Post by The Peoples Elbow on Oct 23, 2008 13:29:53 GMT -5
All,
I have been a loyal member of this board for a few years now. You guys have always put a smile on my face and brought a little laughter into my daily life at work. This is a long post and for that, I’m sorry, but it’s a long story…
I just turned 30, and haven’t talked to my dad in almost 5 years. Let me give you some history. He raised me as a child and I had limited contact with my mother until the age of 13, at which point I chose to sever all communication.
My mother was a selfish individual who had little concern for anyone but herself. Thus, my father became "Mr. Mom." We had a very good relationship throughout grade school. However, my father had his house foreclosed on in 1991, when I finished my sixth grade year. The foreclosure was a direct result of the financial pressures my mother put my father under (i.e. alimony payments). My father was initially able to make the payments, but then my mother sabotaged both of us by telling my father's employer lies (she claimed that my father was overcharging the company, which was not true). She clearly didn’t care what effects this would have, only that my dad had a house and she didn’t (because he actually worked for a living).
My father owned his own air-conditioning company (which he may still operate to this day) and this was his main customer (who owned 5 very large building complexes). As a result, he lost most of his financial stability. It was at this point in 1991 that he started becoming a different person, but it wouldn't start to really show until I started high school 1993-1994. Most parents expect their children to become more independent as time goes on, but my father was not nearly as understanding. Times were hard and money was scarce, and when my grandmother (his mother) died in 1996, he decided (despite my pleading) to take up residence in her old one bedroom condo, in an elderly retirement community. He took the bedroom, while I slept on an air mattress on the floor.
He expected me to work on the truck with him whenever he received work, and in essence, I became more or less his reluctant helper. The reason for my reluctance was that when the two of us would work together it would cause more problems than anything else. I also wanted to become my own person, and not forced to be attached to my parent’s hip, so to speak. I was under his thumb for the majority of the time, and living in that retirement community, I also had no friends (outside of my old friends in Coral Springs) because everyone was over 60. I had no car and my father wouldn't teach me how to drive because he claimed it would raise his insurance. I begged him to give me money to attend college classes, so that I could eventually become a college graduate, but he refused to, claiming that he needed me to work with him on, and that he had no helpers.
This continued until 1999, when I finally wore him down enough, and I started college classes. I began to feel like I was worth something. Aside from college, though, I became more of a homebody during the weekdays and when weekends came I would be able to spend time with my friends (when I wasn't working with my father). I also had an established rock band that I spent the majority of my free time with and we were making a name for ourselves, but practices were scarce and my father would lock himself in his room when I played my acoustic guitar at night. This living arrangement continued for 6 years (from 1996 until 2002) at which point I decided to move out. I was lucky enough to have student grants and loans, and I used the money to live on campus (where my father wouldn't be able to control me).
Jan 3, 2002 was one of the best days of my life. I finally moved out of my dad’s condo and had some space from him in order to become my own person. Now, don't get me wrong, my dad was really there for me for everything when I was younger, but from 1996 on (when my grandmother died) he became quite bitter and had a very one-sided point of view. He has always disliked all of my friends and has not been approving of any of my girlfriends, including my fiancée (now wife).
I have now graduated and got married (I invited him to the wedding, but he never even replied to the invitation). I don't do drugs, I have a steady job which pays for the bills and I am a respectable human being. Between working 40 hours a week, I also attend teach guitar on the weekends. The last communication we had was during Chanukah 2004 when I was leaving to visit my wife’s family in a different state. The night before, he had asked for me to come over his house and clean it for him. I declined and explained to him that I couldn’t possibly do this since I had to be up early for the flight out. I called him multiple times when I returned from the trip, but he did not return any of my calls.
He always swore "I was never there for him" all the while laying on the Jewish guilt and it just made me ill (literally). I don't feel like confronting him in person about this, because I've just had enough. One psychologist told me to stay away from him, as it will only add stress to my life and no good can come from it. What do you guys suggest?
I have been a loyal member of this board for a few years now. You guys have always put a smile on my face and brought a little laughter into my daily life at work. This is a long post and for that, I’m sorry, but it’s a long story…
I just turned 30, and haven’t talked to my dad in almost 5 years. Let me give you some history. He raised me as a child and I had limited contact with my mother until the age of 13, at which point I chose to sever all communication.
My mother was a selfish individual who had little concern for anyone but herself. Thus, my father became "Mr. Mom." We had a very good relationship throughout grade school. However, my father had his house foreclosed on in 1991, when I finished my sixth grade year. The foreclosure was a direct result of the financial pressures my mother put my father under (i.e. alimony payments). My father was initially able to make the payments, but then my mother sabotaged both of us by telling my father's employer lies (she claimed that my father was overcharging the company, which was not true). She clearly didn’t care what effects this would have, only that my dad had a house and she didn’t (because he actually worked for a living).
My father owned his own air-conditioning company (which he may still operate to this day) and this was his main customer (who owned 5 very large building complexes). As a result, he lost most of his financial stability. It was at this point in 1991 that he started becoming a different person, but it wouldn't start to really show until I started high school 1993-1994. Most parents expect their children to become more independent as time goes on, but my father was not nearly as understanding. Times were hard and money was scarce, and when my grandmother (his mother) died in 1996, he decided (despite my pleading) to take up residence in her old one bedroom condo, in an elderly retirement community. He took the bedroom, while I slept on an air mattress on the floor.
He expected me to work on the truck with him whenever he received work, and in essence, I became more or less his reluctant helper. The reason for my reluctance was that when the two of us would work together it would cause more problems than anything else. I also wanted to become my own person, and not forced to be attached to my parent’s hip, so to speak. I was under his thumb for the majority of the time, and living in that retirement community, I also had no friends (outside of my old friends in Coral Springs) because everyone was over 60. I had no car and my father wouldn't teach me how to drive because he claimed it would raise his insurance. I begged him to give me money to attend college classes, so that I could eventually become a college graduate, but he refused to, claiming that he needed me to work with him on, and that he had no helpers.
This continued until 1999, when I finally wore him down enough, and I started college classes. I began to feel like I was worth something. Aside from college, though, I became more of a homebody during the weekdays and when weekends came I would be able to spend time with my friends (when I wasn't working with my father). I also had an established rock band that I spent the majority of my free time with and we were making a name for ourselves, but practices were scarce and my father would lock himself in his room when I played my acoustic guitar at night. This living arrangement continued for 6 years (from 1996 until 2002) at which point I decided to move out. I was lucky enough to have student grants and loans, and I used the money to live on campus (where my father wouldn't be able to control me).
Jan 3, 2002 was one of the best days of my life. I finally moved out of my dad’s condo and had some space from him in order to become my own person. Now, don't get me wrong, my dad was really there for me for everything when I was younger, but from 1996 on (when my grandmother died) he became quite bitter and had a very one-sided point of view. He has always disliked all of my friends and has not been approving of any of my girlfriends, including my fiancée (now wife).
I have now graduated and got married (I invited him to the wedding, but he never even replied to the invitation). I don't do drugs, I have a steady job which pays for the bills and I am a respectable human being. Between working 40 hours a week, I also attend teach guitar on the weekends. The last communication we had was during Chanukah 2004 when I was leaving to visit my wife’s family in a different state. The night before, he had asked for me to come over his house and clean it for him. I declined and explained to him that I couldn’t possibly do this since I had to be up early for the flight out. I called him multiple times when I returned from the trip, but he did not return any of my calls.
He always swore "I was never there for him" all the while laying on the Jewish guilt and it just made me ill (literally). I don't feel like confronting him in person about this, because I've just had enough. One psychologist told me to stay away from him, as it will only add stress to my life and no good can come from it. What do you guys suggest?
