Post by rapidfire187 on Mar 3, 2011 13:13:00 GMT -5
I'll start by saying that I am not claiming to be some sort of guru or master at the art of picking up women. Simply put, I'm a regular loser that really hates being single. When I was 16, I lost my virginity to a girl that I met in a yahoo chatroom! I met my first real long term girlfriend in my high school Spanish class and after she broke my heart 2 years later, I decided to take to the internet again. Since 2007, I have met 8 women from dating sites and should be meeting my 9th and hopefully last one soon. I've talked to so many on the telephone and whatnot that it would be impossible to recall them all. I met my last girlfriend online, she ended up moving here and we dated for two years. After listening to other people's horror stories I think that it's fair to say that I am pretty damn successful at online dating. I'm going to try my damndest to convey to you guys what I'm doing right, so maybe you'll know what you're doing wrong. Also, sorry ladies, but I'm not sure if this guide will help you out at all. Feel free to read and comment though.
My top two recommendations are www.plentyoffish.com and www.okcupid.com. POF is my favorite because it is very active and there's new members signing up all the time. So if you feel that you've exhausted all of your potential dates, you can come back in a few months and try again with new people. Okcupid is pretty good, but it's not as active and it has a bad habit of advertising profiles that haven't been logged into in 6 months or something. Okcupid has a cooler matching system though, and would probably be better than POF if it was as active. I'd suggest signing up for both sites, it won't hurt. I can not vouche for dating sites that require you to pay for their service. I've never tried one and I never will. If you have the money to try something like eharmony, by all means go for it. But this guide is intended strictly for free dating sites.
Post as many pictures of yourself as possible. Find the ones that you look best in. 4 or 5 pictures should be enough, but post more if you have them. Try to include pictures of you doing something fun, but it's not entirely necessary. If you don't have that many pictures, or if you don't have that many GOOD pictures, take some of yourself. On my profile, every picture was taken by myself. The good part about photographing yourself is that have complete control over the picture, and can usually get yourself at an angle that is more flattering than if someone else takes the pic. The bad thing about it is that it's hard to get your whole body in the picture without a mirror. Speaking of this, try to get at least one shot of your body. If you have a good body it will obviously help, if you don't then it will at least keep you from surprising the lady when you meet in person.
When it comes to writing your profile, make sure that it's detailed but not overbearing. You don't want a profile the size of this guide or women will probably think that you've got way too much time on your hands, or that you're attempting to lure them to their death. Which by the way, since this is The 'Crap, I need to mention that you should not rape or murder your date. They don't like that. Basically, you want to include all the basics about yourself. What are you doing with your life? What are you looking for? What kind of personality do you have? Also, try to avoid putting negativity into your profile. Steer clear of things like "I don't normally do this sort of thing" and "I've been hurt before, don't want it again". Girls like confidence and humor or...ugh...cocky & funny. My profile is not particularly hilarious but after throwing in a few little jokes I've noticed that I get messages saying stuff like "You seem like an awesome funny guy". Don't try to force it if you can't make a girl crack up in a conversation though.
Sending messages. This is the most important part obviously. Some people say that women view your profile before they even read your message, but I believe that's complete BS. From the women I've talked to, and from common sense, I've determined that women read your message first, if they like it they read your profile, and if they like both they reply. Well, that is assuming that they even open your message to begin with.
If you only send one message, to one woman, the chances are that you will not get a reply. You need to send messages to as many women as possible, and try to avoid sending a message to the same girl twice. The average male user reportedly gets around 1 reply per every 30 messages. Personally, I'm swinging at around 1 in 10, so I feel like I must be doing something right. Keep in mind that I do not restrict messages to only women in my city. The reason for this is that Dublin, Georgia is a very small town and on any given dating site I usually only find about 4 or 5 women from here, and they are NOT talkative. If you live in a big city you can probably get away with just searching in your town. I go by the two hour rule however. If the woman lives less than 2 hours away, she's fair game.
A lot of guys fall into the trap of only sending messages to the most attractive women out there. Don't do that. If your standards are that high then you better be able to meet those same standards or you'll be lonely forever. By all means, send messages to "hot" chicks, but don't exclude everyone else. What you need to do is look at a profile that makes you think "ok, she's gettable". Find a woman that is in the "pretty range" of your ex girlfriends. If you don't have any ex girlfriends, then just use your judgment. The awesome thing about "gettable" women is that they usually have better personalities and are easier to talk to based on the amount of detail in their profiles. Your chances of finding an anime nerd or video game partner are a lot higher if you go this route too. The best part, however, is that these chicks usually look WAY better in person, at least in my experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to go after unattractive women, just go after the ones that are realistic for you.
Make sure you actually read her profile before sending the message; don't try to cheat by reusing the same messages either. Trust me, it will backfire on you. Instead of describing how to craft a good message, I'll simply copy & paste some recent messages of mine that got a response.
Here's a crappy generic message that actually got a response.
and another one
Note: I didn't even notice how much contradiction there is between those two messages. From the first message it's clear that I AM good at describing myself lol. Oh well, moving along.
I'll admit, I'm a little disappointed by those messages. Normally, I would comment on something in their profile but these girls in particular had very bland profiles without much info. They both got replies but I was hoping to find some of my more awesome ice breakers. Apparently POF deletes messages after a certain point. Anyway the main point is that you should talk yourself up in your first message while giving the woman a subtle compliment or simply commenting on their interests. Don't blow your load all over their computer screen by going on about how gorgeous they are. I repeat DO NOT COMPLIMENT THEM ON THEIR BEAUTY. A gorgeous woman does not need to be reminded that she's gorgeous, unless she thinks you're above her standards, your compliment won't mean s*** and will possibly even annoy her. If you're going to compliment her, do it on something related to her personality.
Make sure that your message isn't too short and bland. No "hey sexy" or any of that crap. You don't want to send a novel, but you need to send something that the girl can latch on to and reply to.
Now that you've sent your first message, it's time to do it again and again and again and again (no not to the same person). I know that it seems awfully shallow and inpersonable to send out that many messages, but it's the only way you'll start getting messages in return. You should seriously just spend about an hour looking through profiles and sending messsages to anybody who looks even remotely interesting. If you get a reply, you can gauge how serious the chick is taking you based on the length and content of the message (duh).
If the message is a short "hey what's up?" in most cases, I will simply move along. This is probably the type of chick that's not going to say much no matter how much you write. It's worth a shot sometimes, especially if that's the only message you've got, but it's a bad sign right from the start.
If she sends you a message with some substance though, you're off to a good start. I usually wait until 5 or 6 messages back and forth before I ask for a phone number to text. Waiting before you ask actually gives them an opportunity to give you their number first. I'd actually say that I've had more phone numbers given to me without even having to ask than by asking. If you or the girl don't do texts, you should graduate from the site to maybe yahoo messenger or facebook first. You could try to go directly to phone conversations, but I've found that girls generally seem to be more comfortable getting to know you a little better through text first.
Getting ready to meet in person can be very stressful. As a guy, you have less to worry about in terms of danger, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be worried especially if it's going to be a long distance visit. There's nothing more frustrating than driving 2 hours to meet a girl, taking her out to dinner, and then nothing coming of it. The good news is that usually by the time a girl is ready to meet you, you'll both have a very good idea of whether or not it will work out. You should not suggest meeting in person until you are sure that it's appropriate. I've met women the same week that we started talking online, but that's uncommon. The first meeting usually doesn't happen until 3 weeks to 2 months after we first start talking. One girl that I know in particular has a "3-week rule" meaning that she won't meet a guy that she's been talking to for less than 3 weeks. Basically, just use common sense here. If you're completely confused as to whether or not the girl has any intentions of meeting, you can throw out subtle (or not so subtle) hints to get her to talk. One that I commonly use when talking about video games with a girl is "I'd so kick your ass at that game, we've gotta play it together".
After you meet someone, I can't give you any further advice. Everything from this point on is common dating advice, and honestly, I've had way too many failed relationships to give advice there. Just remember that throughout the entire process of meeting a girl online (or in person for that matter) you need to appear confident. Try to be funny if you're capable of it, but don't force it if you're not. And most importantly, be patient. It takes several casts to catch a fish. Good luck.
Questions? Comments?
My top two recommendations are www.plentyoffish.com and www.okcupid.com. POF is my favorite because it is very active and there's new members signing up all the time. So if you feel that you've exhausted all of your potential dates, you can come back in a few months and try again with new people. Okcupid is pretty good, but it's not as active and it has a bad habit of advertising profiles that haven't been logged into in 6 months or something. Okcupid has a cooler matching system though, and would probably be better than POF if it was as active. I'd suggest signing up for both sites, it won't hurt. I can not vouche for dating sites that require you to pay for their service. I've never tried one and I never will. If you have the money to try something like eharmony, by all means go for it. But this guide is intended strictly for free dating sites.
Post as many pictures of yourself as possible. Find the ones that you look best in. 4 or 5 pictures should be enough, but post more if you have them. Try to include pictures of you doing something fun, but it's not entirely necessary. If you don't have that many pictures, or if you don't have that many GOOD pictures, take some of yourself. On my profile, every picture was taken by myself. The good part about photographing yourself is that have complete control over the picture, and can usually get yourself at an angle that is more flattering than if someone else takes the pic. The bad thing about it is that it's hard to get your whole body in the picture without a mirror. Speaking of this, try to get at least one shot of your body. If you have a good body it will obviously help, if you don't then it will at least keep you from surprising the lady when you meet in person.
When it comes to writing your profile, make sure that it's detailed but not overbearing. You don't want a profile the size of this guide or women will probably think that you've got way too much time on your hands, or that you're attempting to lure them to their death. Which by the way, since this is The 'Crap, I need to mention that you should not rape or murder your date. They don't like that. Basically, you want to include all the basics about yourself. What are you doing with your life? What are you looking for? What kind of personality do you have? Also, try to avoid putting negativity into your profile. Steer clear of things like "I don't normally do this sort of thing" and "I've been hurt before, don't want it again". Girls like confidence and humor or...ugh...cocky & funny. My profile is not particularly hilarious but after throwing in a few little jokes I've noticed that I get messages saying stuff like "You seem like an awesome funny guy". Don't try to force it if you can't make a girl crack up in a conversation though.
Sending messages. This is the most important part obviously. Some people say that women view your profile before they even read your message, but I believe that's complete BS. From the women I've talked to, and from common sense, I've determined that women read your message first, if they like it they read your profile, and if they like both they reply. Well, that is assuming that they even open your message to begin with.
If you only send one message, to one woman, the chances are that you will not get a reply. You need to send messages to as many women as possible, and try to avoid sending a message to the same girl twice. The average male user reportedly gets around 1 reply per every 30 messages. Personally, I'm swinging at around 1 in 10, so I feel like I must be doing something right. Keep in mind that I do not restrict messages to only women in my city. The reason for this is that Dublin, Georgia is a very small town and on any given dating site I usually only find about 4 or 5 women from here, and they are NOT talkative. If you live in a big city you can probably get away with just searching in your town. I go by the two hour rule however. If the woman lives less than 2 hours away, she's fair game.
A lot of guys fall into the trap of only sending messages to the most attractive women out there. Don't do that. If your standards are that high then you better be able to meet those same standards or you'll be lonely forever. By all means, send messages to "hot" chicks, but don't exclude everyone else. What you need to do is look at a profile that makes you think "ok, she's gettable". Find a woman that is in the "pretty range" of your ex girlfriends. If you don't have any ex girlfriends, then just use your judgment. The awesome thing about "gettable" women is that they usually have better personalities and are easier to talk to based on the amount of detail in their profiles. Your chances of finding an anime nerd or video game partner are a lot higher if you go this route too. The best part, however, is that these chicks usually look WAY better in person, at least in my experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to go after unattractive women, just go after the ones that are realistic for you.
Make sure you actually read her profile before sending the message; don't try to cheat by reusing the same messages either. Trust me, it will backfire on you. Instead of describing how to craft a good message, I'll simply copy & paste some recent messages of mine that got a response.
Here's a crappy generic message that actually got a response.
" I'm Scott, nice to "meet" you 
. I'm interested after seeing your
profile so I figured I'd give it a shot.
Important things about me:
I'll be 24 in a little over a month.
I'm in college earning a degree in business management. Should
graduate within the next year.
In my own not so humble opinion I am smart, funny, talented, geeky,
and super duper sexy. Also a great driver.
I'm used to cooking and cleaning almost daily. I also do my own
laundry because I've evolved past other cavemen.
So any chance of getting a reply? I'd like to know more about you."
. I'm interested after seeing your profile so I figured I'd give it a shot.
Important things about me:
I'll be 24 in a little over a month.
I'm in college earning a degree in business management. Should
graduate within the next year.
In my own not so humble opinion I am smart, funny, talented, geeky,
and super duper sexy. Also a great driver.
I'm used to cooking and cleaning almost daily. I also do my own
laundry because I've evolved past other cavemen.
So any chance of getting a reply? I'd like to know more about you."
and another one
"I'm Scott. I'm not very good at describing myself, but I think I did a decent job in my profile. I guess the main thing that you should know is that I'm 97% awesome. So how are you?"
Note: I didn't even notice how much contradiction there is between those two messages. From the first message it's clear that I AM good at describing myself lol. Oh well, moving along.
I'll admit, I'm a little disappointed by those messages. Normally, I would comment on something in their profile but these girls in particular had very bland profiles without much info. They both got replies but I was hoping to find some of my more awesome ice breakers. Apparently POF deletes messages after a certain point. Anyway the main point is that you should talk yourself up in your first message while giving the woman a subtle compliment or simply commenting on their interests. Don't blow your load all over their computer screen by going on about how gorgeous they are. I repeat DO NOT COMPLIMENT THEM ON THEIR BEAUTY. A gorgeous woman does not need to be reminded that she's gorgeous, unless she thinks you're above her standards, your compliment won't mean s*** and will possibly even annoy her. If you're going to compliment her, do it on something related to her personality.
Make sure that your message isn't too short and bland. No "hey sexy" or any of that crap. You don't want to send a novel, but you need to send something that the girl can latch on to and reply to.
Now that you've sent your first message, it's time to do it again and again and again and again (no not to the same person). I know that it seems awfully shallow and inpersonable to send out that many messages, but it's the only way you'll start getting messages in return. You should seriously just spend about an hour looking through profiles and sending messsages to anybody who looks even remotely interesting. If you get a reply, you can gauge how serious the chick is taking you based on the length and content of the message (duh).
If the message is a short "hey what's up?" in most cases, I will simply move along. This is probably the type of chick that's not going to say much no matter how much you write. It's worth a shot sometimes, especially if that's the only message you've got, but it's a bad sign right from the start.
If she sends you a message with some substance though, you're off to a good start. I usually wait until 5 or 6 messages back and forth before I ask for a phone number to text. Waiting before you ask actually gives them an opportunity to give you their number first. I'd actually say that I've had more phone numbers given to me without even having to ask than by asking. If you or the girl don't do texts, you should graduate from the site to maybe yahoo messenger or facebook first. You could try to go directly to phone conversations, but I've found that girls generally seem to be more comfortable getting to know you a little better through text first.
Getting ready to meet in person can be very stressful. As a guy, you have less to worry about in terms of danger, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be worried especially if it's going to be a long distance visit. There's nothing more frustrating than driving 2 hours to meet a girl, taking her out to dinner, and then nothing coming of it. The good news is that usually by the time a girl is ready to meet you, you'll both have a very good idea of whether or not it will work out. You should not suggest meeting in person until you are sure that it's appropriate. I've met women the same week that we started talking online, but that's uncommon. The first meeting usually doesn't happen until 3 weeks to 2 months after we first start talking. One girl that I know in particular has a "3-week rule" meaning that she won't meet a guy that she's been talking to for less than 3 weeks. Basically, just use common sense here. If you're completely confused as to whether or not the girl has any intentions of meeting, you can throw out subtle (or not so subtle) hints to get her to talk. One that I commonly use when talking about video games with a girl is "I'd so kick your ass at that game, we've gotta play it together".
After you meet someone, I can't give you any further advice. Everything from this point on is common dating advice, and honestly, I've had way too many failed relationships to give advice there. Just remember that throughout the entire process of meeting a girl online (or in person for that matter) you need to appear confident. Try to be funny if you're capable of it, but don't force it if you're not. And most importantly, be patient. It takes several casts to catch a fish. Good luck.
Questions? Comments?
