Post by Sponsored by Groose Wipes on Apr 28, 2015 19:31:02 GMT -5
I was thinking about putting this in the NFL thread, however I decided to make this its own thread as I've thought about trying to get a spot on the FAN site itself. This 2015 NFL Mock Draft is a test run or a pilot of the kind of random humored sports content I would be posting each week (or bi weekly depending on things). If the mods feel better closing this and just adding this as part of the NFL thread then that's understandable. Anyway here's just an example of what I could be bringing to FAN.
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It’s the time of year where every sports outlet summons their inner forecast machines and tries to make their own NFL Mock Draft for the first round. The 2015 NFL Draft will take place in the windy city of Chicago due to Eli Manning having so many interceptions that he got the NFL Draft picked off by Chicago. And what better place to have an NFL draft than in Chicago, home of pizzas with way too many things on them, hot dogs with way too many things on them, and now, new NFL players with way too many expectations on them. The NFL Draft! Now with 200% more CM Punk chants.
This NFL Mock Draft is to be very legit and only I can predict the most realest of outcomes, also trying to do more sports things to see if it gets me anywhere. So without anymore wait, take a seat, grab a beer, and a handful of Tylenol for the headache you will get with ESPN’s Chris Berman not shutting up for 2 seconds talking about the NFL Draft sponsored by Johnny Football and Tim Tebow. IT’S FOOTBALL TIME! ONCE AGAIN IT’S ON!
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have the #1 overall pick because if the Super Bowl champ Patriots taught us anything last year, its that you can do bad things and still come out on top. The Buccaneers are on the clock!
#1 Tampa Bay Buccaneers: NONE!
The two big QBs in this draft are Florida State Jameis Winston and Oregon’s Marcus Marinara. However the Bucs will end up running out of time and end up picking no one. If only they had more time!
#2 The Tennessee Titans: Marcus Pablo Montoya (QB, Oregon)
This is no shocker here. Marcus Mamajama many see as the best player in the draft. With his talent, he could take the Titans ALL… THE… WAY…. to a 6-10 season.
#3 Jacksonville Jaguars: Jameis Winston (QB, Florida State)
The Jag Swag Nation got Bottles from the hit game Banjo-Kazooie last year to be their franchise QB, but how can they pass up this golden opportunity? However, tragedy strikes as Jameis Winston is BANNED from the NFL due to cigarettes (in this case, Winston Cigarettes) not being allowed to be marketed by major sports outlets. Much like what happened with NASCAR and the Winston Cup. Better luck next time Jameis.
#4 Oakland Raiders: Brett Lawrie (3B, Oakland A's University)
Oakland needs some attitude and someone who’s up for fighting for yards, and who better than Oakland’s own Brett Lawrie? This guy knows how to slide and fight for some extra yards and could give the RAAADIERZ the kick in the pants they need in a division with Manning and the other teams no one talks about.
#5. Washington Redskins: Leonard Williams (DE/DT, USC)
Not even the senate at Washington can decide what they want. One side wants Amari Cooper who’s the best WR on the board, or to raise the US Fiscal cliff until the NFL Wild Card round. The Redskins also have had flack in the media with their offensive name. I could very well see the Redskins becoming the new Washington Washingtons. Hey if the Bills can get away with it. Anyway, the Washingtons (thanks to an executive order by Barack Obama) draft Leonard Williams from USC. Arguably the best defensive player in the draft, Leonard is sure to be throwing touchdowns when RG-III gets injured again.
#6. New York Jets: TRADE!
In all mock drafts, there’s never a trade. However, there is in the real draft and I’m here to give the people the most legit draft experience. The New York Jets trade their #6 overall pick to the Philadelphia Eagles for their #20 pick and QB Mark Sanchez.
#6: Philadelphia Eagles: Arik Armstead (DE/DT, Oregon)
With the best defensive player picked in the draft since Leonard Williams, it’s no shocker that Philly loves this guy. The only downside with this star player is that he’s got an intimidating look and it’s going to be hard for him not to look at Philly’s new QB Sam Bradford, putting Sam at risk of another year-ending injury. It’s also no shocker that Chip Kelly wants to draft more of his Oregon Ducks on his team. This pick is not only great. IT’S QUACKTASTIC!
#7: Chicago Bears: The Jay Cutler XJ220mkII Prototype R (QB/Android, DARPA)
Chicago with a shocker gives some help to a struggling Jay Cutler. Now giving him GPS navigation, mechanical processing data chip, and laser pin point accuracy. The Jay Cutler XJ200mkII Prototype R is sure to give the help Jay needs to be an elite QB. I got lucky enough to talk to the Bears draft pick and asked if he has what it takes to be an elite Super Bowl QB. Sadly he just told me “Does not compute” and ended up shutting down.
#8: Atlanta Falcons: TRADE!
Because once you go Matt Ryan there’s no point in trying.
#8: Las Vegas Outlaws: Dante Fowler (DE/OLB, Florida)
The XFL really needs some big time hard hitting players with their play for pay to players and smash-mouth football. Dante Fowler will help fix that 0.3 TV rating that’s been hurting the Las Vegas Outlaws for a long time and can help throw this team back into its glory 2001 days.
#9: San Francisco Giants: Amari Cooper (WR, Alabama)
The Giants got a steal with getting the #9 overall pick in the draft lottery after winning their third World Series in five years thanks to SERGEANT DOUCHEBAG Madison Bumgarner. Amari Cooper will end up being a superstar that the Football New York Giants will end up building Cooperstown after him and will put the Baseball Hall of Fame there in his honor.
#10: St. Louis Rams: Blueprints for an 8-billion dollar Los Angeles stadium.
The Rams really need something to look forward to, and what better way than to draft blueprints for a muti-billion dollar stadium. This pick has potential with state of the art technology, tons of seating, and about everything in between for the ultimate fan experience. This is big risk, big reward for the LA Rams.
#11: Minnesota Vikings: Hideo Kojima (Video Game Designer, University of Japan)
The man behind the Metal Gear Solid franchise was let go by Konami a few weeks ago and what better way than to give Adrian Peterson a much more compelling story then to put one of gaming's greatest story tellers? The only downside with Kojima is that his knack of showing long cutscenes could really hinder in the fast-pace NFL game of today. But if Minnesota can optimize him, he could be what they need to go 6-10 and miss the playoffs.
#12: Cleveland Johnny Footballs: Vic Beasley (DE/OLB, Clemson)
Johnny Manziel did not do so well in his first year, but now after going to rehab after Amy Winehouse told him not to could be the kick in the pants he needed to get his act together and to be a leader in Cleveland. Johnny has shown flashes in his early college outing but it’s now or never for the controversial QB. The Browns' year is all on Johnny Manziel.
#13: New Orleans Saints: Deidrie Henry (Spokeswoman, Popeyes Chicken)
You might not know her name, but you have seen her in commercials for Popeyes chicken. With Drew Brees and speed on the offensive side of the ball, the Saints need to work on the pass rush. Popeye’s motto is “Louisiana Fast” and what better way to bring speed than this wicked chicken red stick momma?
#14: Miami Dolphins: Dorial Green-Beckham (WR, Oklahoma)
Miami QB Ryan Tannehill is showing that he might have what it takes to take the Miami Dolphins to be a contender to lose to Tom Brady and the New England Patriots and to make Tom Brady look strong. However, the 'phins might show some WR power by drafting Dorial Green-Beckham. With this duo, they will become “Green Hill Zone”, the first level from Sonic The Hedgehog for the SEGA Genesis/Megadrive. With this pick, Miami will be cool, blue, and with attitude.
#15: San Francisco 49ers: (Rough draft begging for Jim Harbaugh to come back, Editor, UCLA)
The Niners showed to be a good team as they got so close to winning it all, but now with the departure of Jim Harbaugh, things are going to get tough for the 49ers. I only say they draft a rough draft because there’s room for changes and maybe the 49ers will be fine without him, however this is a good draft to have just in case things go sour for this new Niners team.
#16: Houston Texans: Clone of J.J. Watt (DE,WR,RB,TE,K,PR,QB,OT,Goalie, Houston Genetic Research Lab)
Jadeveon Clowney due to an injury was not the superstar Houston wanted. However, one man’s shortcomings are another man’s opportunity. J.J. Watt proved that he can play what ever the hell position he wants, so what better way to fill the holes the Texans have than to have 2 J.J. Watts. This duo could truly be Wattstoppable.
#17: San Diego Chargers: Ereck Flowers (OT, Miami)
San Diego getting a steal here by drafting a player from the Miami Dolphins. Truly anything can happen in the NFL Draft! However that’s not what the Chargers are thinking when they make this pick. They are not thinking Super Bowl either. With Brandon Flowers along side Ereck Flowers. San Diego can have just enough Flower Power to go 8-8 and have their playoffs dashed by the Kansas City Chiefs… Speaking of the Chiefs…
#18: Kansas City Chiefs: Lorenzo Cain (CF, Tallahassee Community College)
The Chiefs had ZERO touchdowns by wide receivers and a low supply of weed and Sonic chili cheese tots. They fixed this in the off season by cutting Bowe. Now they need someone with remarkable hands, and who better than someone just across the street in the Royals’ Lorenzo Cain? Some say anything that’s not water is Lorenzo Cain territory, and the Chiefs could use his hands to get some WR touchdowns. Who knows, they might even get 2 or 3 WR touchdowns.
#19: Cleveland Johnny Footballs: DeVante Parker, (WR, Louisville)
Jabari Parker had a bad injury last year, but now he's driving to be a superstar in the NBA. Everyone wants to go to Cleveland to play for LeBron James and Kevin Love, so it’s no shocker that Jabari Parker is sure to turn the Cavaliers into a feared franchise... Johnny Manziel.
#20: Philadelphia Eagles: TRADE!
The Eagles decide to make a trade to the New York Jets for QB Michael Vick. The Jets are on the clock.
#20: New York Jets: Charlie Chaplin (Comic, College unknown)
With the Jets having Sanchez back, there’s sure to be some 5 star quietly slapstick humor this year from the Gang Green Gang (no, not the bad guys from The Powerpuff Girls). What better way for Sanchez and a QB controversy than Sir Charles Chaplin? I tried to get an interview about how he feels being part of the New York Jets but he was silent.
#21: Cincinnati Bengals: NONE
It might be crazy, but we will get 3 “no picks” in the first round of the draft. The pick will be made by none other than the Bengals franchise QB Andy Dalton. However, he trips and never makes the podium due to the prime time lights being just too bright for him. This pick is a good pick as it might just push them into another first round playoff loss.
#22: Pittsburgh Steelers: A Slice Of Cheese (Condiment, Wisconsin)
So we can get the Ben Roethleisberger with cheese… HA!
#23: Detroit Lions: John Kerry (D, Secretary of State, Boston College)
The Detroit Lions lost Reggie Bush and ended up picking up Frank Gore in the off season. However, the Lions are still looking to have a bright future rather than a bad one not covered in debt. So they dropped Bush, went back in time to the year 2000, and pick up Gore. Hoping they don’t make the same mistake twice, they end up taking John Kerry who hopes to bring the Lions to a remarkable 8-8 season.
#24: Arizona Cardinals: Malcolm Brown (DE/DT, Texas)
Arizona got a good surprise with their new wide receiver core with John and Jaron Brown. Now it’s time to take it one step beyond with Malcolm Brown out of Texas. John, Jaron, and Malcolm become the three man trio known as “MEET THE BROWNS!” Thank of the advertisements, the merchandise, the t-shirts! This pick is nothing but money for Arizona.
#25: Carolina Panthers: Bruce Wayne (QB, Gotham University)
Wayne might have a troubled past but he hopes to clean up the streets of Gotham as his alter ego, Batman. Cam Newton has been going around calling himself Superman and now he’s going to have some competition when Batman is after him for the starting spot. Catch Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice in theaters 2016!
#26: Baltimore Ravens: Marcus MaRIOTa (QB, Oregon)
It what’s the biggest steal of the draft, The Baltimore Ravens end up legit stealing Marcus from the Tennessee Titans! Baltimore has stolen Marcus in an act of peaceful protest.
#27: Dallas Cowboys: Howie Mandel (Comedian, Canadia)
It’s clear that Tony Romo is not going anywhere because he he cooks Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jone’s porridge jussssst right. Anyway Jerry now has a new vision for America’s team. He wants to remake the Saturday Morning cartoon Bobby’s World and call it Jerry’s World. To do this, he needs to shows mastermind, Howie Mandel to pull this off. I got word with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones about his pick and he told me “Remember Bobby’s World? IT WAS A GOOD SHOW!” It is hard to argue that seeing an animated kid version of Tony Romo driving a tricycle around the house is something you don’t want to see.
#28: Denver Broncos: Shane Ray (OLB, Missouri)
Many people think Ray’s stock has fell off due to his recent citation for marijuana possession. I think this is the golden opportunity That Payto… I mean the Denver Broncos are looking for. Shane Ray got hit with marijuana possession, pot is legal in Colorado, Denver is the mile high city. This writes itself.
#29: Indianapolis Colts: Eren Yeager (Attack on Titan, 104th Trainees Squad)
“Now come on Groose, why are you putting Japanese anime stuff on this mock draft? No sports fan is going to get it and will call you a loser”. Hey, someone out there will get this and I do have my reasons. I like to believe more than 5 people will read this. Anyway, Eren Yeager might look small but he’s on a mission to destroy all Titans. The Colts have the Tennessee Titans in their division. Eren was made to put on a Colt jersey.
#30: Green Bay Packers: Brett Favre spawn. (QB, Brett’s Tummy)
Brett Favre has been away from the game for a long time. He wants to come back but knows that he can’t and must accept his age is getting to him. However the line was crossed when he learned that Fox color commentator Joe Buck has moved on to his new love, Madison Bumgarner. Heart broken by his break up, Favre had to find a way to come back to the NFL and win back his lover’s heart. The Green Bay Packers devised a plan to impregnate Favre with a altered genetically enhanced super being made for the NFL. Now the spawn of Favre has been unleashed and is ready to cause havoc to the NFC North. With the genetically altered Brett Favre Spawn and their division rival Chicago Bears lead by The Jay Cutler XJ220mkII Prototype R, it will truly be a war between science and nature.
#31: New Orleans Saints: TRADE!
The Saints ended up trading star Tight End Jimmy Graham for this pick but have decided to trade the pick to the New England Patriots. The Patriots now have both the 31st and 32nd pick in the NFL Draft.
#31: New England Patriots: Mikasa M80 Electric Air Inflator (Sideline, Unknown Collage)
The Super Bowl champs did not win the big game without some controversy and some luck spinning their way. However New England hopes to shut up all of the nay-sayers with this draft pick. Mikasa has a ton going for him with a 110v AC operation, ⅛ HP, 40 PSI, 100v/60Hz and is only 4 pounds to sneak inside the gaps. A good pick for the New England Patriots, and they have the final pick in the 2015 NFL Draft.
#32: New England Patriots: TRADE!
This first round of the 2015 NFL Draft has been the year of the trade, so it’s no shocker that New England now now traded the 32nd pick to the Seattle Seahawks for a cargo box of skittles. Marshawn Lynch is thankful.
#32: Seattle Seahawks: Time and Relative Dimension in Space (TARDIS) booth. (Time Machine, BBC)
There’s no shocker with this pick and shocked that it fell all the way to the first round. Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll uses the time machine to go back in time to February 1st, 2015 to the final play of the Super Bowl. He tells his past self to not pass the ball and to have Marshawn Lynch run with it. Marshawn scores a touchdown and the Seattle Seahawks REPEAT AND WIN SUPER BOWL XLIX.
The Seahawks would get the 32nd pick in this draft, meaning they never got it from the trade from New England and could not draft the TARDIS in the first place. Therefore could not go back in time to fix their screw-up. However this causes a butterfly effect and causes a time rift in space in time.
Now without anymore wait, lets start the 2015 USFL Mock draft, sponsored by Circuit City.
#1 Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Bo Callahan (QB, Wisconsin)
The Hesiman Trophy winner and proven real superstar is going to be the first overall pick. He could be the greatest thing to happen to the USFL with his star power. Bo knows how to throw the ball and can not be tackled for an entire game. This man HAS IT!
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Join me next year for the 2016 NFL mock draft that is if any of these draft picks end up destroying the world. Sure to be an amazing NFL season! Johnny Manziel.
On a real note, I really enjoyed writing this up and if I ever started some kind of sports blog, this would be the kind of things I would do each week. I hope maybe I could gain an audience doing this and maybe even get on some kind of site. Putting a spin on sports the only way I know how. With androids, time machines, and The Ben Roethleisberger with cheese. Hope you enjoyed the read.
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It’s the time of year where every sports outlet summons their inner forecast machines and tries to make their own NFL Mock Draft for the first round. The 2015 NFL Draft will take place in the windy city of Chicago due to Eli Manning having so many interceptions that he got the NFL Draft picked off by Chicago. And what better place to have an NFL draft than in Chicago, home of pizzas with way too many things on them, hot dogs with way too many things on them, and now, new NFL players with way too many expectations on them. The NFL Draft! Now with 200% more CM Punk chants.
This NFL Mock Draft is to be very legit and only I can predict the most realest of outcomes, also trying to do more sports things to see if it gets me anywhere. So without anymore wait, take a seat, grab a beer, and a handful of Tylenol for the headache you will get with ESPN’s Chris Berman not shutting up for 2 seconds talking about the NFL Draft sponsored by Johnny Football and Tim Tebow. IT’S FOOTBALL TIME! ONCE AGAIN IT’S ON!
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have the #1 overall pick because if the Super Bowl champ Patriots taught us anything last year, its that you can do bad things and still come out on top. The Buccaneers are on the clock!
#1 Tampa Bay Buccaneers: NONE!
The two big QBs in this draft are Florida State Jameis Winston and Oregon’s Marcus Marinara. However the Bucs will end up running out of time and end up picking no one. If only they had more time!
#2 The Tennessee Titans: Marcus Pablo Montoya (QB, Oregon)
This is no shocker here. Marcus Mamajama many see as the best player in the draft. With his talent, he could take the Titans ALL… THE… WAY…. to a 6-10 season.
#3 Jacksonville Jaguars: Jameis Winston (QB, Florida State)
The Jag Swag Nation got Bottles from the hit game Banjo-Kazooie last year to be their franchise QB, but how can they pass up this golden opportunity? However, tragedy strikes as Jameis Winston is BANNED from the NFL due to cigarettes (in this case, Winston Cigarettes) not being allowed to be marketed by major sports outlets. Much like what happened with NASCAR and the Winston Cup. Better luck next time Jameis.
#4 Oakland Raiders: Brett Lawrie (3B, Oakland A's University)
Oakland needs some attitude and someone who’s up for fighting for yards, and who better than Oakland’s own Brett Lawrie? This guy knows how to slide and fight for some extra yards and could give the RAAADIERZ the kick in the pants they need in a division with Manning and the other teams no one talks about.
#5. Washington Redskins: Leonard Williams (DE/DT, USC)
Not even the senate at Washington can decide what they want. One side wants Amari Cooper who’s the best WR on the board, or to raise the US Fiscal cliff until the NFL Wild Card round. The Redskins also have had flack in the media with their offensive name. I could very well see the Redskins becoming the new Washington Washingtons. Hey if the Bills can get away with it. Anyway, the Washingtons (thanks to an executive order by Barack Obama) draft Leonard Williams from USC. Arguably the best defensive player in the draft, Leonard is sure to be throwing touchdowns when RG-III gets injured again.
#6. New York Jets: TRADE!
In all mock drafts, there’s never a trade. However, there is in the real draft and I’m here to give the people the most legit draft experience. The New York Jets trade their #6 overall pick to the Philadelphia Eagles for their #20 pick and QB Mark Sanchez.
#6: Philadelphia Eagles: Arik Armstead (DE/DT, Oregon)
With the best defensive player picked in the draft since Leonard Williams, it’s no shocker that Philly loves this guy. The only downside with this star player is that he’s got an intimidating look and it’s going to be hard for him not to look at Philly’s new QB Sam Bradford, putting Sam at risk of another year-ending injury. It’s also no shocker that Chip Kelly wants to draft more of his Oregon Ducks on his team. This pick is not only great. IT’S QUACKTASTIC!
#7: Chicago Bears: The Jay Cutler XJ220mkII Prototype R (QB/Android, DARPA)
Chicago with a shocker gives some help to a struggling Jay Cutler. Now giving him GPS navigation, mechanical processing data chip, and laser pin point accuracy. The Jay Cutler XJ200mkII Prototype R is sure to give the help Jay needs to be an elite QB. I got lucky enough to talk to the Bears draft pick and asked if he has what it takes to be an elite Super Bowl QB. Sadly he just told me “Does not compute” and ended up shutting down.
#8: Atlanta Falcons: TRADE!
Because once you go Matt Ryan there’s no point in trying.
#8: Las Vegas Outlaws: Dante Fowler (DE/OLB, Florida)
The XFL really needs some big time hard hitting players with their play for pay to players and smash-mouth football. Dante Fowler will help fix that 0.3 TV rating that’s been hurting the Las Vegas Outlaws for a long time and can help throw this team back into its glory 2001 days.
#9: San Francisco Giants: Amari Cooper (WR, Alabama)
The Giants got a steal with getting the #9 overall pick in the draft lottery after winning their third World Series in five years thanks to SERGEANT DOUCHEBAG Madison Bumgarner. Amari Cooper will end up being a superstar that the Football New York Giants will end up building Cooperstown after him and will put the Baseball Hall of Fame there in his honor.
#10: St. Louis Rams: Blueprints for an 8-billion dollar Los Angeles stadium.
The Rams really need something to look forward to, and what better way than to draft blueprints for a muti-billion dollar stadium. This pick has potential with state of the art technology, tons of seating, and about everything in between for the ultimate fan experience. This is big risk, big reward for the LA Rams.
#11: Minnesota Vikings: Hideo Kojima (Video Game Designer, University of Japan)
The man behind the Metal Gear Solid franchise was let go by Konami a few weeks ago and what better way than to give Adrian Peterson a much more compelling story then to put one of gaming's greatest story tellers? The only downside with Kojima is that his knack of showing long cutscenes could really hinder in the fast-pace NFL game of today. But if Minnesota can optimize him, he could be what they need to go 6-10 and miss the playoffs.
#12: Cleveland Johnny Footballs: Vic Beasley (DE/OLB, Clemson)
Johnny Manziel did not do so well in his first year, but now after going to rehab after Amy Winehouse told him not to could be the kick in the pants he needed to get his act together and to be a leader in Cleveland. Johnny has shown flashes in his early college outing but it’s now or never for the controversial QB. The Browns' year is all on Johnny Manziel.
#13: New Orleans Saints: Deidrie Henry (Spokeswoman, Popeyes Chicken)
You might not know her name, but you have seen her in commercials for Popeyes chicken. With Drew Brees and speed on the offensive side of the ball, the Saints need to work on the pass rush. Popeye’s motto is “Louisiana Fast” and what better way to bring speed than this wicked chicken red stick momma?
#14: Miami Dolphins: Dorial Green-Beckham (WR, Oklahoma)
Miami QB Ryan Tannehill is showing that he might have what it takes to take the Miami Dolphins to be a contender to lose to Tom Brady and the New England Patriots and to make Tom Brady look strong. However, the 'phins might show some WR power by drafting Dorial Green-Beckham. With this duo, they will become “Green Hill Zone”, the first level from Sonic The Hedgehog for the SEGA Genesis/Megadrive. With this pick, Miami will be cool, blue, and with attitude.
#15: San Francisco 49ers: (Rough draft begging for Jim Harbaugh to come back, Editor, UCLA)
The Niners showed to be a good team as they got so close to winning it all, but now with the departure of Jim Harbaugh, things are going to get tough for the 49ers. I only say they draft a rough draft because there’s room for changes and maybe the 49ers will be fine without him, however this is a good draft to have just in case things go sour for this new Niners team.
#16: Houston Texans: Clone of J.J. Watt (DE,WR,RB,TE,K,PR,QB,OT,Goalie, Houston Genetic Research Lab)
Jadeveon Clowney due to an injury was not the superstar Houston wanted. However, one man’s shortcomings are another man’s opportunity. J.J. Watt proved that he can play what ever the hell position he wants, so what better way to fill the holes the Texans have than to have 2 J.J. Watts. This duo could truly be Wattstoppable.
#17: San Diego Chargers: Ereck Flowers (OT, Miami)
San Diego getting a steal here by drafting a player from the Miami Dolphins. Truly anything can happen in the NFL Draft! However that’s not what the Chargers are thinking when they make this pick. They are not thinking Super Bowl either. With Brandon Flowers along side Ereck Flowers. San Diego can have just enough Flower Power to go 8-8 and have their playoffs dashed by the Kansas City Chiefs… Speaking of the Chiefs…
#18: Kansas City Chiefs: Lorenzo Cain (CF, Tallahassee Community College)
The Chiefs had ZERO touchdowns by wide receivers and a low supply of weed and Sonic chili cheese tots. They fixed this in the off season by cutting Bowe. Now they need someone with remarkable hands, and who better than someone just across the street in the Royals’ Lorenzo Cain? Some say anything that’s not water is Lorenzo Cain territory, and the Chiefs could use his hands to get some WR touchdowns. Who knows, they might even get 2 or 3 WR touchdowns.
#19: Cleveland Johnny Footballs: DeVante Parker, (WR, Louisville)
Jabari Parker had a bad injury last year, but now he's driving to be a superstar in the NBA. Everyone wants to go to Cleveland to play for LeBron James and Kevin Love, so it’s no shocker that Jabari Parker is sure to turn the Cavaliers into a feared franchise... Johnny Manziel.
#20: Philadelphia Eagles: TRADE!
The Eagles decide to make a trade to the New York Jets for QB Michael Vick. The Jets are on the clock.
#20: New York Jets: Charlie Chaplin (Comic, College unknown)
With the Jets having Sanchez back, there’s sure to be some 5 star quietly slapstick humor this year from the Gang Green Gang (no, not the bad guys from The Powerpuff Girls). What better way for Sanchez and a QB controversy than Sir Charles Chaplin? I tried to get an interview about how he feels being part of the New York Jets but he was silent.
#21: Cincinnati Bengals: NONE
It might be crazy, but we will get 3 “no picks” in the first round of the draft. The pick will be made by none other than the Bengals franchise QB Andy Dalton. However, he trips and never makes the podium due to the prime time lights being just too bright for him. This pick is a good pick as it might just push them into another first round playoff loss.
#22: Pittsburgh Steelers: A Slice Of Cheese (Condiment, Wisconsin)
So we can get the Ben Roethleisberger with cheese… HA!
#23: Detroit Lions: John Kerry (D, Secretary of State, Boston College)
The Detroit Lions lost Reggie Bush and ended up picking up Frank Gore in the off season. However, the Lions are still looking to have a bright future rather than a bad one not covered in debt. So they dropped Bush, went back in time to the year 2000, and pick up Gore. Hoping they don’t make the same mistake twice, they end up taking John Kerry who hopes to bring the Lions to a remarkable 8-8 season.
#24: Arizona Cardinals: Malcolm Brown (DE/DT, Texas)
Arizona got a good surprise with their new wide receiver core with John and Jaron Brown. Now it’s time to take it one step beyond with Malcolm Brown out of Texas. John, Jaron, and Malcolm become the three man trio known as “MEET THE BROWNS!” Thank of the advertisements, the merchandise, the t-shirts! This pick is nothing but money for Arizona.
#25: Carolina Panthers: Bruce Wayne (QB, Gotham University)
Wayne might have a troubled past but he hopes to clean up the streets of Gotham as his alter ego, Batman. Cam Newton has been going around calling himself Superman and now he’s going to have some competition when Batman is after him for the starting spot. Catch Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice in theaters 2016!
#26: Baltimore Ravens: Marcus MaRIOTa (QB, Oregon)
It what’s the biggest steal of the draft, The Baltimore Ravens end up legit stealing Marcus from the Tennessee Titans! Baltimore has stolen Marcus in an act of peaceful protest.
#27: Dallas Cowboys: Howie Mandel (Comedian, Canadia)
It’s clear that Tony Romo is not going anywhere because he he cooks Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jone’s porridge jussssst right. Anyway Jerry now has a new vision for America’s team. He wants to remake the Saturday Morning cartoon Bobby’s World and call it Jerry’s World. To do this, he needs to shows mastermind, Howie Mandel to pull this off. I got word with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones about his pick and he told me “Remember Bobby’s World? IT WAS A GOOD SHOW!” It is hard to argue that seeing an animated kid version of Tony Romo driving a tricycle around the house is something you don’t want to see.
#28: Denver Broncos: Shane Ray (OLB, Missouri)
Many people think Ray’s stock has fell off due to his recent citation for marijuana possession. I think this is the golden opportunity That Payto… I mean the Denver Broncos are looking for. Shane Ray got hit with marijuana possession, pot is legal in Colorado, Denver is the mile high city. This writes itself.
#29: Indianapolis Colts: Eren Yeager (Attack on Titan, 104th Trainees Squad)
“Now come on Groose, why are you putting Japanese anime stuff on this mock draft? No sports fan is going to get it and will call you a loser”. Hey, someone out there will get this and I do have my reasons. I like to believe more than 5 people will read this. Anyway, Eren Yeager might look small but he’s on a mission to destroy all Titans. The Colts have the Tennessee Titans in their division. Eren was made to put on a Colt jersey.
#30: Green Bay Packers: Brett Favre spawn. (QB, Brett’s Tummy)
Brett Favre has been away from the game for a long time. He wants to come back but knows that he can’t and must accept his age is getting to him. However the line was crossed when he learned that Fox color commentator Joe Buck has moved on to his new love, Madison Bumgarner. Heart broken by his break up, Favre had to find a way to come back to the NFL and win back his lover’s heart. The Green Bay Packers devised a plan to impregnate Favre with a altered genetically enhanced super being made for the NFL. Now the spawn of Favre has been unleashed and is ready to cause havoc to the NFC North. With the genetically altered Brett Favre Spawn and their division rival Chicago Bears lead by The Jay Cutler XJ220mkII Prototype R, it will truly be a war between science and nature.
#31: New Orleans Saints: TRADE!
The Saints ended up trading star Tight End Jimmy Graham for this pick but have decided to trade the pick to the New England Patriots. The Patriots now have both the 31st and 32nd pick in the NFL Draft.
#31: New England Patriots: Mikasa M80 Electric Air Inflator (Sideline, Unknown Collage)
The Super Bowl champs did not win the big game without some controversy and some luck spinning their way. However New England hopes to shut up all of the nay-sayers with this draft pick. Mikasa has a ton going for him with a 110v AC operation, ⅛ HP, 40 PSI, 100v/60Hz and is only 4 pounds to sneak inside the gaps. A good pick for the New England Patriots, and they have the final pick in the 2015 NFL Draft.
#32: New England Patriots: TRADE!
This first round of the 2015 NFL Draft has been the year of the trade, so it’s no shocker that New England now now traded the 32nd pick to the Seattle Seahawks for a cargo box of skittles. Marshawn Lynch is thankful.
#32: Seattle Seahawks: Time and Relative Dimension in Space (TARDIS) booth. (Time Machine, BBC)
There’s no shocker with this pick and shocked that it fell all the way to the first round. Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll uses the time machine to go back in time to February 1st, 2015 to the final play of the Super Bowl. He tells his past self to not pass the ball and to have Marshawn Lynch run with it. Marshawn scores a touchdown and the Seattle Seahawks REPEAT AND WIN SUPER BOWL XLIX.
The Seahawks would get the 32nd pick in this draft, meaning they never got it from the trade from New England and could not draft the TARDIS in the first place. Therefore could not go back in time to fix their screw-up. However this causes a butterfly effect and causes a time rift in space in time.
Now without anymore wait, lets start the 2015 USFL Mock draft, sponsored by Circuit City.
#1 Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Bo Callahan (QB, Wisconsin)
The Hesiman Trophy winner and proven real superstar is going to be the first overall pick. He could be the greatest thing to happen to the USFL with his star power. Bo knows how to throw the ball and can not be tackled for an entire game. This man HAS IT!
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Join me next year for the 2016 NFL mock draft that is if any of these draft picks end up destroying the world. Sure to be an amazing NFL season! Johnny Manziel.
On a real note, I really enjoyed writing this up and if I ever started some kind of sports blog, this would be the kind of things I would do each week. I hope maybe I could gain an audience doing this and maybe even get on some kind of site. Putting a spin on sports the only way I know how. With androids, time machines, and The Ben Roethleisberger with cheese. Hope you enjoyed the read.
