...So I Came Out as Trans to My Mom and Brother...

[Dragonfly]

It took me twenty years, but I finally did it. I wasn't saying anything they didn't already know (my mom figured it out back when I was in high school and my brother had his suspicions), but the fact that they were totally supportive meant everything. The only person left that even remotely matters is my father, which will never, ever happen in a billion years. I tried once a decade ago - I mentioned I cross dressed on occasion - only to hear that I was a "fetishist" (swing and a miss), an "exhibitionist" (strike two) and basically needed to get laid by a woman. (Again, I'm not into men as a rule - 0 for 3 there dad.) I tried a few years later by mentioning how society is fine with the concept of the tomboy, but seems to frown upon feminine boys. He freaked out, claiming that males and females not sticking to predefined gender roles would ruin Western civilization. Yes, you read that right: My dad is against tomboys. I stopped trying after that.

So yeah... I wish I could be honest with my dad and finally live fully in the open, but I can't. It sucks and, in my weaker moments, is pretty freaking depressing, but there's nothing I can do. Still, three out of four (and all of you guys) isn't bad, right?

[Deleted]

I always love when these stories end in "Yeah, we knew already."

THAT'S a loving family right there.

[edgestar]

Maybe one day your dad will be ready to hear you. He might feel uncomfortable about it, but what stands out to me is your mom and brother being accepting. I hope for the best for you, and I hope that you can have happiness

[MiLo Duck]

Maybe the dialogue with your mom can help transition into one with your father. Don't know you or what other aspects of your relationship with him are like so its hard to say specifically. Do you feel he supports you in general in your life, this issue aside?

[AFN: Judge Shred]

SO my dad hated trans and cross dressing, unless it was pre 1980, then he thought it was funny as shit. God he would laugh at Klinger on Mash, then see Ru Paul and say some one should kill her.

It was uncomfortable around here a lot. I am not anything but a straight dude, but I have always hated hearing talk like that.

[4TheGlory]

Jun 12, 2015 22:16:57 GMT -5 @rrnew said:

I always love when these stories end in "Yeah, we knew already."

THAT'S a loving family right there.

[lionheart21]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but its good to hear that you do have the support of your mom and brother. Hang in there, man.

[Deleted]

Congrats on doing it. I recently came out to my own family, and it's the hardest damn thing in the world to do, but once you do it, everything feels so much easier.

[Milkman Norm]

Glad it went well with your mom and your sister.

[Cyno]

Sucks about your dad. But I'm glad to hear everyone else in your life is cool with it.

Hoping that he turns around one day. And best of luck in your journey.

[TOK Hehe'd Around & Found Out]

Congrats on being able to talk to your family, that is probably one of the hardest things to do with anything. Just keep strong and remember that your personal happiness is what keeps you the strongest.

[Deleted]

Happy to hear you've got support. My dad says similar things to your dad (IE: he's said some messed up stuff about Caitlyn Jenner), but I know he'd support me if I were gay or trans, so it is a little disheartening to hear that your father isn't supportive. Maybe with time he'll come around and realize his child is more important than his notions.

Best of luck and all happiness.

[SsnakeBite, the No1 Frenchman]

Good to hear that most of your family is being supportive. Hopefully your dad comes around eventually. I always find it surprising when members of the same family have such widely and passionately different opinion on a subject.

[Clash, Never a Meter Maid]

Congratulations! Sorry about your dad, but it's great that you do have support.

[Deleted]

I'm glad to hear that most of the family's backing you up - hopefully your dad will one day come around on it. Rough situation to be sure but it does sound like you are at least in a much better place on it than many people with the same issue wind up in.

Also I'll throw out I at first read this as "Mom and Barber," and was really confused.

[Dragonfly]

Jun 12, 2015 22:40:47 GMT -5 MiLo Duck said:

Maybe the dialogue with your mom can help transition into one with your father. Don't know you or what other aspects of your relationship with him are like so its hard to say specifically. Do you feel he supports you in general in your life, this issue aside?

First off, thanks for the support. Again, it mean a lot. As for my dad... (Note: It might sound like I'm rambling, but it will make sense eventually. I promise.)

On one hand, my father is the type of guy who thinks his kids can do anything and will defend us till his death. He is so supportive of my writing, for example, that he was actively disappointed in me when I told him I got a fulltime job. In the same token, no one was happier than him to hear that I was downsized due to a merger. On the flipside, he is also an emotional train wreck whose feelings get hurt ridiculously easy. It's the Beverley Goldberg "I failed you as a mother" stereotype, only done by a guy and with everyone he knows. (As you can probably guess, my mom is the calm, logical one in the relationship.) At the same time, he is also a classic stubborn, stuck in the old ways Italian that can hold a grudge for decades. (His father was the same way in that regard. Case in point: The entire family was "forbidden" to go to Sears for eight years because of a fight he had with a tractor salesman. We went anyway.) And in good "old world" fashion, he doesn't let you forget it. I still hear about things I did when I was four. No, that is not an exaggeration.

So to recap: My father is an overly sensitive, stubborn jackass who clearly remembers when his feelings are hurt. Which again, is pretty much all of the time for reasons often too minor to mention. It is a combination that logically should not exist, but it does. And man, it's annoying.

Having my mom talk to him about it won't help. She once told him that a trans woman she saw on the TV was pretty attractive. She wasn't saying anything particularly progressive; just that the person looked like something other than Benny Hill in a dress. That fight lasted for two days, most of which was centered around how her parents are awful people who treated him like utter shit for years for no other reason than he was an Italian with a college degree. They most certainly are that rotten and they most certainly did all of that (and so much more), but it ultimately had nothing to do with the topic at hand. But it didn't matter though. All the dirty laundry comes out when he's offended or upset. This is what would happen to me, only a million times worse. Every lie I told when I was fourteen, every sport I couldn't play, every slight that a normal person would have forgotten minutes after it happened... It would all be thrown back in my face. It would be an audio retelling of all of my screw-ups, all because I can't "get with" gender norms and "act like a man." Honestly, I would rather stay in the closet.

I do have one saving grace though: The wife and I live eleven hours away. We talk to them every week, but only physically see them at most twice a year. It makes it things easier than if, say, they lived around the corner, but it's far from perfect. I still have play the role "virile, heterosexual guy" over the phone, which kills me a little inside. Still better than the alternative though.

One more thing: The post above makes my dad sound like either the worst person ever or an emotionally abusive crazy man. He isn't. Really. He's just stuck in his ways.

[Hit Girl]

He freaked out, claiming that males and females not sticking to predefined gender roles would ruin Western civilization.

Fathers not fully accepting their children is far more damaging to civilisation.

[MiLo Duck]

Jun 13, 2015 14:16:20 GMT -5 Dragonfly said:

Jun 12, 2015 22:40:47 GMT -5 MiLo Duck said:

Maybe the dialogue with your mom can help transition into one with your father. Don't know you or what other aspects of your relationship with him are like so its hard to say specifically. Do you feel he supports you in general in your life, this issue aside?

First off, thanks for the support. Again, it mean a lot. As for my dad... (Note: It might sound like I'm rambling, but it will make sense eventually. I promise.)

On one hand, my father is the type of guy who thinks his kids can do anything and will defend us till his death. He is so supportive of my writing, for example, that he was actively disappointed in me when I told him I got a fulltime job. In the same token, no one was happier than him to hear that I was downsized due to a merger. On the flipside, he is also an emotional train wreck whose feelings get hurt ridiculously easy. It's the Beverley Goldberg "I failed you as a mother" stereotype, only done by a guy and with everyone he knows. (As you can probably guess, my mom is the calm, logical one in the relationship.) At the same time, he is also a classic stubborn, stuck in the old ways Italian that can hold a grudge for decades. (His father was the same way in that regard. Case in point: The entire family was "forbidden" to go to Sears for eight years because of a fight he had with a tractor salesman. We went anyway.) And in good "old world" fashion, he doesn't let you forget it. I still hear about things I did when I was four. No, that is not an exaggeration.

So to recap: My father is an overly sensitive, stubborn jackass who clearly remembers when his feelings are hurt. Which again, is pretty much all of the time for reasons often too minor to mention. It is a combination that logically should not exist, but it does. And man, it's annoying.

Having my mom talk to him about it won't help. She once told him that a trans woman she saw on the TV was pretty attractive. She wasn't saying anything particularly progressive; just that the person looked like something other than Benny Hill in a dress. That fight lasted for two days, most of which was centered around how her parents are awful people who treated him like utter shit for years for no other reason than he was an Italian with a college degree. They most certainly are that rotten and they most certainly did all of that (and so much more), but it ultimately had nothing to do with the topic at hand. But it didn't matter though. All the dirty laundry comes out when he's offended or upset. This is what would happen to me, only a million times worse. Every lie I told when I was fourteen, every sport I couldn't play, every slight that a normal person would have forgotten minutes after it happened... It would all be thrown back in my face. It would be an audio retelling of all of my screw-ups, all because I can't "get with" gender norms and "act like a man." Honestly, I would rather stay in the closet.

I do have one saving grace though: The wife and I live eleven hours away. We talk to them every week, but only physically see them at most twice a year. It makes it things easier than if, say, they lived around the corner, but it's far from perfect. I still have play the role "virile, heterosexual guy" over the phone, which kills me a little inside. Still better than the alternative though.

One more thing: The post above makes my dad sound like either the worst person ever or an emotionally abusive crazy man. He isn't. Really. He's just stuck in his ways.

Yeah, I dig that. My father is a great and kind man. However I'm a bit on the flaky side when it comes to being "an adult". Basically I'm not super good at it a lot of time and I can't seem to find anyone willing to take my resignation. He will go on and on and on and talk at me in circles about things, including aspects about me that are painful and that I can not control. So I certainly know, while most definitely not in the same way, a similar deal. There is one aspect of myself that it took years and years of repeating for him to finally grasp regardless of any facts for him to conceive of it. He still seems to slip and forget from time to time.

All that said, we each have our own story weighted by things on either side of us tipping our choices one way or the next. Only you can measure truly which is heavier. Either choice is valid. Just do right by you.

[willywonka666]

I almost wrote this on Facebook the other day as a thought, but parents always say they want what's best for their kids, or usually they say something like "I want my kid to have a better life than I did" and they usually mean a better education so they can make a lot of money, but what could be a "better life for your kid" than to be MORE open minded, loving and understanding than you were?

[bigjohnsons]

when I read it I thought it said transformer