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Post by Djm Doesn't Find You Funny on Jan 15, 2013 21:06:28 GMT -5
You've heard that before. Haven't you, FAN collective?
There are always threads on forums like this about guys having problems with women. Many of us have them. Many of us have no real way to look for advice on what to do.
Without fail, there will always be someone that will say "Just be confident" or some variant. I've always found this to be a generally empty bit of advice, and a cop-out at worst.
Having confidence is f***ING HARD!!! If it were easy, there would be no threads on any forum about having any kinds of issues like that. It's not an on/off switch. Lots of people have self-esteem issues that go way, way deep and don't really have a quick fix. Furthermore, how many of us have something or someone that causes to have our confidence shattered? Rejection sucks. Rejection hurts. And it's not nearly as easy to bounce back up for people as you may think.
So, the question, gentlemen, ladies and fappers alike, is this.
It's easy to say "Just have confidence".
The question I pose to you is...how does one GAIN confidence? And keep it?
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JDviant
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Post by JDviant on Jan 15, 2013 21:08:45 GMT -5
It never worked for me, because I was confident - in my own shortcomings. and dammit, its very hard to get me to change my mind. But we all have something we can be proud of, just have to focus on that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2013 21:10:53 GMT -5
I've never heard this before, but known people who have said it.
But I have heard a variation in "just move your hips" when someone was trying to teach me to dance.
Okay, dancing requires instructions - not just "okay, see what I'm doing - do this." When someone sits down and shows you the actual steps behind it, its much easier.
About confidence - "just be confident" is a nice way of saying "feel less."
The biggest part of having confidence is not giving a shit (good or bad) what people think/say about you.
Once you do that, you'll have confidence. Rejection doesn't hurt - it's just words people say - it means nothing, like every compliment or insult from people.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2013 21:12:35 GMT -5
You gain confidence by trying, failing, and then trying again until you succeed.
If you can brush off getting rejected or getting dumped, retaining your optimism in spite of it, then you realize that it doesn't hold power over you. Once you realize that, you'll have more confidence.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2013 21:12:36 GMT -5
Confidence is just being sure of ones self pretty much IMO and I don't mean in that "everything I do is awesome kind of way"..just that even if you know you will probably look like an ass , you will do it anyway.
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Post by HMARK Center on Jan 15, 2013 21:18:00 GMT -5
It's the only answer, but there's multiple ways to arrive at it. There's no such thing as a "one style suits all" sense of confidence.
Three good methods I can think of off the top of my head:
-Self-reflection and meditation, or failing that, a trip to see a therapist to talk over some things. All human beings have failings, shortcomings, fears, hangups, and mitigating factors that keep us from feeling entirely comfortable in our own skins. Those don't just vanish; some can be dealt with and eliminated, but others linger forever, and simply have to be confronted and lived with, but in a healthy, mature way.
-Engaging your skills or hobbies in creative, constructive ways. Are you a decent writer? Commit to writing every day, building up to something simple, like writing a blog or submitting to a favorite website, maybe even building up to attempt to write a book or what have you. Enjoy a kind of music? Make a club for people who do, online or otherwise. Get a kick out of helping people? Make time to volunteer. If these are things you enjoy and are at least pretty good at, you can improve at them and do something interesting with them.
-Self-improvement. The first two tie into this, but if there's something you feel that's lacking about yourself, make a plan to fix it. If you get angry too often, work on calming techniques. If you're not at your ideal body weight, try changing up your diet/exercise routines a bit. If you have other flaws, recognize them, work at fixing them, but make peace with knowing you won't always fix every little thing that you feel is a flaw of yours.
Finally, make peace with the knowledge that no matter how much you might improve, how hard you might work...you'll still get rejected. You'll get rejected by the girl/guy you like. You'll get rejected by your first choice college. You'll get rejected by the job you wanted. You'll get rejected by the publishing house you submitted your book to. You'll get rejected by a theater group.
But sometimes you won't. And that's pretty awesome when that's the case.
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Post by Djm Doesn't Find You Funny on Jan 15, 2013 22:05:18 GMT -5
But sometimes you won't. And that's pretty awesome when that's the case. See, here's the issue. And I want to say that you guys are all awesome with your answers, but just one question. What if that one time has no sign of coming? What if you're 0 for 87,316? Of course, I get the point that self-improvement is a never-ending process, but what happens when all the changes, all the introspection, all the work goes nowhere?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2013 22:40:29 GMT -5
But sometimes you won't. And that's pretty awesome when that's the case. See, here's the issue. And I want to say that you guys are all awesome with your answers, but just one question. What if that one time has no sign of coming? What if you're 0 for 87,316? Of course, I get the point that self-improvement is a never-ending process, but what happens when all the changes, all the introspection, all the work goes nowhere? Try something else. It's not just confidence you need. It's knowing that you are worth certain things, that you demand certain things. It's knowing that you aren't going to settle just because it's all that's being offered right now because you're worth better than that. So, real world example from a woman's perspective: I had an ex who was interested in getting back together. At the time, I was with him despite a drug habit he had, and we eventually broke up indirectly because of it. When he contacted me again a few years later, I had grown and was more confident and assertive. I told him, "Sure.. when you stop spending all your time doing drugs" Just because he was my only option *at that moment* didn't mean he was my only option *ever* and I didn't need to settle for somebody with deal-breaking habits. Not all situations are that clear, of course. But confidence is more than just not caring what people say, because you *do* need to care, you just need to know which people are worth listening to. Gather up your female friends, and even some of your close male friends. get your sisters, if you have them, and talk to all of them separately. Ask them to give you feedback. How do you look? How do you smell? Are you funny? What are your high-points? What are some negative things about you? Get a real sense of who you are, and also get an idea of an outsider's perspective on you. Do you have habits that make you come off as creepy to the opposite sex? Is your dress-style out of date or does it make you look slouchy? What things do you not like about yourself? What habits do you wish you could break? What things do you think are best about yourself? Do you have nice eyes? Do you have shirts that compliment them? As far as actually going out and meeting people, try something new. Start talking to new people. Ask your friends if they know anybody you might get along with. Lower your expectations; not every meeting needs to be a date, and not every female needs to be a potential lover. Just go to have fun. Start taking classes for something you'd like to do. And, most importantly, take it one day at a time.
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Post by Orange on Jan 15, 2013 23:44:50 GMT -5
-Self-reflection and meditation, or failing that, a trip to see a therapist to talk over some things. All human beings have failings, shortcomings, fears, hangups, and mitigating factors that keep us from feeling entirely comfortable in our own skins. Those don't just vanish; some can be dealt with and eliminated, but others linger forever, and simply have to be confronted and lived with, but in a healthy, mature way. That's the most important hing a person can do for themselves - and it's something I've had to do lately. Take a look in the mirror - see that person? Find out who that person is - REALLY get to know yourself. Face every single one of your fears and analyze your past. Low self-esteem doesn't just appear - it has its roots inside of you - and it's up to you to find out where it stems from. Past then, work on patching up those holes no matter what they be - find out why it is you have low self-esteem and work on improving it. Everybody can improve their self-esteem, but you have to know yourself in order to do it. You can't expect to fix a problem when you don't know what it is - and you can't fix yourself if you don't know yourself. It's not an easy thing to do, it's actually one of the hardest things you can do for yourself - but the end result is worth it. That's just been my process so far - I got tired of dealing with low self-esteem stemming from bullies throughout school, and I finally decided that I wasn't going to be able to accomplish anything if I constantly let them hold me back. Of course, you don't do yourself any favors, either - but that's part of analyzing yourself so you can find the problem and fix it. But after years and years of self-loathing, I realized that my goals were not obtainable at the confidence level I was operating at. I had to learn to finally take the compliments that I always shrugged off, and I had to really find out what my good qualities were. Everybody's got them, but when you don't feel confident in yourself it's very easy to convince yourself that you're good for nothin' and you have no redeeming qualities as a human being at all. It's a sucky way to live, and I hope that everybody that's reading this, including you, OP, can go through this process of self-reflection and come out better for it on the other side. It's really the best thing you can do for yourself from a psychological standpoint. I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'm doing better confidence wise than I ever have been. I've finally adapted the mindset that "ya know, I am who I am - people can either take it or leave it, either way, I'm good" and it's a powerful feeling. I never would've thought that I could feel that way - but thanks to some outstanding advice from family members and my own self-reflection, I'm finally getting to a healthy confidence level and I'm finally feeling good about myself.
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Post by Andrew is Good on Jan 15, 2013 23:59:25 GMT -5
Get confident, stupid. That's what Troy McClure told me. Umm, honestly, it may never come. Self improvement helps a bit, but I've gotten in much better shape, but I'm still a little awkward talking to women for instance, and I'm 26. It's disgusting. One girl I dated for a bit thought it was cute, and that really helped my confidence because it made me realize that there are benefits to being quirky and awkward and some people actually find it endearing. Basically, there is no easy fix. It develops overtime. You practice at something, and then eventually, you get confident in your abilities and it becomes second nature. I'm getting a bit better at talking to people and being confident, but it's tough. Though, one quick fix is to fix your posture, and keep your head up. It's supposed to help with testosterone levels in the body, there was a podcast on it from the folks at How Stuff Works.com. itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-to-blow-your-mind/id350359306It's the New Years Life Hacks episode, where it's discussed, so that I'm not completely crazy. Basically, you know, if you want to fake it and try to boost yourself temporarily. But yeah, I guess I'm of the opinion now that some people just have a certain type of personality that makes it very difficult for them to be confident, and one has to accept their limitations and work within that system.
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agent817
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Post by agent817 on Jan 16, 2013 0:28:35 GMT -5
In my opinion, it's easier said than done. I am confident when it comes to doing things I like but not when it comes to the ladies. Part of the reason I am so insecure when it comes to ladies is because I read too many threads on sex/romance forums and that messes with my mind to the point where I can't decide on what to think.
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Blindkarevik
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Post by Blindkarevik on Jan 16, 2013 19:48:59 GMT -5
I do like the fact that it seems like an avenue you just haven't tried...
Like you can all of a sudden say and believe, "GOD f*** I'M AWESOME!"
Honestly, the only way I have had confidence is either a long period where I happened to go relatively fail-free, or by complete accident.
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Sam Punk
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Post by Sam Punk on Jan 16, 2013 20:07:32 GMT -5
Very true.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2013 20:17:25 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2013 20:52:37 GMT -5
Yeah, I gave up and just resigned to the fact that nobody would ever want me. I would discuss this with my friends, but I don't have any.
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Post by "The Bantam" Rob Boss on Jan 16, 2013 21:18:01 GMT -5
Honestly, most confident people with regards to women have a reason to feel confident - they're almost always good looking and / or appeal to their sylistic preference.
For all the advice... all the suggestions - for the overwhelming majority of men and women, looks and physical appearance are what matter. We can deny it all we want, men usually get pulled up for it whereas women tend to disguise that it's their chief movitational factor but I have come to accept that this is what truly counts. I have found myself much less... worried... about these things since I now realise what I have to change about me, and these things - being overweight for example - can be fixed a lot easier than fixing one's personality.
Take heart and rejoice that your despair at your personality or lack of confidence (as being obstacles to meeting someone) are over-ridden by how you look. Is it a magical answer? Of course not. Does it suck we live in such a world. Absolutely. You have to recognise that we are socialised to accept certain patterns of beauty and attractiveness, and we as human beings, mainly draw judgment on first impressions or how we appear. Know your target audience, dress to impress etc. and you'll have a lot more luck with the opposite sex than trying to generate a faux-confidence that just repeatedly fails with women.
Sorry if that makes absolutely no sense, just my two pennies' worth.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2013 21:35:07 GMT -5
Realize exactly who and what you are, and what you stand for, and either take pride in it or do your damndest to fix it if you don't like it. Doing what you know needs to be done, and doing it well day in and day out yields confidence. Real confidence, not just kind of being a dick, which is what people mean when they tell you to act confident.
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Jan 16, 2013 21:42:02 GMT -5
It is knowing that you are worth something. For instance, if you were to try to court a young lass from the far off east Indian village of Klappucattumangadu, what would her father give you in exchange for his daughter? I, for one, am worth two and a half goats. The problem is, after you've cut the goat in half, it's pretty much useless. So they usually round it down to just two goats instead of going up to three. They are extremely picky about their goats. Although they did throw in some expired bottles of Yoohoo with goats. I'm not really sure if I was supposed to feed the goats the Yoohoo or what, but I just ended up drinking them myself. The goats both died and since I have idea how to prepare goat to eat, my Klappucattumangadutian wife left me and, as is customary in their country, the father attempted to hunt me down and cut off my head. Luckily, my travel agent got me out of there in time. Last time I try to book a discount vacation through craigs list.
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Sam Punk
Hank Scorpio
Own Nothing, Be Happy
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Post by Sam Punk on Jan 18, 2013 8:27:31 GMT -5
Remember: Never put women on a pedestal.
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Post by aka Cthulhu on Jan 18, 2013 9:18:35 GMT -5
True.. Confidence is a hard thing to achieve. For starters, it's not easy to grasp what being confident means. You could say that it's not being afraid of what people think, or you could also define it as being more assertive with yourself, or something as simple as taking action. It could vary from one person to another, but perhaps at the root of it all the one thing you require is finding the time to understand yourself, the good and the bad.
Change is never easy, and you really have to acknowledge both the good and the bad in yourself. HMark has brought up many good points, as did several others in this thread.
If I have to add something, I'd say that along with meditation, a person would need some time to exercise. Health can be taken for granted sometimes, but remember that weakening your body lessens the efficiency in your thoughts. Even a bit of walking can keep both the mind and body sharp, even by a little bit.
Aside from that, don't eat too much if you have to get some work done immediately, and don't get drunk when feeling down. I'm also being too serious lately, so BOOBS, TENTACLES, SHOGGOTHS!
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