Clearing the air (battling depression)...

[Yami Daimao]

Fair warning, it's a bit of a read.

Alright, so here I go:

For the last 4 years I've been experiencing an on-again, off-again case of depression. I'm 23 years old, I still live at home, and I've been unemployed for almost 3 years now. Over that span I've applied to over roughly 200 jobs, to which I've gotten rejection letters and no responses, despite my numerous calls checking on the process. Yes, believe it or not, no one wants to hire me, apparently. I feel like at this rate, I'll never land anything. It's extremely frustrating. But that's just scratching the surface.

I've tried applying to school, hoping maybe if I at least can't land a job, I could always try later with a better education. Turns out I'm not qualified for any kind of grant, just a loan, which I won't be able to pay-off due to not having any income. I'm too proud to ask my mother for help, on top of the fact that she's busy with medical bills from her treatments for cervical cancer (she's doing a lot better now, but she's not out of the woods). The stress and worry for her life does not help my situation at all.

I have very few friends (I don't mind), but their idea of fun is going to clubs and stuff, and that's just not my scene, never was, never will. So my social life isn't all that great, especially since I wouldn't be able to bring myself into meeting new people or get into a relationship without the confidence of having some sort of steady job and a life. I'm sick of my hometown. I've lived here all my life and I'm tired of seeing the same buildings and people. I wanna get out, but financially, I can't. That in itself is depressing.

A minor issue I feel I need to express is my sexual orientation. I know for a fact I like women, but sometimes I look at an attractive male and then a whole surge of thoughts and emotions come to me. The idea of liking men doesn't bother me, or so I might think, as it appears I'm subconsciously fighting that feeling while trying to understand if it's my true feelings or not. I don't understand any of it, and what I can't understand, bugs me.

I just feel absolutely worthless. A waste of space. Nothing I do ever works out for me. I've never spoken about my issues with anyone, because I know regardless of their encouragement, no one will really understand, and looking at their judgmental faces will only make things worse. I'm not going to deny that, a few times, I've lost hope and thought about just ending it. Luckily, common sense soon kicked in and those thoughts would quickly disappear, only to come back again at another time. But I'm pretty sure I at least know myself enough not to end my life when everything is absolute shit. However, the human mind can be unpredictable.

I need to express how I feel in SOME form, because any longer and I would completely lose myself. I might have "cried out" a couple of times on Twitter, but I've learned that not everyone actually pays attention to what you say on there. It's why I'm letting everything out here.

This forum has been like a safe haven for me. An escape from my problems. A second home. Friendly strangers that I never have to publicly face, and never have to read their faces. Just text. However, I feel like I annoy some of you. I've never been flat out told "You annoy me" (at least nothing that I've seen), but I get that impression judging some responses, or should I say lack of. I have a suspicion that I'm overreacting for nothing, but I still can't shake off that feeling. I try to socialize with all of you, to truly be a part of this little family you guys have, however, I feel like my attempts are in vain. I sometimes feel like I'm invisible here. I continue to hope that I'm wrong.

Now it looks like my depression has caused me to act out on here too. Last night I kind of lashed out on a poster who I felt was insulting me (still do in some way). Normally I wouldn't even react at all, but when I did, I was later surprised at my reaction, and a little worried. Then just the other week, I was close to throwing a fit after someone beat me to making a discussion thread that I was REALLY looking forward to making, about a subject that I absolutely love (though I should add they did make it before the last one hit 30 pages). I'm fully aware that it's childish and petty, but at the time, I was almost livid. I HATE that something as simple as creating a topic got to me the way it did, and it's something I'm going to try to put an end to. To that person (you know who you are), if you read this, no hard feelings.

Anyways, I'm going to stop here before I ramble on too much and go off-track. I think I've said everything I needed to say. I'm not looking for pity, I only felt like I absolutely needed to get that off my chest.

If you've made it this far; thank you. I'm just happy I'm finally able to share this to somebody.

[lionheart21]

I know all too well how that goes. I was 22 when I had my own experiences with depression. I had no real path in life, stuck in a dead-end job, living at home, no real friends, no girlfriend. As a result, I basically feel into a deep depression where I wouldn't do anything really but go to work and feel sorry for myself. I couldn't even eat anything because I was so sick to my stomach due to the hatred I had for myself and what I had let my life amount to, and I ended up dropping from 200 to about 150 lbs in the span of about a month.

I finally decided to try going to a community college, since I learned that since they don't really care about GPAs or SAT scores due to their open admissions, I was able to go in, and basically have all of that wiped clean by going for a few semesters, seeing how colleges won't usually look at your high school GPA/SATs when they see you've already had some college experience, and then have the opportunity to transfer and get some sort of financial aid. It was by doing this that I was able to learn that I wasn't as helpless as I thought I was, and this somehow actually broke my depression. Well, that and a combination of frequenting message boards such as this one to act as a sort of social medium while I helped get my confidence back up.

In the mean time, though, good luck. Personally, I think you've been a pretty good guy here, so don't hesitate to ask any of us here for help since this is a pretty easygoing place and we'll have no problems in helping you with what you need.

[Deleted]

Aug 21, 2012 18:32:34 GMT -5 Yami Daimao said:

I have very few friends (I don't mind), but their idea of fun is going to clubs and stuff, and that's just not my scene, never was, never will. So my social life isn't all that great, especially since I wouldn't be able to bring myself into meeting new people or get into a relationship without the confidence of having some sort of steady job and a life. I'm sick of my hometown. I've lived here all my life and I'm tired of seeing the same buildings and people. I wanna get out, but financially, I can't. That in itself is depressing.

I'm in the same position, but more in the sense that there are two people who live in a whole other country from me that I want to be with, and I have no way of doing that at this moment, and it makes me sad.

A minor issue I feel I need to express is my sexual orientation. I know for a fact I like women, but sometimes I look at an attractive male and then a whole surge of thoughts and emotions come to me. The idea of liking men doesn't bother me, or so I might think, as it appears I'm subconsciously fighting that feeling while trying to understand if it's my true feelings or not. I don't understand any of it, and what I can't understand, bugs me.

I felt that way for a while before admitting my bisexuality. It could just be that you're just bi-curious, but it's perfectly normal to have thoughts like this.

I just feel absolutely worthless. A waste of space. Nothing I do ever works out for me. I've never spoken about my issues with anyone, because I know regardless of their encouragement, no one will really understand, and looking at their judgmental faces will only make things worse. I'm not going to deny that, a few times, I've lost hope and thought about just ending it. Luckily, common sense soon kicked in and those thoughts would quickly disappear, only to come back again at another time. But I'm pretty sure I at least know myself enough not to end my life when everything is absolute s***. However, the human mind can be unpredictable.

I feel this way as well. I have a lot of bad thoughts, and I fear what might happen if I ever tell people a lot of what I feel and my personal thoughts on things. It's one of the reasons I haven't come out as Trans outside of the internet, and one of the reasons I likely won't because I'm afraid. I also feel like a waste of space, and that I have no self worth.

I need to express how I feel in SOME form, because any longer and I would completely lose myself. I might have "cried out" a couple of times on Twitter, but I've learned that not everyone actually pays attention to what you say on there. It's why I'm letting everything out here.

Yeah, Twitter is usually not the best place, unless you are with some good friends there.

This forum has been like a safe haven for me. An escape from my problems. A second home. Friendly strangers that I never have to publicly face, and never have to read their faces. Just text. However, I feel like I annoy some of you. I've never been flat out told "You annoy me" (at least nothing that I've seen), but I get that impression judging some responses, or should I say lack of. I have a suspicion that I'm overreacting for nothing, but I still can't shake off that feeling. I try to socialize with all of you, to truly be a part of this little family you guys have, however, I feel like my attempts are in vain. I sometimes feel like I'm invisible here. I continue to hope that I'm wrong.

This is how I feel about this place as well. It's also a safe haven for me, and a place I'm proud to call a net-home. That's why when the whole mod hullaballoo happened, I felt like I wasn't worthy of this place. That's how important it is to me. It's saved me when I felt totally out of things, and has been able to accept me when I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.

Now it looks like my depression has caused me to act out on here too. Last night I kind of lashed out on a poster who I felt was insulting me (still do in some way). Normally I wouldn't even react at all, but when I did, I was later surprised at my reaction, and a little worried. Then just the other week, I was close to throwing a fit after someone beat me to making a discussion thread that I was REALLY looking forward to making, about a subject that I absolutely love (though I should add they did make it before the last one hit 30 pages). I'm fully aware that it's childish and petty, but at the time, I was almost livid. I HATE that something as simple as creating a topic got to me the way it did, and it's something I'm going to try to put an end to. To that person (you know who you are), if you read this, no hard feelings.

I do this all the time as well, lest we forget my own stupidity when it came to the Anti-MLP stuff.

I know we don't talk enough, but I do respect you dude. You're a great personality here, fun to respond to, and always have something great to add. I know what it's like to feel like you don't matter, and I definitely know how rough depression can get. Even if it isn't the biggest thing that could help, I do consider you a friend, and someone I respect a hell of a lot.

(gives E-Hug)

If you need to talk, I'm here.

["Gentleman" AJ Powell]

Cheer up mate. In my experience, when you think things are at their shittest, you'll get a breakthrough. Things can only get better from here!

[KAMALARAMBO: BOOMSHAKALAKA!!!]

Just think of it this way: at least you're trying. I knew someone (used to be a friend until I had to finally get away from him when I found out how scummy he really was) who didn't have a job for seven years and didn't feel the least bit guilty about being a drain on his parents. He worked for a few months, bought a big screen tv then quit and just sits at home all day while his mother works her ass off to support him. Unfortunately, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there like that, but not you as at least you try.

Not sure if you were really looking for advice or help or just wanted a place to vent, but I can offer some advice and if you don't want it feel free to skip right past it.

I'm not sure where you live, if it is a small town or a bigger city, but from the looks of your post it is a small town. Honestly, that is tougher for employment than a big city as in a big city you can usually find SOMETHING if you look hard enough and don't mind temping. Still, living in a small town is by no means hopeless. Have you gone to an employment center (I think that's the correct term) or anything? Usually they're not that helpful, but it can be something for you to do and who knows maybe it could help out.

You can also try to go to the government for work or volunteering to keep yourself occupied. I know AmeriCorps ( www.americorps.gov/ ) hires young people all over the country. Given your situation you might also not want to rule out the military as I know it helps give a lot of people in similar situations direction in their life including people I've known personally.

On the topic of employment I hate to sound tough, but applying to roughly 200 jobs in 3 years is actually not that high a number. That averages to about one application a week or so. When I was applying for jobs regularly it was common for me to apply for 30 jobs a week and still not hear back from anyone. Sometimes it really is about the quantity of applications you send out rather than quality.

Regarding education I can see why you would be hesitant to take out student loans, but tons of people do including myself. Really, unless your parents pay for it or you get a full-ride scholarship you have to take out at least some form of student loan. University is not for everyone, but if you enjoyed any aspect of school and feel like it could help you then you might want to give college a shot. If you ever decide to do this though PLEASE stay away from for-profit schools (University of Phoenix, ITT Tech, etc.) they are largely a scam and the degrees tend to not be worth the paper they are printed on. Community colleges on the other hand can be your best friend as you can go to one for an associates for two years, build up your GPA and transfer to a more established four-year school for a bachelors degree.

As for the sexuality thing, I honestly have no idea what to tell you. I guess just see where it takes you and never be ashamed of how you feel.

Well, there's my advice for you to take or leave. I know how it feels to have trouble in the job market. You really just have to not get down on yourself. I was in somewhat of a similar situation for 5 months and was called "stupid" and "retarded" for it right off the bat and I'd like to say it didn't get me down, but the truth is it did get me down and really quickly. However, if I wasn't down maybe I wouldn't have been in that spot for 5 months. Maybe it would have been 3 months or 2 or even 1.

If you believe you're worthless after a while it starts to become true as you just can't function anymore. You really just need to fight past this depression and keep your eyes on the ambitions that you've mentioned which seem tough to get, but they're not impossible.

[The Ichi]

I do the "snap at someone then realize how harsh I was later" thing a lot, both here and in real life. Infact, I did it last night too.

I also wonder what people here think about me and have come to the conclussion that I'm seen as kind of a preachy sue for some reason, even though that's the last thing I try to be. I think I'm terrible at sarcasm too (which a lot of my posts aim for, but it likely doesn't come off that way) and that I'm not very good at being polite even when I'm trying to be. I have what's known as "chronic bitchface" in real life (always look dead serious and angry when I'm not) and that may come out here. May not help that my sig is pissed off looking Miz.

Sorry, I know I made that about me, I guess I'm just trying to say that that behaviour may not be too uncommon.

If it helps (probably not), I always like your posts.

[Demented]

I'm here for ya, fellow insane buddy! And if you ever want someone to chat with about anything, I'm here for that as well.

*hug*

[salsashark]

I'm sorry to read all this. Being unemployed and depressed just sucks -- I have absolutely been there myself -- but you just have to keep trying and trying. Hope is crucial.

A few quick questions that I'm curious about -- maybe we can help/advise you more if we know more details:
-What are your ultimate career ambitions/what field are you into?
-Where do you live?
-What are your hobbies/interests -- the stuff that you're really into or could cheer you up?

[Yami Daimao]

Thanks for the support, guys. That really was a load off my chest, and I feel a bit better about it.

I appreciate the advice, KAMALARAMBO, I really do. However, I feel like it won't be much use for me, considering other circumstances. I'll keep some of it in mind though for future reference, just in case.

Aug 22, 2012 0:17:01 GMT -5 salsashark said:

A few quick questions that I'm curious about -- maybe we can help/advise you more if we know more details:
-What are your ultimate career ambitions/what field are you into?
-Where do you live?
-What are your hobbies/interests -- the stuff that you're really into or could cheer you up?

- I'm very good with ideas and stories in the comic/manga/anime/graphic novel area. I want to write stories for those, and make them into web comics, and then possibly make them into physical or visual products. I don't draw, however a friend of mine does and we've always been interested in doing stuff like that. However, he's always so busy, that we barely have time to really start anything. On top of that, he seems to be slowly losing interest in drawing, at least that's what it appears to me. We actually managed to do one panel of something once, but after that, nothing.

- Elizabeth, NJ. And not in the pretty or promising area (although it's not "dangerous").

- Pretty much what I listed above. That and being on the computer a lot of the time, but only because it truly keeps me from going mad (or madder).

[Optimax]

You're not invisible mate (sorry Aussie coming out)

I'm 25 and battled through depression previously, my monotonous life sickened me far beyond words can describe. Thankfully a complete career change and supportive parents/ friends helped me.

It's always easier to talk about, so if you need a rant just lost a thread or shoot through a message. I'd say more then a couple of us can relate.