"Just be confident"

["Gizzark" Mike Wronglevenay]

Okay, I was not confident at all back in the day, so I'll tell you how I gained confidence. These steps aren't in any real order but it's a rough idea.

1. Stand up straight when you walk, and look ahead, not at the floor. You walk either at the pace of someone who knows where they're going, or of someone who has no need to hurry and so walks at a relaxed pace. No shuffling, no rushing.

2. Force yourself into situations you otherwise wouldn't be social in, even if it's just talking about how damn late the bus is today.

3. Pretend you're confident, even if you aren't.

4. Be a pragmatist. Realise that embarrassment, particularly in front of perfect strangers, loses you nothing. Rationalise anything that'll make you feel bad about yourself unnecessarily.

This is all stuff that helped me a great deal. Just the standing up straight thing helped me immensely.

[darthalexander]

I think it has to start with the fact that you need to stop worrying about what other people think about you. It sounds too simple but I've found (the hard way) that that's usually the first big step towards more confidence. I think we spend so much time worrying about what others think that all we do is sit and question ourselves constantly and we end becoming so neurotic because of it.

I have seen some real serious losers out there going around without any shame, and they should have it in droves, but they don't care because other people's opinions don't matter much to them.

** If you grew up in a highly critical environment, that can cause major havoc with your self-esteem as well.

[milkomania]

Confidence is the wrong word. You can't fake what you don't have. It's like saying "Just be rich" when you don't have any money. Same thing with "just be yourself"- especially if you hate yourself. If you hate the person you are, why would you market it to anyone else?
Honestly, I think the only way to attract others is by accident on your journey to make yourself likable enough for you to stand.

???That made more sense in my head, I swear...

[Non Banjoble Tokens]

Jan 18, 2013 13:33:22 GMT -5 @milkomania said:

Confidence is the wrong word. You can't fake what you don't have. It's like saying "Just be rich" when you don't have any money. Same thing with "just be yourself"- especially if you hate yourself. If you hate the person you are, why would you market it to anyone else?
Honestly, I think the only way to attract others is by accident on your journey to make yourself likable enough for you to stand.

???That made more sense in my head, I swear...

Well, here there pretty lady. I don't know if you knew this or not, but in some east Indian countries, I'm worth two goats and a case of expired Yoohoo.

[Orange]

Jan 18, 2013 13:15:31 GMT -5 darthalexander said:

I think it has to start with the fact that you need to stop worrying about what other people think about you. It sounds too simple but I've found (the hard way) that that's usually the first big step towards more confidence. I think we spend so much time worrying about what others think that all we do is sit and question ourselves constantly and we end becoming so neurotic because of it.

I have seen some real serious losers out there going around without any shame, and they should have it in droves, but they don't care because other people's opinions don't matter much to them.

** If you grew up in a highly critical environment, that can cause major havoc with your self-esteem as well.

I really that advice, as well. People are going to judge and criticize you anyway, why make your own life a living hell trying to please them? Who are they, anyway?

I'm not saying go out in public all the time dressed like a pig and never shower - but you don't have to impress everybody else on the planet, there's no obligation for you to do so.

[aka Cthulhu]

Jan 18, 2013 13:45:20 GMT -5 Orange said:

Jan 18, 2013 13:15:31 GMT -5 darthalexander said:

I think it has to start with the fact that you need to stop worrying about what other people think about you. It sounds too simple but I've found (the hard way) that that's usually the first big step towards more confidence. I think we spend so much time worrying about what others think that all we do is sit and question ourselves constantly and we end becoming so neurotic because of it.

I have seen some real serious losers out there going around without any shame, and they should have it in droves, but they don't care because other people's opinions don't matter much to them.

** If you grew up in a highly critical environment, that can cause major havoc with your self-esteem as well.

I really that advice, as well. People are going to judge and criticize you anyway, why make your own life a living hell trying to please them? Who are they, anyway?

I'm not saying go out in public all the time dressed like a pig and never shower - but you don't have to impress everybody else on the planet, there's no obligation for you to do so.

Obligation, perhaps not. Required? Perhaps.

I think you've already made it clear with not dressing as a pig and not showering, but I kind of want to expand a bit on it. Sometimes, we do have to put a bit of polish on ourselves and do that extra mile. For most part, it can show that you can show others that you can do what you can do - for example, showing why you deserve to be hired on a job interview, that sort of thing. To build strong relationships, you need to make a bit of room to accommodate others.

To be frank, sometimes I don't like it that much when people don't give much care to what other people think. To clarify, I'm not pointing this towards you, or anyone here, but many folks, especially in the internet, do use the idea of not caring about what others think to get a free pass and do and say anything they like, and be an arse to many when doing so. There are exceptions, when you have to make a stand for some things, maybe important or maybe mundane, but in the end it's a matter of giving a bit of respect and space most of the time. To me, respect is not earned, nor is it given... more like respect others as you respect yourself.

Methinks I went off in a whole different direction. Still, I think this could be connected to the whole confidence thing. Confidence is for you and for others. One must learn how to connect with external factors, such as people, if they want to improve themselves in all aspects.

Also, geez... why am I being so serious lately? TENTACLES! IA! IA!

["Gentleman" AJ Powell]

I never have this problem, as I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum, being over confident. I was always the small kid at school who'd pick a fight with the biggest kid, ask out the pretty girls.

And some times it'd work, others it doesn't. Gotta learn to pick yourself up, dust yourself off (Literally sometimes) and keep at it.

[Deleted]

Jan 18, 2013 13:42:42 GMT -5 Non Banjoble Tokens said:

Jan 18, 2013 13:33:22 GMT -5 @milkomania said:

Confidence is the wrong word. You can't fake what you don't have. It's like saying "Just be rich" when you don't have any money. Same thing with "just be yourself"- especially if you hate yourself. If you hate the person you are, why would you market it to anyone else?
Honestly, I think the only way to attract others is by accident on your journey to make yourself likable enough for you to stand.

???That made more sense in my head, I swear...

Well, here there pretty lady. I don't know if you knew this or not, but in some east Indian countries, I'm worth two goats and a case of expired Yoohoo.

Banjo, Old Boy, don't sell yourself short. You're worth a case of Yoohoo that has one day left before it expires

[HMARK Center]

Count me in with "we DO have to think about what others think" as a philosophy to keep in mind.

There's a line between obsessing over what others think about you, desperately seeking attention/approval from them, and simply being aware of what they might think and saying "I'm part of a society, I can respect what others might find more acceptable." The example brought up before was to be hygienic; doing so isn't just good for the individual, but it's a considerate way to tell society "I won't sit next to you on the train and reek like a gym bag." Another is dressing properly for work; maybe it's not the way YOU want to dress most of the time, and maybe you're not interested in putting on a "business" image, but if the job is interested in projecting such an image, it isn't asking much to accommodate that.

Another problem here is that a lot of people here are framing confidence in terms of getting members of the opposite sex to be attracted to you. That's missing the forest for the trees.

If you base your confidence around eliciting attraction, then you're building a faulty foundation; a sense of confidence has come from within, and not developed to appeal to others. Otherwise, it comes off as phony, like "I'm not this self-assured, but if it'll get you to sleep with me/go on a date with me then I'll give it a shot." It's a false veneer.

Worse, it goes back to people wanting to get something in return for what they feel they "offer" members of the opposite sex. Confidence building is a much more personal thing, which has to be developed from within, and go down to a person's very core. You don't get that when your first thought is "I won't get laid/get a girlfriend/etc. unless I look more confident in myself!"

Deal with the reality that such a process takes real time and commitment, and for awhile it feels as if it doesn't offer much in return. Very few constructive processes do in the short-term, they're about long-term benefits.