Virus. And I guarantee each one of these matches is gonna be solid IF not better than that So yeah... if you don't order this... you're either a moron like Carolla there...

Adam: HEY!!!

Paul: ... or you're just not a true wrestling fan.

Jimmy: Heh, well said. Let's play a game, I'll name all of your opponents, you tell me what you think of them.

Paul: Alright... go for it.

Jimmy: Crauswell

Paul: Crauswell... oh yeah, the furry. All I can say about him is he's brutal in the ring. He's gonna be one of the toughest, if not the MOST, difficult people to keep down.

Jimmy: A-Bomb

Paul: A-Bomb if a former EWT Champion... I can't hate on him for that. But recently, he's been acting like a real dick... so it's gonna be a pleasure to beat his ass at Full House.

Jimmy: Stevie Richards

Paul: Heh... he's definitely under-rated, but yeah.. he's basically a WWE Jobber. I have no idea if he and A-Bomb got back together or not, but who cares. Full house he and A-Bomb are going down.

Jimmy: Dorf

Paul: I think recently, Dorf has had a few screws loose. But again, another EWT Heavyweight Champion. It'll be a pleasure to step into the ring with him... and beat his ass.

Jimmy: Chance Confidence

Paul: He's probably the most agile person in that match... and he's a former Tri-State Champion. Other than that... he's an arrogant prick. I should be able to beat him too.

Jimmy: Dr. Insaneo

Paul: Hmmmm... well, he's definitely improved over the past fews weeks. But yeah, I seriously doubt he'll be much of a threat... though he does know how to be hardcore. I saw his match with Spyke... so yeah... should be fun.

Jimmy: Ok... last, but not least, Gas...

Adam: As in... PASS GAS!!!

Jimmy: No...

A pair of juggies walk over and both KICK Adam in the crotch again.

Jimmy: As I was saying, GASOLINE.

Paul: Gas... I gotta admit, he's a stand up guy. He's probably the only one in this match who I can respect as a person. Former EWT Tag Champion. So yeah, it'll be a pleasure to step into the ring with him. I just hope he doesn't think I'll take it easy on him... and he doesn't take ti easy on me!

The crowd cheers again.

Jimmy: Well then, remember everyone... that's EWT Full House. This Sunday. Be sure to order it. Now, we'll be right back.

Cut to commercial again

Random Voice: Coming soon from EWT... our even better then great idea... EWT ADULT DIAPERS!!!

Old Man: Huh?

Old Woman: What?

Random Voice: That's right... EWT Adult Diapers. These diapers are the best diapers you'll ever have.

Old Man: I can't hear you sonny?

Old Woman: Would you like some cookies?

Old Man: I think I'm having a stroke...

Random Voice: There's also... Diapers with pictures of Spyke Johanson!!! Bolt Bacana!!! Jackie Geisha!!! and Sum Guy!!! So buy your EWT Adult Diapers today!!!

Old Man: Yep... I'm havin a stroke * falls over *

Old Woman: I like peaches.

Cut back from commercial as Paul, Jimmy, and an unconscious Adam are all sitting in their chairs still.

Jimmy: Well folks, we're all out of time. But before we go... Paul, wanna join us in the Man Show salute?

Paul: Heh... I never say no to free alcohol.

A Juggy hands him a mug.

Jimmy: Alright...

Everyone: ZIGGY ZOGGY ZIGGY ZOGGY... HOY HOY HOY!!! ZIGGY ZOGGY ZIGGY ZOGGY... HOY HOY HOY!!!

Everyone drinks from there glasses, except Adam who's pretty much lifeless.

Jimmy: And now... Girls on Trampolines!!!

Cuts to the credits.

[The Bad Man]

and now back to Dana

DANA: thanks Kit, now I have a special guest from the world of EWT wrestling .. a Mr. Curly Lo ... hang on your not Curly Long?

D'ZEE: Damm straight woman ... I was told to be here today, which means that Curly and his monstosity must have gone to where ever I was supposed to go .. but thats the way things were dealt so deal with it!

DANA: .. Err .. Okay ... well bare with us Ms. D'Zee as we try and reorganise things ... now whilst we get our interview information correct, let me tell you about what could be the PPV of the year! ... Full House is coming to a network channel near you and could really show the world some top class action ...

Full House Sunday, April 16th, 2006 AT&T Park Home of the San Francisco Giants San Francisco, CA -- Main Event Outdoor Elimination Chamber Match EWT Heavyweight Championship Guest Ring Announcer Danny Tanner Limey versus Spaz versus Spyke Johanson versus Eddie Omega versus Principal Pain versus Virus -- Ox Division Championship Bolt Bacana versus Deamon Cohln -- Tri-State Championship Hardcore Street Fight Falls Count Anywhere One Night Only Mercenary versus HeartBreak Hitman Brett Micheals -- EWT Tag Team Championship Fatal Fourway The Ragnals versus Handsome Boys Modeling School versus Curly Long & Mr. Big versus the Nyrds -- EWT Toolshed Championship 30-Minute Invitational Falls Count Anywhere Winner is the last Man With the Belt Paul Podanski versus Crauswell versus Chance Confidence versus Dr. Insane-O versus dorf versus Gasoline versus A-Bomb versus Stevie Richards -- Elevator to Hell Match Holly Vaughn versus Carla O Woe -- Iron Man Submission Match One-Hour Time Limit Most Submissions Win HitmanMark versus Trik Turner -- Loser Leaves EWT Match Cletus Quinn versus Deron Miller -- EWT Girl Next-Door Championship TLC Match Oceanic versus Rosa versus Tanya Flaire versus D-Zee versus Chrysta versus “Miss" Jackie Geisha -- #1 Contender’s Match for the Ox Division Championship Steel Cage Ladder Match Twizted versus American Saint versus Koda Kazar versus Chad Micheals versus Jason Maverick

DANA: Are Now yes here we go thanks Woody ... ok D'Zee it says here you don't like anybody but will be taking the title at Full House ... is that correct?

D'ZEE: Yes, good thats this over with then!!

D'Zee punches Dana in the mouth and leaves

(cut to ESPN2 COLD PIZZA technical difficulties logo)

[Poker Joker]

NOTE: For the full effect of this interview, all of Dr. Phil's lines should be read in a voice that is a cross between Peyton Manning and Mr. Snuffalupagus.



(The scene opens up on the "Dr. Phil Show." The program is just returning from a commercial break. The audience is applauding wildly, and Dr. Phil is seated in his chair with a smug look on his ridiculous, bald face. He looks into the camera and begins to address his crowd.)

*PHIL*: Well, thanks to my help, Carrie and Bob will hopefully be able to save their marrage and find a new love for one another that they otherwise would have missed. I think we can all learn some lessons from what just happened out here, can't we?

(The audience applauds, and Dr. Phil eats it up for a couple seconds.)

*PHIL*: Now, its time for something special. As we all know, its easy to suffer from difficulties in our personal lives that bring us down. But what happens when those problems from our personal lives start to affect us in our professional lives. Today, we're going to speak with a couple of professional athletes who, unbeknownst to themselves, are suffering from personal problems that are starting to affect their professional lives. Ladies and gentlemen, let me please introduce to you, E.W.T. wrestlers Billy "The Virgin" Ubermark and Ultimo Chocula. Or, as they are otherwise known, the Handsome Boys Modeling School, and their manager Miss Moniqua.

(The crowd gives a polite applause as Billy and Chocula make their way from the back. The come onto the set and wave at the audience. Accompanying the boys is Moniqua, who is carrying her little dog Fru-Fru in her arms. The three take a seat on a couch across from Dr. Phil, who quickly begins the segment.)

*PHIL*: Welcome! Welcome, everyone!

(Moniqua extends her hand out for Dr. Phil to shake. Dr. Phil takes her hand like a gentleman.)

*MONIQUA* (smiling): Thank you for having us on your show, Dr. Phil. Its a pleasure to meet a man of such a distinguished education, such as medicine.

*PHIL*: Thank you, ma'am. But I'm not really a doctor.

*MONIQUA* (her smile turning to disgust): Huh?

*PHIL*: I'm just CALLED "doctor" by my patients.

*MONIQUA* (quickly pulling her hand away from Dr. Phil's) I see.

*PHIL*: But I do know a lot about psychological conditions, and I'm very good at giving advice, so I don't see why I shouldn't be called doctor.

*MONIQUA*: Maybe because a REAL doctor wouldn't have such attrocious furniture for people to sit on.... even in his waiting room. This color is so incredibly tacky, I might suffer a nervous breakdown just by sitting in it. Too bad there won't be a REAL doctor around to treat me if that should happen, isn't it?

(Dr. Phil adjusts his collar, and tries to ignore Moniqua's comment.)

*PHIL*: Er..... Well, lets get started. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourselves, first? How about you start us off?

(Dr. Phil gestures towards Chocula, who is all too happy to talk about himself.)

*UC*: Sure. The name's Ultimo Chocula, and I'm one-half of the SOON-TO-BE E.W.T. Tag-Team Champions, the Handsome Boys Modeling School.

*PHIL*: Mmm-hmmm. So you two are models?

*UC*: Uh... yeah, you could say that. We're actually professional wrestlers, but we're the models of what all good wrestling tag-teams should be. Sexy. Talented. Unbeatable in the ring. We're the mold that should've been broken.

*PHIL*: Hmmm. I see. Now let's talk about what you just said. You mentioned that you're sexy....

*UC*: Yep.

*PHIL*: Talented....

*UC*: Uh-huh.

*PHIL*: And unbeatable in the ring.

*UC*: You better believe it, Jack. And at E.W.T. Full House, we're going to prove just that.

*PHIL*: I see. Well, I can already see part of your problem.

(Chocula suddenly jerks his head back a bit, as though he's been taken by suprise.)

*UC*: Huh?... Problem?

*PHIL*: Yes, problem. You see, you have a problem with this idea that you need to be macho and superior.

*UC* (looking over at a puzzled Billy Ubermark): That's a problem?

*PHIL*: Of course it is. You want to exude this false impression that your somehow superior to other people, and that makes you feel more important.

*UC* (giving Dr. Phil a strange glance): Uh..... OK. How does this relate to our title match at the "Full House" pay-per-view

*PHIL*: We're not addressing that on this show. We're discussing your personal problems so I can help you deal with them. Now tell me, does this feeling of superiority spill over into your sex life?

*UC* (eyes wide): Ex-CUSE me?!

*PHIL*: I mean, do you feel like you have to be superior in the bedroom.

*UC*: Superior in the bedroom? How do you mean? I mean, I've been told I'm pretty damn good. In fact, one time I had this girl, and she started screaming out things in Italian.... ITALIAN, I tell you......

*PHIL*: Um.... Mr. Chocula, that's not what I meant.

*UC*: Well, what DID you mean, then?

(Billy nudges Chocula in the arm.)

*BU*: Hey, dude. I think he's talking about S & M.

*UC*: Oh? OH! I get it. Well, yeah, I guess sometimes I like to feel superior in the bedroom. But sometimes its nice to be the one tied up to the headboard, too. Especially if you've got a box of birthday candles.....

*PHIL* (shaking his head): That's.... that's not what I meant, either. What I meant was, do you feel like you have to have a lot of partners so that you can have a sense of superiority in the bedroom.

(Chocula stops and looks at Billy for a second.)

*BU*: Dude, what are you? Some kind of perv?

*PHIL*: Excuse me?

*BU*: Are you some kind of perv? I mean, all these questions, suddenly, about Chocula's sex life.

*PHIL*: I'm sorry if it seems personal, but I'm just trying to get to the root of the problem.

*BU*: Yeah, but asking him how many partners he has.... does he feel superior.... is he into bondage...

*PHIL* (calmly): I did not ask him if he was into sexual bondage. Now, just wait a second. We'll deal with you, next. Mr. Chocula, please answer the question.

(Chocula doesn't answer Phil. Instead, he's staring out into the audience.)

*PHIL*: Excuse me, Mr. Chocula.....

*UC* (suddenly shifting his attention back to Phil): Hmm? What?

*PHIL*: Would you please answer the question I asked you a couple seconds ago?

*UC*: What question was that?

*PHIL* (slightly aggitated): The one I asked a couple seconds ago!

*UC*: Sorry. I forgot it. I was checking out that chick in the third row with the flowers on her dress. She's got some MAJOR M.I.L.F. action going on there.

(Chocula quickly turns back to where he was staring and gives a quick wave, and mouths the words "call me" to the M.I.L.F.)

*PHIL*: I asked you if you felt you needed to be superior in the bedroom, and by that I meant do you feel you need to have a lot of partners to make yourself feel superior.

*UC*: A lot of partners? What? You mean at one time?

*PHIL* (frustrated): No, in general!

*BU*: Don't answer that, man. He's just trying to get his jollies off your private life.

*PHIL* (to Billy): I AM not!

*UC*: Wait, Billy. Do you mean my private life, or my sex life? Because my sex life hasn't really been private since that incident with the journalism intern at the Channel 7 news studio.

*BU*: This is true.

*PHIL* (trying to regain some controll): Excuse me....

*BU*: I can't believe you left the camera on in the newsroom during that escapade.

*UC*: Hey, I thought it was just going to record the event. How did I know it was going to [/i]broadcast[/i] everything across the airwaves?

*PHIL* (becoming aggitated): Excuse me....

*BU*: It was a TELEVISION STUDIO! Hello! They broadcast the six o'clock news from there, all the time.

*UC*: You know what the worst part about all that was?

*PHIL* (aggitated): Hello?!.....

*UC*: The fine I got afterwards from the FCC. I mean, come ON! That was quality entertainment!

*BU*: Did you have to take out a loan to pay that?

*UC*: Uh-uh! I got a deal to rebroadcast it on pay-per-view.

*PHIL*: EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN!

*BU*: What do you want?

*PHIL*: I'm just trying to get to the root of Mr. Chocula's problem.

*UC*: Since when is getting laid by a host of hotties considered to be a problem.

*PHIL*: I'll decide what's a problem and what isn't.

*UC* (insulted): Why do you get to decide?

*PHIL*: Because I'm the doctor, here.

*MONIQUA*: But not a REAL doctor.

*PHIL* (to Moniqua): I'm close enough! I know a lot about medicine and a lot about psychology.

*MONIQUA*: Maybe.... but you clearly know nothing about fashion. Good Lord, I can't get over how ghastly this couch is. Is this even REAL leather?

*PHIL*: Wha.... Of course not!

*MONIQUA* (sighing as though bored): Figures.

*PHIL*: Look! Mr. Chocula, you clearly suffer from a personality disorder.

*UC*: Say WHAT?!

*PHIL*: Clearly, you believe that you need to be superior to other people, and you're projecting that out in both your wrestling career AND in the bedroom.

*BU* (rolling his eyes): Here we go with the bondage bit, again.

*PHIL*: This has NOTHING to do with sexual bondage.

*UC* (shaking his head): Wait a minute! How the hell did you even come to those conclussions?! I'll have you know....

*PHIL*: That'll be all for now. Why don't you just sit there and think about those things for a while. (Dr. Phil turns to Billy) Now, what about you?

*UC* (chuckling): Oh boy! THIS should be good!

*PHIL* (turning back to Chocula): I told you to sit there and think about what I told you. Did you understand me?

*UC* (rolling his eyes): Yes, teacher!

*PHIL*: Good! Now, I'm here to help you, but you have to listen to me and do what I say if you're going to get help. And believe me, I think you need it.

*UC*: I need help?! "Hello, Pot? This is the Kettle. You're black!"

*PHIL* (turning back to Billy): Now, tell us about yourself, sir.

*UC*: Hey, Doc. If you're looking for more sexual stories to get your jollies off of, you're barking up the wrong tree, over there.

*PHIL* (giving Chocula a quick glance): SHHH!

*BU*: Well, I'm Billy "The Virgin" Ubermark. I'm also one-half of the Handsome Boys Modeling School. I'm the hottest young superstar in the E.W.T., today, as well as a former Tri-State Champion.... one of the best there ever was..... and, in less than a week at Full House, my partner and I are going to be the greatest Tag-Team Champions that the E.W.T. has ever seen.

*PHIL*: Hmmm. Ok. Now, you mentioned your partner.

*BU*: Yeah.

*PHIL*: OK. But you stated that you don't reall HAVE any partners.

*BU* (puzzled): Huh? Yeah, I do. That's him.

(Billy points at Chocula)

*UC* (raising his hand with a smile): Yo!

*PHIL*: Yes, but... as your name states, you're Billy "THE VIRGIN" Ubermark. Is that correct?

*BU*: Uh.... yeah. What of it?

*PHIL*: Well, am I to assume that you're a virgin.... sexually, I mean?

*BU*: Um.... Yeah. So?

*PHIL*: Well, it seems to me that the problem here is that you're a virgin, and that's because you haven't had sex yet.

*UC* (rubbing his eyes with his fingers): Oh, dear God! Captain Obvious to the rescue!

*PHIL*: And you see, if you were to have sex, you'd get rid of that virginity and you'd be free of that monicker... "Virgin."

(Billy sits and stares at Dr. Phil in awe for a couple of seconds while the audience applauds around him. Chcoula looks around at the audience and shakes his head in disbelief. After the audience settles down, Billy starts to talk.)

*BU*: Oh.... my.... God!

*PHIL*: What?

*BU*: That's amazing!

*PHIL* (smuggly): It is, isn't it?

*BU* (with an incredilous look on his face): Yes... it is! You just summed up a problem that I've been talking about FOR YEARS! Crimany! Did you think I didn't KNOW that I'm a VIRGIN?! Did you think that I wasn't aware of this problem in the first place?

*PHIL*: Well, you may have known about it, but you really weren't AWARE of it until I brought it up to you.

*BU* (shaking his head): You've GOT to be kidding me.

*PHIL*: No, I'm not. This is your problem. But what I bet you DON'T know is how to overcome this problem.

*BU*: You think I what?

*UC*: Is this a "Birds & the Bees" speech that's coming up?

*BU*: Yeah, because my old man gave me that one when I was in junior high..... not that it ever did me a lot of good.....

*PHIL*: You see, that's your problem, Mr. Ubermark. You think that this problem is going to go away by simply having sex with someone.

*BU* (slapping his forehead): Well, YEAH! It would! .... Wouldn't it?

*UC* (puzzled): Yeah, wouldn't it?

*PHIL*: Of course it won't. You see, all that'll happen is that you'll cease to be a virgin.

*UC*: BINGO!!!! That's what the guy wants!

*BU*: Exactly! I don't need anything else. I just have to get my sexual status changed so that people won't discriminate against me based on it.

*PHIL*: But that's not the problem. The problem is that you haven't found that special someone to help you do away with these problems.

*BU*: I haven't found that special someone? Dude, they don't have to be SPECIAL! I just have to find a chick who will put out for me. And you have no idea how difficult that is!

*UC*: He's right, Phil! I've never seen a guy with luck this bad when it comes to women.

*PHIL*: No, no! Mr. Ubermark, you need to find somebody who's SPECIAL! Somebody who knows you, and wants to get to know you better, and will love you in ways you never imagined.

*BU*: I don't know. I can imagine a lot! That's what owning the complete Jenna Jameson DVD collection will get you.

(Ultimo Chocula suddenly starts to look at Dr. Phil in a funny way.)

*UC*: Wait a minute! Billy, listen to what this guy is saying.

*PHIL*: That's right. Listen to what I'm saying! I can help you find that love that you're missing.

*BU* (looking at Chocula): Listen to.....

(Suddenly Billy looks back at Dr. Phil. He gives Phil a similar look to Chocula's and grabs onto the couch.)

*BU*: Oh, man!.... I get it now! .... You want to help me find the love that I'm missing..... PERSONALLY!

*PHIL*: Well, yes, I want to.....

*BU*: You're COMING ON to me, aren't you?

*PHIL*: Huh? What? No, I.....

*UC*: Its all starting to make sense now, Billy.

*PHIL*: This is proposterous....

*UC* (disgusted): That's why he's asking us all these questions about our sex lives, man. He wanted to size us up.

*PHIL*: What on earth....?

*UC*: He's gay, and he's looking for a couple of hot, young bods like ours to get into.

*PHIL*: That's obsurd! I'm married?

*UC*: Oh! A convenient cover, I suppose!

*BU*: That's why you were so interested in my virginity, wasn't it?! You figured that, just because I haven't had sex with a woman, that I must be gay!

*PHIL*: I didn't....

*BU*: Talk about virgin discrimination! Just because I can't get laid, I must be a homo! (Billy stands up and points at Dr. Phil) You've got issues, pal!

*PHIL*: This is....

*UC* (standing up, too, and looking at Billy): Don't feel bad, Billy. He was coming onto me, too. This explains why he considered it to be a "problem" that I was having sex with all those women.

*PHIL*: That's not....

*BU*: That's probably why he was asking you those questions about sexual bondage, too. Man, that's SICK!

*PHIL* (outraged): I DID NOT ASK ABOUT SEXUAL BONDAGE!

*BU*: Whatever! I was right here! I heard you... ya perverted freak!

(Dr. Phil jumps to his feet. His face is beat-red.)

*PHIL*: Look! I was trying to get to the bottom of your problems! I'm a doctor, and that's my job!

*UC*: Doctor, my ass! Where's your diploma?

*PHIL* I don't have a diploma. I'm not really a doctor.

*UC*: So you're not a doctor?

*PHIL*: Well, I am a doctor, but I don't have a diploma.

*UC*: So you're NOT a doctor!

*PHIL*: But I call myself a doctor...!

*UC*: Oh, THERE'S some great credentials!

*BU* (laughing): Oh, this is rich! So let me get this straight: It doesn't matter if you've got a diploma, or an education, or any of that other mumbo jumbo. If you call yourself a doctor, you automatically become one. Is that right?

*PHIL*: No, its not like......

*UC*: Sounds good to me! (Ultimo Chocula stands up on Dr. Phil's couch) I proclaim myself to be a doctor! Who wants to be my first patient!

*PHIL* (to Chocula): You can't do that!

*BU*: Why not? That's what you've been doing!

*UC* (to Billy): You think chicks will dig me in a pair of surgical scrubs?

*BU*: Are you kidding? Ever watch "Nip/Tuck" on FX?

(Moniqua puts her dog, Fru-Fru, on the ground and stands up, as well.)

*MONIQUA*: This is ridiculous! Chocula come down of the couch, immediately!

*PHIL*: Finally! Someone to help me gain some controll.

*MONIQUA*: Help you gain controll?! HA! I simply refuse to let my Handsome Boys sit here any longer and share the limelight with a phoney such as you!

*PHIL* (now with a hurt expression on his face): A phoney?! That's absurd!

*MONIQUA*: Is it?! Look at you! You claim to be a doctor, but you have no credentials.... no education.... nothing to back up your claims. You are really nothing more than a charlitan who makes wild assumptions and points out the obvious to his clients.

*PHIL*: I have lots of things to back up my claims! I have all kinds of people whom I've helped!

*MONIQUA*: Like whom?

*PHIL*: Well.... like Oprah! I've helped her with her a great deal.

*BU* (laughing): Oh, yeah! A woman who is overweight with severe commitment and self-image issues! That's nothing to hang your hat on, pal!

*PHIL*: But.... but.... I've helped so many people! I'm good at what I do!

*UC*: Bulls***! You're so full of crap, its coming out your ears!

*PHIL*: But.... look at my ratings! People believe in me!

*UC*: Ratings?! Mister, you're getting your ass handed to you in your timeslot by Tony Danza and reruns of the Teletubbies! Maybe you should look at the Nielson Books, once in a while.

*PHIL*: But I.... But I.... I'm a doctor!

(Unable to handle the truth, Dr. Phil collapses to the floor in the fetal position, and begins sobbing.)

*UC*: GEEZ-LOUISE! Enough with the doctor crap, already. I'm sick of hearing about it!

*MONIQUA*: I quite agree. William! Signore Chocula! It belive its time we left this sad excuse for a talk show!

*PHIL* (still sobbing): I realy COULD'VE been a doctor! Really, I could've!.....

(Billy looks down at Dr. Phil and shakes his head in disbelief.)

*BU*: I can't believe I went from being interviewed by Howard Stern to this garbage. This is too pathetic to even be a case of virgin discrimination. Who books these damn appearances, anyways?

*UC*: A retarded chimp would be my guess. What did this have to do with our title match at Full House anyways?

*MONIQUA*: Nothing, I'm sure. I'll be having words with the Commissioner about this. (Moniqua storms off) I'm going to have the driver bring our limo around. Get Fru-Fru and hurry along.

*UC*: No problem. I can't get out of here soon enough. Hey Billy, where's the dog?

*BU*: Over there.

(Billy points over to the chair Dr. Phil was sitting in. As he does so, Fru-Fru lifts his leg and takes a wiz on the chair. The audience laughs as Fru-Fru relieves himself. When the dog is done, Billy walks over and picks it up.)

*BU*: You know what? That's the first time I've ever agreed with this little fuzz ball.

*UC*: No kidding. C'mon, man! Let's blow this pop stand.

(Chocula and Billy walk off the stage, as Dr. Phil continues to lay on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing. Soon the sound of the entire audience leaving can be heard in the background. Dr. Phil hears it, too.)

*PHIL*: Wait! Don't go! We've still got a great show, yet.....

(The audience pays him no mind and continues to leave. Even the studio crew is abandoning Dr. Phil. The network suddenly cuts to an image that reads "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES! PLEASE STAND BY!" and the scene fades to black.)

[Curly Long]

(We return form a commercial to the Muary Show. the current Tag Line is Little People! You can be a Daddy Too! ... Muary is sitting down on his usual chair and as the camera pans across we see some of the earlier guests)

Muary Popvich begins to speak and the audience listens

MUARY: Welcome back ... now so far we have seen the poor, deprived side of American little people .. but thanks to me Muary Popvich, I have reconciled Marky with his daughter Tracey ....

We get a quick camera shot of Marky the Dwarf and his normal sized Daughter

MUARY: However there is another side to this, and that is the successful little person ... for those just tuning in we were going to be doing a story on D'Zee and her amazing approach to life from the ghetto to top EWT wrestler .. however we pulled some strings and have found a better story for the show ...

A video promo of what the show is about scrolls over the screen

Little People! You can be a Daddy Too!

MUARY: Now the little person you are about to meet thinks he is hear to promote himself and his profession which he has done well in ... what he doesn't know is that we will be presenting him with a special someone he hasn't seen for few months! ... for you see our guest despite his professional success is still a man at heart ... and we all now what tempts men every day of the week, Promiscuous behavior and our guest is a firm follower of that freedom ... So give a warm welcome to Curly Long!! and his associate Mr. Big!!

Some light Muary Show music plays as Curly and Mr. Big walk out on to the stage ... Muary shakes both there hands as they sit down

MUARY: Welcome to the show Curly and to your associate Mr. Big ... Now I believe you are involved in what could be a defining moment of your career soon, is that correct?

CURLY: Thanks for having us Muary, and you know your right ... this weekend at EWT Full House myself and Big, the Midget King & company will be taking on 3 other teams in a Fatal Fourway bout for the EWT Tag Team championships ... and we have every intention of walking out with those titles when the final bell has rung.

MUARY: Well that is truly amazing, now ..

CURLY: You know Muary, I was hesitant on appearing on this show, after all its usually quite a crude and bleak outlook on American stereo types .. but so far its been Top Class all the way .. isn't that right Big?

Mr. Big just nods, while some of the audience try to stifle there mirth at what they know may be happening soon

MUARY: Well thank you Mr. Long .. Now I know that you are ...

CURLY: worried about my opponents on Sunday? ... you have to be kidding anyone who is anyone knows that I have beaten all the men in this match up ... hell as a taster check out what we will do tot hose Nyrd boys ... but I always have a surprise in store just in case things go awry.

MUARY: Speaking of Surprises Curly, we have a surprise for you ... think back a few months what were you doing?

Curly is surprised by the change in direction of the show, but gamely continues

CURLY: well ... I was in EWT hosting the Harlot Hunt 2006! ....

MUARY: That is correct ... and can you tell me how you got on with the girls from that segment.

CURLY: Well there was that Japanese chick but she left early, and some Gymnast but she got injured .. there was that pretty one Cherry, who was a s good looking as she was in bed! ...

the audience gives an audible 'Ooooh'

CURLY: Hey she'd have slept with any of you lot if it meant a role in EWT, she is of course now with HBH, then there was Flora she was under-age, whilst Pauline was almost a man ...

Muary notes the name down for a future show

MUARY: Anyone else?

CURLY: Well obviously the winner D'Zee, she was meant to be here but pulled out for some reason.

Muary gives a wink to the camera

MUARY: and thats it no one else? ....

CURLY: Yep thats all .. thats right isn't it Big?

Mr. Big agrees with Curly by nodding his head

MUARY: Well what about .. Alicia?

CURLY: Now c'mon Muary there was no missing girl on my show, i'd remember.

MUARY: Video proof would say otherwise ... roll the footage ...

A video of EWT Harlot Hunt begins to play ...

CURLY: Your loss lady ... Cherry you can go back in the line now ... right can we have the final contender please ...

A beautiful woman walks on stage, she wears a red dress and is showing some leg,her brown hair falling just below her shoulders

CURLY: and you are?

HARLOT #7: .. I'm Alicia ...

CURLY: Oh her ... well she just kind of .. gave up and left ... haven't seen her since ...

Curly and Big look slightly concerned, but remain calm

MUARY: Well then this may come as a surprise to you Curly, but we found the missing contestant for you! .. and here she is Alicia!!

Out from the doors comes Alicia, she gives a wave to the audience. She is still looking good, her long brown hair swaying as she walks. She sits down next to Muary

MUARY: Now then Alicia .. can you tell us what happened.

ALICIA: Well it was all so sudden, we were about to go to Madagascar as a part of the competition, Mr. Long was being real nice and well one thing led to another and ... well I slept with him! ... the next day he was gone along with everyone else ...

MUARY: but that wasn't all.. he did leave a present behind didn't he!

ALICIA: ... Yes he did .... a baby!, my baby bundle that I called Tommy! ...

Out from the stage doors comes a security man carrying her baby Tommy. the audience gives another 'Ooooh'as Curly is on his seat in protest, clearly very angry. Mr. Big is trying to keep him calm

MUARY: So this man, of fame and fortune, got you pregnant and then left you behind.

The Audience Boo's

CURLY: That's a lie ... I am not that child's father, we didn't get that far I swear, I admit we got close that night after alot of drinks but nothing happened! ... I left to go to my room and then made the flight! .. you didn't!!

MUARY: Now Now Mr.Long .. calm down there is only one way to determine the truth .. and that is ...

CURLY: No I won't be calm .. I knew it from the start, you just saw me as some money making scheme for another one of your crooked shows!! .. damm you to hell Muary!! .. and you Alicia I'm a stand-up guy .. but you are worse than that Wh*** Cherry! ...always trying to get in my pants, hey I know its all women hope for when they bag a man, but No means No!! ... You Nympho Sl** !!

Mr. Big gets Curly to calm himself

MUARY: As I was saying .. the only way to determine this is a DNA Paternity Test!!

We cut to a commercial break ... we come back and find that on one side of the stage is Alicia ... the other Curly Long ... in the middle is Muary and his TV Screen some tense music is playing

MUARY: When we left ... Curly Long was revealed to have shared a night of passion with his co-worker Alica and the left her behind pregnant! ...

CURLY: That's a Lie!!

MUARY: Now thanks to DNA Testing we will find out the truth ...

he music builds up a notch, Alica has her head in her hands looking at the screen .. Curly waits patiently for the answer

MUARY: Curly Long ..... You are ......

The crowd goes silent, little Tommy gives a giggle and Mr. Big remains calm as usual

MUARY: Not the Father!!

Alicia immediately bursts into tears as some staff comfort her, meanwhile Curly jumps down from his seat and breaks out some funky dance moves, to some music with a beat. The crowd laps it up

MUARY: Well there you have it, another ...

Another man in a lab coat, rushes up to Muary with some data in his hand ....Muary listens. Mr. Big is listening too and his face is showing worry, he quickly walks over to Curly and whispers in his ear

MUARY: It would appear that although Curly is not he father, another man in this room is and that man is in fact ... MeeeeaaaahhhhooowWWW!

Curly has just punched Muary Popvich in the groin, he falls to the floor. Curly take his mike

CURLY: Oh dear ... it would appear we will never find out who Alica baby's father really is ....

Mr. Big dabs away the sweat on his brow

CURLY: Tune in to the Muary show next time ... where Muary asks the question .... Deformed Members of society ... Can I live with them?

the Muary Show them plays and the credits scroll, in the background of this we see Curly and Mr. Big pummeling Muary Popvich .. we fade out as Muary gets a 'HFD'

[Superior Dragon]

The Ellen Degeneres Show starts as Ellen does some dancing and other various stuff.

Ellen: Welcome to another episode of the Ellen Degeneres Show. I'm Ellen, and today we have a great show in store for you. We have Al Roker, Sharon Stone, and from the new movie "The Benchwarmers", we have Jon Heder. But first, we have two special guests already. From the EWT, say hello to The Suicidal Idolz!

*Weird music hits as the Idolz come out to a decent pop

Ellen: Great to have you here on the show guys.

Twizted: No problem.

Ellen: So, why don't we start off by introducing you to the viewers?

Twizted: Sure. I'm Michael Clark, better known to the EWT fans as Twizted.

Ellen: Twizted? Isn't that the name of a singer?

Twizted: Yeah, but we settled the manner and I can use the name "Twizted".

Ellen: Okay. (looks at American Saint) And why don't you introduce yourself?

AS: Not a problem. I'm Chris Matthews, better known as American Saint.

Ellen: American Saint huh? Sounds like an awesome name.

AS: Thanks Ellen.

Ellen: Your welcome. Now guys, I understand that you will be facing each other as well as three other men this Sunday in a Steel Cage Ladder match for a match against the current OX Division Champion, Bolt Bacana. What are the rules to this match?

Twizted: Well, there's a cage surrounding the entire ring with a briefcase hanging from the ceiling. The ladders are palced outside of the cage, so you have to exit, grab a ladder, enter the ring, and from there set the ladder up, climb to the top, and grab the briefcase.

Ellen: Wow, that sounds like it'll be tough.

AS: It sure is. We're competing against three other men, and we all want to be the number one contender.

Ellen: How about we show the participants in this match for the fans?

*Crowd pops for this*

Twizted: Alright.

*A screen lowers down and the faces of the competitors can be seen as Koda Kazar's face shows up. American Saint starts talking.*

AS: That's Koda Kazar, who I faced a week ago. That kid's going to go far, I'm sure.

Ellen: Wait, did you say kid?

AS: Yeah, why?

Ellen: How old is this "kid"?

AS: About.....16. It's 16, right?

Twizted: Yeah.

Ellen: Well, he should be in high school right now! Not risking his life for a fake sport!

*At this comment Tiwzted and Saint both get up, extremely pissed.*

Twizted: Care to repeat that statement again, Ellen?

Ellen: Well, it is a fake sport right?

AS: Just because it isn't real, doesn't mean we don't put our bodies on the line every night. We go through more risks than any other sport.

Ellen: Like what?

Twizted: Baseball. Can you break a couple of ribs from a ball?

Ellen: Well, not really....

AS: Basketball. Can you break your hand from blocking a shot?

Ellen: Not that I've heard...

Twizted: Football, hockey, soccer, the list goes on and on! Professional Wrestling may not be "real", but we risk our lives to give these people a great match. Now, can we get back to the matter at hand?!

Ellen: Uh....Uh....okay. Now, moving on.

*A photo of Jason Maverick is shown*

AS: That's Jason Maverick. A newcomer, but he's had some great matches.

*"The Heartbreaker" Chad Michaels shows up on the screen*

Twizted: And that's Chad Michaels. The veteran in the match, seeing as how he's been with the company the longest.

AS: But it doesn't matter. Come Full House, we will earn the title shot.

Ellen: Okay, what other matches will be at Full House?

Twizted: Well, there's the TLC Match for the GND Title between Oceanic, Rosa, Tanya Flaire, D-Zee, Chrysta and“Miss" Jackie Geisha.

Ellen: So, who's the champion?

Twizted: Oh, the champion is Oceanic. Tough as nails too.

AS: Ain't that the truth.

Twizted: Then there's Cletus Quinn vs. Deron Miller in a Loser Leaves EWT match.

AS: Both of them are losers.

Twizted: HitmanMark vs. Trik Turner in an Iron Man Submission's Match.

Ellen: Oh, what's that?

AS: It's basically an hour long match where you have to make your opponent tap more times than you do.

Ellen: Oh, OK.

Twizted: ...Yeah. Then there's Holly Vaughn..

AS: That woman gives me the creeps.

Twizted: .... vs. Carla O. Woe in an Elevator to Hell match, a Street Fight Match between HBH Bret Michaels and the Mercenary.

Ellen: Wow.

AS: I know huh? Then there's the 30-minute Hardcore Invitational match between Paul Podanski...

Twizted: The champ.

AS: facing Gasoline, A-Bomb, Crauswell, Chance Confidence...

Twizted: The most cockiest guy you'll ever meet.

AS: Dorf, Stevie Richards, and Dr. Insane-O.

Ellen: Is he a real doctor?

AS: No. He just says that he is.

Ellen: Like that hack Dr. Phil?

AS: Exactly.

Twizted: Then there's the OX Division title match between Bolt Bacana and Deamon Cohln.

AS: Guarenteed to be a classic.

Twizted: And finally Limey vs. Virus vs. Spaz vs. Principal Pain vs. Spyke Johannson vs. Eddie Omega in an outdoor Elimination Chamber match.

AS: Boy, that's a mouthfull.

Ellen: Wow, all those wrestlers competing--

Twizted: Whoops, almost forgot one. The Ragnals vs. HBMS vs. The Nyrds vs. Curly Long and Mr. Big.

AS: Dangerous, that Big is.

Ellen: Are you done?

Twizted: Yeah.

Ellen: Okay. Are all these wrestler's really competing at that PPV?

AS: Yup. That's why it's called Full House. Can you excuse me for a mintue?

Ellen: Sure.

*AS walks out of sight as Twizted and Ellen keep on talking*

Ellen: So, who do you really think is going to win the Steel Cage Ladder Match?

Twzited: I already told you Ellen, either me or my man Saint is going to go on and win the match.

Ellen: Come on. You really think that he wouldn't betray you in that match to win.

Twizted: No, he wouldn't.

Ellen: Well-

*Ellen's phone goes off as she answers it*

Ellen: Hello?....Yes, this is her.....What happened?.....Are you sure?......Okay, I'll be right there. *hangs up the phone* I'm sorry, I have to go.

Twizted: No problem.

*Ellen runs like mad as AS comes back.*

AS: Did it work?

Twizted: Yeah, it did. Now, all of you people can really enjoy the show. Because WE'RE TAKING OVER!!

*Crowd cheers for this*

AS: Hey Mike, what are we going to call this?

Twizted: Hmm....How about Alternate Dimension?

AS: Sounds good.

*The Ellen DeGeneres Show goes to a commercial as we fade out.*

[Koda, Master Crunchyroller]

*The WrestleCrap Radio theme song plays.*

RD: Hello my fellow Crappers and welcome to WrestleCrap Radio. As always, I'm your host, RD Reynolds, and joining me on the other end of the old tin can and string is Blade Braxton.

Blade: Good to be back for another show man.

RD: Good to have you back. We are going to just push back the usual schtick for this show and jump right into our interview with rising EWT Ox division wrestler, Koda Kazar.

Blade: Ah, nice change of plans there RD.

*Koda picks up the line*

Koda: Hello?

RD: Hey man! You're on WrestleCrap Radio!

Koda: Oh s***! I forgot all about that! I'm sorry, I got really addicted to The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion for my Xbox 360.

RD: Hey, it's ok, you're a teenage geek, you need to get your gaming sessions in once a day atleast.

Koda: Heh. True, I guess.

Blade: So, how do you feel going into your first PPV, Full House?

Koda: Oh, I feel a little excited. I can't wait to go in and kick some ass.

RD: I dunno about that, I mean you are the most green of the 5 men in this, what is it again?

Koda: A Steel Cage Ladder match.

RD: Oh, that's right, a 5 men Steel Cage Ladder match for the #1 contendership for the Ox Championship.

Blade: That is one serious match, are you sure you can handle it?

Koda: Oh man, I never have been so sure. I mean, you all seen my one on one match with American Saint two weeks ago, right?

RD: Oh ya, I can't forget that. You changed. You went from the somewhat conservative high flying style that you did when you started out, to a "who gives a crap?" risk taking style. Why is that?

Koda: Well, RD, when you are one of, if not the, smallest man in your division, you need to just give it your all. I mean I am not a strong powerhouse wrestler, so I have to use my speed and environment to win my matches, and in a match where anything goes, I will have a huge environment to work with.

RD: Hmm.....that makes sense. Now, onto the subject of your match with American Saint, that Swanton Bomb over the back of the chair, crashing into American Saint was crazy! What if American Saint rolled off the chair before you hit him?

Koda: Well I imagine that I may not be walking right now, to tell the truth.

Blade: Will we expect to see any more of that kind of style at Full House?

Koda: You bet your ass you will. Just be ready for what will happen, and remember to Break Your Limits!

RD: Ok, we'll remember that. Good luck at Full House, and try to come out of it alive atleast!

*Koda hangs up*

RD: Now to continue on with the show.........

*RD fades out*

[#Classic Hi-Definition X]

*We're back from commercial on the Best Damn Sports Show Period with Chris Rose, John Salley, Rob Dibble, and Rodney Peete*

CR: Welcome back. We have a special guest with us today from the Extreme Wrestlecrap Threaderation. Please welcome at this time the Heartbreak Hitman Bret Michaels.

*HBH walks out on the set in his street clothes and shakes hands with the four guys*

CR: It's great to have you here, Bret. Now from what we understand, you have a big match coming up this Sunday on PPV, right?

HBH: That is right. EWT is presenting a PPV called Full House, and I will be challenging The Mercenary for the Tri-State Championship in a Falls Count Anywhere match.

RP: So how did it come to this?

HBH: Well it's like this. I had a non-title match with him back when he was known as The Outlaw. I beat him in the middle of the ring 1, 2, 3. And the way I saw it, that automatically made me the #1 contender and I issued a challenge for the title. Outlaw, meanwhile, couldn't handle the fact that I beat him. He tried to get one up on me, but never did. And now he's bringing back that old psycho The Mercenary to take his place. But as far as I'm concerned, it won't make a damn bit of a difference. I will still be walking out of Full House the NEW Tri-State Champion.

CR: You certainly sound confident.

HBH: Hey, when you're as great as the Heartbreak Hitman, how can you not be?

JS: Ain't that the truth. Bret, you're considered to be a veteran in the EWT. Are there any new guys out there that catch your interest?

HBH: There's quite a few actually. I think Spyke Johannson has the potential to be a big star one day. Of course, he's being pampered by Limey and Spaz in Generation Tech. I see Bolt Bacana dominating the OX Division for a while before moving up into the heavyweight scene. Trik Turner also has some potential to be something.

RD: What are some of the other matches we'll be seeing on the PPV?

HBH: Well, there's also Bolt Bacana defending the OX Division title against Deamon Cohln. There's also a match between Koda Kazar, Chad Michaels, Jason Maverick, Twizted, and American Saint, where the winner becomes the #1 contender to the OX Division title.

RP: Those should be interesting.

HBH: We also have Carla O. Woe against Holly Vaughn in an Elevator to Hell match.

CR: An Elevator to Hell match? Sounds brutal.

HBH: Oh it will be. We have Oceanic defending the GND title in a TLC match against Rosa, Chrysta, Tanya Flaire, Miss Jackie Geisha, and D'Zee.

JS: Hey, didn't you used to be with Rosa?

HBH: Yeah, but that was a long time ago. She didn't want to know her place, so I dropped for an even prettier bombshell named Cherry.

RD: Do we have a picture of her?

*Picture of Cherry shows up on the screen. Wolf whistles can be heard*

JS: Dayum! She is one fine piece of ass.

HBH: She sure is. Also at the PPV we have a 4-way Tag Team Championship Match. The Ragnals will be defending against Curly Long and Mr. Big, The Nyrds, and The Handsome Boys Modeling School.

RP: Looks like the champs will have their hands tied there.

HBH: Paul Podanski is defending his Toolshed title in a Hardcore Invitational against Gasoline, A-Bomb, Stevie Richards, Dorf, Chance Confidence, Dr. Insaneo, and Crauswell.

RD: Sounds like my kind of match.

HBH: There's also Cletus Quinn against Deron Miller. And there will be an Outside Elimination Chamber Match for the EWT Heavyweight Championship. Limey is defending against his Generation Tech pals Spaz and Spyke and also against P.T.A. members Eddie Omega, Virus, and Principal Pain.

CR: Now that should be awesome.

HBH: Yeah, but we all know what the most important match will be: my match for the Tri-State title. And I guarantee victory.

CR: Well thanks for stopping by Bret. We hope to have you back here soon. Coming up, we count down our Top 10 Wildest Sports Moments of the Week. This is the Best Da,n Sports Show Period.

[Limey]

*The Today Show's theme starts up as Katie Couric and Matt Lauer smile to a good amount of cheering.*

Couric: Hi, and welcome to the Today show! I'm Katie Couric alongside Matt Lauer, and just to point out, I'm not even supposed to be here today! But I am anyway, just to greet our very SPECIAL guest!!

*The audience "OOOH!" at this.*

Lauer: That's absolutely right, Katie, our guest is one of pro wrestling's greatest divas, and an ace in the ring, too. Let's all welcome, all the way from Rochester, Carla O Woe!!

*Carla comes out to a great reaction from the crowd as she comes in to sit with Lauer and Couric.*

Carla: Hey there, pleasure to be here.

Couric: Now, Carla, you've been a pro wrestler for how long now?

Carla: Well...I've been training since a very young age...I was watching some lucha libre on WCW...something just snapped at me...I wanted to be like those guys. I wanted to do all those crazy stunts and amazing moves all for the purpose of defeating an opponent, and looking great doing it.

*This gets a good response from the crowd.*

Carla: I always got a load of people telling me, y'know, the wrestling world is a man's game, and all that...but...I stuck to my guns...got great training, and now...well...here I am, I'm going to be in EWT's most brutal brainchilds; the Elevator to Hell.

Lauer: Let's hear a little more about the Elevator to Hell. Have you done any research on it?

Carla: Well, yeah...it's just something you need to do...we've got archive footage of Spaz, he's a friend of a friend to me, battling Eddie Omega in one of those...it's pretty intense stuff...but hopefully we'll be able to fight it all in the outdoor arena this time...no more trips to the basement and back. When the elevator goes down, it'll STAY down.

Couric: And...what of your opponent, Holly Vaughn?

Carla: Holly is probably the most psychotic wrestler in the GND; including D'Zee and Chrysta the Ice Queen...but she will realise something...that when it all comes full circle, they'll be no-one left for her to turn to...The Connection have left her all to me. Holly, if you're listening, playtime is about to begin.

*The crowd "oooh" at this.

Couric: And finally...what do you think of ME?

Carla: Come again?

Couric: Well, that's what the show is all about! ME!! Katie Couric!! I'M KATIE COURIC, AND THIS IS MY HOUSE!!!

Carla: Well...it was kind of a short interview...I mean...now you want to talk about yourself?

Couric: No...I want YOU to talk about me! I want EVERYONE to talk about me! ALL CAMERAS ON ME!!!!

*The cameras zoom in on Katie as she angrily vents to the cameras.*

Lauer: K-Katie...you said you'd be good this time...

Couric: KATIE COURIC OWES NOTHING TO NOBODY!!! EVERYONE OWES EVERYTHING TO KATIE COURIC!!! I'M KATIE COURIC, B****!!!!! ALL SHALL BE DEVOURED BY ME, YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME, YOU CAN'T *BREATHE* WITHOUT ME!!! MY M4D BRO4DC4ZT1ING Sk177z r0x teh big one1111111111!!!

Carla: Um...look, if you're going to be silly about this...

Couric: NO-ONE INTERRUPTS KATIE COURIC!!! ALL WILL PERISH UNDER MY NEW WORLD ORDER!!! KILL KILL KILL THE NON-BELIEVERS! KILL KILL KI...

*Katie gets hit over the back of the head with a steel chair. Matt Lauer is revealed to be the one who swung it.*

Lauer: Damn, that b**** has an ego problem!

Carla: Thanks, Matt.

Lauer: Is coo'. Now, anything else you want to add.

Carla: Sure thing! For all your GND needs, watch EWT! We showcase the best of the best, the best way we can. I look forward to Oceanic defending against the proven veterans and the blue-chipper newcomers. From me, Carla O Woe, thanks for watching!

*The Today Show applaud as they cut to a commercial.*

[Ragnal]

*Good Morning America*

CHARLES GIBSON: Good Morning, America. I'm Charles Gibson.

DIANE: And I'm Diane Sawyer.

CHARLES: Coming up this hour, we have new from around the world, celebrity scoops, and that weather guy that isn't Al Roker.

DIANE: But first, we have with us today two guests from the Extreme Wrestlecrap Threaderation. With us via satellite is one half of the EWT Tag Team champions Joe Ragnal.

CHARLES: And in place of the other half of the EWT Tag Team champions, his brother Mike, is his sister, Linda Ragnal.

*Cut to a half screen shot of the GMA studios in New York, while the other half of the screen shows Linda and Joe, with his EWT tag belt on his lap, from the EWT Arena.

JOE: How's it going, guys?

LINDA: Hey.

CHARLES: So Joe, could you tell us again why Mike was unable to show.

JOE: Well, it's simple. Mike and myself, along with the GND champion Oceanic, took on D'Zee and the Handsome Boy Modeling School, one of our opponents this Sunday at the Full House PPV. At some point in the match, Oceanic was pinned by D'Zee, so Mike had to make a save. When he did, well, we guess D'Zee was pretty pissed by this, so she took her actions out on him, and eventually he got hit pretty hard in the face that he was knocked out.

LINDA: He's been doing fine, nothing severe, but the doctors want him to relax until Sunday.

DIANE: Well, our condolences to you and your brother. So, you mentioned that EWT will be holding a PPV on Sunday. Could you tell us anything more going on with it?

JOE: Well, the show is going to be held out in San Francisco in some ballpark, that I can tell you. What ballpark though, I'm not sure, because it's too early in the morning for us to remember. Some of the matches include the first outdoor Elimination Chamber match, a Loser Leaves Town match, a TLC match for the GND title, and a Hardcore Invitational Battle Royale. Then of course, there's our match for the EWT Tag Team titles in a Fatal Four-Way match.

CHARLES: Sounds like quite a line-up.

DIANE: So can you tell us anything about your opponents in this match?

JOE: Hm, where to begin...we have Curly Long and Mr. Big to go up against. They're most likely a threat since they're the only ones to take the tag titles off of us.

LINDA: They ended possibly the longest reign for the tag belts though.

JOE: Four months and four days. Quite an accomplishment, you ask me.

LINDA: No kidding.

JOE: Anyway, we also have the Nyrds to go up against. We've faced them twice before, actually, and we beat them both times, but considering the circumstances of this match, it's hard to say who could win. Then of course, there's the HBMS. Quite possibly the one team myself and Mike have had the longest history with, not to mention they were our first major rivals when we started in singles matches, Mike with Billy Ubermark and me and Ultimo Chocula. Considering the score's kind of...evened with them, this may just be the hardest match we'll end up with.

CHARLES: Alright, well, best of luck. Now Linda, you just returned from a severe injury a few weeks ago. How does it feel to be back after so long?

LINDA: Well, it's not at all different, actually. While I was out I spent some time at SAW helping to teach the new students we obtained. And a few weeks later, I was getting into a feud of sorts with Mistress Lana. So then I made my return against Oceanic, and just last week I took on Tanya Flaire.

DIANE: Tanya's a student to you, isn't she?

JOE: Well, she beat Linda last week, so she's getting to be more than a student. *chuckles*

LINDA: Funny. But seriously, Tanya's a good girl, she's a good wrestler, and she's even got a shot at the GND title this Sunday in the TLC match.

CHARLES: So, what does the future hold for the Ragnals after Full House?

JOE: Well, more than likely if me and Mike win, we'll still be taking on all comers in the tag division. If we lose, though, we were intending to take on the singles division. I've been putting some interest into both the Ox Division and the Toolshed division. Mike's been hoping to go for either the World title or the Tri-State title.

DIANE: Which brings us to our next question. Your brother Mike has been showing some interest in the current Tri-State champion the Outlaw. Could you tell us why that is?

JOE: Well, Mike doesn't have any interest in Merc...Outlaw...whatever. See, Mike has this thing about respect when it comes to the belts in the EWT, and right now, he doesn't believe Merc has any respect for the title he holds right now. I mean, he took that belt to another federation and promoted himself like he was the best thing since sliced bread there, and just talked like that promotion was nothing but crap. Heck, Mike even found out that he still uses the belt around there, despite a cease & desist order from Toomi. So, if Merc ends up winning at Full House against HBH, we'll tell you right now Mike's not gonna be pleasent at all.

LINDA: Just understand though, this is only the calm version. If Mike was to tell you guys, we'd prolly end up off the air and kicked out of here by the FCC.

CHARLES: Okay, well, we're going to cut to the local weather in a second, do you have any last words for our viewers?

JOE: Just one thing.

*Joe and Linda nod.*

JOE: We're gonna clean house in the Fatal Four-Way match, and we're going to DEFEND the Tag team titles!

J&L: And THAT'S the Shocking Truth!

[Spyke the Pacers Fan]

(The familiar guitar riffs of the Space Ghost Coast to Coast theme welcome everyone to the show, followed by that woman at the end that goes ”Oh-oh, ohohohohohohohhhh!”)

(Space Ghost fades into view, where he is already in his seat)

SG: Welcome, to my show. We have a great guest here tonight. One that is almost as SUPERPOWERFUL as I am. But first, Zorak, how are you doing today?

Zorak: I feel like crap, as usual.

(Space Ghost stares at him a few seconds, then zaps him)

SG: Brak, how you doin’?

Brak: *waving hands in the air* Hi! My name is Brak!

SG: Yes, yes it is. Moltar, how’s it going in the control room?

Moltar: It’s boring as hell.

(Space Ghost fades away, and appears in the control room)

SG: Now c’mon buddy don’t say that (puts arm around Moltar). The guest we have tonight is someone you might be interested in.

Moltar: How? Is your guest a Spaceship-driving Florence Henderson, who can get me out of this hellhole?

SG: (happilly) Not at all! (fades back to desk) Please welcome EWT Superstar, Spyke Johannson!

Moltar: (dejected) Dammit…

(A screen then lowers with Spyke on it.)

SG: Welcome, Mr. Johnson!

Spyke: It’s “Johannson.”

SG: First off, every superhero needs superpowers, what are yours?

Spyke: Well, I don’t have any per se…

SG: What kind of superhero are you then (flexes muscles)?

Spyke: I’m not a superhero, I’m a professional wrestler.

SG: Aren’t ALL pro wrestlers superheroes, though?

Moltar: You know, my father was a wrestler.

Zorak: Oh no, not this again…

Moltar: (almost crying) He was graceful in the ring. (full-on crying) Do you know my father, Spyke?!

Spyke: (startled) Um, well…

Moltar: Are YOU my father?!

Spyke: I’m only… 19.

SG: Enough of this, save it for Maury! Now Spyke, can you shoot lasers out of your hands?

Spyke: Nope, sorry.

SG: Would you find it impressive if it did… THIS?! (zaps Zorak again)

Spyke: Yeah, that is pretty impressive, but can you do a shooting star press?

SG: Are you kidding me? I’M SPACE GHOST! (flexes muscles)

Spyke: Then do one. Do a shooting star press!

SG: Alright I will!

(Space Ghost leaps from his seat and flies through the roof. Cut to stock footage from 1967 of Space Ghost crushing rocks in space. Flies back into studio through same hole in ceiling.)

SG: How was THAT, Mr. Jackson?!

Spyke: Good, good, I guess. Oh, and it’s “Johannson.”

SG: What is?

Spyke: My last name.

SG: What was your first name?

Spyke: Spyke.

SG: Why would you change it from “Spyke” to “Johannson?”

Spyke: No, wait, ugh, dammit.

Zorak: Space Ghost, that’s not what he was talking about, you moron. And besides, what you did is not a shooting star press. Moltar, roll clip #ACG051!

(Moltar is leaning against the console, face buried in his arm, still crying. He pulls a lever)

(A clip plays of Spyke hitting the Dancing Star Press on Koda Kazar)

SG: See? You DO have superpowers!

Spyke: What?!

SG: You did a backflip off of the turnbuckle, but yet, you went forward. You can defy gravity! SUPERHERO!

Spyke: Yeah, but…

SG: SUPERHERO!

Spyke: Ugh. Yes, I am a superhero.

SG: Good, now shoot Zorak with your laser.

Zorak: Wait, what?!

Spyke: I don’t have a laser.

SG: Sure you do! You are a SUPERHERO! Just hold your arm straight out in front of you and make a fist.

(Spyke does so. Space Ghost leaps behind the monitor and zaps Zorak.)

SG: Bonafide SUPERHERO!

(Spyke just looks forward, not saying anything)

Brak: Hi! My name is Brak!

SG: Mr. Jameson…

Spyke: Johannson.

SG: …what would you think if I got in the ring with you?

Spyke: What do you mean?

SG: As a tag team, one match only.

Spyke: Well, I don’t know…

SG: (quietly) I’ll let you plug your show if you agree to it.

Spyke: (sighs) Fine. One match only.

SG: Great! Spork Jenson and Space Ghost! TAG TEAM! Now plug the show.

Spyke: (towards camera) Sunday, April 16th, at AT&T Park in San Francisco. EWT Full House. I’ll be in the main event with my friends, Limey and Spaz and the P.T.A.

SG: Great! Well that’s all the time we…

(short pause, then suddenly Space Ghost zaps Zorak again)

SG: …have for tonight. Good night folks!

[Virus aka Captain No-Nuts]

(We come back from commercials on NBC to see Conan O' Brien and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog sitting behind Conan's desk, both wearing matching suits. We can see the hand up Triumph's ass clearly as the applause dies down.)

Triumph: I mean, how can something so small and delicate be such a filthy and brutal WHORE?

(The crowd laughs.)

Conan: Oh! We're back! Welcome back to the Late Show, and if the idea of a naked *bleep* doesn't turn you on, (Crowd laughs) then the next set of guests most certainly will. Introducing three of the men involved in the Outdoor Elimination Chamber match at the Extreme Wrestlecrap Threaderation's Full House pay-per-view event this Sunday, Principal Pain, Eddie Omega, and Virus... the P.T.A!

(The non-kayfabe-following audience applauds politely as the PTA makes its way out, all wearing suits. Conan shakes hands withall three men as they sit down.)

Conan: Now, I know the EWT has a lot of fans, but for the people who are in the dark, could you explain what you do?

Pain: Well...

Triumph: I'll tell you about professional wrestling! It's an excuse for grown men to get all greased up, put on spandex, and grab each other's balls!

(Pain shoots Triumph a withering look as the crowd laughs.)

Virus: Actually, that's about right... although it isn't as homosexual as that overgrown sockpuppet would have you believe.

Triumph: Sockpuppet? Sockpuppet? Why don't you go ask that Pekinese in your dressing room what she thought of me?

(Conan, sensing that the PTA is getting a little pissed off, tries to steer the segment back on track.)

Conan: Alright moving on, we've seen the Elimination Chamber before on your competition's programming. What makes the EWT's Elimination Chamber so special?

Omega: Well, it's outdoors, so it could start raining, making things difficult for the people in the ring. Vision problems, the ring will get slippery...

Triumph: ... The men will get slippery...

(Omega gets to his feet and starts undoing his tie. Virus leaps up to restrain him.)

Omega: Listen to me, you cigar-chewing failure of a Don Rickles rip-off! If you know what's good for you, you'll shut your mouth!

Triumph (sarcastically): Ooooh, I'm scared. The spandex-wearing pretty boy's gonna grab my crotch! Listen, spanky, I've had my crotch grabbed so many times it's like getting out of bed in the morning!

(Omega struggles to get past Virus, and almost succeeds before Pain rises to his feet to hold Omega back.)

Triumph: I've never seen so many greased-up men in tights in one place before! In fact, I've never seen wrestling that wasn't "you grab my dick and I'll grab yours!" And look at you two! Whispering sweet nothing into your little teacher's pet's ear to get him to calm down!

(All three PTA members round on Triumph. Triumph seems to lose his fabled cajones as he backs down.)

Triumph: But seriously folks, these guys risk their lives out there every night to entertain us. They're great athletes, and great people, and I'm sure none of them are gay... and professional wrestling, when you get right down to it... is a great sport....

(The PTA members, satisfied, straighten out their suits and sit down. Triumph takes a deep breath, cigar falling out of his "mouth", as the crowd knows what's coming next...)

Triumph: FOR ME TO POOP ON!

(The PTA jumps back up to its feet as the crowd roars with laughter at Triumph's one and only catchphrase. Eddie Omega goes after Conan as Virus and Pain go after Triumph! The crowd gasps as Omega throws Conan through the stage backdrop! Pain stands up onto a chair and signals for the EXPULSION as Virus lifts Triumph (and the hand up Triumph's ass) into a military press! Pain leaps up and HITS THE EXPULSION ON TRIUMPH THROUGH CONAN'S DESK! The audience boos as Virus turns to the camera.)

Virus: Take heed, Generation Tech. At Full House, we will take you out and take that EWT Heavyweight Title. And if you don't believe THAT, you had better PREPARE... to be... INFECTED!

Pain: Class.. DISMISSED!

(The PTA walk out, calmly, leaving the camera to view the destruction as the "technical difficulties" screen comes up.)

[Limey]

*We are at the studio for Wake Up, San Francisco! Danny Tanner is there, along with the lovely Rebecca Donaldson, and he is greeted with canned applause.*

Tanner: Thank you, you're a beautiful audience, etc. Tonight, we have a very special guest who hails all the way from jolly ol' England!

Rebecca: That's absolutely right! But don't get him wrong, he'd rather lock you in a Queen Arm Scissors than take you to meet the Queen! (Canned laughter) Let's welcome the world champion of Extreme Wrestlecrap Thrrrrreaderation...LIMEY!!!

*We cut to Limey, wearing shades and a casual evening suit with the EWT championship draped over his shoulder. He nods to Danny as we hear canned cheering and applause.*

Donaldson: Now, first off...where did you get that suit? It's terrific!

Limey: Five finger discount.

Tanner: YOU STOLE IT??

Limey: Nah, that's the name of the store. You collect five of their official finger puppets and you get a ten percent discount. (Canned laughter. Exaggerated to a fault.)

Tanner: Oh, well that's alright then. Soooo...what's it like being champion?

Limey: Champion? The way I see it, I'm already a champion...with or without the title. I'm champion...of the hearts...of many a wrestling fan. (Canned "Aww.")

Donaldson: That is so sweet.

Tanner: Sweet? I'm a champion of darts, but I can't say I'm the champion of dart fans!

Limey: Well, Tanner, that's because dart players don't have fans...no offence. (Loud canned applause.)

Donaldson: Now, onto your friends and allies, Generation Tech. Are there any seeeecret stories we should know about them?

Limey: Well...(Canned "OOHs") I know that Spyke once spread an internet rumor that got out of hand...now about 6 million internet viewers really believe that Ranger Joe actually starts forest fires to boost his viewing!

*Canned laughter hits as we cut to Joey Gladstone's apartment. He spits out coffee, and then goes into a rant.*

Joey: CUT...IT..OUUUUT!!!!!!!

*We hear much more canned applause as we cut back to the studio.*

Limey: But we're mostly a great bunch. Now, the PTA on the other hand...they're not. They're pretty nasty types.

Tanner: They seem alright to me...

Limey: Oh, Really?

Tanner: Yeah...Really.

Limey: OH, REALLY?

Tanner: YEAH, REALLY!

Limey: O RLY??

Tanner: YA RLY!!!

Limey: Well, then, maybe you should drop on by...to see first-hand what the PTA are capable of. Better still...you could announce!!

Tanner: But...I don't look the part...

Limey: Don't worry, I have just the thing!

*Limey pulls out a nacho hat, and places it on Tanner's head to huge canned applause.*

Limey: There. NOW, you look pathetic! (Canned laughter)

Rebecca: Oooh...you're going to look so cute!!

Tanner: Cute? CUTE? Do you KNOW how hard it is to get nacho cheese out of a suit?

Limey: Oh, don't bother, you can wear shorts and a T-shirt. We'll provide! You don't have to worry about a thing!

Tanner: (Dejectedly) Oh...perfect. (Canned laughter).

Rebecca: Finally, Limey, what is your opinion of the chamber?

Limey: Unforgiving steel, I've heard....well...WE didn't do anything to it, why should it not forgive us for something we didn't do yet? (Huge canned applause) But I tell you this...Gen Tech will walk out of there with a champion...I'm going to do my damndest to defend this title...and if the PTA have anything to say about it...life...will give...them...LIMES. Anyway, thank you, Rebecca, it's great to be here.

Rebecca: Anytime, Limey.

Limey: You too, Bob.

Tanner: That's DANNY!

Limey: Oops. Sorry. Danny. On the forum we're on, instead of the W-word to describe a woman with loose sexual morals, we have to say Bo...

*Limey is drowned out by canned applause as the set fades to black.*

[chanceconfidence]

We come back from commercial for the Tony Danza Show.

Danza: Welcome back to the show everybody. My next guest is a member of the EWT Wrestling Roster... please give a warm welcome to... Chance Confidence!

Chance walks out wearing a ridiculously shiny silver shirt with his initials monogrammed on it and a matching pair of equally shiny dress pants. Chance walks over, ignoring Danza and sitting down on a nearby couch.

Danza: Welcome to the show Mr. Confidence.

Chance: Yeah, wasn't my idea. Was one of my employer... so thank your lucky stars you are even being graced with my presence.

Danza: Ummm... alright. So tell me Chance, what's this EWT group supposed to be?

Chance looks up

Chance: It's a wrestling group genius. Extreme Wrestling Threaderation. You just said so yourself a few minutes earlier... what, got a five second memory Dumbza?

Danza: Hey... you better show me some respect... I can get your sorry ass thrown out of here!

Chance: Heh... you know I could... I should... but I won't. And if you do throw me out, where are you going to find another guest as great as myself? The answer... YOU AREN'T! Now just get this interview other and done with real quick so I can get the hell out of here.

Danza: Fine... you're here to promote some kinda Pay Per View thing right?

Chance: That's right... Full House, long story short... I'm going to win there... the other people might win, I don't know. Point is... you should order it... are we done now? I'm sure you'd like to get back home and relieve your glory days watching episodes of Who's the Boss...

Chance hops up off the couch and quickly exits the room... as the crowd looks pretty... well, speechless. Danza stands there.

Danza: ummm... well that does it for today... see ya later.

Danza runs off crying like a little girl as we cut to the credits.

[The Lach is very tired]

*The current cast of The Surreal Life are sitting around talking when Spaz walks into the room. Spaz walks straight up to the camera.*

S: EWT Full House, live on PPV this Sunday 16th April.

*Spaz then slaps Alexis Arquette across the face.*

S: That's for your brother the WCW Champion.

*Spaz then turns & leaves the room, leaving everyone in shock.*