The eight remaining would-be FAN idols were assembled backstage at the Rocco Rock Memorial FAN Omnitheater, located in an undisclosed venue somewhere deep in the heart of the Rocky Mountains. In front of a jam-packed crowd of respected FAN members, dignitaries representing the upper echelons of the music world, and the assembled judges of this, FAN Idol Season IX: Caged Tygers, the idols were to commit various rhythmic atrocities in the name of that most righteous of musical competitions, the Battle of the Bands. Presented with such a rigorous task at hand, the contestants were understandably nervous and filled with questions.
Gretchen Weiners: So, wait, does Prince own this stage? Look, last Season I was sued by that lunatic for using one of his songs without his permission. Damn subpeona was written in purple ink on a paisley piece of paper and I had to go to court wearing a purple leather jacket and a violet jean skirt. Prince kept playing "Pure Imagination" on a bass guitar that he kept calling Valerie.
Tyger: Oh no, this stage doesn't belong to his Purpleness. We received this venue from former WCW wrestler Prince Iaukea as a thank you for resolving his on-going litigation problems with the WCW boy band, 3 Count. You see, through no fault of his own, Mr. Iaukea disrupted the mating process between Sugar Shane Helms' Dwarf Cassowaries Hal and Carol. The Freakin' Awesome Network helped exonerate Mr. Iaukea with a crack squad of FAN Ornithologists and we received this unusually shaped stage in return. Happily, the Cassowaries were able to mate with great success.
Square (pacing back and forth): Ok, enough about those silly birds, let's talk about some real birds! I was told by my parole officer that there would be bucketfuls of sexy birds in the audience tonight. I refuse to compromise with my designs unless I know that I'll be able to ruffle some feathers after the show (finding some rather winsome ladies in the crowd, including punk attired WWE Diva A.J. Lee). If you can keep up with the flow of my conversation
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Gretchen (turning away and checking the acoustics of the stage with her guitar): Ugh, I'm glad I'm on the Gus team. The creeps. (looking at Square) I've got them.
Square, ignoring her, started to examine the poster that he designed for the coming Battle of the Bands:
Square: Hehheh, another slam dunk from Mr. 4-sides!
Orangeutan (groaning): Look Square, I'm glad those art lessons from Jeff Hardy are working out for you but I need your head in the game. We only have a couple of hours before the Battle of the Bands and Team Orange Dragon Plane needs all its members purring away like a finely tuned Trans-Am. Gene Simmons has this saying, right, that bands are like Corporations and all Corporations (gets interrupted by a high-pitched flute sound)... He said that Bands and Corporations need to worry about the Orange, I mean green... Hey, what are you doing Peg?
Pegasus Warrior (playing a strange wind instrument): Centering myself before the show. My spirit animal needs to roam a bit. Civilized life does not suit him.
With that, Pegasus Warrior performed a strange tribal dance as he played his wind instrument seemingly for his own benefit, imagining how it would move the audience's heart during the battle of the bands proper.
Cool as a cucumber, Knailsic Loves to Boogie started to tune his bass guitar. Taking time now to ensure that his strings were properly configured and that his notes were clear and true, Knailsic knew that performing to the best of his ability would be critical at this juncture in the competition. Remember your notes and... wait, what was he thinking? Right, remember your notes and follow through with the vision in the back of your mind that music is like life and life is best approached... what did Mr. B. Natural have scrawled on his bare chest? Knailsic noted his competitor's penchant for nudism and, while it was certainly something one had to adjust to, he noticed that any frivolity was missing now. Mr. B. Natural, bare and formidable, was someone to keep a close eye on.
Mr. B Natural, of course, counted on his performance to distract his competitors. He had suffered the ups and downs that are inherent in any given FAN Idol Season. A dangerous competitor, Natural relied on baring his musical soul in order to survive each successive Round. This Battle of the Bands, convoluted and difficult as it promised to be, was but another opportunity for him to exercise his formidable musical acumen. He surveyed his competitors in order to discern their strengths and weaknesses. He noted Gretchen nervously playing with her daggers and Canadian Mafia's accent coming to the forefront whenever he became stressed out by the proceedings. He made sure to note such characteristics, knowing that they gave him a naked picture of his competitor's thoughts and feelings.
Canadian Mafia fondled a guitar pick given to him by Alex Lifeson in his left pocket. Meeting with Toronto's resident musical don, Mafia was told that under no circumstances was he to mess up this opportunity. He was to win the Battle of the Bands not just for himself and not just for his team but for the neighborhood. In fact, if he didn't pull it off and ended up in the Sing-off, the local Canadian Dons told him not to even bother coming back. He wouldn't be whacked but he would be persona non grata in the eyes of the locals. No more Toronto scene for the young upstart if that were to happen. He'd have to find his fortune down south. Hell, everything would be going south if that were to happen. So, Mafia took a deep breath, rubbed the pick and promised himself that he was going to stand tall after this battle.
Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark kept to himself and meditated. He nibbled on a lush orange given to him by his competitor. Mind Games. Well, Gus thought, I will not be rattled. It's time to battle with notes and chords, wage war with microphones and guitar strings. Ever since Orange and himself helped to judge Season VIII of FAN Idol, there was a bit of a rivalry, a bit of a oneupmanship. These oranges were good but the musical beatdown his band was about to drop would show who the true Idol was.
In a few moments, the Battle was to begin. Knailsic strummed away on his bass. Square smirked. Natural breathed deep. Orange looked out into the crowd. Gretchen ran the notes through her head. Pegasus Warrior noted the lighting. Gus considered what they would play for the encore. Canadian Mafia soaked it all in.
The eight remaining competitors walked out on stage to a chorus of cheers from the assembled audience. They took up their instruments, ran through their set lists mentally, and looked at their competitors, opponents and teammates alike. And then it began.
Not the Doctor- Alanis Morissette (Grammy)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdG7DYopRkMYour Decision- Alice in Chains (Tour- 2010 Sonispheere Festival)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoFjfIRzRTIBig Shot- Billy Joel (Grammy)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHzoKwTzEuUMob Rules- Black Sabbath (with Dio & Vinny Appice) (Line-up)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cATPLk559XY50 Dollars and a Flask of Crown- Bleu Edmonson (Fighting)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCoJz6SndFcVindicated- Dashboard Confessional (Fame)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCPeX5DJzV4Bodies- Drowning Pool (Fighting)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=04F4xlWSFh0Darts of Pleasure- Franz Ferdinand (Opening Act)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDN3G6u3Og8Sister Midnight- Iggy Pop (Krautrock inspired) (Genre)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4iksr4RAvcLeave Me Alone- Michael Jackson (Fame)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=crbFmpezO4ABesides the Sea- Mountain (Live at Woodstock ’69)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jl6kAHO-cVcRun For Your Life- Robert Randolph (Pre-Fame)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F8PLsV2dVkLittle Trouble Girl- Sonic Youth (Different Genre “Wall of Sound”)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJWJcSTPNpMFrom Afar- Van Halen (Line-up)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=82DHZ7se2NEHalo (Beyonce Cover)- Von Smith (Opening for Lady Gaga)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTUgQFDkw4IMystery Girl- Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Opening Act)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=qD3mr1qAewo