Need Help Regarding a Friend

[Orange]

First up, I promise this is actually for a friend, and not a disguise to really mean me.

I've known this guy for a few years now, kind of socially awkward, kind of overweight, etc. etc. He only lives with his Mom, not too sure what happened with his Dad - it's not a topic I really want to bring up on the chance that it's a hard topic to talk about. Anything I've gathered suggests that he moved away when he was little.

Anyway, many times when I talk to him he mentions how lonely he is and how upset it makes him. He says that he's very depressed that he doesn't have many friends, the only problem is he doesn't really put himself out there, so he doesn't really give himself a way to remedy his loneliness problem. He does have a girlfriend now, one of his first ever based off of what he tells me, but they don't get together in person that much - given that they live on opposite sides of the city and neither has a car.

I just get so upset (not in a selfish way, but in an honest way) that he's depressed so often, and I want to help him - but any suggestions I make on places for him to find friends he's either A.) had a bad experience there once or B.) he just doesn't want to. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I want to help him - but it sometimes doesn't seem like he wants to help himself.

Basically, he hates who he is - and has told me that he doesn't believe being yourself (in a general sense) is the smartest thing to do. He hasn't graduated school, he doesn't have a car, and he doesn't have a job - so his chances at meeting people aren't too great. I've tried to convince him to get a job, but he doesn't think he'd be able to hold one, so he hasn't really made the effort.

What would you guys do in this situation? We're a lot alike, so I hope I'm not coming across as holier than thou - I'm a socially awkward guy, as well - but I want to help him the best I can.

[Orange]

I apologize for being impatient, but I'm talking to him now - so any help/words of wisdom will help greatly.

[CATCH_US IS the Conversation]

Offer to drive him and his girlfriend to see each other.

[Piccolo]

Maybe don't frame these friend-finding missions as such... like maybe there's a MeetUp or some other thing where people meet other likeminded people for activities, and you could tell him you want to go and you were hoping he'd come with you so you wouldn't feel so awkward about it. And then while you're there, you can subtly draw him into conversations with people, etc.

If his major problem is that he's so depressed/hopeless that he can't work himself up to self-improvement in finding friends, getting a job, etc, maybe framing this as a passive, purely supportive act will convince him to come along and have fun despite himself.

I like the idea of facilitating his meetings with his girlfriend too. Double date sometimes, maybe? Invite both him and his girl over to your house when you've got people over to introduce him to a wider social circle?

Maybe if he can alleviate some of his social issues, the other stuff (like not being able to hold down a job) will work itself out.

[Orange]

Great ideas, you guys. I have mentioned doing a double date deal sometime, but according to him her parents are very protective and don't allow her to do much. I've never met her and don't know much about her, so I have to take his word for it. However, I've mentioned to him that, since we're kinda-sorta within walking distance of a theater, maybe we could try to go to a movie some time.

Piccolo, I really like that meetup idea - I'll have to try it if there's a video game meetup or something like that. I'm not a super huge gamer, but he is - so getting him there wouldn't be too much of a hassle, and it wouldn't seem weird of me to ask since I'm a casual gamer.

I've been talking to him about maybe trying painting or some type of creative outlet as well, and that seems to have cheered him up, too.

Thanks, you guys.

[Deleted]

He's got to do a lot of the work himself you know... I mean, it's great to help but by the looks of things it doesn't look like he wants to put the hard work into anything just wants to be lazy. Perhaps some motivational speaking might give him some sense into his head.

Basically what Piccolo said though, make sure HE wants to do it though.

[Bo Rida]

Honestly in this economy it's hard for anybody in the job market at the moment so must be near impossible for somebody who hasn't graduated school. Maybe there's some training/class he could take which would also help him meet people but that usually takes money which I'm guessing he doesn't have.

It's also tough meeting people as one of the first questions he'll be asked is about what he does for living (and again with a class he at least has something to say in response). At least with the ideas already mentioned there's some common ground so it's not so much of an issue.

[Baldobomb-22-OH-MAN!!!]

I'm going to be honest, it sounds like your friend is an introvert who for whatever reason hasn't reached the stage where he's comfortable with his introversion. society has a really messed up outlook where they think if someone doesn't go out of their way to have a million friends and go out and party all the time that there's something wrong with them. what you need to stress with him is there's nothing wrong with spending a lot of time with yourself. a lot of introverts confuse societal pressure to socialize with loneliness.

just my take

[Orange]

Nov 22, 2012 9:52:04 GMT -5 Baldobomb-22-OH-MAN!!! said:

I'm going to be honest, it sounds like your friend is an introvert who for whatever reason hasn't reached the stage where he's comfortable with his introversion. society has a really messed up outlook where they think if someone doesn't go out of their way to have a million friends and go out and party all the time that there's something wrong with them. what you need to stress with him is there's nothing wrong with spending a lot of time with yourself. a lot of introverts confuse societal pressure to socialize with loneliness.

just my take

Yeah, I'm an introvert as well - and I've tried to tell him there's nothing wrong with being alone sometimes. However, he feels if he doesn't have a girlfriend (before he got one) and isn't constantly around people then he won't be happy. I think he focuses too much on other peoples' standards of living and what life is supposed to be, because he doesn't feel his is right.