Post by angryfan on Jun 26, 2006 0:25:56 GMT -5
(Scene opens with Trips and Flair watching TV on their day off)
HHH: (flipping through the channels) There is never anything on TV anymore.
Flair: Woooooooo!
(HHH stops on a shopping network, where Don West, AJ Styles, and Christopher Daniels are showing off sports memorobelia)
Don: THIS IS UN-BE-LEIVABLE! A GEM MINT 10! GEM MINT! UNBELIEVABLE!
Daniels: (whispering) Uh, Don, we haven’t actually got anything on display yet.
Don: I’M WARMING UP!
Daniels: I…see. (he backs away) Well, ladies and gentlemen, our first product of the evening is an autographed bat signed by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
AJ: How much does it cost?
Daniels: We’re offering it for just three easy payments of $29.95, available on Flex Pay.
Don: (running back and forth in the background, still yelling) FLEX PAY! GEM MINT TEN! HOW DO WE DO THAT! UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
AJ: (trying to ignore Don, still speaking in a monotone voice) That’s a real bargain, folks. Our prices are (he poses) simply phenomenal.
Daniels: And remember, my prices aren’t just a guarantee, folks, they’re gospel. We’ve got Steve from Orlando on line one. Steve, how are you this morning?
Steve: (says nothing)
Daniels: Steve? You there?
Steve: Baseball bats. Are they sturdy?
Don: (still running back and forth) UNBELEIVABLY STURDY! GEM MINT TEN! GIM MINT TEN! WOW!
Daneils: Uh…AJ would you demonstrate how sturdy the bat is, please?
AJ: You sure about this?
Daniels: (whispering) Yes, just please shut him up.
AJ: (walks over to Don West, and lets him run past several times) Don?
Don: AUTOGRAPHS! ROOKIE CARDS! BARGAINS! UNBELIEVABLE BARGAINS! WOW!
(AJ hits Don with the bat, knocking him down)
Don: IN THE FACE! IN THE FACE! GRADED, ONLY A 9! OW!
(AJ hits him several more times with the bat, knocking him unconscious, then returns and hands the bat to Daniels)
Daniels: See? Not a mark, and the autographs aren’t even smudged.
Steve: I’ll take 40.
(HHH hits the channel button on the remote and begins to surf again)
HHH: I don’t know why anyone buys stuff off those channels.
Flair: Wooooooooooo!
HHH: Really? What did you buy?
Flair: Wooooooooooo! (he goes to the coat closet and returns with a robe that looks like a Matthew Lesko jacket)
HHH: Why in the hell would you buy that thing?
Flair: Woooooooooooooo!
HHH: I understand impulse buying, but damn, man, that’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.
Flair: Wooooooooooo!
HHH: Well, ok, so it’s nicer than Nicole Bass, you got me there.
(the channel scan stops on a cooking show, and Trips and Flair turn to watch)
Emerill: Today, we’re making Crab and Shrimp Bisque. What we’ll do is just let it simmer a bit, and add some spices. (he drops some spices in the broth) BAM!
Albert: (popping up behind the counter) BLARG!
Emerill: BAM!
Albert: BLARG!
(Trips hits the channel search button quickly. It stops on what appears to be a rowing competition between Team Canada, random members of the X-divison, and AMW, with Mike Tenay announcing)
Tenay: This storied rivalry in rowing between the Ivy league schools goes all the way back to 1896 with James “Spoons” McGee lead Yale to a victory over Harvard at the first Clash of the Rowing Champions. Today’s contest has its intrigue as the teams know each other very well.
(Team Canada with D’Amore calling the strokes, is in a sizable lead when Jeff Jarrett pops out of the waterand smashes D’Amore over the head with the guitar)
Jeff: Listen up, Canadian Slapnuts, I’ve got all the stroke around here!
Eric Young: (looking terrifed) But there’s more than one of us.
Jeff: So?
Eric: I thought one person was Slapnuts, so wouldn’t we all be Slapnutses or something?
Jeff: Don’t make me sic Abyss on you.
Eric: (hiding) Sorry.
(the X-division boat is making head-way, when Nash and Shelley ride up on Jet Skis and tip the boat over)
Nash: This is why I’m better than the X-divison! I’m still above water!
Shelley: (filming the whole thing) That’s right! And that’s why I’m with you! I like being above water.
(the AMW boat still has not moved, as both members are completely hammered. The boat is filled with empty bear bottles. Team 3D swims up, jumps in the boat, and 3D’s Storm on the bottles, and go for a cover. A ref pops out and makes a three count)
Brother Ray: Yes! 19 time tag champs!
Devon: Testify!
(at that moment, Team Canada rows up, jumps in and knock out Team 3D with hockey sticks, rolling Storm on top of Brother Ray. The ref, who had been clearing water from his eyes, sees this and hands the tag belts to AMW)
Tenay: Looks like AMW retain their titles!
Devon and Brother Ray: DAMN IT!
HHH: (hitting channel search again) I hate rowing, it makes no sense.
Flair: Woooooooooo!
(the search stops on an interview show. A very nervous looking John Stossel is sitting in a chair)
Stossel: (looking around) My guest at this time is (gulp) professional wrestler Scott Steiner.
Steiner: (walking out wearing his chain mail head dress and a suit) Pay attention Stossel. I’m the big bad booty daddy, and a freak! I have the largest arms in the world!
Stossel: (not looking at Steiner, shaking) Welcome, Mr Steiner, uh, our topic for today is the oil industry. Would you care to comment?
Steiner: I’ll kick anybody’s ass! Don’t you know who I am? You think I’m afraid of Kuwait? You think the UAE scares me?
Stossel: I never suggested anything of the sort, Mr Steiner. Please don’t kill me.
Steiner: I told you, I’m going to kill someone, high gas prices make me want to SNAAAAAAAAAAAP! Look at me when I’m talking to you!
Stossel: (making eye contact) How do you suggest we lower gas prices?
Steiner: Are you eye balling me, boy? Are you? Answer me!
Stossel: But you said –
(he is cut off when Steiner begins pummeling him. Steiner stops and takes his seat again, taking a drink of water)
Steiner: I feel that if we take that approach, oil prices will have no choice but to decrease significantly.
Stossel: (shaking and bleeding) I see, thank you for your thoughts.
Dr D: (popping in from off camera) You ok there?
Stosse: You? Oh God, no.
Dr D: Still think it’s fake?
Stossel: What answer won’t get me hurt?
Dr D: You’re taking too long! (he begins to stomp Stossel mercilessly)
(Trips hits the power button, turning off the set)
HHH: I gotta do something, I’m bored.
Flair: Woooooooooo!
(the two leave the house as scene ends)
HHH: (flipping through the channels) There is never anything on TV anymore.
Flair: Woooooooo!
(HHH stops on a shopping network, where Don West, AJ Styles, and Christopher Daniels are showing off sports memorobelia)
Don: THIS IS UN-BE-LEIVABLE! A GEM MINT 10! GEM MINT! UNBELIEVABLE!
Daniels: (whispering) Uh, Don, we haven’t actually got anything on display yet.
Don: I’M WARMING UP!
Daniels: I…see. (he backs away) Well, ladies and gentlemen, our first product of the evening is an autographed bat signed by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
AJ: How much does it cost?
Daniels: We’re offering it for just three easy payments of $29.95, available on Flex Pay.
Don: (running back and forth in the background, still yelling) FLEX PAY! GEM MINT TEN! HOW DO WE DO THAT! UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
AJ: (trying to ignore Don, still speaking in a monotone voice) That’s a real bargain, folks. Our prices are (he poses) simply phenomenal.
Daniels: And remember, my prices aren’t just a guarantee, folks, they’re gospel. We’ve got Steve from Orlando on line one. Steve, how are you this morning?
Steve: (says nothing)
Daniels: Steve? You there?
Steve: Baseball bats. Are they sturdy?
Don: (still running back and forth) UNBELEIVABLY STURDY! GEM MINT TEN! GIM MINT TEN! WOW!
Daneils: Uh…AJ would you demonstrate how sturdy the bat is, please?
AJ: You sure about this?
Daniels: (whispering) Yes, just please shut him up.
AJ: (walks over to Don West, and lets him run past several times) Don?
Don: AUTOGRAPHS! ROOKIE CARDS! BARGAINS! UNBELIEVABLE BARGAINS! WOW!
(AJ hits Don with the bat, knocking him down)
Don: IN THE FACE! IN THE FACE! GRADED, ONLY A 9! OW!
(AJ hits him several more times with the bat, knocking him unconscious, then returns and hands the bat to Daniels)
Daniels: See? Not a mark, and the autographs aren’t even smudged.
Steve: I’ll take 40.
(HHH hits the channel button on the remote and begins to surf again)
HHH: I don’t know why anyone buys stuff off those channels.
Flair: Wooooooooooo!
HHH: Really? What did you buy?
Flair: Wooooooooooo! (he goes to the coat closet and returns with a robe that looks like a Matthew Lesko jacket)
HHH: Why in the hell would you buy that thing?
Flair: Woooooooooooooo!
HHH: I understand impulse buying, but damn, man, that’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.
Flair: Wooooooooooo!
HHH: Well, ok, so it’s nicer than Nicole Bass, you got me there.
(the channel scan stops on a cooking show, and Trips and Flair turn to watch)
Emerill: Today, we’re making Crab and Shrimp Bisque. What we’ll do is just let it simmer a bit, and add some spices. (he drops some spices in the broth) BAM!
Albert: (popping up behind the counter) BLARG!
Emerill: BAM!
Albert: BLARG!
(Trips hits the channel search button quickly. It stops on what appears to be a rowing competition between Team Canada, random members of the X-divison, and AMW, with Mike Tenay announcing)
Tenay: This storied rivalry in rowing between the Ivy league schools goes all the way back to 1896 with James “Spoons” McGee lead Yale to a victory over Harvard at the first Clash of the Rowing Champions. Today’s contest has its intrigue as the teams know each other very well.
(Team Canada with D’Amore calling the strokes, is in a sizable lead when Jeff Jarrett pops out of the waterand smashes D’Amore over the head with the guitar)
Jeff: Listen up, Canadian Slapnuts, I’ve got all the stroke around here!
Eric Young: (looking terrifed) But there’s more than one of us.
Jeff: So?
Eric: I thought one person was Slapnuts, so wouldn’t we all be Slapnutses or something?
Jeff: Don’t make me sic Abyss on you.
Eric: (hiding) Sorry.
(the X-division boat is making head-way, when Nash and Shelley ride up on Jet Skis and tip the boat over)
Nash: This is why I’m better than the X-divison! I’m still above water!
Shelley: (filming the whole thing) That’s right! And that’s why I’m with you! I like being above water.
(the AMW boat still has not moved, as both members are completely hammered. The boat is filled with empty bear bottles. Team 3D swims up, jumps in the boat, and 3D’s Storm on the bottles, and go for a cover. A ref pops out and makes a three count)
Brother Ray: Yes! 19 time tag champs!
Devon: Testify!
(at that moment, Team Canada rows up, jumps in and knock out Team 3D with hockey sticks, rolling Storm on top of Brother Ray. The ref, who had been clearing water from his eyes, sees this and hands the tag belts to AMW)
Tenay: Looks like AMW retain their titles!
Devon and Brother Ray: DAMN IT!
HHH: (hitting channel search again) I hate rowing, it makes no sense.
Flair: Woooooooooo!
(the search stops on an interview show. A very nervous looking John Stossel is sitting in a chair)
Stossel: (looking around) My guest at this time is (gulp) professional wrestler Scott Steiner.
Steiner: (walking out wearing his chain mail head dress and a suit) Pay attention Stossel. I’m the big bad booty daddy, and a freak! I have the largest arms in the world!
Stossel: (not looking at Steiner, shaking) Welcome, Mr Steiner, uh, our topic for today is the oil industry. Would you care to comment?
Steiner: I’ll kick anybody’s ass! Don’t you know who I am? You think I’m afraid of Kuwait? You think the UAE scares me?
Stossel: I never suggested anything of the sort, Mr Steiner. Please don’t kill me.
Steiner: I told you, I’m going to kill someone, high gas prices make me want to SNAAAAAAAAAAAP! Look at me when I’m talking to you!
Stossel: (making eye contact) How do you suggest we lower gas prices?
Steiner: Are you eye balling me, boy? Are you? Answer me!
Stossel: But you said –
(he is cut off when Steiner begins pummeling him. Steiner stops and takes his seat again, taking a drink of water)
Steiner: I feel that if we take that approach, oil prices will have no choice but to decrease significantly.
Stossel: (shaking and bleeding) I see, thank you for your thoughts.
Dr D: (popping in from off camera) You ok there?
Stosse: You? Oh God, no.
Dr D: Still think it’s fake?
Stossel: What answer won’t get me hurt?
Dr D: You’re taking too long! (he begins to stomp Stossel mercilessly)
(Trips hits the power button, turning off the set)
HHH: I gotta do something, I’m bored.
Flair: Woooooooooo!
(the two leave the house as scene ends)
