How can you please your parents?

[Allison Reynolds]

I don't usually ask for advice too much, but I got a problem that is really bothering me.

My parents, specifically my mother, is never ever satisfied with anything I do. No matter what I do to make her happy, I just can't seem to. She basically thinks I'm a loser. Her standards are really high.

For example: I failed a grade, once in high school, and she got upset and punished me. Soon, I helped myself and did much better academically and even skipped a grade. Keep in mind it wasn't the punishment that made me do well, I wanted to do great to make ME Happy and benfiting myself. In the process maybe make her happy. It didn't work, She said I may do good in school but I know nothing about life. I then decided to go to college to help myself about "life" again. Still she is not pleased.

I don't understand it. I make a plan for myself, goals that I can acheive, so I can do better in the future. I try to explain this to her. Instead, she said that "Why do you make plans? you should do the things you want to do right away instead of wasting your time planning."

I also get compared to other people very often. Mostly about how 'bad' I am compared to them, or how 'bad' I am like them.

My current problem is that I am making a plan on getting my license, but she wants me to do it 'now'.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like, just breaking down and crying... (emo I know)

Does anyone know what to do? (sorry for the long read.)

Edit: btw I'm not angry, just frustrated.

[boiledewokthe3rd]

Some people are never happy / pleased. Find something you want to do, try to enjoy doing it. It is also my understanding that parents are often impressed with large facial tattoos.

["Sweet & Sour" ImSoFudginGreat]

My mother is exactly the same, the way I cope with it may seem a little harsh but it works as she is sometimes nice to me.

I'm just overly nice to my dad, he seems to appreciate the things that I do so I just seek his appproval

[Allison Reynolds]

imsofookingreat said:

My mother is exactly the same, the way I cope with it may seem a little harsh but it works as she is sometimes nice to me.

I'm just overly nice to my dad, he seems to appreciate the things that I do so I just seek his appproval

I do this sometimes, my dad is more appreciative then my mom. The problem with that is anytime my mom says something negative about me, my dad always agrees with everything she says, it makes it pretty confusing. Plus he is bipolar/has a split personality. Sometimes he is the biggest jerk ever or sometimes really nice.

What I can infer from your advice is to just live with it? Well I suppose thats true. We can't change people sometimes... It is frustrating. I just can't deal with her negative comments about me though. I'll try.

[The Jeebus]

If you can't please her, then stop trying. By the way you described her, she seems like a parent who'd nag at you for not visiting her enough while successful, but would also nag at you for not being successful enough while keeping in touch with her often.

[The OP]

Have you ever discussed the problem with her? It's a cliche, but honesty really is the best policy. As far as I know, it's the best way to deal with 99.9% of problems.

[boiledewokthe3rd]

taxcollector said:

Have you ever discussed the problem with her? It's a cliche, but honesty really is the best policy. As far as I know, it's the best way to deal with 99.9% of problems.

What is the .1% that requires the telling of a big fat lie? I gots ta know.

[Allison Reynolds]

serjtankian said:

If you can't please her, then stop trying. By the way you described her, she seems like a parent who'd nag at you for not visiting her enough while successful, but would also nag at you for not being successful enough while keeping in touch with her often.

Interesting.

Don't get me wrong, she's a good mother who cares about me, and has her nice moments. It's just seems her standards are really high. I taken that route to stop trying to please her, and help myself. It's just those constant lectures about how "you got to do this and that." I have to hear from her that frustrates me and makes me want to do something to make her stop with these lectures, and be proud of me.

taxcollector said:

Have you ever discussed the problem with her? It's a cliche, but honesty really is the best policy. As far as I know, it's the best way to deal with 99.9% of problems.

I tried this once, it didn't work. Of course it was when she was already scolding me about stuff. She has a hard time listening to the other side of the problem, and thinks I'm just "answering back."

I'll take this advice into consideration and try to discuss it with her, when she is in a better mood. She's more understanding when she is in a better mood. Also a bit jokey though so it might be hard to say it in a way she'll take seriously. I'll give it a shot.

p.s- thank you.

[The Jeebus]

Interesting.

Don't get me wrong, she's a good mother who cares about me, and has her nice moments. It's just seems her standards are really high. I taken that route to stop trying to please her, and help myself. It's just those constant lectures about how "you got to do this and that." I have to hear from her that frustrates me and makes me want to do something to make her stop with these lectures, and be proud of me.

If it comes down to that, then you've got to do what you have to do and confront her, as has already been advised and it looks like you're gonna give it a shot.

Good luck man.

[polexia]

my feelings toward my parents were the main reason i joined the airforce. put a few miles between you and them, when you are ready

[nisi]

Actually I would avoid the sense of "confronting her"--this has about a 100% chance of whipping up into a big uncomfortable mess. Talking is great, for big relationship issues I pimp my trade and tell people to see a family therapist at their local community center, but "confronting" will be seen as hostile.

Your parents are pushing you out of the nest by comparing you to others. This is more revealing of your mom's sense of competitiveness, but it's how she measures what's important to her. It's an insecurity on her part, so remember that and try not to take it personally.

That being said, failing a grade is objectively bad, failing classes is bad, any mother is going to push on that. Not having a driver's license at college age is not good, especially if your mom is playing chauffeur. These are normal areas for parents to push on, and it might be good for you to feel a little pushed here.

Rather than confronting her, be ready when she starts with a ripost using the (in)famous "I" statements. "I feel hurt when you say that," "I feel hurt when you compare me to that guy," "I want to break down and cry when you call me that," etc. It's a little raw for you, but it makes it impossible for your mom to joke about what you are saying.

Finally, after you use the "I" statements to say how you feel, be ready to back up what you are concretely doing to show that you really have plans to reach your goals. This means you need to do your share of concrete planning. "I have an appointment on this date" is the best answer to "Do it now." Also ask for help when you need it or feel overwhelmed by your mom's complaints: "I need some money to make this happen--will you pay for half of my driver's license fee or driving school tuition?" Don't take her complaints silently--involve her, and if she doesn't want to help, then being asked to open her checkbook should help close her mouth.

[Dr. T is an alien]

My dad is one of those impossible people as well, but in a different way. He has an overwhelming tendancy to bring up the times in the past that I screwed up. About 2 years ago he finally pushed the same damn button far too many times. I don't even remember what in the hell we were talking about, but he was like, "you really need to learn something about ______. I've tried to explain it to you and your brothers about this and blah, blah, blah......."

I was like, "Dad, I know that. Why are you talking like I don't?" He responded by using an example of something that I did when I was 14 or so. If I was 18 or 19 that would be one thing; I was 30 at the time. The mistake that he was referencing was more than half of my lifetime ago.

It was finally too much for me. I didn't yell at him, but I certainly used an angry voice. Basically I told him that I don't need to be reminded of mistakes because I am wise enough to learn from most of them. I also pointed out that dwelling on mistakes that I made a decade ago neither changes anything nor is relevant today when dealing with me. I also told him that if God gave me the option to go back and change any of them, I would not do it. The biggest screw-ups in my life both shaped who I am (and I more or less like who I am) and shaped the progression of my life. If I had not completely melted down mentally and emotionally at the age of 20, I would not have had to repeat the spring semester of my final year at the junior college I was attending at the time. I would not have been in town at the time that I met my wife because I would have been elsewhere at another college. I would not have my 3 children in my life. My biggest screw-up allowed for the 4 most people in my life to actually come into my life.

For some reason my dad had a hard time wrapping his mind around that concept. I realize that he might not have had the benefit of thinking about that specific topic that I had (it was the basic concept of a novel that I occasionally think about writing, so from time to time I consider the long term effects from any decision. I recommend it from time to time.) Basically, I stopped coming around for a while until my dad came and appologized to us about it. It honestly cut our (as in my wife and I) stress levels, so it wasn't the wrong thing to do. I'd say that I still have a strained relationship with my dad, but it isn't as dramatic now that I have moved to another town in order to go back to school.

[Allison Reynolds]

I haven't done anything yet, I'll be gone for the day, but thank you for the advice I'll read them when I get home, and say my opinions.

Nisi, I had to quickly skim your advice, because I'm on a rush right now, but To tell the truth I'm not actually in college yet, I'm going to in about several months. I guess she was predicting that she would be the one to drive me.

I didn't read the whole thing though, I want to but yeah rushing.. ok thanks I'll read it when I get there.

[Candyman's surprise]

My brother-in-law is 48 years old, doing an excellent job being a dad and pretty much has taken care of his mom since his dad died 12 years ago. Yet, his mother has never said one nice thing about anything he's done in his life. SHe has never even come close to being satisfied with anything he's done other than marrying my sister and even then my sister wonders.

DOn't worry dude. Eventually they'll either come thru for you or not. It's what you do for yourself that will matter. Just be the best person you can be.

[Cranjis McBasketball]

I reccommend doing something really bad, like, knock up an underage girl. That way, when you do something good, such as getting a good job, she'll be really happy compared to the fact you have a child with a 14 year old!!!


Don't take my advice. I suck.

[Dr. T is an alien]

cdr said:

I reccommend doing something really bad, like, knock up an underage girl. That way, when you do something good, such as getting a good job, she'll be really happy compared to the fact you have a child with a 14 year old!!!


Don't take my advice. I suck.

Hope R. Kelly did not read that one.