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Post by Orange on Jan 24, 2011 16:07:46 GMT -5
My ex told me the other day that she's waiting for some test results to get back, but she may have cancer. She didn't expand on it, but from conversations I've had with her over the years, she's had a doctor tell her that she's well on the way to having liver cancer, which is a particularly nasty kind. I'm kinda of two minds on this: 1. She's just making this crap up. She has a history of being a hypochondriac, and adopting other people's maladies. In fact, most family reunions are games of "who's got the worst thing wrong with them". Combine this with the fact that she's been spending more time with her aunt, who legit has cancer, and you can see where I'm coming from. 2. She's actually got cancer, which would suck. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Don't get me wrong. I've been looking forward to the day when I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore, but I didn't want it to happen this way. Now, if she does have cancer, it's going to be a question of how long should she still see our son. If it is in fact liver cancer, we're looking at a relatively short time before she's bedridden, and once that happens, not only will she not be able to take care of the boy, but it could be emotionally scarring for a 5 year old to see his mother this way all the time. Also, I'd want the boy to know all his family, which means I'd have to go with him to his mother's family gatherings...at least Christmas, anyway. Would be awkward, to say the least. Look, I can't tell you how to live your life and how to make a parental decision like this. But if it were me (and again this is hard to say for sure because I'm not in your position) I'd let your son see her. Once she's gone she's gone, if this is a chance for him to see him before he can't for the rest of his life, I'd let him. Again it's not my decision to make, but that's what I think I'd do if I was in your shoes. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2011 18:22:10 GMT -5
If she is actually dying then you need to let her see her son. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. As a single father who doesn't always see eye to eye with the baby mama, I'd never keep her son from her unless she put him in danger. That doesn't sound like it's the case here. If she's lying then you'll find out real quick like. But who cares what happened in the past. Just let her see her son.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2011 18:23:05 GMT -5
Can I ask you a question? If you were dying and she had your son, would you want to see him?
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Efren
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?Andale! ?Andale!
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Post by Efren on Jan 24, 2011 18:48:21 GMT -5
I completely agree your concerns shouldn't be about her but about your son, but poor kid got stuck with this wacky and self serving mom, sucks for him, sucks for you, yet its still his mom and if shes not abusive to him im sure he loves her to bits despite her f***ed up behavior, being deprived of not being able to uplift her spirit, to be able to see her on her last days will be more scaring in the long run than going trough it I bet.
Anyway, either thing you decide best of luck to you and your kid.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2011 19:01:31 GMT -5
I've been in a situation a little similar to this. My girlfriend was estranged from her father after her parents divorce. For years he had acted with callow selfishness with regards to my girlfriend and her mother, manipulating them both emotionally whilst acting like a petulant child. After the divorce, his behavious worsened, starting to send emotionally blackmailing messages, including claiming to be feeling sick. If I'm honest, I felt somewhat sorry for the man. His wife had left him due to his behaviour and whilst obviously that sucks, he was responding to it with the same jackassery that got him into the situation. Still, I felt bad for him, life you do when the school bully finally gets whats coming to him.
This all culuminated in him claiming he had cancer. My girlfriend was instantly forgiving of everything, spent time with him and was reestablishing a relationship. However, he refused to allow her to come to any Doctors appointments, claiming he was going with his sister. We then saw the sister... who had never heard of him being sick. Obviously suspicious, we both tried to trip him up in his story to see if he was telling the truth. Long story short he wasn't. He later claimed it had gone into remission and it was all but a miracle. Yes, this was plausible, but he had all the evidence we needed to confront him. He denied it for a while, but eventually admitted to making the whole thing up. He wasn't apologetic at all, blaming my partner for 'forcing him to act this way' because she wasn't paying enough attention to him. My girlfriend has all but cut him out of her life, sending the odd message to let him know she's ok, but no real contact.
Whats interesting however, is she doesn't regret her reaction to the news. In her mind, she's glad she initially believed him, as if it was legitimate she would have felt far worse for ignoring it and by it being fake, it has given her closure on her relationship with her dad. Basically what I'm saying is give her the benefit of the doubt, but if shes faking, maybe its time to consider any arrangements you have with her in regards to your son, who is after all, the most important person in all this. After all, such actions will be detrimental to your son's emotional wellbeing. But for now, as I say, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt as you have no evidence apart from past experience, which is no evidence at all in a situation like this, that she is lying.
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@TenaciousBe
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Post by @TenaciousBe on Jan 24, 2011 19:04:19 GMT -5
Are you sure you're not exes with my buddy's soon-to-be-ex? She sounds exactly like that. And as they were my roommates for a couple of years, I know just where you're coming from in not wanting to have anything to do with her - even if I wasn't the one emotionally "with" her, I've seen what her behavior has done to her family, and what kind of stress it puts on my friend. And as he's the singer in my band, her d-baggery affects me when she's pulling stuff that affects our practice time. And if that sounds selfish... eh, it probably is. But I've grown far too sick of dealing with self-serving wackos to really care much anymore. Getting too old for that shit.
That said... if you find out it's true, by all means, you have to take your son to see her. If she's bedridden and can't physically take care of him, then it becomes irresponsible to leave him in her custody -- but you should still take him to see her before her time is up.
Good luck, man.
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Post by Kash Flagg on Jan 24, 2011 19:31:40 GMT -5
I've had to deal with my fair share of people that you've described, and I completely understand the "give an inch" deal. While I do think you shouldn't limit visitation, your past experiences with this person gives you the right to be cautious.
I personally don't think you're being irrational, and you're a good father for showing concern for your son. If it is cancer, be the better person and don't stand in the way of them seeing each other.
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Post by i.Sarita.com on Jan 24, 2011 20:39:49 GMT -5
People with mental disabilities like bipolar disorder aren't nutjobs, btw. That's kind of offensive. She may be an awful human being and the relationship might have been horrible, but if she's clinically diagnosed with that and borderline personality disorder, it's pretty sucky to call her a nutjob. I didn't say they were. I said she was. If that offends you, you need to grow a thicker skin, quite frankly. Who are you to judge what someone else finds offensive or not? And by the way, you said: "She's a nutjob, and her particular brand of it (Bipolar + Borderline Personality) involves narcissistic, self-seeking, manipulative behavior." Which "her brand of it" with the it being labeled the mental disorder, as if everyone who has that issue is a nutjob. |
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Post by Predator McBroski on Jan 24, 2011 22:30:48 GMT -5
I didn't say they were. I said she was. If that offends you, you need to grow a thicker skin, quite frankly. Who are you to judge what someone else finds offensive or not? And by the way, you said: "She's a nutjob, and her particular brand of it (Bipolar + Borderline Personality) involves narcissistic, self-seeking, manipulative behavior." I see where you're coming from, I'd be okay if he either put she was a nutjob, or her mental disabilities made her act that way. But the way he is saying it, is not exactly cool with me, seeing as a 4 year old nephew of mine has a Bipolar disorder, and I'll leave it at that. Which "her brand of it" with the it being labeled the mental disorder, as if everyone who has that issue is a nutjob. |
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Jay Peas 42
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Post by Jay Peas 42 on Jan 24, 2011 22:47:31 GMT -5
I think something needs to be clarified. Mercy is an act of compassion, someone doesn't deserve it.
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Post by Red Impact on Jan 24, 2011 22:52:37 GMT -5
I can't say how I'd respond in this situation, but when I was working as a journalist, I saw a lot of horrible fraud crimes, so I can't really fault you for being suspicious. If it were me, I'd probably have to ask around her family and see before I took any stance one way or the other.
I just think it's something you should try to hear from someone else than her, because it's obvious that your problems with her the in the past are making it very hard to believe. If she does have cancer and doesn't have time, then her son should see her as much as possible, I think. I know I'd want to.
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Post by Kash Flagg on Jan 24, 2011 23:12:54 GMT -5
I didn't say they were. I said she was. If that offends you, you need to grow a thicker skin, quite frankly. Who are you to judge what someone else finds offensive or not? And by the way, you said: "She's a nutjob, and her particular brand of it (Bipolar + Borderline Personality) involves narcissistic, self-seeking, manipulative behavior." Which "her brand of it" with the it being labeled the mental disorder, as if everyone who has that issue is a nutjob. Knock it off or take it to PM's. |
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darthalexander
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Post by darthalexander on Jan 24, 2011 23:22:05 GMT -5
The only thing that would worry me is that she's faking it to make you feel like crap and to manipulate you. I hate to say anyone would fake having cancer, but considering this world we live in I wouldn't put it past anyone.
Beyond that, if she does have it (which I hope she doesn't) you should let her see your child. Supervised if needed of course.
If she's a heavy drinker there is a chance she could have it. My father got liver cancer from drinking.
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Post by Bake Or Die on Jan 25, 2011 5:14:51 GMT -5
From what I've seen the OP came in here & was probably hoping that we'd all say yeah,don't let him see her. And got super defensive when he didn't get the opinion he wanted to hear.
She's so nuts,etc,etc but you had no problem marrying her,having sex with her & letting her become pregnant by you.
If someone's parent is dying then their child should spend as much time with them as possible.Because once that person is gone they're gone. If she has mental illnesses or not she has every right to see her son. Especially in this case.
You spoke of not wanting to put your son through seeing her like that but instead you rather just not let him see her & then one day tell him that his mom isn't here anymore?
And I'll echo what someone else said if a child is kept from seeing his dying mother based soley because the dad kept them from seeing each other. I'd hope the son would punch the dad in the face when he grew up. Because he'd deserve it.
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Post by ScottishProWrestling on Jan 25, 2011 6:34:48 GMT -5
Let put the shoe on the other foot here. You have cancer, your going die and your ex thinks your lying and stops you seeing what should be the most important thing in your life. How do you feel, forget the past, forget her "conditions", this far supersedes all that pointless crap in the past mate.
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Post by Back to being Cenanuff on Jan 25, 2011 10:55:16 GMT -5
Let put the shoe on the other foot here. You have cancer, your going die and your ex thinks your lying and stops you seeing what should be the most important thing in your life. How do you feel, forget the past, forget her "conditions", this far supersedes all that pointless crap in the past mate. I'd know my limits. I'd realize that once I can't take care of myself, the visitation schedule would have to be altered so the child wouldn't be staying with me. Unfortunately with her, this is not a thing that she will readily realize, and I'll probably have to go to court for this. Let's be clear: I never once said I was completely cutting off. You guys did. There are more than just two extremes, and I had every intention of driving out once a week when she's bedridden, and giving our son a chance to say goodbye. But make no mistake, I will protect our son at every turn, because he's the #1 concern. |
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