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Post by CATCH_US IS the Conversation on Sept 13, 2015 16:38:51 GMT -5
So. I've hit a snag in my relationship. Could use some advice. Me and the guy I've been with, who I was starting to consider to be my boyfriend, have been seeing each other for about a month now. So far, things have been good. But on Friday night, we were at his place, becoming more intimate (I don't have to draw you a picture; you know what I was going for)...when he stops, and says that he needs time to think about our relationship, because I'm bisexual, and he's never dated a bi guy before. He asked me why, if I'm bisexual, I don't "choose" to be straight, since it makes life easier and I could meet a girl, get married, and have kids, which is what my parents would probably want. He then asked what it is that bisexuals want when they date guys. I tried to explain that it's not a matter of "choice;" I consider myself attracted to individuals, not genders, and that just because something is "easier" or more likely to be approved by my family, doesn't necessarily mean it's what I want for my life in order to be happy. I then countered by asking what gay and straight people want when they date. When he said, "to find true love, I guess," I tried to say that bis were no different. I controlled myself and was tolerant and understanding when I left last night, and he seemed to want to still keep seeing me sometime soon. He also texted me yesterday to check in on me, which is usual for us. But now that I've had time to think about it...I'm hurt and angry.7 I thought I wouldn't have to run into biphobia with him. He knew from the beginning what I was, and yet it's coming up now, and it never gets easier to deal with. I hate it when people think I'm some promiscuous whore who's going to drop my SO for someone of the other sex at the drop of the hat. Look at the Ashley Madison scandal and tell me how great straight people are at keeping it in their pants. Hell, sometimes I wish I WERE capable of being promiscuous; at least then, I might not feel so alone. And the topic of parental approval is just something that bothers me even more. He himself is not out to his parents yet; they don't know he's gay. He should know what it's like to be afraid of disappointing one's parents. One of my biggest struggles in coming out was having to tell my own folks, and them being disappointed that they were losing the chance that I'd dutifully sire their grandbabies for them. That's one of the reasons why I'm attracted to him: I felt that we had an important thing in common that we could both relate to. And now he makes it sound like I could simply choose to be straight at the turn of a switch, and everything in my life will be easy-peasy. I want time to cool down. And then, after I do, I'm thinking of having a long, honest talk with him where I explain about what it's like to be bi, arguments against biphobic myths, and be honest about the fact that, yes, what he said was kind of hurtful to me. I want to empathize with the fact that he's never dated a bi guy before, and that biphobia is a common knee-jerk reaction among both gay and straight people. But I just hate having to explain myself all the time just because of who I am. And I'm worried if this lack of trust will be a recurring thing, and if so, if I should just end things right now. *sigh* Welcome to the rest of my life as a bisexual, I guess. I don't think he's afraid that you'd sleep around. What he may really be afraid of is that you'd leave him to be with a woman if one made herself available to you. He does not think he'd be able to compete with the opposite sex for your affections if it came down to it.
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Legion
Fry's dog Seymour
Amy Pond's #1 fan
Hail Hydra!
Posts: 22,730
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Post by Legion on Sept 13, 2015 17:28:57 GMT -5
So. I've hit a snag in my relationship. Could use some advice. Me and the guy I've been with, who I was starting to consider to be my boyfriend, have been seeing each other for about a month now. So far, things have been good. But on Friday night, we were at his place, becoming more intimate (I don't have to draw you a picture; you know what I was going for)...when he stops, and says that he needs time to think about our relationship, because I'm bisexual, and he's never dated a bi guy before. He asked me why, if I'm bisexual, I don't "choose" to be straight, since it makes life easier and I could meet a girl, get married, and have kids, which is what my parents would probably want. He then asked what it is that bisexuals want when they date guys. I tried to explain that it's not a matter of "choice;" I consider myself attracted to individuals, not genders, and that just because something is "easier" or more likely to be approved by my family, doesn't necessarily mean it's what I want for my life in order to be happy. I then countered by asking what gay and straight people want when they date. When he said, "to find true love, I guess," I tried to say that bis were no different. I controlled myself and was tolerant and understanding when I left last night, and he seemed to want to still keep seeing me sometime soon. He also texted me yesterday to check in on me, which is usual for us. But now that I've had time to think about it...I'm hurt and angry. I thought I wouldn't have to run into biphobia with him. He knew from the beginning what I was, and yet it's coming up now, and it never gets easier to deal with. I hate it when people think I'm some promiscuous whore who's going to drop my SO for someone of the other sex at the drop of the hat. Look at the Ashley Madison scandal and tell me how great straight people are at keeping it in their pants. Hell, sometimes I wish I WERE capable of being promiscuous; at least then, I might not feel so alone. And the topic of parental approval is just something that bothers me even more. He himself is not out to his parents yet; they don't know he's gay. He should know what it's like to be afraid of disappointing one's parents. One of my biggest struggles in coming out was having to tell my own folks, and them being disappointed that they were losing the chance that I'd dutifully sire their grandbabies for them. That's one of the reasons why I'm attracted to him: I felt that we had an important thing in common that we could both relate to. And now he makes it sound like I could simply choose to be straight at the turn of a switch, and everything in my life will be easy-peasy. I want time to cool down. And then, after I do, I'm thinking of having a long, honest talk with him where I explain about what it's like to be bi, arguments against biphobic myths, and be honest about the fact that, yes, what he said was kind of hurtful to me. I want to empathize with the fact that he's never dated a bi guy before, and that biphobia is a common knee-jerk reaction among both gay and straight people. But I just hate having to explain myself all the time just because of who I am. And I'm worried if this lack of trust will be a recurring thing, and if so, if I should just end things right now. *sigh* Welcome to the rest of my life as a bisexual, I guess. This does sound like a crappy situation, but before you go down the route of trying to educate him or whatever, consider how he feels. You know he isn't out, so he hasn't dealt with a whole lot of pent up feelings and issues that come with being out. He then comes across you and you hit it off and everything is working out, but then he has to deal with the fact that you kinda get things both ways. If you did want to, you could have a child and equally, tomorrow, you could meet a girl and settle down and have the grand babies and make you parents happy and all that. He cannot do that. He knows that when eventually he comes out to his parents however supportive they may be, barring science and surrogates, they will never get grandchildren from him and so he will have always disappointed them. That doesnt take away from your feelings for either sex, nor is it actually biphobic, it's just indicating that the reality of being bi does mean you get a bit more 'choice' than someone who is only in to one sex in that you have a wider pool of people to choose from. When you eventually find someone you want to settle down with, if you are going to be monogamous, then if you wanted the easier option you could move around various people until you find a female and can then have the easier life he obviously has his own hang ups about not being able to have. I'm guessing you are both quite young, and so issue of trust and understanding levels of relationships may not be as far along for him as you. I can see where you are coming from and why you are angry, but equally, before you get on a martyr kick (and I do mean that without offence), think about things from his point of view. Being concerned about where a relationship is going only natural, and when you're in his situation (not out, not aware of where his family will fall in terms of support and seemingly, somewhat in the self hating gay category of still viewing gay life as a struggle) it's even harder. Certainly, you do need to have a serious talk with him, but you are going to need to do that from a place of helping him to understand, while equally trying to understand him, and not from a place of recrimination and victimisation. That way a break up lay.
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Post by Alexander The So-so on Sept 13, 2015 19:21:03 GMT -5
So. I've hit a snag in my relationship. Could use some advice. Me and the guy I've been with, who I was starting to consider to be my boyfriend, have been seeing each other for about a month now. So far, things have been good. But on Friday night, we were at his place, becoming more intimate (I don't have to draw you a picture; you know what I was going for)...when he stops, and says that he needs time to think about our relationship, because I'm bisexual, and he's never dated a bi guy before. He asked me why, if I'm bisexual, I don't "choose" to be straight, since it makes life easier and I could meet a girl, get married, and have kids, which is what my parents would probably want. He then asked what it is that bisexuals want when they date guys. I tried to explain that it's not a matter of "choice;" I consider myself attracted to individuals, not genders, and that just because something is "easier" or more likely to be approved by my family, doesn't necessarily mean it's what I want for my life in order to be happy. I then countered by asking what gay and straight people want when they date. When he said, "to find true love, I guess," I tried to say that bis were no different. I controlled myself and was tolerant and understanding when I left last night, and he seemed to want to still keep seeing me sometime soon. He also texted me yesterday to check in on me, which is usual for us. But now that I've had time to think about it...I'm hurt and angry. I thought I wouldn't have to run into biphobia with him. He knew from the beginning what I was, and yet it's coming up now, and it never gets easier to deal with. I hate it when people think I'm some promiscuous whore who's going to drop my SO for someone of the other sex at the drop of the hat. Look at the Ashley Madison scandal and tell me how great straight people are at keeping it in their pants. Hell, sometimes I wish I WERE capable of being promiscuous; at least then, I might not feel so alone. And the topic of parental approval is just something that bothers me even more. He himself is not out to his parents yet; they don't know he's gay. He should know what it's like to be afraid of disappointing one's parents. One of my biggest struggles in coming out was having to tell my own folks, and them being disappointed that they were losing the chance that I'd dutifully sire their grandbabies for them. That's one of the reasons why I'm attracted to him: I felt that we had an important thing in common that we could both relate to. And now he makes it sound like I could simply choose to be straight at the turn of a switch, and everything in my life will be easy-peasy. I want time to cool down. And then, after I do, I'm thinking of having a long, honest talk with him where I explain about what it's like to be bi, arguments against biphobic myths, and be honest about the fact that, yes, what he said was kind of hurtful to me. I want to empathize with the fact that he's never dated a bi guy before, and that biphobia is a common knee-jerk reaction among both gay and straight people. But I just hate having to explain myself all the time just because of who I am. And I'm worried if this lack of trust will be a recurring thing, and if so, if I should just end things right now. *sigh* Welcome to the rest of my life as a bisexual, I guess. This does sound like a crappy situation, but before you go down the route of trying to educate him or whatever, consider how he feels. You know he isn't out, so he hasn't dealt with a whole lot of pent up feelings and issues that come with being out. He then comes across you and you hit it off and everything is working out, but then he has to deal with the fact that you kinda get things both ways. If you did want to, you could have a child and equally, tomorrow, you could meet a girl and settle down and have the grand babies and make you parents happy and all that. He cannot do that. He knows that when eventually he comes out to his parents however supportive they may be, barring science and surrogates, they will never get grandchildren from him and so he will have always disappointed them. That doesnt take away from your feelings for either sex, nor is it actually biphobic, it's just indicating that the reality of being bi does mean you get a bit more 'choice' than someone who is only in to one sex in that you have a wider pool of people to choose from. When you eventually find someone you want to settle down with, if you are going to be monogamous, then if you wanted the easier option you could move around various people until you find a female and can then have the easier life he obviously has his own hang ups about not being able to have. I'm guessing you are both quite young, and so issue of trust and understanding levels of relationships may not be as far along for him as you. I can see where you are coming from and why you are angry, but equally, before you get on a martyr kick (and I do mean that without offence), think about things from his point of view. Being concerned about where a relationship is going only natural, and when you're in his situation (not out, not aware of where his family will fall in terms of support and seemingly, somewhat in the self hating gay category of still viewing gay life as a struggle) it's even harder. Certainly, you do need to have a serious talk with him, but you are going to need to do that from a place of helping him to understand, while equally trying to understand him, and not from a place of recrimination and victimisation. That way a break up lay. This is very insightful advice. Thanks. It's a long road ahead, I guess.
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LuciCypher
Don Corleone
"She Read About People She Could Never Be On Adventures She Would Never Have"
Posts: 1,326
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Post by LuciCypher on Feb 11, 2016 23:02:37 GMT -5
So, I guess this belongs here hope it's okay to necro bump this. But,I'm really annoyed by people sharing transphobic memes while posting how they openly crush on Ruby Rose.
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Post by Alyce: Old Media Enthusiast on Apr 5, 2016 14:48:23 GMT -5
Bumping this because I just realized it's been two years since I came out here, and honestly I still consider it the best decision I've made
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Legion
Fry's dog Seymour
Amy Pond's #1 fan
Hail Hydra!
Posts: 22,730
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Post by Legion on Apr 5, 2016 15:01:35 GMT -5
It's also some what apt to see it rise from the depths, given that the 'founder' of the Gay Community?! is now #1 contender
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Post by fuzzywarble, squat cobbler on Apr 5, 2016 16:12:24 GMT -5
I've never posted in this thread (I'm not gay), but just thought I'd pop in to say 'hi' and that I respect people for coming out.
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Post by slappy on Apr 6, 2016 1:49:21 GMT -5
My identity is so messed up. I don't even know anymore.
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Post by cageking666 on Apr 6, 2016 2:05:06 GMT -5
Still No Bears
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Post by Alyce: Old Media Enthusiast on Apr 6, 2016 12:42:58 GMT -5
My identity is so messed up. I don't even know anymore. I know that feeling a lot. A lot of times I don't really know what the hell I am, but lately I think I've been in a better mindset.
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Post by slappy on Apr 6, 2016 13:06:41 GMT -5
My identity is so messed up. I don't even know anymore. I know that feeling a lot. A lot of times I don't really know what the hell I am, but lately I think I've been in a better mindset. I've been identifying as transgender (mtf) but I don't know. I imagine myself as a woman, I like when people call me by female pronouns but surgery isn't an option as it's too expensive. Also, I don't feel that much dysphoria. So I don't know where I fit in. Am I even really transgender? I've pretty much nailed down my sexual orientation though to asexual.
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Post by ben:friendship frog on Apr 6, 2016 14:58:06 GMT -5
So. I've hit a snag in my relationship. Could use some advice. Me and the guy I've been with, who I was starting to consider to be my boyfriend, have been seeing each other for about a month now. So far, things have been good. But on Friday night, we were at his place, becoming more intimate (I don't have to draw you a picture; you know what I was going for)...when he stops, and says that he needs time to think about our relationship, because I'm bisexual, and he's never dated a bi guy before. He asked me why, if I'm bisexual, I don't "choose" to be straight, since it makes life easier and I could meet a girl, get married, and have kids, which is what my parents would probably want. He then asked what it is that bisexuals want when they date guys. I tried to explain that it's not a matter of "choice;" I consider myself attracted to individuals, not genders, and that just because something is "easier" or more likely to be approved by my family, doesn't necessarily mean it's what I want for my life in order to be happy. I then countered by asking what gay and straight people want when they date. When he said, "to find true love, I guess," I tried to say that bis were no different. I controlled myself and was tolerant and understanding when I left last night, and he seemed to want to still keep seeing me sometime soon. He also texted me yesterday to check in on me, which is usual for us. But now that I've had time to think about it...I'm hurt and angry. I thought I wouldn't have to run into biphobia with him. He knew from the beginning what I was, and yet it's coming up now, and it never gets easier to deal with. I hate it when people think I'm some promiscuous whore who's going to drop my SO for someone of the other sex at the drop of the hat. Look at the Ashley Madison scandal and tell me how great straight people are at keeping it in their pants. Hell, sometimes I wish I WERE capable of being promiscuous; at least then, I might not feel so alone. And the topic of parental approval is just something that bothers me even more. He himself is not out to his parents yet; they don't know he's gay. He should know what it's like to be afraid of disappointing one's parents. One of my biggest struggles in coming out was having to tell my own folks, and them being disappointed that they were losing the chance that I'd dutifully sire their grandbabies for them. That's one of the reasons why I'm attracted to him: I felt that we had an important thing in common that we could both relate to. And now he makes it sound like I could simply choose to be straight at the turn of a switch, and everything in my life will be easy-peasy. I want time to cool down. And then, after I do, I'm thinking of having a long, honest talk with him where I explain about what it's like to be bi, arguments against biphobic myths, and be honest about the fact that, yes, what he said was kind of hurtful to me. I want to empathize with the fact that he's never dated a bi guy before, and that biphobia is a common knee-jerk reaction among both gay and straight people. But I just hate having to explain myself all the time just because of who I am. And I'm worried if this lack of trust will be a recurring thing, and if so, if I should just end things right now. *sigh* Welcome to the rest of my life as a bisexual, I guess. How did this work out in the end? Reason I ask is I went through the exact same thing about 5 years ago, the guy I was seeing (who I'd known for about 5 years previous to this but only just started dating) assumed that I'd be a big cheat because of my sexuality. It was my first experience with biphobia and while his fears were initially settled the tension built and I basically ended up in an abusive relationship for over 2 years, with war wounds I still carry to this day and a mangled finger that will never be fixed. I never cheated, but he did, alot. I've not really dated much since but recently I've started trying again and my god women are even more of a headache than men as far as messing people about haha.
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Post by slappy on Jun 26, 2016 12:12:16 GMT -5
1: Before hormones 2: A little more than a year on hormones
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 13:56:52 GMT -5
1: Before hormones 2: A little more than a year on hormones You look great .
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Post by slappy on Jun 26, 2016 15:54:34 GMT -5
You look great . Thank you.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2016 5:08:23 GMT -5
there's a pride parade today in the capital of Finland. and they've been celebrating it for the whole week there. I actually was in Helsinki last week, and there was a lot of rainbow flags and Pride advertisement around, as well as public companies showing support for the cause. But, when i go check the comments in facebook and news sites, it's fil,led with negative comments like "is there no stop to this homoinvation?" and "i'm gonna boycott these companies, for showing support to this"
This makes me really sad, and in all honesty, makes me want to stay deep in the closet. Sure, it's not as bad as in some other countries, but it's still a really pressing issue, that affects me and many others.
I just want to be free.
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Post by Long A, Short A on Jul 2, 2016 18:00:46 GMT -5
You look great . Thank you. How are you feeling?(if you want to share)
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Post by slappy on Jul 2, 2016 19:16:07 GMT -5
Thank you. How are you feeling?(if you want to share) Like a million bucks that has been set on fire. Dysphoria is hell. I second guess the transition at times. I'm still afraid to go out in public dressed up. I'm only on Estradiol because both testosterone blockers I've been prescribed have had bad reactions with my body. I'm so glad my face is changing. I'm being called by female pronouns by strangers and it's great. TMI below {Spoiler}I don't get erections anymore. Which I'm grateful for. But I still have a penis and testicles which cause a great deal of dysphoria. Sadly, I don't have the money to do anything about it. The good is generally outweighed by the dysphoria and my mental health issues.
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Post by Alexander The So-so on Jul 17, 2016 15:49:51 GMT -5
So. I've hit a snag in my relationship. Could use some advice. Me and the guy I've been with, who I was starting to consider to be my boyfriend, have been seeing each other for about a month now. So far, things have been good. But on Friday night, we were at his place, becoming more intimate (I don't have to draw you a picture; you know what I was going for)...when he stops, and says that he needs time to think about our relationship, because I'm bisexual, and he's never dated a bi guy before. He asked me why, if I'm bisexual, I don't "choose" to be straight, since it makes life easier and I could meet a girl, get married, and have kids, which is what my parents would probably want. He then asked what it is that bisexuals want when they date guys. I tried to explain that it's not a matter of "choice;" I consider myself attracted to individuals, not genders, and that just because something is "easier" or more likely to be approved by my family, doesn't necessarily mean it's what I want for my life in order to be happy. I then countered by asking what gay and straight people want when they date. When he said, "to find true love, I guess," I tried to say that bis were no different. I controlled myself and was tolerant and understanding when I left last night, and he seemed to want to still keep seeing me sometime soon. He also texted me yesterday to check in on me, which is usual for us. But now that I've had time to think about it...I'm hurt and angry. I thought I wouldn't have to run into biphobia with him. He knew from the beginning what I was, and yet it's coming up now, and it never gets easier to deal with. I hate it when people think I'm some promiscuous whore who's going to drop my SO for someone of the other sex at the drop of the hat. Look at the Ashley Madison scandal and tell me how great straight people are at keeping it in their pants. Hell, sometimes I wish I WERE capable of being promiscuous; at least then, I might not feel so alone. And the topic of parental approval is just something that bothers me even more. He himself is not out to his parents yet; they don't know he's gay. He should know what it's like to be afraid of disappointing one's parents. One of my biggest struggles in coming out was having to tell my own folks, and them being disappointed that they were losing the chance that I'd dutifully sire their grandbabies for them. That's one of the reasons why I'm attracted to him: I felt that we had an important thing in common that we could both relate to. And now he makes it sound like I could simply choose to be straight at the turn of a switch, and everything in my life will be easy-peasy. I want time to cool down. And then, after I do, I'm thinking of having a long, honest talk with him where I explain about what it's like to be bi, arguments against biphobic myths, and be honest about the fact that, yes, what he said was kind of hurtful to me. I want to empathize with the fact that he's never dated a bi guy before, and that biphobia is a common knee-jerk reaction among both gay and straight people. But I just hate having to explain myself all the time just because of who I am. And I'm worried if this lack of trust will be a recurring thing, and if so, if I should just end things right now. *sigh* Welcome to the rest of my life as a bisexual, I guess. How did this work out in the end? Reason I ask is I went through the exact same thing about 5 years ago, the guy I was seeing (who I'd known for about 5 years previous to this but only just started dating) assumed that I'd be a big cheat because of my sexuality. It was my first experience with biphobia and while his fears were initially settled the tension built and I basically ended up in an abusive relationship for over 2 years, with war wounds I still carry to this day and a mangled finger that will never be fixed. I never cheated, but he did, alot. I've not really dated much since but recently I've started trying again and my god women are even more of a headache than men as far as messing people about haha. Oh, he broke up with me last October. Largely my own fault, though: I was taking things too fast and too serious in our relationship. In fact, I'm willing to bet that the whole biphobia thing was just an excuse.
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Post by slappy on Aug 4, 2016 11:47:00 GMT -5
I now have a crush on Orlando Bloom.
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