Let's Travel the Oregon Trail: Dysentry Ho!

[El Cokehead del Knife Fight]

So let's start this and then die of Dysentry two days in. Here's hoping that I survive to the end of the journey as we shall blaze a trail armed with Bacon, Clocks and your mother.



This is the map of the game. Our possible destinations are circled in white whereas starting locations are circled in Yellow.
Pick where we're travelling out from and to.

-Starting City-

- Nauvoo
- Kanesville
- St. Joseph
- Independence

-Destinations-
- Oregon City
- Jacksonville (Rogue River Valley)
- Sacramento
- Salt Lake City


We have four open slots in our group if you want to get involved. I just need a name, age and personality. If you miss out then never fear, as it's likely that we'll face danger and get choices often then you can make the choices.

But here is my guy



Name: Biff McFistSteak
Occupation: Clock Merchant

Personality: Often angry and rarely sober, Biff is a man that loves to sell people his grandfather clocks. He comes bearing three items; Grandfather clocks, whiskey and bacon. All three are essential tools for the trip west.

[daime]

Nauvoo

Oregon City

Raymond Mitchell - 54

An old man who could die at any minute. It's on his bucket list to get the hell out of town and to experience one last thrill before he passes.

[Gus Richlen Was Wrong]

St. Joseph to Sacramento

NAME: Jason "Sticky" Wegner

AGE: 22

Somehow was mysteriously teleported from a future where humans are trying to stop aliens from destroying the world to a past where he has to help get his band to California. When asked his opinion of the trip, he was quoted as saying, "What I want to know is where that lunatic CJ Hunter went!"

When told that he wasn't in the XCOM universe anymore he muttered something terrible under his breath and walked away.

[Oak: Certified Jade Hater]

From Nauvoo to Sacramento

Name: Jake Finn

Age: 28

Personality: Having been left by his wife for the local sherriff, ol' Jake Finn is looking to get out of town and forget that she-devil existed! How will he do so? By whisky. Course, this makes him a foul mouthed scoundrel, but he blames the missus for that.

[MrBRulzOK]

Name: Ima Gertrude Gerl

Age: 42

Personality: A bizarrely manish woman who has a tendency to get pissy about everyone and everything. Hates sitting in the very back and always complains whenever she gets the chance about anything. She's never settled down with any man because she refuses to be held down by one. Why exactly she decided to travel alongside four of them is a reason best explained by plot convenience.

[Brandon Walsh is Insane.]

Nauvoo to Sacramento

[El Cokehead del Knife Fight]

Wait, I messed up. There's one more open slot in the group so we can get one more before we set out.

[Big Bad Brad]

I call the last spot let me fill out a character right fast

[Big Bad Brad]

Name: Sally Sparks

Age: 24

Personality: A girl next door type always looking to help out those less fortunate, basically a real girly girl know what I mean.

I hope that's good enough.

I decided to create a female character so sue me

[Gus Richlen Was Wrong]

Jul 29, 2012 21:49:42 GMT -5 Big Bad Brad said:

Name: Sally Sparks

Age: 24

Personality: A girl next door type always looking to help out those less fortunate, basically a real girly girl know what I mean.

I hope that's good enough.

I decided to create a female character so sue me

You have no idea how often I do that too.

[El Cokehead del Knife Fight]

Biff : And yet nobody wants my clocks. Man, f*** those guys.

Sticky : I'm sure out west they'll appreciate your work. CJ should be out that way also.

Sally : So are we leaving soon? I can't wait to head out and just have some fun.

Raymond : Like hell am I dying in this backwards hole. I'm getting out of Nauvoo and Illinois, even if it kills me.




Ima Gerl: How expected that a scrawny little bastard would be trying to screw me on price.

Jake Finn: Everyone in this town takes turns at screwing everything. Like my wife.




Now I do declare that you will have plenty of shopping to do and disposable income. I do believe that we can help each other.

Biff: Are you in the market for Grandfather Clocks? Because I have them and if you aren't buying then I will be very cross.


Sally: How cross?

Biff: I will write a very angry letter about how cross I am. I'll also throw a burning clock through their window.

Sticky: That seems rather familiar. Are you sure you aren't CJ?

Biff: Son, I have no idea what the f*** a CJ is and I don't care. Always talking about the times you killed some aliens, what the hell is an alien.



Ima Gerl: You bought over 500 pounds of bacon.

Biff: Yes.

Ima Gerl: The hell is wrong with you? You've purchased more bacon then any other kind of food put together when it'll probably rot sooner rather than later.

Biff: I am drunk sir and I will not put up with such dissent. Shut up.




Jake: That's a lot of whiskey.

Biff: Are you going to complain also?

Jake: No, I think I made the right choice leaving this place.

Raymond: Damn kids, can't we leave already?



Biff: All in favor of the old geezers suggestion?

Everyone: Aye

Sally: You really shouldn't call him a geezer, it's not polite at all.


Biff: Ah, how long will he have to put up with this?




Sticky: So this one time, me and CJ were playing with explosives and he made one do a loop-de-loop around an alien.

Ima Gerl: Sticky, go to the back of wagon and do not bother me. Bad enough that there's all this oxen and all we have to eat is Bacon.





Ima Gerl: Oh good, and now we have a river to worry about.

Jake: So what now? We can't turn back and the river is too deep to drive the wagon through. Plus I doubt Raymond can swim.

Sally: There's a ferry. for free.

Raymond: We could turn the wagon into a boat and sail across like the Pilgrims.

Sally: Or we could not drown and take the ferry, which is a boat and is for free.



Biff: LAME!

Ima Gerl: And now we're stuck with the unwashed masses for a day. Perfect.

Sally:

And so we continue on our way when suddenly!



Raymond: THE BRITISH ARE INVADING! HIDE THE ELDERLY!

Jake Finn: You were born after the Revolutionary war.

Raymond: I don't trust you, you British spy.

Sally: So should we slow down or press on? This storm doesn't seem safe to go about in.

Biff: We are going east as quickly as possible! We're getting out of Illinois, not sticking around.

Sally: That's really not a good-




Sally: idea.

Ima: Well that's just perfect, how do you propose to fix this? And if you say grandfather clocks or bacon I will beat you round the head with the broken yoke.



Jake Finn: This is the Des Moines river. What shall we do here?


Biff: Let's drive through.


Sticky: Badass.

Ima: No, that's just insane. The water is 13 feet deep at it's deepest.

Biff: We're fording the river.

Ima: Well, I'm taking the ferry and not going to drown. I expect that you fools will not know better than to do so also.


Biff:......

Ima:.......

Sally: You're drunk again, aren't you?

Biff: WE ARE GOING INTO THE RIVER!


WHEN SUDDENLY!




Biff: NOOOOOOOO! NOT THE BACON! OR MY PANTS AND BULLETS!

Sally: You've forgotten something else.


Biff: What might that be?




Biff: Ah.

Sally: We have to bury him. It's the right thing to do.

Sticky: Or we can float him down the river for one last thrill.

Ima:.........

Sticky: What?

Sally: That is the worst thing that I've ever heard anyone say.

Sticky: Well this one time, my buddy CJ shot a bear with a laser.

Ima: What does that have anything to do with anything?

Biff: No, he does have a point. Fighting a bear would be amazing.





Biff: Well, we're out of Illinois. Shame Raymond still has to be there until he rots.

Sally: BIFF!

Biff: What?

Sally: too soon.




Well, we've reached our checkpoint more or less alive. But should we ford/caulk/take a ferry over all of the rivers that we find like cowards?

[Oak: Certified Jade Hater]

Biff's my favorite, followed by Ima, then Finn. Shame about Raymond, though he was in his 50's. He knew death was comin'.

I say ford. Let's see what happens.

[El Cokehead del Knife Fight]

I also hope that Gus doesn't mind that I've written Sticky as similar to Ellis from Left 4 Dead 2. Always talking about a friend of his that had unbelievable stories and is slightly odd.

[daime]

Damn.. I died already. (who didn't see that coming?)

[Big Bad Brad]

Jul 30, 2012 9:19:11 GMT -5 @daime said:

Damn.. I died already. (who didn't see that coming?)

Better you old man then a pretty young girl like me.



There's a picture of me

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}Before I get any jokes that's a picture of the character I created for this game not me I really don't know who she is but she fits the bill.

[daime]

I hope he continued immediately.

That's how old Raymond would've wanted it.

[El Cokehead del Knife Fight]

And now a minutes silence for the fallen.



Sticky: Boring, let's go.



Ima Gerl: So how quickly will you kill one of the other idiots? We've at least made it out of the state where we began but you somehow got somebody killed.


Biff: I'm not sure I like your attitude. My plans are awesome and will always be awesome.

Ima Gerl: You drowned an old man in four feet of water.

Biff: My plan is great.




Sally: Your plan is great?

Biff: There are one or two minor flaws. But my plan is great.

Jake: And the oxen? We don't have enough to abandon this one.

Sticky: or do we?

Jake: No. No we don't.





Jake: Let's plow right through. It's only a couple of feet deep.


Biff: We shall drive through with machismo!

Ima: Are you both drunk? How is this a good idea?

Biff: Not yet.

Jake: We plan on it.



Ima: Well this is a big f***ing shock. Bogged down because you idiots find it necessary to drive through.



Sticky: Who are you and where did you get your hat?

Man: The name's Trapper Dan and I'm a trapping man. I travel without wagons and go about slaying dragons.

Ima: Dragons? Are you mad?

Man: Oh quite mad good sir, as mad as the fox without its fur. He makes a fantastic hat but not as well as a man named Matt.

Sally: You turned a human being into a hat?

Man: Human flesh is easy to tan, there is nothing as grand as the skin of a man.

Sally: Can we please leave now? I'm scared.



Ima Gerl: What is wrong with everyone that I meet? Either insane or moronic.



Ima Gerl: Why must we be so far from civilization?

Jake: Maybe they'll have something of use here.




Ima Gerl: This place stinks of horse crap.

Sally: I haven't gone shopping in so long. Can we at least buy some new pairs of pants or a skirt.



Biff: Look at that price. We're fording this river.

Jake: Wait, it's a little too deep to ford.

Biff: Well, we aren't taking the ferry.

Sally: Why not?

Biff: Because ten dollars is a lot. We will ford it.


Ima Gerl: No, remember what happened last time? And the time before?

Biff: Alright, you guys want a boat then fine I'll float the wagon.





NOOOOOO, MY PANTS!


Sally: Biff, we have another problem.

Biff: MY BACON!!!

Sally: BIFF!

BIFF: SALLY!

Sally:.....

Biff: My bacon!



Ima Gerl: ALL OF MY HATE!

Sticky: Oh no, he's drowning!





While waiting for Ima to dry out and calm down, Biff decided to try his hand at hunting.






He wasn't very good at it. Luckily he was out there long enough that Ima had calmed down.




Sticky: This is nothing. This one time my buddy CJ and I rode through a desert nude.



Ima: Let's just take the ferry.

Biff: I would sooner die then give them my money.





Biff: MY BACON, BULLETS AND PANTS! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?




These people were very rude. They blamed us for the diseases that they were suffering from. The only disease that I've ever given someone is Syphilis.






Jake: This seems to happen too often for my liking.

Biff: So much wasted bacon.



Sally: I don't feel too good guys.

Ima: You'll be fine, just stop whinging.

Sally: But I-

She turn green momentarily and ran for some bushes at the road side. The four remaining members of the group exchanged worried glances before a disgusted look crossed Imas face as she figured out what was happening.




Sticky: Vomiting and spraying poop. That's nasty.

Biff: I prescribe heroin and opium in whiskey.

Jake: So Laudanum?

Biff: Wait, that's what Laudanum is? I just wanted her to trip balls.



Sally: Hate you all.

Ima: Stay at that end of the wagon where I can't smell you.




Sticky: Mormon Island, an island made out of Mormons.

Jake: That is insane. We aren't in Utah.

[daime]

At this rate, Old Man Raymond's spirit wonders if they'll even make it past Nevada. lol

[Gus Richlen Was Wrong]

OK, the Mormon Island line was funny.

But seriously, Biff, just pay the guys so we stop losing so much stuff. We cannot keep losing so many bullets.

[El Cokehead del Knife Fight]

LAST TIME ON THE OREGON TRAIL!



Nothing important happened.






Sticky: Observe the wild mormon in his natural habitat. Look at what a nerd he is.




Ima Gerl: It's hot as hell. I'm taking a nap.

Jake: You could take another dip in the river.







Biff: Party, party, party. I wanna have a party.

Sally: We already did have a party.



Jake Finn: EVERYBODY MOVE!

Ima Gerl: Why the hell are there so many people about? I thought we planned to avoid the traffic.

Biff: I plan nothing.



Jake: I've gotta piss. Drank too much whiskey earlier.

Sally: Could you be a little classy?

Sticky: Yes, listen to what squirty has to say.




Jake: AAAAAAAAH!!!!! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S MY EX-WIFE ALL OVER AGAIN!

Biff: Walk it off.




Jake: I'm not having fun at the moment.

Ima: I'd rather be bitten then what happened to me. And that's... that's....

Barely able to speak and looking vaguely into the distance, Ima jumped from the wagon for the nearest bushes. She didn't make the distance before she started to scream angrily as a nasty smell wafted from her direction. Sticky and Biff smirked rather broadly while Jake fell asleep again.

Or passed out, it was difficult to tell.






Biff: The hell is this shit? I can't tell the time with this!

Sally: I think that they're nice.




Biff: Let's ford this shit!



Biff: Suck it up people.


Ima: Do something about this dust.




Sticky: FORD IT!



Ima: Well, brilliant plan.


Jake: Oh shut up. By the way, you don't look too well.



Ima: Ughhhhhhh.


Biff: Let's use more Opium laced Whiskey.



Biff: Let's ford it some more!



Biff: MY BACON! WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE BACON THAT SUFFERS?



Sally: HELP ME!

Jake: Oh no, the only tolerable member of this group.




Ima: Why does everything bad happen to me? And everyone else by proxy?





Biff: Fine, I think that we deserve a nap.

Sticky: Or do we?

Sally: Yes, we do.