I am really starting to lose it (update-page 2)

[Dr. T is an alien]

Alright, some of you might recall that I occasionally have to come on this forum to rant about the drama surrounding my step-son. To bring everyone up to speed, here is an abridged history:

1) I met my wife when the boy was still learning to walk, so I have been there for a very long time now.

2) His dad is one of those people who only views people for what he can get out of them. He thinks nothing of stealing from family and friends (or his own son). He spent much of the boy's life training him to be a drug dealer so he could use the kid to sell to underage kids, as well as teaching him to be a criminal in other ways.

3) The kid prefers to live with his dad, which is hard to do since his dad always kicks him out whenever he has no money or drugs to pay his dad for rent (even though he never owns the places he stays, so for him to charge rent is ass-backwards).

4) Since turning 18, the boy has mainly only been interested in getting high. Sometimes his drug of choice is pot, but in the past he has used crystal meth (thanks Breaking Bad for making it look glamorous to him). He managed to give a drug dealer the truck I bought him for his 18th birthday and spent a month in jail (including Christmas) to start the year off for getting caught with a joint. His PD got him a pre-trial arrangement, but he has to pay $750 or so in exchange for the arrangement.

5) He moved back in with us, but he really has not been a good housemate. He makes messes that he does not clean up, he harasses his siblings and his mother when they try to study or do homework (the siblings are in advanced classes and my wife is in nursing school), he messes with our cat (whom he hates, just because), eats as much as the rest of the family combined (seriously, our grocery bill literally doubles when he is staying with us), and he has refused to work for most of the time that he has been with us.

6) His mother managed to get him a job with a local construction company whose owner she knows. The guy likes to give young men who got into trouble a second chance at life. He does not work very often, but only because he often just decides that sleeping is more important than working. Seriously, in the last 4 weeks he has literally only worked 7 days and most of those days were days I basically dragged him to the worksite.

7) He got paid for the first time and disappeared for a day. He was already out of money two days later. He was supposed to start paying his court fees. He was supposed to pay some money for the vast amount of food he eats. The only remotely productive thing he bought was a used bicycle, but even that wound up being a bad thing because he insists on riding his bike to work rather than being taken there by me (he does not actually go to work). What did the money go for? He bought a smurf-load of pot. We know because we came across his stash.



Long story short, I am sick of his crap. I love the boy, but I thoroughly do not like him at this time. I have been letting my wife know how I feel about it all, and she apparently had started to think that I am getting to the point that I was about done with it all. She had a talk with him about that last week and let him know that she could tell that I was getting sick of it all and that his behavior was becoming a strain on her marriage and that she needed him to change his ways as she did not want him to be the cause of a divorce. Now, that was hyperbole on her part as divorce, separation, going on a break, etc. is not being considered, but she hoped to impress upon him that his behavior was having a severe effect on us.

What was his reaction to hearing that he has potentially pushed the man who stepped in to raise him 18 years ago to the brink? You know, the guy who currently works 2 jobs to provide for his cavernous appetite? One would hope that he would be like, "Maybe I should try to get back in his good graces", or "Whatever, it cannot be that bad". Either would be better than the "Oh, he is upset with me? Screw him then!" attitude he has taken with me. He has taken to refusing to acknowledge my presence. If I said something to him in the past week, he either ignored me or gave me a rude response.

My wife gave him an ultimatum this weekend; work full time, clean up after yourself, quit being a pest, be nice, and turn his paycheck over to us so we can ensure that he pays the things he is supposed to pay. She phrased it as his choice to either do things our way or find a new place to stay. His initial response was to say he was not going to do that, then spent the weekend taking off and coming home completely stoned. He initially refused to wake up this morning to go to work and then refused to let me take him to work. He insisted on riding his bike, but he did not actually go to work. He simply waited for me to leave for work so he could come back home and have the house to himself.

Now, to me things are pretty simple. When his mother told him to choose between doing things our way or he could not stay with us anymore he stated he was not doing things our way and then followed that up by not doing the things we told him to do. To me he stated that he chose option B and has acted on it, but his mother is still insisting that he has to make up his mind. To me, he has done so, but I cannot be the one who kicks her son out. She has to do it, and she is reluctant to do it. I get that, but he has been too disruptive for too long as far as I am concerned. I want him out, but I have to wait for my wife to get as fed up as I am.

[The Man They Call Asher]

Might be a bit out there, but you could always switch option B to joining the military. Either he cleans up his act at home and there's no more problem, or he joins the army or another branch of the armed services and cleans up his act there, OR he tells you he's joining and instead doesn't do that at all and just goes to bother someone else. Either way, an option to consider. I hope you get this sorted though man, good luck.

[jagilki]

I'm not trying to come off as an ass, but you need to do something. Have you and the wife ever thought of sending him to rehab or anything?

He's 18 you said so I'm not sure the legality, but... It's not going to be good continuing the way it is. Something is going to break someday.

[Dr. T is an alien]

Apr 22, 2014 2:00:39 GMT -5 The Man They Call Asher said:

Might be a bit out there, but you could always switch option B to joining the military. Either he cleans up his act at home and there's no more problem, or he joins the army or another branch of the armed services and cleans up his act there, OR he tells you he's joining and instead doesn't do that at all and just goes to bother someone else. Either way, an option to consider. I hope you get this sorted though man, good luck.

Tried that already. He screwed that up last year.

[Dr. T is an alien]

Apr 22, 2014 2:02:03 GMT -5 jagilki said:

I'm not trying to come off as an ass, but you need to do something. Have you and the wife ever thought of sending him to rehab or anything?

He's 18 you said so I'm not sure the legality, but... It's not going to be good continuing the way it is. Something is going to break someday.

We have tried to do that. He refuses to go and we cannot legally force him to go. His response to being told he has a drug problem, and I am not joking, was that the only drug problem he has is that he had ran out of them. Seriously, those were his words.

[jagilki]

See, now this is a completely different situation, but my Uncle went way.... WAY off the deep end about... 20 years or so ago. Now by then sure he was like 40 or so. But he was getting dangerously close to prison time. Lot's and lot's of prison time. It was basically boiling down to just whenever he'd get caught.

I don't know the full chain of events or the steps taken to reach them, but my Aunt (not his wife, His sister) somehow got Power of Attorney for him and got him committed to a drug treatment place against his will.

He's been clean since then.

[The Man They Call Asher]

I'd look into getting power of attorney like jagilki mentioned. You'll probably have to force his hand.

[Mozenrath]

This isn't really anything helpful, but I have known a few people like this. Total douchebags, but hopefully he gets a moment of clarity sooner than later. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

[King Ghidorah]

Ever thought about kicking his ass?

[Dr. T is an alien]

Apr 22, 2014 4:52:40 GMT -5 King Ghidorah said:

Ever thought about kicking his ass?

That's not really my style. Besides, he displayed a willful refusal to glean anything when other people have kicked his ass for acting like a dick.

[El Cokehead del Knife Fight]

How about talking to the police or court about mandated rehab?

[Dr. T is an alien]

Apr 22, 2014 9:42:05 GMT -5 El Cokehead del Knife Fight said:

How about talking to the police or court about mandated rehab?

The judge ordered him to do a court-ran drug counseling program, but it won't start until he pays for it and all of the associated court fees (which he isn't doing and at this point I don't have the extra $750 sitting around to pay it either).

[Toxik916]

Sounds like he needs an asskicking and a dose of reality. I hate to say this but allowing him to stay with you guys is enabling his shitty behavior. The hard part would be convincing the wife that it's time to kick her boy to the curb.

His ass will shape up if he HAS to work, right now he's coasting because he has zero responsibilities and eats for free.

[Dr. T is an alien]

Alright, I have a fun update. He was slow to wake up this morning, insisted that he was insulted about being yelled at when being woken up (which is true, but only because he ignores you when you are trying to be nice about waking him up and often still ignores you when you do yell) and refused to let me take him to work, insisting on taking his bike to work. He left, my wife and kids left, and I went back to bed since I did not have to be at work until later. When I woke up, I got ready to leave, went to put the recycling bin in my storage shed and found the boy's bike hidden away in it. I went back into the house and checked his room but he was not there. Instead, he snuck back into the house and hid in his brother's room to sleep in that room. I woke him up and told him I would take him to work, but he refused.

I reminded him that working was a requirement for living with us. He said he would turn in a few applications. I asked him if that meant that he lost his current job, which he denied. He said that the reason that he did not want to go to work was that he did not really do andything. I pointed out just how terrible it was for him where they pay him $12/hr to do nothing. In the end, he refused to get up and I had to leave for work without getting that resolved.

I called my wife and she said she would talk to him again tonight so that he could make a decision about what to do. I told her that he already did decide. He was given a list of rules to follow if he expected to stay with us. He said that he did not agree to the rules and spent the last 2 day breaking every damned one of them, including lying about going to work and then sneaking back into the house to hide and sleep.

[Toxik916]

He sure made his bed and now has to lie in it. Hopefully your wife will finally put her foot down.

[jagilki]

sidetrack, but $12 an hour? I know cost of living and such is all different across the country. But the last place I worked I practically killed myself for 9.15 (really, hence why I've no longer one toe, huge medical bills, and can't work atm). I'd LOVE to make $12 an hour.

Sorry for sidetracking.

[Amazing Kitsune]

He's got to take control over his own life and nothing will get done until he realizes that there's a problem. Even when he does realize there's a problem, it could take him years to fix it.

So you're in a pretty tough spot.

You can't just kick him out, because it solves nothing and potentially makes the problem worse. Then he can shack up with "real" friends and family who will use him and press him even further down the abyss. It might seem like a good idea, but it can do far, far more harm than good.

You also can't blindly support him either, because then you're just making the problem worse. Something has to change.

I wish there was an easy answer, but there isn't. He has to want to change his life. If he doesn't, then nothing is going to change. This is especially hard if he's currently pretty happy with how things are going. So he has to be made uncomfortable to a degree. The worst thing for a drug addict is a comfortable situation.

I just don't know your situation and how much influence you guys really have over him.

[Dr. T is an alien]

Apr 22, 2014 16:19:32 GMT -5 Amazing Kitsune said:

He's got to take control over his own life and nothing will get done until he realizes that there's a problem. Even when he does realize there's a problem, it could take him years to fix it.

So you're in a pretty tough spot.

You can't just kick him out, because it solves nothing and potentially makes the problem worse. Then he can shack up with "real" friends and family who will use him and press him even further down the abyss. It might seem like a good idea, but it can do far, far more harm than good.

You also can't blindly support him either, because then you're just making the problem worse. Something has to change.

I wish there was an easy answer, but there isn't. He has to want to change his life. If he doesn't, then nothing is going to change. This is especially hard if he's currently pretty happy with how things are going. So he has to be made uncomfortable to a degree. The worst thing for a drug addict is a comfortable situation.

I just don't know your situation and how much influence you guys really have over him.

Obviously, I have practically no influence on him. He won't listen to us and shows a lack of respect for all of us. His father, who treats him like s***, gets mad respect from him for "teaching him to take care of himself and teaching him that he cannot rely on anyone in this world". Somehow stealing from friends, family, and his kids while being emotionally abusive, refusing to work himself, and always finding someone new to leach off of was his father's way of "teaching" him.

Apr 22, 2014 16:18:37 GMT -5 jagilki said:

sidetrack, but $12 an hour? I know cost of living and such is all different across the country. But the last place I worked I practically killed myself for 9.15 (really, hence why I've no longer one toe, huge medical bills, and can't work atm). I'd LOVE to make $12 an hour.

Sorry for sidetracking.

Yeah, that is also part of the point. I did not make $12/hr until I was about 24 and had a family to care for. He is pissing it away because he just is too lazy to get out of bed to go "do nothing".

[Brandon Walsh is Insane.]

Accidently run over his bike.

And then call the cops on him if he's smoking outside.

Simple.

[Deleted]

Perhaps consider that his Dad has screwed him up a bit


Asking him to pay rent and forcing to kick him out if he doesn't turn things around may seem like perfectly reasonable requests to you and they are. But his Dad made him pay rent and kicked him out, even if he is in denial or acts like it doesn't bother him things like that can have a lasting effect on someones mind and may be triggering something in him. Rejection issues can linger even if he is not fully aware of them and certain things (sometimes things that are pretty trivial to others) can trigger them


In my experience alot of people who get involved with Drugs do so as a way of not having to deal with other issues


This might not be the case, I don't know the full situation, I don't know whats going on in his head, neither do you, but everything isn't always as black and white as it seems.


There might be more deep rooted reasons for why he is not going to work.

And those suggesting you try and force him to go to rehab are completely wrong, he is smoking some weed and dabbling in meth now and then, he's hardly a junkie, he's just young. Like I said he could be smoking because it's a way to deal with issues he doesn't want to face. And when your young, getting used to the independence of adulthood and angry at the world someone taking that freedom away from you would be the worse blow.

I might be completely off base, just thought I'd try and throw a few points from an alternative perspective out there for you to consider. Understanding why a person does what they do and considering other peoples perspective is not something the human race is all that good at. It's hard to sympathize, notice or even understand things others are going through when you have not been through them yourself. At 18 your mind is still developing, I think I read somewhere the mind isn't fully shaped until the mid twenties.