Post by i.Sarita.com on Sept 1, 2009 0:19:41 GMT -5
...but I need to vent SOMEPLACE. And I don't think Facebook is such a good idea, seeing as I actually know and would have to see those people in person. So I come to thee, my dear sweet Wrestlecrap, with the mindless and insane rantings of a Chris Sabin fan...
~Sometimes I feel as though I get ahead of myself. Not in the sense that I'm doing things quicker than I should be. But more in the sense of living outside of myself. Or the person I try to be. Things start happening, time starts ticking away, and the next thing I know...I'm just "doing" and not "living". It's really not a nice thing when you finally realize that you are. It's kind of like your mind is running a relay race with itself...but eventually you start to get going, and you run faster and faster and forget to look back...but when you finally do, you see that you left part of yourself, your relay partner, behind. And there is a great distance before it will catch up. Then you start to feel lonely, and look around. You suddenly realize that you're alone on a dark road, with woods on either side. And no matter how long it takes for you to catch up, there is that agony of the wait. That's kind of where I'm at right now I think. Standing alone, on the dark wooded path, tired and waiting.
I suppose the plus side would be that I did stop to look back. I think most people end up just running as fast as they can, forgetting the rest of them as they go. Never getting to finish, just running and running. Then if they do finally get to the end, they can't even see the rest of themselves. Lost far away in the dark, down the path. There was a time, not long ago in my life, in which I didn't even care to run. I walked along, enjoying the scenery. Even though I knew it was a race, I didn't really care to win it. I had what I needed along side me, as hindering as it was. But then it was gone...and it's been gone for months now. And I again find myself tired and out of breath, wondering if the race will be over, or if I still have countless miles to go. Gasping for air as the blood pounds in my head. Only to realize that I was getting away from myself. Not the person who was walking and not the person who was sprinting...but the jogger. The one with balance. The one who can still appreciate the beauty of the trail, but is also focused on winning the race. But as I said, I'm starting to slow down...and catch up.
I don't imagine it'll be as easy as it was before. Things are different now. Strange, and confusing. It seemed like it wouldn’t be, it was something I strived for. And yet, I still find myself lost and dazed most of the time. People talk of a comfort zone; well I'm miles away from mine. I haven’t felt this way...ever maybe. Or nothing like it I guess. I've been confused and lost before, but this time it's a little different. A little more "real" and that's the hardest part. I say things and do things that are "normal" to me, normal to my way of thinking, and it'd be considered different now. I've become far to wrapped up in caring where I fit, inside of just allowing myself to settle in. Caring too much of what others are saying or doing, and not focusing on what I’m saying and doing. I'm not use to having the time. The time to think...it's not something I enjoy. Or at least not when it's about things like this. I miss not having to worry about it. But then again, I HATED not caring. It's horrible either way I suppose.
Not long ago, I was generally happy with who I was. Maybe not WHERE I was, but who I was. Am I'm not really sure what changed that. If anything, I'm better off now. Maybe that's the reason though...I'm not use to having things go my way. Not use to things working out without a hitch. You spend 5 years in the Army, you end up getting use to getting the short end of the stick. The shit gets pilled on, and you take it. No, you don't just take it, you eat it up. You make it your own and you're proud of it. And now that things aren't that way, it's hard for me to be who I was. The person who I thought I wanted to be...the person I liked. I think that since I've realized this now, it'll be easier to revert back. Because it's not that big a difference, and probably unnoticeable to others, but I know. And I care. And I want to be that person again....so I slow down.
Maybe once I catch up, I won't continue running. Maybe I'll be able to just stop. Not completely, but stop running the race. Cut off the path into the woods, explore. Discover things I never knew existed there. Things I wouldn’t have expected, nor would I have ever seen running full speed. Or even at jogging speed. I know what I want in life, and it doesn’t involve being tired when I reach the end of it. Far too many people end up that way...or end up never making it to the end. This world we live in doesn’t have to be so black and white. I know of things I want to see...and dream of things that I haven’t yet thought of. The choices I make aren't life or death...but purely living. And I chose to live; now I just have to start living the way I want to again...only this time, without getting ahead of myself.
I realize this is rather long, and rambling, and pretty much pointless to share with anyone but myself. I try and capture the beauty and story of life in photos, or write stories or poems, and this is as much of an outlet. A forum allowing people to see the way I think...and hopefully not be terrified of it, even if it’s a little different.~
~Sometimes I feel as though I get ahead of myself. Not in the sense that I'm doing things quicker than I should be. But more in the sense of living outside of myself. Or the person I try to be. Things start happening, time starts ticking away, and the next thing I know...I'm just "doing" and not "living". It's really not a nice thing when you finally realize that you are. It's kind of like your mind is running a relay race with itself...but eventually you start to get going, and you run faster and faster and forget to look back...but when you finally do, you see that you left part of yourself, your relay partner, behind. And there is a great distance before it will catch up. Then you start to feel lonely, and look around. You suddenly realize that you're alone on a dark road, with woods on either side. And no matter how long it takes for you to catch up, there is that agony of the wait. That's kind of where I'm at right now I think. Standing alone, on the dark wooded path, tired and waiting.
I suppose the plus side would be that I did stop to look back. I think most people end up just running as fast as they can, forgetting the rest of them as they go. Never getting to finish, just running and running. Then if they do finally get to the end, they can't even see the rest of themselves. Lost far away in the dark, down the path. There was a time, not long ago in my life, in which I didn't even care to run. I walked along, enjoying the scenery. Even though I knew it was a race, I didn't really care to win it. I had what I needed along side me, as hindering as it was. But then it was gone...and it's been gone for months now. And I again find myself tired and out of breath, wondering if the race will be over, or if I still have countless miles to go. Gasping for air as the blood pounds in my head. Only to realize that I was getting away from myself. Not the person who was walking and not the person who was sprinting...but the jogger. The one with balance. The one who can still appreciate the beauty of the trail, but is also focused on winning the race. But as I said, I'm starting to slow down...and catch up.
I don't imagine it'll be as easy as it was before. Things are different now. Strange, and confusing. It seemed like it wouldn’t be, it was something I strived for. And yet, I still find myself lost and dazed most of the time. People talk of a comfort zone; well I'm miles away from mine. I haven’t felt this way...ever maybe. Or nothing like it I guess. I've been confused and lost before, but this time it's a little different. A little more "real" and that's the hardest part. I say things and do things that are "normal" to me, normal to my way of thinking, and it'd be considered different now. I've become far to wrapped up in caring where I fit, inside of just allowing myself to settle in. Caring too much of what others are saying or doing, and not focusing on what I’m saying and doing. I'm not use to having the time. The time to think...it's not something I enjoy. Or at least not when it's about things like this. I miss not having to worry about it. But then again, I HATED not caring. It's horrible either way I suppose.
Not long ago, I was generally happy with who I was. Maybe not WHERE I was, but who I was. Am I'm not really sure what changed that. If anything, I'm better off now. Maybe that's the reason though...I'm not use to having things go my way. Not use to things working out without a hitch. You spend 5 years in the Army, you end up getting use to getting the short end of the stick. The shit gets pilled on, and you take it. No, you don't just take it, you eat it up. You make it your own and you're proud of it. And now that things aren't that way, it's hard for me to be who I was. The person who I thought I wanted to be...the person I liked. I think that since I've realized this now, it'll be easier to revert back. Because it's not that big a difference, and probably unnoticeable to others, but I know. And I care. And I want to be that person again....so I slow down.
Maybe once I catch up, I won't continue running. Maybe I'll be able to just stop. Not completely, but stop running the race. Cut off the path into the woods, explore. Discover things I never knew existed there. Things I wouldn’t have expected, nor would I have ever seen running full speed. Or even at jogging speed. I know what I want in life, and it doesn’t involve being tired when I reach the end of it. Far too many people end up that way...or end up never making it to the end. This world we live in doesn’t have to be so black and white. I know of things I want to see...and dream of things that I haven’t yet thought of. The choices I make aren't life or death...but purely living. And I chose to live; now I just have to start living the way I want to again...only this time, without getting ahead of myself.
I realize this is rather long, and rambling, and pretty much pointless to share with anyone but myself. I try and capture the beauty and story of life in photos, or write stories or poems, and this is as much of an outlet. A forum allowing people to see the way I think...and hopefully not be terrified of it, even if it’s a little different.~
