I attempted to kick my son out of the house (update on p3)

[Dr. T is an alien]

Some of you might remember previous threads where I discussed my struggles with my 19 yr old stepson. Today they came to a head and I kicked him out. I told him that he has disrespected his mother and I, refused to comply by our rules, told him my shed smells funky now (I think he smoked a joint in this morning, told him that I found his stash of booze in the shed, said that he has repeated stolen from us without apology (the latest bit over $100 from his 15 yr old brother this past week), and generally has been completely incapable of being civil in our house. He did not bother to respond, went out to the shed to collect his stash before coming back in to grab some clothes to take with him, and left on a bike he stole from someone else last week.

Even though he gave me no choice, I still feel like dirt for doing it.

[Legion]

Had to be done.

He needs to learn and the only way to learn when you feel as self entitled as he appears to is to hit rock bottom.

You did the right thing.

[Chip]

That's... rough. I really have no advice to give past hoping that it gets better for all parties involved.

[Deleted]

By the sounds of things you had pretty much burned out any other option with him, and honestly, this is the best thing to do.

[Blindkarevik]

Given his reaction... it sounds like he has places to go, couches for him to crash on, food for him to mooch.... those are the basics. So, while you feel bad for kicking him out, I doubt he's stuck for the basics in life. So in that, you can rest easy.

I'm assuming this was a joint decision between you and your wife that this was the last option, so you two can finally get a bit of rest. Of course, you'll both worry... her, moreso... but just remember, he'll be fine. He knows he can come back when things are no longer fine, just as long as he's willing to make changes.

Granted, you DO have to prepare for the idea that he may turn this into another self-righteous rant. In that case, you just have to stick to your guns. He has to hit rock bottom to make change... but as long as he has people to enable him, he won't hit it... at least not for quite some time. But, the only thing you can do is resign yourself to him essentially being out of your lives until he wants to make the necessary changes to be allowed back in. It's a painfully difficult thing to do, but the only weakness that will achieve peace will be his weakness... any weakness you show will tell him he can come back and run roughshod over you as long as he wants and he will learn nothing.

In the meantime, don't let this form a rift between you and your wife. You need to be on the same page as each other in this, I'm assuming you are right now... but as time draws on, one of you will start to want him back more than the other... and you've gotta stay firm. No contact, no secret meetings, no "$100 slipped in the mailbox".... you just need to remind each other why you came to this decision and, like I say, the only way he'll make any changes is if he's the one who flinches and gives in first.

[Hurbster]

I hate to say this. But get your locks changed.

[Oh Cry Me a Screwball]

May 31, 2014 19:24:25 GMT -5 Hurbster said:

I hate to say this. But get your locks changed.

In that vein, if you have a garage door that opens via code, that needs changed too.

[Mozenrath]

May 31, 2014 19:24:25 GMT -5 Hurbster said:

I hate to say this. But get your locks changed.

Yeah, he's shown this little regard for your property before, it's not going to change now.

[Seth Drakin of Monster Crap]

It seemed like you were at your last straw so I guess it had to be done.

Now let's just all hope it ends well.

[KAMALARAMBO: BOOMSHAKALAKA!!!]

That's a tough thing, but I kind of get it.

It reminds me of a roomate I used to have. The dude's dad was great. He'd come over clean our carpet, take out our trash, make us lunch at no cost. Just a real cool dude. Then his son (my roomate) would yell at him over the phone about having to go to college (on his dad's dime) and smoke pot all day. I always thought it was a shame because the guy probably would never appreciate his dad until it was too late and he was dead.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is some kids are just rotten. Hopefully, he learns to appreciate his parents before it is too late. Some people do change and I hope your stepson is one of them.

[Baldobomb-22-OH-MAN!!!]

you did the right thing. I mean, I've been reading these threads and it sounds like that kid took you far beyond the point where most people would've thrown in the towel. you did everything you could. he's an adult, it's up to him to fix his life. you can't be exposing your other kids to that kind of chicanery. you have to think about them, too.

[Crimson]

May 31, 2014 19:03:09 GMT -5 Blindkarevik said:

Given his reaction... it sounds like he has places to go, couches for him to crash on, food for him to mooch.... those are the basics. So, while you feel bad for kicking him out, I doubt he's stuck for the basics in life. So in that, you can rest easy.

I'm assuming this was a joint decision between you and your wife that this was the last option, so you two can finally get a bit of rest. Of course, you'll both worry... her, moreso... but just remember, he'll be fine. He knows he can come back when things are no longer fine, just as long as he's willing to make changes.

Granted, you DO have to prepare for the idea that he may turn this into another self-righteous rant. In that case, you just have to stick to your guns. He has to hit rock bottom to make change... but as long as he has people to enable him, he won't hit it... at least not for quite some time. But, the only thing you can do is resign yourself to him essentially being out of your lives until he wants to make the necessary changes to be allowed back in. It's a painfully difficult thing to do, but the only weakness that will achieve peace will be his weakness... any weakness you show will tell him he can come back and run roughshod over you as long as he wants and he will learn nothing.

In the meantime, don't let this form a rift between you and your wife. You need to be on the same page as each other in this, I'm assuming you are right now... but as time draws on, one of you will start to want him back more than the other... and you've gotta stay firm. No contact, no secret meetings, no "$100 slipped in the mailbox".... you just need to remind each other why you came to this decision and, like I say, the only way he'll make any changes is if he's the one who flinches and gives in first.

I agree with this

May 31, 2014 19:24:25 GMT -5 Hurbster said:

I hate to say this. But get your locks changed.

and this unfortunately.

[Dr. T is an alien]

May 31, 2014 19:24:25 GMT -5 Hurbster said:

I hate to say this. But get your locks changed.

Already done. I bought the new locks two months ago when I thought my wife was going to kick him out then, but she gave him another shot (which he promptly blew by going back on his word in less than a week, but I digress). To be honest, my wife told him that he had to leave two weeks ago, but he came back that evening and pretended like she didn't just kick him out.

I don't know how long he will be able to go on his own, but I cannot worry about that. If he actually had his head out of his ass to the point that I would not need to worry about him he would not have needed to be kicked out in the first place. He did inherit his father's amazing capacity to burn bridges and wear out his welcome everywhere he goes, so he most likely will run out of couches to sleep on in a hurry. He can't even move back in with his dad since his dad is now riding in his girlfriend's cab as she hauls cargo on the nation's highways (the man has never paid for his own place as long as I have known of his existence).

What is irritating is that I know that we will not hear from him until he absolutely runs out of options and needs help after everyone else tells him to f*** off. He did that last year when he took off to go on a drug-laden binge of 4 months living at his dad's. We did not kick him out then (though we should have since he was robbing us blind at the time), but he still refused to acknowledge our existence when he took off. His father has kicked him out of his place (or, more accurately, other people's places) no fewer than 4 times in the last two years but he still feels like his father had done more for him than I, a man who bought him two trucks (one that he totaled a year and a half ago and one that he traded to a drug dealer for drugs last December) ever did or continued to do. His father stole his paychecks whenever he worked. I bought him vehicles. I can see why he thought his father supported him more.

["Gentleman" AJ Powell]

This might sound a bit harsh, but good. From what you've said in the past, it's for the best. Best case scenario, he'll realise what a tit he's been, come back and be better behaved.

[Danimal]

May 31, 2014 19:27:48 GMT -5 Oh Cry Me a Screwball said:

May 31, 2014 19:24:25 GMT -5 Hurbster said:

I hate to say this. But get your locks changed.

In that vein, if you have a garage door that opens via code, that needs changed too.

This, kid will be back and ganking your stuff if you don't secure your place. That he just stole a bike last week establishes him as a thief. Don't feel bad, you did all you can do. You can't just keep saying there will be consequences without following through, he had to go, keeping him around is just enabling him. Ya maybe his bio-dad does affect his behavior/attitude but you tried damn hard to show him love and patience while modeling and supporting positive bahavior and he wasn't having it. Maybe he's just an ass like his bio-dad and won't change til he wants to.

[Toxik916]

Welp about damn time señor.

[Deleted]

I really hope this works out for the best. It really sucks you had to be put in this position in the first place. All I have to say is good luck, watch out, and don't be afraid to call the police.

[Deleted]

I've seen a few of these threads but never commented because I didn't think it was my place. My honest opinion on this? You did the right thing. Obviously you're going to have some regrets by doing so, because you're not some kind of heartless monster. You gave him chances and tried to help him, and he blew you off. And that's got to hurt, and likewise is doing this. But you don't have any choice and honestly, it sounds like he made life a living hell for the rest of his family. By doing this, he can't actively hurt you anymore, and you all can get on with your lives. It's not a best-case scenario, but things could be much, much worse.

[Deleted]

Hopefully you and your family is a bit more at ease then before. You did the best you could but he's on his own now. No one to hold onto or to mooch off of. And as others have stated, look out for your family and self.

Stay safe and good luck.

[Professor Chaos]

I think the best thing for this kid would be if he ended up spending time in jail. If he gets busted for drugs or theft and has to do a month or so locked up it might scare the crap out of him and let him think about getting his act together.