Mozenrath
FANatic
Foppery and Whim
Speedy Speed Boy
Posts: 121,184
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Post by Mozenrath on Oct 5, 2008 4:18:58 GMT -5
Because who DOESN'T love a groaner? I went on a date with the British Nanny, Louise Woodward, and I don't want to brag, but she shook me all night long. Even I am shaking my head at my own joke for that incredibly dated reference.
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Post by strykerdarksilence on Oct 5, 2008 7:58:46 GMT -5
So many kinds of wrong that it came out right
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Post by Mad Johnny Maxx on Oct 5, 2008 8:58:15 GMT -5
Hoo-ahh! A joke thread!
I've got some groaners!
Homeless guy told me he hadn't had a bite in weeks...so I bit him! *rimshot*
Mother and daughter walking along the beach. Daughter asks "Mother...have you ever had that...'not so fresh' feeling?" Mother says "I don't know, dear...why don't you ask those seagulls that are following us?" *rimshot*
I tell ya, I was an ugly baby...UUUUUUGLY baby! How ugly, you ask? Well, mom and pop tied a steak to me, so the DOG would play with me! *rimshot*
And if my childhood wasn't bad enough...the only game I remember being able to play was Hide............. *rimshot*
Hooooo boy...then I get older, I tried to buy a prostitute...she told me "not on the first date!" *rimshot*
And then if that wasn't bad enough...I bought one of those Real Dolls...ya know...the dolls that look so real, it's almost borderline necrophelia...since they don't move at all. So I got one that talks...it told me "let just be friends!" *rimshot*
Hoooooooo boy, then last night...I get the ultimate in rejection...my hand went to sleep...and the other complained of carpal tunnel! *rimshot*
That's all I have, folks! G'nite and tip the veal and try the waitress!
*crickets chirp*
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Post by Joe Neglia on Oct 5, 2008 9:53:46 GMT -5
one that a former co-worker actually had me cracking up laughing at once, probably due to my not being "all there" at the moment. Barely skirts the rules I think.
"Could be worse man; you could be a dyslexic agnostic insomniac."
"What?"
"Staying awake all night wondering of there's a dog..."
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Post by B'Cup x on Oct 5, 2008 10:12:34 GMT -5
one i heard a while ago that i found funnier than i should have:
"i had to visit the doctor the other day, I go in and after a while he tells me im going to have to stop masturbating, shocked i ask why and he tells me because hes trying to exam me"
if thats against the rules Ill delete it
one i heard last week:
Whos the coolest person in a hospital?
the ultra sound guy
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Mr T L Wolf
Hank Scorpio
He has the looks of Andre the Giant, and the strength of Barry Windham. Not to mention he's a hero to a few armadillos, a kangaroo and a small herd of bison.
Posts: 5,319
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Post by Mr T L Wolf on Oct 5, 2008 10:47:46 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar - Ouch.
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longdogga
Don Corleone
All australian look like this ^^^
Posts: 1,425
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Post by longdogga on Oct 5, 2008 11:30:54 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar - Ouch. the dyslexic walked into a bra also the fish swam into the concrete wall....|DAM
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Goldenbane
Hank Scorpio
THE G.D. Goldenbane
Posts: 7,331
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Post by Goldenbane on Oct 5, 2008 14:07:06 GMT -5
Two eskimos were kyacking down river, when it suddenly started to get extremely cold. In an attempt to keep warm, they gathered some twigs and branches and started a small fire. Sadly their kyack sank immediately to the river bottom, proving once again that you can't have your kyack and heat it too.
Two men decided to throw a huge costume party. The party was going great, but the first man kept wondering where the second man was. When the second man finally arrived, he was just carrying a girl on his back. "Hey!" said the first man. "I thought we agreed this would be a costume party, where's your costume!" "I'm a snail!" The second man replied. "A snail? You're just carrying around some woman on your back!" "Yes...that's Michelle."
A horse walked into a bar, and the bartender asked "Why the long face?"
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default
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
Blames Everything On Snitsky. Yes, Even THAT.
Posts: 17,056
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Post by default on Oct 5, 2008 15:22:07 GMT -5
Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at KFC? You get two small breasts and a battered thigh.
I went to a pretty rough school. A teacher asked a kid if he could demonstrate gravity, so he threw her out the window.
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Post by Dynamite Kid on Oct 5, 2008 16:55:09 GMT -5
I was reading the newspaper at the dentist's today. Terrible about the Titanic, isn't it?
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Post by Jason Todd Grisham on Oct 5, 2008 17:49:36 GMT -5
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Leprechaun walk into a bar.
The Leprechaun says, "I'm in the wrong joke!"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2008 18:06:37 GMT -5
There were these three ducks who lived on this peaceful pond. They got into trouble and were sent to the duck who was in charge of the pond, whose name was Bill. The first one stepped up in front of Bill and looked at the ground. Bill asked, "What's your name?" The little duck replied, "Duck." "Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill. "I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck. "You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck waddled away. The second duck approached Bill. Bill asked this duck, "What's your name?" The little duck replied, "Duck Duck." "Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill again. "I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck. "You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck Duck waddled away. Now Bill, was getting annoyed and thought he had discovered a pattern. When the third little duck waddled up to him Bill said, "Let me guess. You're Duck Duck Duck?" "Nope" replied the little duck. "I'm bubbles."
ill see myself out
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2008 18:08:46 GMT -5
Eh, did you guys hear that news about the Chinese pencils that got recalled?
No?
Wanna know what happened?
They had LEAD in them.
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Mozenrath
FANatic
Foppery and Whim
Speedy Speed Boy
Posts: 121,184
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Post by Mozenrath on Oct 5, 2008 23:13:10 GMT -5
I love you guys so much. ;D
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nate5054
Hank Scorpio
Lucky to be alive in the Chris Jericho Era
Posts: 7,014
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Post by nate5054 on Oct 5, 2008 23:45:14 GMT -5
My favorite joke of all time:
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here." The mushroom says "why not, I'm a fun guy!"
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El Pollo Guerrera
Grimlock
His name has chicken in it, and he is good at makin' .gifs, so that's cool.
Status: Runner
Posts: 14,762
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Post by El Pollo Guerrera on Oct 6, 2008 0:24:40 GMT -5
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the clerk "Give me some Chapstick... put it on my bill." www.instantrimshot.com/
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Mozenrath
FANatic
Foppery and Whim
Speedy Speed Boy
Posts: 121,184
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Post by Mozenrath on Oct 6, 2008 1:26:32 GMT -5
Hate to use the same premise, but...
A duck walks into a pharmacy, looks through all of the aisles, and looks at every single item for sale, seemingly searching for a particular item.
"Excuse me, duck, sir," said the cashier, "Can I help you?"
"Oh, I was wondering if you folks have grapes."
"No, sir, no grapes. We're a pharmacy, you'd be better off at a grocery for that."
"Thank you sonny, have a nice day."
However, despite the cashier's advice, the duck would return every single day for a week. The formerly cordial cashier was at his wit's end.
"CAN. I. HELP. YOU?" he managed to get out through gritted teeth, as the duck had appeared once more.
The duck did not seem to notice the angry tone. "Got any grapes?"
"That's it! NO, we do not have GRAPES! This is a pharmacy, we will never have grapes here! And if you ask me again, I will nail your feet to the floor!"
The duck scurried out, not appearing again for the rest of the day. The next morning, however, he strolled in, seemingly unaware of what had transpired the day before.
"Can I help you, sir?" asked the cashier, veins popping out all over his weary forehead.
"Do you have any nails, young man?"
The cashier was dumbstruck. It took a second to sink in, and the cashier finally managed to stammer out, "No, sir, we do not have any nails."
The duck grinned. "Got any grapes?"
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