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Post by Back to being Cenanuff on Jan 24, 2011 12:11:30 GMT -5
My ex told me the other day that she's waiting for some test results to get back, but she may have cancer. She didn't expand on it, but from conversations I've had with her over the years, she's had a doctor tell her that she's well on the way to having liver cancer, which is a particularly nasty kind. I'm kinda of two minds on this:
1. She's just making this crap up. She has a history of being a hypochondriac, and adopting other people's maladies. In fact, most family reunions are games of "who's got the worst thing wrong with them". Combine this with the fact that she's been spending more time with her aunt, who legit has cancer, and you can see where I'm coming from.
2. She's actually got cancer, which would suck. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Don't get me wrong. I've been looking forward to the day when I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore, but I didn't want it to happen this way.
Now, if she does have cancer, it's going to be a question of how long should she still see our son. If it is in fact liver cancer, we're looking at a relatively short time before she's bedridden, and once that happens, not only will she not be able to take care of the boy, but it could be emotionally scarring for a 5 year old to see his mother this way all the time.
Also, I'd want the boy to know all his family, which means I'd have to go with him to his mother's family gatherings...at least Christmas, anyway. Would be awkward, to say the least.
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Post by maxheadroom on Jan 24, 2011 12:15:33 GMT -5
Dude, imagine how badly it would tear apart to not be able to see her son as she's dying. Emotionally scarring or not
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Post by maxheadroom on Jan 24, 2011 12:16:18 GMT -5
I also think the last thing you want to do is accuse someone of faking cancer. Wow.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2011 12:17:54 GMT -5
You have to let her see her son. Unless she's an absolute monster. I'd die a lot sooner if I knew I was dying and couldn't see my son. Let him see is mother and have a memory of her. It's the right thing to do.
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Post by Back to being Cenanuff on Jan 24, 2011 12:19:27 GMT -5
Dude, imagine how badly it would tear apart to not be able to see her son as she's dying. Emotionally scarring or not I have, but it's the child that's important here, not her, not me. Besides, it would be different if she was local, and we could just pop in and see her. She lives 100 miles away.
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Post by maxheadroom on Jan 24, 2011 12:22:51 GMT -5
Something seems so cold and emotionless about your posts about this. You gotta let whatever bullshit happened in the past stay in the past. If she has cancer and is dying, this just isn't the kind of attitude you should have. Like, in a paragraph later you're thinking about how awkward Christmas would be..I just think that's the farthest thing you should think about at this point
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Post by Back to being Cenanuff on Jan 24, 2011 12:29:50 GMT -5
This isn't about what happened between me and her. She's a nutjob, and her particular brand of it (Bipolar + Borderline Personality) involves narcissistic, self-seeking, manipulative behavior. That's what makes it not only possible, but a distinct probability, that she's making this up. She has lived her life allowing everyone to think she is helpless, because it's easier than doing things for herself. I have a hard enough time sending our son to see her, because he learns these behaviors from her, and I have to essentially retrain him when he comes home.
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Post by carter 15 on Jan 24, 2011 13:20:21 GMT -5
This isn't about what happened between me and her. She's a nutjob, and her particular brand of it (Bipolar + Borderline Personality) involves narcissistic, self-seeking, manipulative behavior. That's what makes it not only possible, but a distinct probability, that she's making this up. She has lived her life allowing everyone to think she is helpless, because it's easier than doing things for herself. I have a hard enough time sending our son to see her, because he learns these behaviors from her, and I have to essentially retrain him when he comes home. Despite saying it isn't what happened between you both, everything you said after that showed the exact otherwise.. If she does indeed have cancer, your probably going to have to show some compassion.
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kidglov3s
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
Wants her Shot
Who is Tiger Maskooo?
Posts: 15,870
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Post by kidglov3s on Jan 24, 2011 13:32:19 GMT -5
I was seven years old when my father died of cancer. I went with my mom and (at the time) fourteen year old brother to visit him in the hospital, welcome him home when he would come home between long periods at the hospital, but when he was dying I was sent to a friend's house and not told what was going on until he was dead. I was very upset, still am very upset, that I never had a chance to say goodbye to my father.
If she really is dying of cancer, then I would advise you to consider the impact of your child being excluded from things, as well that of being included.
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Post by Back to being Cenanuff on Jan 24, 2011 13:53:17 GMT -5
This isn't about what happened between me and her. She's a nutjob, and her particular brand of it (Bipolar + Borderline Personality) involves narcissistic, self-seeking, manipulative behavior. That's what makes it not only possible, but a distinct probability, that she's making this up. She has lived her life allowing everyone to think she is helpless, because it's easier than doing things for herself. I have a hard enough time sending our son to see her, because he learns these behaviors from her, and I have to essentially retrain him when he comes home. Despite saying it isn't what happened between you both, everything you said after that showed the exact otherwise.. If she does indeed have cancer, your probably going to have to show some compassion. How so? Her mental disorder is one of those types where you cannot give them an inch...in anything. Otherwise they'll exploit it. And the way she has lived her life is a textbook case of it. My concern here is our son, and how he's affected by it, especially if she does have cancer. He sees her two days a week, at her place...100 miles away. I worry enough as it is when he's with her, because she's pretty terrible at taking care of him. He's already a double kid, acting way under his age with her, and then age-appropriate with me. Look, you can think I'm a bad guy for wanting to pull back on visitation if she has cancer, but until you've been married to the monster like I was, don't tell me I'm wrong for wanting to take precautions.
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Post by Rococo on Jan 24, 2011 14:06:20 GMT -5
Unless she was an absolute monster, if she is not lying about her condition, you must allow her to see her child; cancer supersedes anything that may have happened between the two of you. I can understand your apprehension at allowing her to see him because she has this awful condition and yes, people are barely able to care for themselves, let alone a child but it is her son and if the condition worsens, she may only have a finite period of time in which to see him. Children are stronger than you believe; explaining cancer to children can be a very useful experience.
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Red Lion
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Posts: 4,002
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Post by Red Lion on Jan 24, 2011 14:09:08 GMT -5
This whole thread is cold.
I get what you're saying about your past, but if she has cancer, you should allow her to see your son. He's hers as much as he is yours regardless of how you feel about that.
Yes, it will be distressing for your child, but no child is brought up in a utopia (indeed, no child SHOULD be brought up in a utopia). Would you rather your child be distressed at the potential passing away of a parent, or risk long term resentment when about 18 years from now he asks you why he could never say goodbye?
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Post by maxheadroom on Jan 24, 2011 14:12:35 GMT -5
Despite saying it isn't what happened between you both, everything you said after that showed the exact otherwise.. If she does indeed have cancer, your probably going to have to show some compassion. How so? Her mental disorder is one of those types where you cannot give them an inch...in anything. Otherwise they'll exploit it. And the way she has lived her life is a textbook case of it. My concern here is our son, and how he's affected by it, especially if she does have cancer. He sees her two days a week, at her place...100 miles away. I worry enough as it is when he's with her, because she's pretty terrible at taking care of him. He's already a double kid, acting way under his age with her, and then age-appropriate with me. Look, you can think I'm a bad guy for wanting to pull back on visitation if she has cancer, but until you've been married to the monster like I was, don't tell me I'm wrong for wanting to take precautions. Well why post this on here then? We can't possibly know what she's like or what the situation is actually like, only what we can gather from your post, and to be honest you didn't come off in the best light here. If you were looking for sympathy for your side of the situation or for us to condemn this woman they were very misguided. If you were looking for actual advice it's right there: you're gonna have to put everything that happened in the past behind you. Period. If she is dying this isn't about your life being a living hell or your son acting differently when he is around her. This is now about a woman dying and her son being left without a mother. At that point you have to ask yourself how your son is going to feel knowing his mother is dead and he didn't even get to say goodbye? That's the kind of thing that will f*** somebody up for life.
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Post by OblivionSorceress on Jan 24, 2011 14:55:43 GMT -5
I think you all need to seriously calm down. No one here knows exactly what the situation is like so no one here has the right to judge. I've dealt with having a parent who has mental disorders and it is very difficult and not really easy for others to understand unless they have personal experiences with it. I had to be taken away from my dad when I was a little girl because his mental state wasn't safe. It was hard at first because I didn't understand why but later as I matured I understood. People with mental disorders can be compulsive liars so you never really know what is true. It would amaze some of you what they would lie about to get attention. My advise to you is to let her see your son but under your supervision if that's allowed.
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Post by i.Sarita.com on Jan 24, 2011 14:56:30 GMT -5
People with mental disabilities like bipolar disorder aren't nutjobs, btw. That's kind of offensive. She may be an awful human being and the relationship might have been horrible, but if she's clinically diagnosed with that and borderline personality disorder, it's pretty sucky to call her a nutjob.
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Post by maxheadroom on Jan 24, 2011 15:33:32 GMT -5
I think you all need to seriously calm down. No one here knows exactly what the situation is like so no one here has the right to judge. He is the one who brought the issue to a public forum and asked us what we thought. I mean, that's what I don't understand here. He brings his dirty laundry out and is very casual and cold about a very serious situation asking wrestling fans on a forum called the crap on how to handle this. Then when the answers aren't quite what he wanted he got upset. If he was looking for someone to nod along with him then get a puppy or something. It's dumb. If you post a topic saying Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis is the best game of all time you should expect someone to say that Donkey Kong is.
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Post by Rococo on Jan 24, 2011 15:50:21 GMT -5
I think you all need to seriously calm down. I've dealt with having a parent who has mental disorders and it is very difficult and not really easy for others to understand unless they have personal experiences with it. I had to be taken away from my dad when I was a little girl because his mental state wasn't safe. It was hard at first because I didn't understand why but later as I matured I understood. People with mental disorders can be compulsive liars so you never really know what is true. It would amaze some of you what they would lie about to get attention. My advise to you is to let her see your son but under your supervision if that's allowed. I have had experiences with persons who suffer from bi-polarity and/or a mental disorder. Yes, it can be difficult but it doesn't affect every person in the same manner. I think it is a little unfair to presume that she is lying about her condition purely because of a mental illness.
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Post by Back to being Cenanuff on Jan 24, 2011 15:53:12 GMT -5
People with mental disabilities like bipolar disorder aren't nutjobs, btw. That's kind of offensive. She may be an awful human being and the relationship might have been horrible, but if she's clinically diagnosed with that and borderline personality disorder, it's pretty sucky to call her a nutjob. I didn't say they were. I said she was. If that offends you, you need to grow a thicker skin, quite frankly.
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Post by Back to being Cenanuff on Jan 24, 2011 15:54:54 GMT -5
I think you all need to seriously calm down. I've dealt with having a parent who has mental disorders and it is very difficult and not really easy for others to understand unless they have personal experiences with it. I had to be taken away from my dad when I was a little girl because his mental state wasn't safe. It was hard at first because I didn't understand why but later as I matured I understood. People with mental disorders can be compulsive liars so you never really know what is true. It would amaze some of you what they would lie about to get attention. My advise to you is to let her see your son but under your supervision if that's allowed. I have had experiences with persons who suffer from bi-polarity and/or a mental disorder. Yes, it can be difficult but it doesn't affect every person in the same manner. I think it is a little unfair to presume that she is lying about her condition purely because of a mental illness. Here's the thing. It's not purely because of mental illness. It's a pattern of behavior that she has displayed.
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Post by Throwback on Jan 24, 2011 16:04:26 GMT -5
I'll tell you this much. If my father was the reason I didn't see my mother in her last days. As soon as I was old enough. I'd kick his in the face while he was sleeping.
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