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Post by Scorpina on Jul 2, 2010 11:28:41 GMT -5
I have to agree with Doctor Cox to some extent, but I'd at that a lot of relationships just aren't worth the hard work and struggle that it would take to make them keep going. Often times, relationships end because it's better for both peolpe that they do, since they'll both - ultimately - be happier.
Or maybe I'm just bitter and single.
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Post by quantum on Jul 2, 2010 12:04:12 GMT -5
I would say there are a lot of reasons and depending on the people involved in the relationship however the main reasons are lack of communication, lack of taking responsibility in the relationship ( for example blaming everything on the partner or saying the partner has to do or act in such and such a way for you to be happy which is linked to insecurities also) lack of respect (which ties in with my last point). Lack of understanding your parent or the opposite sex in general (which can get really in depth and detailed) and is one of the biggest contributing factors (this is where the 'women are crazy' or ;'men are pigs' mindset comes form a lack of the opposite sex understanding each other). Iam in a happy relationship and have been for two and a half years now. Also on a side note saying 'boredom' as a factor really means that the two people are not making an effort and no longer want to be ion the relationship for the above reasons and other reasons relationships just break down and people sometimes grow apart and go their separate ways. However they are always reasons whether he p[eople in the relationship relize it or not.
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Desi
Dennis Stamp
Do Not Approve
Posts: 4,520
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Post by Desi on Jul 2, 2010 12:20:46 GMT -5
Coming from someone who has never been in a relationship bu has dealt with many of her friends' problems in this category, the biggest issue I see (especially if the people involved started dating young) is that people grow up and in turn, they grow apart. I see this a lot with Highschool sweethearts who are afriad to let go becuase they wan the same person they date in highshool when that rarely happens once they become adults and realize what they truly want in and out of a relationship.
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domrep
Hank Scorpio
Posts: 7,461
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Post by domrep on Jul 2, 2010 13:56:47 GMT -5
I would say there are a lot of reasons and depending on the people involved in the relationship however the main reasons are lack of communication, lack of taking responsibility in the relationship ( for example blaming everything on the partner or saying the partner has to do or act in such and such a way for you to be happy which is linked to insecurities also) lack of respect (which ties in with my last point). Lack of understanding your parent or the opposite sex in general (which can get really in depth and detailed) and is one of the biggest contributing factors (this is where the 'women are crazy' or ;'men are pigs' mindset comes form a lack of the opposite sex understanding each other). Iam in a happy relationship and have been for two and a half years now. Also on a side note saying 'boredom' as a factor really means that the two people are not making an effort and no longer want to be ion the relationship for the above reasons and other reasons relationships just break down and people sometimes grow apart and go their separate ways. However they are always reasons whether he p[eople in the relationship relize it or not. My definition of boredom, is just that, its boring. There's no excitement, you know what your significant other is going to be doing at a cetain time of the day. Everything is status quo. Everyday is the same. You're too comfortable in your relationship. Your relationship is just...blah.
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Post by Ultimo Chocula on Jul 2, 2010 14:01:20 GMT -5
I would say there are a lot of reasons and depending on the people involved in the relationship however the main reasons are lack of communication, lack of taking responsibility in the relationship ( for example blaming everything on the partner or saying the partner has to do or act in such and such a way for you to be happy which is linked to insecurities also) lack of respect (which ties in with my last point). Lack of understanding your parent or the opposite sex in general (which can get really in depth and detailed) and is one of the biggest contributing factors (this is where the 'women are crazy' or ;'men are pigs' mindset comes form a lack of the opposite sex understanding each other). Iam in a happy relationship and have been for two and a half years now. Also on a side note saying 'boredom' as a factor really means that the two people are not making an effort and no longer want to be ion the relationship for the above reasons and other reasons relationships just break down and people sometimes grow apart and go their separate ways. However they are always reasons whether he p[eople in the relationship relize it or not. My definition of boredom, is just that, its boring. There's no excitement, you know what your significant other is going to be doing at a cetain time of the day. Everything is status quo. Everyday is the same. You're too comfortable in your relationship. Your relationship is just...blah. Every relationship, even the story book romances, will eventually become routine. It's unavoidable. The trick is finding the person who not only puts up with your routine and also has one of their own that doesn't bother you. If you're dating a girl who you're really into right now and she's got a habit that's annoying but you'll put up with it for now, this will become a MAJOR issue down the road when some of her sparkle has dimmed.
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Post by Koda, Master Crunchyroller on Jul 2, 2010 14:05:14 GMT -5
I honestly think it is because humans are NOT monogamous creatures. There is a reason we find sex to be pleasurable. We are horny creatures that instinctively want to bone everything in sight as such, it makes it REALLY hard for us to stay in a single relationship for any length of time. Pretty much, once the sex stops or it gets dull, that's when relationships usually get strained, at least in my opinion. Of course, since almost no two people have the same sex drives, when the sex gets boring for one side of the relationship doesn't mean it gets boring for the other side.
And it is probably why so many humans cheat, they want a new sexual experience(notice how most cheaters only do it for the sex?). That's it.
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Tapout
Hank Scorpio
WWE Creative(TM)
W.W.W.Y.K.I.
Posts: 6,919
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Post by Tapout on Jul 2, 2010 15:16:45 GMT -5
There are some very simplistic answers here and while there's some truth to some of them, you can't just boil it down to "lack of communication" or "getting bored" or "need more sex" (this last one, by the way, is a very male-centric problem. Even though there are more women these days than ever discovering the joy of sex, sex still largely isn't as important to many women as it is to many men).
"Lack of communication" is what we think we thought we heard from the one self-help guru on PBS who wrote a book about something, and keep repeating to each other. The real problem with bad relationships isn't that people have "bad communication," it's that they have unaddressed needs that they don't communicate. I'll return to this point in a bit.
"Getting bored with the relationship" is getting close to the real issues. The larger issue with "getting bored" that 99% of all long-term couples never actually understand about themselves is WHY they end up bored. Specifically, when two people first start dating, they dress up in nice clothes and try very hard to impress one another by being funny, looking nice, and even getting physically intimate. Years later, after they've moved in with each other or even gotten married, they've settled into a "boring" routine...where they no longer do any of the exciting, impressive things that first got them to start liking each other. The reason relationships become "boring" isn't because "that's just how it is," but because the people themselves become boring and stop doing any of the magical, exciting stuff that first attracted them to each other.
Lack of maturity can be an issue, especially with younger people. The one I hear guys bitching about most on these forums is being in the "friend zone," where young guys act like (or think they're acting like) the "nice guys" to some girl they like, while the girl goes off and dates abusive jackoffs instead. Part of this may be a maturity thing on the part of the young lady responding to primal, caveman-era behavior patterning that states that unattainable males probably have better genetics than easily-attainable males, and are more-desirable mates, part of it is a maturity thing on the part of the spineless young man who sits there and pines for the girl but doesn't have the guts or the cojones to man up enough to either tell the girl how he feels, or go out and find another girl who will actually be interested in him "that way."
The larger reason that couples have problems longer-term is that people have individual needs that need to be satisfied, and in long-term relationships, their partners tend to forget about those needs. Sex is the most obvious example for men, and the reason why many men cheat on their wives/longtime girlfriends for some side-nookie is that they aren't getting enough at home--they NEED more and find it elsewhere. In the case of women, many women NEED things like the ability to have meaningful conversations (as well as small talk), or the ability to receive warmth and affection, and when they don't get these things from cold, indifferent husbands who prefer to sit their asses on the couch watching TV, they go outside of the relationship to find what they NEED.
Regarding the importance of "communication," yes, it's important for couples to communicate their inherent needs to their partners so that the partners can do their best to consistently satisfy those needs. Unfortunately, society doesn't teach people from birth to clearly communicate such intimate needs, so many people are at a loss to try to talk about them, and in some cases, in certain societies or households, people grow up in such a repressive environment that they don't, or can't, easily articulate their needs and in some cases, may not even be fully aware of them. In these cases, yes, communication is important to get at the heart of the problem, but the real heart of the problem is the unfulfilled needs themselves.
The way to get at those unfulfilled needs and truly come to know your partner is to provide a safe, non-judgemental environment where these things can be discussed, and lots and lots of patience, realizing that you won't always agree with everything your partner says (particularly with regard to how what you do and say fails to meet their needs), and also that your partner may not volunteer all this information immediately in one single, convenient 15-minute session that fits into your schedule.
Relationships aren't simple things and they can't be fixed with a set of tools or in a single day. It takes, among other things, time, patience, a willingness to work on being a better person for your partner, a willingness to look within yourself to identify what it is that YOU need for yourself, and ultimately, a common thread between the two of you, understanding that in order to be have a truly harmonious relationship, you need to find someone whose needs YOU can fulfill, and who can also fulfill YOUR needs.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2010 15:39:27 GMT -5
There are some very simplistic answers here and while there's some truth to some of them, you can't just boil it down to "lack of communication" or "getting bored" or "need more sex" (this last one, by the way, is a very male-centric problem. Even though there are more women these days than ever discovering the joy of sex, sex still largely isn't as important to many women as it is to many men). "Lack of communication" is what we think we thought we heard from the one self-help guru on PBS who wrote a book about something, and keep repeating to each other. The real problem with bad relationships isn't that people have "bad communication," it's that they have unaddressed needs that they don't communicate. I'll return to this point in a bit. "Getting bored with the relationship" is getting close to the real issues. The larger issue with "getting bored" that 99% of all long-term couples never actually understand about themselves is WHY they end up bored. Specifically, when two people first start dating, they dress up in nice clothes and try very hard to impress one another by being funny, looking nice, and even getting physically intimate. Years later, after they've moved in with each other or even gotten married, they've settled into a "boring" routine...where they no longer do any of the exciting, impressive things that first got them to start liking each other. The reason relationships become "boring" isn't because "that's just how it is," but because the people themselves become boring and stop doing any of the magical, exciting stuff that first attracted them to each other. Lack of maturity can be an issue, especially with younger people. The one I hear guys bitching about most on these forums is being in the "friend zone," where young guys act like (or think they're acting like) the "nice guys" to some girl they like, while the girl goes off and dates abusive jackoffs instead. Part of this may be a maturity thing on the part of the young lady responding to primal, caveman-era behavior patterning that states that unattainable males probably have better genetics than easily-attainable males, and are more-desirable mates, part of it is a maturity thing on the part of the spineless young man who sits there and pines for the girl but doesn't have the guts or the cojones to man up enough to either tell the girl how he feels, or go out and find another girl who will actually be interested in him "that way." The larger reason that couples have problems longer-term is that people have individual needs that need to be satisfied, and in long-term relationships, their partners tend to forget about those needs. Sex is the most obvious example for men, and the reason why many men cheat on their wives/longtime girlfriends for some side-nookie is that they aren't getting enough at home--they NEED more and find it elsewhere. In the case of women, many women NEED things like the ability to have meaningful conversations (as well as small talk), or the ability to receive warmth and affection, and when they don't get these things from cold, indifferent husbands who prefer to sit their asses on the couch watching TV, they go outside of the relationship to find what they NEED. Regarding the importance of "communication," yes, it's important for couples to communicate their inherent needs to their partners so that the partners can do their best to consistently satisfy those needs. Unfortunately, society doesn't teach people from birth to clearly communicate such intimate needs, so many people are at a loss to try to talk about them, and in some cases, in certain societies or households, people grow up in such a repressive environment that they don't, or can't, easily articulate their needs and in some cases, may not even be fully aware of them. In these cases, yes, communication is important to get at the heart of the problem, but the real heart of the problem is the unfulfilled needs themselves. The way to get at those unfulfilled needs and truly come to know your partner is to provide a safe, non-judgemental environment where these things can be discussed, and lots and lots of patience, realizing that you won't always agree with everything your partner says (particularly with regard to how what you do and say fails to meet their needs), and also that your partner may not volunteer all this information immediately in one single, convenient 15-minute session that fits into your schedule. Relationships aren't simple things and they can't be fixed with a set of tools or in a single day. It takes, among other things, time, patience, a willingness to work on being a better person for your partner, a willingness to look within yourself to identify what it is that YOU need for yourself, and ultimately, a common thread between the two of you, understanding that in order to be have a truly harmonious relationship, you need to find someone whose needs YOU can fulfill, and who can also fulfill YOUR needs. /thread 100 internets. All that good stuff.
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Chainsaw
T
A very BAD man.
It is what it is
Posts: 90,480
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Post by Chainsaw on Jul 2, 2010 21:25:53 GMT -5
Simple. People, as a whole, should not spend gigantic amounts of time with each other, especially in this day and age.
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Post by strykerdarksilence on Jul 2, 2010 21:40:05 GMT -5
People don't think hard enough about whether they actually want a relationship beforehand, so they are immediately fighting a losing battle, and when in a relationship, don't work at it.
Being in a relationship is not always fun and games. People screw up, they annoy each other. They have a bad day at work and bring the bad mood home with them. It happens to EVERYBODY, but for a lot of people when they hit these kinds of problems, they give up, they allow fights to escalate, they don't resolve problems when they're small and manageable. Molehills become mountains. If they work at it initially, make sure, as has already been mentioned very coherently and clearly, they talk about things, they allow each other in and work at overcoming these problems together, the bond isn't broken.
Also, and this is something I have seen with the relationship of a good friend recently, some people are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too immature to be in any sort of a relationship.
And in a second look at the thread, everything I said has already been said in much more detail and with greater eloquence by Tapout and quantum.
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Jul 2, 2010 23:39:02 GMT -5
I bet some relationships fail because the guy develops and unhealthy obsession with butterscotch pudding. Not many I'm sure but some.
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Reg the Veg
AC Slater
I SPIT ON YOUR CAPSLOCK... despite using it just then.
Posts: 205
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Post by Reg the Veg on Jul 3, 2010 8:38:55 GMT -5
because anyone who says "love is never having to say you're sorry" is a bloody moron, that's why.
love, and creating a successful relationship, is about saying sorry every day, and always having the other person accepting your apology, because for all the negatives, you both think that the other person has a million positives, so the bad things just aren't worth getting bothered about.
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Post by HMARK Center on Jul 3, 2010 13:13:23 GMT -5
I think in a large number of cases it's an overarching issue stemming around selfishness, even if you don't immediately view it as that.
Unrealistic demands of partners, wanting things to be "storybook perfect", expectations that were never realistic, sexism, laziness, etc.
A big one, however, especially among teens to 20-somethings, seems to be a desire to have a relationship simply for the sake of having one.
It's sort of like a less extreme example of having a baby because you're jealous of another couple that had one; you want to post a bunch of happy kissy pictures on Facebook, to have somebody you can call up and say "I'm going here Friday night, come with me", somebody you can unload all your issues on without remorse...basically, a bunch of selfish reasons that don't add up to "because I have genuine affection for this person".
People end up settling, or wind up hitching themselves to the first person who strikes their fancy, tenaciously clinging to the relationship even if it's incredibly unhealthy, until it reaches critical mass and can't sustain itself.
Now, some relationships are started off of a foundation of "we're not in this seriously, but let's see where it goes", which is fine. Not every relationship has to be a quest to discover your future spouse, and some "casual" relationships end up growing into something deeper, since you (ideally, at least) force less expectations on it.
Love is too complex for selfish thoughts like that, though. A big part of love is a willingness to apologize for and work towards mending your own faults, and forgiving and working towards mending those of your partner, or being willing to say "you're not perfect, but that's ok" in other cases. Obviously there can be differences that are simply too big to overcome and work with, but I'm talking about the "small stuff", the things that seem to add on and drag down a relationship more than any one larger, deciding factor.
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Post by A Dubya (El Hombre Muerto) on Jul 3, 2010 14:16:15 GMT -5
I think the biggest underlying problem is that people marry/date the wrong people. A lot of people just don't want to be alone so they'll take anyone who wants them despite the fact that their morals, interests, lifestyles, etc. do not mesh. You don't have to be exact clones of each other, but you do have to be on the same wavelength. You can also be very different from each other, but only if you both accept the fact that the other will probably NEVER change, not matter how long you are together. Another problem is that people who are casually dating get pregnant and rush into marriage for the sake of the kids. While this is a very noble intention, it doesn't always work out in the long run. You can still be two good, but separate parents if that's what the situation calls for. As for why people who should be good matches with each other have problems, I'd have to go with the aforementioned communication issue. I agree. I think these are factors that are the most prevalent. From my experiences, I'd say lack of communication, insecurity, and rushing into stuff, sometimes without considering all the possibilities. Then before you know it, you're tired of each other. One other thing is being committed to the other person. It has to be equal. I have dated women who have a hard time giving back. It's gotta be a 50/50 deal. You can't expect me to give you 60% and then only give me 40% in return. Long distance relationships are almost impossible too. I always hear that there is somebody for everybody, but it seems like everyone I'm ever involved with seriously always ends up living far away from me, and it never works out.
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Post by "Playboy" Don Douglas on Jul 3, 2010 14:27:29 GMT -5
To quote James E. Cornette, who was talking about something completely different:
"A myriad of problems that will bum out this entire room if we go into them. So to answer your question: please cheer the f*** up."
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Post by who throws a shoe?! on Jul 3, 2010 20:39:13 GMT -5
To quote James E. Cornette, who was talking about something completely different: "A myriad of problems that will bum out this entire room if we go into them. So to answer your question: please cheer the f*** up." As if Cornette's got any right to tell anyone to cheer up!
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Jay Peas 42
El Dandy
Totally flips out ALL the time.
Is looking forward to a Nation of Domination Kwannza Special.
Posts: 8,329
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Post by Jay Peas 42 on Jul 3, 2010 21:30:36 GMT -5
Because it's etched in stone. [\Taskmaster]
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Post by Kris Kobain on Jul 4, 2010 1:00:53 GMT -5
Paranoia
"What are you doing when I'm not around. Who are you with? Is she/he cheating? Do you really love me? You've been quiet lately what's wrong? Why didn't you call? Why did you say you were going to talk to me on Yahoo tonight yet you've only said two things? Is someone there with you? Are you lying to me? How come you didn't say goodnight last night?"
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Post by Wolf Hawkfield no1 NZ poster on Jul 4, 2010 1:44:42 GMT -5
Guys who have the misguided idea that acting like an arsehole will make them irresistible to opposite sex tend to have very short relationships.
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Post by Scorpina on Jul 4, 2010 7:27:58 GMT -5
Guys who have the misguided idea that acting like an arsehole will make them irresistible to opposite sex tend to have very short relationships. But a lot of them, since it does make them attractive to stupid women.
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